This might be a long one..

[Mali]

Hi,

Maybe by talking to other people maybe who have lost as much as I have I can find some clarity. Because honestly talking to my loved ones has never really helped.

Firstly I am extremely emphatic, I was diagnosed as a highly sensitive person last year, after being labeled bipolar, and borderline personality disorder since I was 17. I am sure most people haven't ever heard of that before but if you look it up it will give you a small insight on how I am. I have always been depressed since I was a little girl, never understanding why of course but growing up being fat didn't help either. I just chalked it up to being poor, my father always being sick, my mothers lack of interest and her temper, and of course being a very big girl.

So I always felt selfish and angsty about the way I felt, for all my life not really understanding why on earth I was so emotional why everything was a heart ache, why being around people I could feel the mood of the room, why loud noises and being around more than one or two people made me nervous and stressed. Every little thing to most people was catastrophic to me, and I would dwell and well still do dwell on everything as if I am doomed to remember all my mistakes and regrets for the rest of my life. Its truly exhausting to be in my head... Having this said I will go further before explaining why I am here exactly because I don't honestly think unless I give you any insight to what it is like to be me, anyone is going to be able to sympathize or help me.

Now then I am 33 years old, I weigh a great deal and no I won't be saying its because I just eat my feelings. It stems from a lot of things, and the good old fact that eating make me feel better. I am not sure I can even try to explain how everything in the world can go wrong, but if I have something good to eat everything melts away for a while and all is well in my life for that time. Most have said well what about after the food is gone, then you feel bad for eating it. I have never really felt bad for coping with my emotional issues with delicious food, to be honest my diet isn't really to blame its me not working out, and being a complete and utter shut in for the last 12 years of my life. Now that i tossed that out into the ring, wow this is going to be a novel but I still feel its important to help get to the root of my pain.

So yes I am overweight, I am 33, no children and yes I am married to a wonderful man who loves me just for me. But ... He doesn't understand me or my emotional issues and I often feel the death of my family members is partly to blame for me feeling the way I have for years now. Allow me to get into my father issues now.. brother issues can come a bit later..

My father was a complex man, he was gentle, funny, seemed always happy no matter what was going on. But he was sick ever since I could remember he had fibrous dysplasia. Which was extremely painful. so of course he had lots of surgeries to try and combat it, and was on lots and lots of pills and what not to try to feel better. To me my father was a Saint my mother always got the bad end of the stick when it came to me, because she was cold and always screaming. (Much to my surprise to figure out we are on in the same, as I carry much of those traits in my own marriage now).. Anyway he was very sick, he was my best friend my knight in shining armor the only person in the world who understood me, who tried to understand me. The man to me was my everything, and I remember as tears stream down my face even now that i would lay on the floor when he was sick and hold his hand as it hung off the bed and prayed to God to make him better, or let me go first that I wouldn't be able to hand losing him..

Needless to say he didn't get better, he died 2004 with a heart virus that he contracted because his immune system was horrible. He died on Christmas eve, four days after my birthday, the last thing he ever said to me was on my birthday that he loved me and that he would be home soon. I saw him on Christmas eve in the hospital everyone had been telling me he was coming home, so the shock of being made to go the hospital to say my goodbyes ruined me. I remember bits and pieces like it was a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. His family had gathered from all over the place obviously they had known for a few days before telling me that he wasn't going to make it. This broke me as I have gotten older the feeling of being cheated for his last few days of consciousnesses hurts me.

We all made the decision to pull the plug, that part I couldn't bare listening to him gasp so i left the room. In his final moments I couldn't be there for him that has haunted me but I would like to think that he was already gone and that he was watching me from above but even then that doesn't quell the pain in my heart.

There is such a massive hole inside me that I feel empty, I have never stopped grieving for him. I cannot begin to talk about him at all without tears ripping down my cheeks. That familiar burn in my chest, as I choke on his memories. His funeral I was cold, my mother was broken and I couldn't feel anything to try and help her. It was like I was sleeping and of course I cried here and there, but I just went through the motions. My mother has the warmth on a good day of igloo, so lets just say she didn't coddle or try and help me much on what I was feeling. I don't begrudge her for any of that, I have learned as I got older that she is not the type of mother that coos and cuddles her young, she is the kind that tells you to suck it up, work is tomorrow and buries her pain into a nice big ball of anger she can take out on her remaining family members. Shutters enough about her, she isn't why I am here at the moment, stories of her will come later I am sure as I get to know you all.

So here I am years and years later, married to a good man have a chance at happiness and something is holding me back. I can't let go, I have tried for years to let it all go.. to move on as everyone and their mother has told me to do. How do you let something go that haunts you daily. Do i know he is in heaven YES, do I know he is better off of course, am i rational about it, of course.. would i ask to get him back right now if i could NO i wouldn't because he was in so much pain I wouldn't do that to him. Then why can't I just move on, why do I feel so broken when I think about him. Here is the real clincher I didn't go to my grandparents of my own brothers funeral. Nope can't bring myself to do it, and this one will kill you I don't hurt for my brothers passing, its like all my grief got sucked into just my father and nothing else exists. Sure i see a picture of my brother and I am sad, but I am not devasted like I am about my father.

I am a hopeless case, doomed to morn my father forever? Scared of every relationship I have because I am terrified to lose them, my husband is going into the Air Force and I am beyond scared that something will happen or he will leave me. Its affecting everything.. I need some help so here I am maybe someone else feels like I do, can help me move on or get some closure or clarity of some sort.

Sorry its so long, but I don't think a short paragraph would help you get to know me and my story that well.

Thank you Mali xo

[Artifyworld]

Truthful story.

[stargazer5510]

I used to think the advice to "let it go" meant something, but as I've gotten older, I realize it really means nothing at all.

I've found a great deal of help in the teachings of Pema Chodron. There are some YouTube vids I can find for you to check out if you're interested. She is a Buddhist nun, having taken her vows after having lived a typical Western life and going through a bitter divorce. I'm not a Buddhist, but their way of working with mind has been a great deal of practical help for me.

We are built to avoid pain. It's human. The technique that Pema has been teaching is not avoiding painful moments, angry moments, empty moments, but to actively investigate them with a sense of curiosity. Letting go of whatever self-talk is there and just staying with the feelings. Always with utmost compassion and gentleness with your self. Ultimately, not letting go at all, but travelling alongside. Investigating anger might lead to an underlying sense of guilt which might cover something else.

I'm doing a terrible job of explaining what she teaches over many hours. All I can say is this way of thinking about loss and life is helping me. It's a process.

Being a natural empath, you might find help with her tonglen practice. Breathing in the hurt and the hurt of others and breathing out a gift of comfort or a flower or whatever seems like it might give comfort to yourself and all others feeling the same way. The actual practice is more involved, but that's the gist.

I think the most important thing is to accept yourself just as you are. Whatever it is that you're feeling or not feeling is legitimate. Finding a way to live alongside it without it running your life is a good goal, I think.

Thanks for sharing your story. The death of a loved one is so significant. It changes the universe as we know it. I hope you find some comfort here.

((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))