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Losing My Mom...


benita

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Three days ago I lost my mom, my heart is broken.

Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer on December 20th, stage II, had a lumpectomy on January 11th, and a second surgery to clear the margins on January 18th, a week of internal seed radiation with Mamosite January 28th- February 1st, started chemo on February 12th, Died from masive infection and multi- system organ failure secondary to chemotherapy treatment March 12th.

My Mom died from the treatment that was suppose to save her.

Overwhelming sadness surrounds me, and I'm trying so hard to be strong for my 11 year old daughter, but I hurt so much for the loss of my own mother...

My Mom lived with me after the ending of a 16 year relationship and through our own struggles we found our way through it and were at peace on the other side, and out of nowhere cancer invaded our life and chemo took my Mother from me forever.....

I fee like I will have a hole in my heart forever and that happiness is something I never want again, I'm eating but I don't want to, because she can't eat....I know it's crazy but its how I feel...

Hope to find some support, some friends that understand my sadness, that can relate to this overwhelming pain...

 

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DEAR ONE , , I'M So sorry for your loss .. i know exactly how you feel ,

my mother died today . she was 85 yrs old .

i had a sister in law that died of breast cancer 10 yrs ago on march 26 , she was 36 yrs old .. and left a 2 yr. old behind .. and my kid brother of course,

my mother and brother have been raising my niece all these yrs . and i take her on most weekends. . she's 12 yrs old now . and missing her grandmom .

she doesnt' remember her mother . so my mother was the ONLY mother she's ever known .

her care , a lot of it . will come to me now . and i don't think i'll be able to do as good a job as my mother . i dont 'have much patience .. and i worry about hurting her feelings .

tonight she ran from the room crying '' i wish my mama were here' .

that broke my heart. .

listening to my own daughter.cry tonigh , . who's a mother herself now and waiting for her 3rd child any day now . broke my heart. . she's 1500 miles away and only had my description of the last week of her grandmother's life. spent in the ICU ... for 3 heart attacks in a wk . .

right now , i feel pretty numb. . i cry in spirts. . when my niece Domi, got up earlier to go to the b/room (its 2;30am here in fla) in the dark , i jsut saw my mother's room door open and a form walk out . .i knew it was Domi, but i saw instead my poor ol crippled mama , hobbling along in one of her homemade thin nitegowns , .

seeing her all this week lying in that bed . i pictured myself in that positiion in the next few ??? yrs .. and wondered who will be there for me /???

i wont' have a "Jeanne ' who cares enough to make sure i'm not alone . Domi will be far away by that time . and my daughter is 1500 miles away .

my brothers won't care .. they showed that today ..

guess i'm feeling sorry for myself .

someone told me years ago that when someone we love dies , we are sad because we are selfish . we are not crying for 'them' . .we are crying for ourselves because we'll never see them again ' . we're not thinking that they are going to a much better place. .

i believe that. i have to .

any other explanation is just not acceptable to me ..

thanks for listening . my heart goes out to all of you. .

i know how you feel . grieve an get thru it . .be strong as you can for your children and loved ones ..

but make sure you cry . and cry till you're finished . no matter when that may be .

that's what everyone told me today .. i haven't cried that much today . i guess that will come . the next time i expect her to pop in .and she doens't . and i realize she never will again . .that' when it will hit me . .

jeanne61

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My mom also died of the complications of cancer treatment, radiation, and medicine.  I often think what would have happened or how would it have been different if she had not done the treatments.  In the end, she did not want to ever be checked into a hospital.  Her wishes were followed, even though they could have brought her back around at least for a few more days or weeks. 

One of the hardest things for me is just not knowing what the result would have been with different decisions along the way.  It is something that will be there forever.

Cancer has to be one of the most misunderstood diseases there is.  I just hope that one day a better treatment can be found so that others do not have to endure the pain and suffering that cancer causes.

My sympathies go out to you.  My mother has been gone now for just over three months and I still can not understand the fact that she is no longer here.  I guess you just have to take your life as it is now.  I often sit and think of what I would be doing right now if this had not happened.

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Thanks for your replies and I am so very sorry about your losses.....

Your pain echos in my heart.

I made it through another day without my mom.

The week my mom was admitted into the hospital, I bought her a bracelet that says, "One Day At A Time" and I"m wearing it....But it should say, "One Minute At A Time"

I can't seem to sleep, It feels as though a weight is sitting on my chest...

I just miss you Mom, I simply miss you...........

Benita

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I am so sorry for all your losses.  You just never know in this life what kind of curveball you'll get thrown your way.  My mom was admitted to the hospital on 11/23/07 and she passed away on 12/26/07.  I can't believe it has been almost three months since she left this life and I am still in great pain.  The pain did subside a little of late but then it has gotten worse over the weekend because what would have been my mom's 79th birthday is coming up tomorrow (Tues 03/18).  I am going to take that day off work and plan to celebrate her life.  I have been told by others who have been what we are going through that the pain does subside over time, but you never forget.  Sometimes, it just sneaks up on me and I immediately get depressed.  I have a great support system in my wife, stepson, my best friend and his family, and the people at work....but...no one can replace a mother.  My heartfelt sympathies go to all of you. 

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My sympathies to all of you.  In my mom's case, we decided not to go into chemo, and she died 3 weeks after the diagnose.  I wonder, though,  if she did the chemo, she might  still be with me today.

 I also wonder, if she wasn't admitted to the hospital, she might  last longer (some said that she could get some infection at the hospital, and that's why her health deteriorated so rapidly )

 So many what ifs... But, the sad fact is : she's gone. Forever. Final.

Since my mom died almost 3 months a go, I have this obsession of finding whether the deaths can see us, the loved ones they left behind.

Is she asleep ? Is she awake ? If she's awake, can she see me from  up there ? Does she remember me ?  Will she recognize me when I see her again ?

I believe she's in heaven. But, how could she be happy in heaven, knowing that she left behind a miserable child, which  she loves more than anything ? 

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[user=19419]ekususg[/user] wrote:

My sympathies to all of you.  In my mom's case, we decided not to go into chemo, and she died 3 weeks after the diagnose.  I wonder, though,  if she did the chemo, she might  still be with me today.

 I also wonder, if she wasn't admitted to the hospital, she might  last longer (some said that she could get some infection at the hospital, and that's why her health deteriorated so rapidly )

 So many what ifs... But, the sad fact is : she's gone. Forever. Final.

Since my mom died almost 3 months a go, I have this obsession of finding whether the deaths can see us, the loved ones they left behind.

Is she asleep ? Is she awake ? If she's awake, can she see me from  up there ? Does she remember me ?  Will she recognize me when I see her again ?

I believe she's in heaven. But, how could she be happy in heaven, knowing that she left behind a miserable child, which  she loves more than anything ? 

i know what you mean.. i am so miserable too..  look on amazon  for some good grief books that address things like this it might help thats what i am doing too hugs
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IF she's in heaven . she's happy .she's got plenty of people to keep her happy . all of her family , her old friends that you've never even heard of . .

i decided that my mother is happier THERE ... she was in pain every day of her life for the past 10 yrs . or more. .

some one told me many yrs ago .that we're the ones that feel the pain for 'OURSELVES .' not for the person who died qnd doenst hqve to put up with this rotten life anymore. .

dont' feel sorry for your mom .. she's happy .. yu're the one who's in misery .. so am i . . i understand only too well .but i KNOW my mother's happy , healthy, and young and beautiful , ..

just listening to the news .. . omg .. child molestation .. murder rape .. burglers. . what a disgusting world we have .. dont ''worry about your mother being happy .believe me ..she's happy .

she doenst have to put up with this chyt anymore. .

God bless them all .

jeanne

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heavenabove

This is my first time on the website...

I lost my mother just a month ago and I"ve still not accepted that she is really gone..  I miss her so much and wish that I had the chance to tell her all the things I would have if I knew I was not going to see her here on earth anymore. My mom had extensive leukemia and lymphoma and thought she had the flu and was sick for about two weeks, after going to the hospital she passed away within 24 hours as she had an infection and became sepsis.  We were so blown away to find out that she had been living with cancer and no one knew, not even her...  It is such a loss and we are going thru the motions of life right now, numb and just kinda in a fog...   I do have a great peace about her passing, knowing that she is in heaven above and God has spared her the pain and suffering that she would have had to go thru.  My mom was only 63 and I miss her so much... I"m finding that knowing that she is with God just isn't enough, I'm wanting her here.  Life has changed so much without her.  I"m at such a loss and in need of support.

Thanks to all that have shared on this site, I"ve read alot of your entries and it is comforting.

Kathy

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DEAR KATHY . . I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS .. MY MOTHER DIED ON 3/15 . AND I'M STIL LTRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT ..

JUST ""KNOW"" THAT SHES' IN HEAVEN AND WITH ALL HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY .

YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT . .OTHERWISE THIS WILL DRIVE U CRAZY .

GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY .. I'M SO SORRY .. JEANNE

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heavenabove

Jeanne,

Thanks for your kind words...  I do believe that she is in heaven, but it's bothering me that I'm at most time ok with her passing as I know she's not in pain, but the loss of her here on earth is what is so hard... I miss her terribly and still can't accept it.  Her headstone was put in at the cemetary Thursday and I'm going to travel tomorrow to visit her and see it.  Its hard when I go there, somehow that makes it all the more real.

So sorry to hear that you too have loss your mom.... May God comfort you too..

Kathy

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To All,

Knowing that I am not alone in this great pain gives me comfort...Is that wrong? Unfortunately we are a part of a group that we never wanted to join....

Thursday, 2 weeks after my Mom passed, I had to put her dog to sleep, its seems she just gave up and must of known Mom wasn't here, they both lived with me, I actually couldn't do it myself, my husband did for me, Wednesday night I bathed her and my best friend held her head up because she could no longer, she was 15 years old, I wrapped her up in some blankets and held her and loved her as my Mom would have wanted her to feel safe, in the morning before work I gave her a kiss and told her she was loved, my husband picked up my Moms ashes and had her dog put to sleep in the same day.....I'm just so sad, I wanted to take such good care of her for my Mom, to honor my Mom, and I feel as if I lost just one more piece of my Mom.....

I had her cremated and will spread their ashes together some day, somewhere beautiful......

Thanks for reading, thanks for understanding this pain all to well......

Some how, some way we will find the other side of this terrible loss, but we will be changed forever....

As I was doing dishes tonight, something I did with my Mom, I was thinking,

"Mom, one thing you never taught me, How to live without you...."

Benita

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