Loss of my husband and best friend

[angelsonearth]

My Husband passed away Dec. 15, 2007. And I miss him so much, we were married 31 years this May It would of been 31 years May of 2008. Today it has been 3 months, since he passed away, and it doesn't seem like it is getting any easier yet, like everyone keeps telling me. I feel like part of me died to. We had never been apart at all.  He had cancer since 2005. I love him so much, he was always so good to me. We always told each other I love you, and he would say he loved me gooder, jokenly. and then he'd smile.  He kept a smile on his face all the time no matter how bad he felt. Things are so different now and lonely to.I will always love Him with all of my heart. I just pray that he knew how much I love him and miss him  I am new to this site , I just wanted to talk to someone who understands what it feels like when you are going through this.  Sometimes other people seem like they get tired of you talking about your own life.

[qubert]

Anglesonearth,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on December 29th 2007 to a heart attack. We were best friends he was my soul mate in every way. We had been together for over 24 years. My husband also use to say I love you the more. He would tell everyone that I would laugh and say yea right. He died within mins without any warning. I hope he knows that I loved him so much. I think they must know. Get this book that I am reading called Embraced By the Light it will make you say WOW!!! I am sorry you had to join this club we have here, but I can say it has been very helpful to me, kinda of like my new best friends...... Here you can say what ever you want no one will judge you...God Bless

Susan

[angelsonearth]

It is hard to loose a spouse anytime but at the holidays it is hard to be really happy, Arvie died 10 days before Christmas and my birthday is Christmas day to.  How are you doing?  Your husband passed away close to the time mine did.  I'm really having a hard time dealing with it and I was on a family medical leave from work to take care of my husband and he died in our bedroom, I went back to work in Feb. and sometimes people  say the most hurtful things trying to mean well I guess.

[qubert]

I am self employeed in the Realestate bussiness so with that being said I have alot of time on my hands. I have good and bad days. How about you? I was also with my husband when he died, we went up to our lake house to clean it out we had a contract on it and he died in our oldest sons arms. It is so different now. People don't know what to say so most avoid me completely. The people buying the lake house backed out they could not deal with the fact that he died there. I live in San Antonio Texas we moved here 15 years ago for my husbands job no family or close friends near me so mostly I sit at home day after day...... Missing my husband and feeling like I don't have anything to live for. I do have my 2 sons. The 18 year old lives at home or I should say he sleeps here sometime. He has not grieved yet and I know when it hits it is not going to be nice.... My husband was 54 his birthday is coming up in May then my 50th is coming in July we had so may plans now I think I will go off by myself for my 50th I just want to be off with him. Does that sound weird?

[angelsonearth]

I know what you mean.  I go to the cementary every day and I feel more at peace when I am there more than anywhere else. People at work try to avoid talking to me to it feels like and when they do say something. I would really like to say how do you know how I feel when you have not been through this you still have your husband I don't. But I don't say that to them I just think that. I turned 50 Christmas day. My husband always remembered my birthday when other people would forget because it was Christmas. Sometimes I can still feel like he his here. I don't really know what I will do without him.. Our daughter is 27 and she is having a rough time dealing with all of this to Her and her Dad were very close.

[qubert]

It is very hard to say we are 50 and now we are alone!! I never thought I would be alone at 50 now to think it will be this way for the rest of my life. I need to find a purpose in life now. I am not sure want to do or how to feel. I am sorry we have to do this at our age. Does your daughter live with you?

[angelsonearth]

My daughter lives with me. And I am like you to It is hard to know you are 50 and a widow, I always thought we were going to grow old together. We were married almost 31 years and on his side of the family they haven't called or anything in about 3 months. Only one e-mails me and says they are trying to give me time.  But you know I still need family to talk with.  I am still trying to figure out what to do. I go to work , go by the cementary, come home and go to bed and wander if the rest of my life is going to be this hard. I guess we just have to take one day at a time and pray for God to lead us and help us.

[rodless]

I practically lived at the cemetery for the first few months. Rod died in July, 06 and there were some summer nights I would have loved to roll a sleeping bag out on top of the grave. A lady from my church lives near and can see when my jeep is there. She's always saying I see you were there again or something similar....makes me feel really self-consious but I go whenever I want to. At first that was the only place I could find any peace at all. Now I don't go as often but I still love to be out there, especially to walk the dog. So quiet and so open to the sky. I can hear the birds and sometimes see deer. It's comforting even in winter.

People do mean well with what they say but unless they have lived through this, they has no idea how it feels. I'm glad you two found each other to talk to.... I hope you keep doing so. When I first came here almost two years ago, it saved my sanity many times. Some of the ones I used to talk to don't post anymore but I'm not quite ready to give it up.

I think it's ok to go off by yourself whenever you want to. I'm to the point I look forward to those times. I seem to be closer to Rod when no one else is around.

Wishing you both a peaceful Sunday. Mary Jo

 

[angelsonearth]

I'm glad that I found this site there are so many times that you would like to talk to other people. And it is good to know that other people feel the way you do. sometimes I feel like i am going crazy or just going to go to peices.  Now I know what I am feeling is normal. after reading other people talking.

[ruby1983christine]

I thought i was alone in this looseing someone i love but there are others that are the same way.

it has only been 12 days, it is about to drive me crazy some time.

i hated to let him go but he was miserable,

there wasn't a cure for his cancer, it took his life, he battled it for 7 months, i knew he was dyeing but it is hard to let go still u wouldn't be human if u didn't feel.

my companion was my best friend and i knew him all my life, it hurts i am still struggleing it will be a while mine is less then two weeks, he died in my arms one day before my 38th birthday he was 54 years old, i still see the images in my mind i have to take a sleeping pill, a anti-depressant everyday to cope it is okay some time, days it drives me nuts.

it hard i understand well .

i am glad myself i found this site it helps to open up, talk.

[ruby1983christine]

I understand really well how u feel i wanted to crawl in the casket with him, go in the ground with him.

he has been gone less then 2 weeks, he was 54 and he was my best friend, was with him when went to sleep i was holding him, he died 1 day before my 38th birthday.

he had a cancer that was going to take his life and he lived 7 months and struggled really bad but knew he was going to die and i still didn't want to let him go but he was miserable, he was ready he was tired of living the way he did.

i have known him all my life, it does hurt i am trying to deal with it, it is hard .

i live 40 miles from where he is buried, and trust me i want to be there the distance is what is keeping me from being there everyday. there is nothing wrong with loveing missing someone u loved.

i guess time will heal i can't shake the images

i seen when he was dyeing it is hard to shake

i try everyday.

[Guest grievingperson]

I understand how you feel.  I lost my husband of almost 23 years in December.  I go to work come home try to stay strong for my 16 year old and 19 year old.  On the weekends I go to the cemetary.  Most of the people I know have stopped calling and if they do call they really don't want to hear about how difficult things are or how much I miss him, how empty the house is etc., etc......  The fact that I have no one to really communicate with drives me nuts at times the silence is almost too much.  That is why I like this site so much because everyone here understands.

[ruby1983christine]

I understand completely of ur situation the loneliness can get to u some time and i have learned keep ur mind busy when u are home if u can, and the people whom call and act like they really don't want to here u is because they are not friends, even though he has been gone for a long time he is still in ur heart.

i am moveing forward a little @ a time i have friend that is helping through my pain,i loved my companion but i don't miss the mental issues i have dealed with.

i hope u have happy memories of ur husband?

just try to remember he would want u to keep moveing forward to the best u can.

[angelsonearth]

April the 15th was 4 months now, and it is not getting any better yet, it seems like it's been forever since I seen him, and I still miss him so much.  I love him very much. Sometimes I have to make myself go and do things. When I go to the store I look at someone and think they favor my husband or walk like he used to or have a shirt on like he used to wear. I know that sounds crazy, but I do. A lot of things just don't seem as important any more. Sometimes I feel like it was just a dream of my past, and was my life ever real. At work they say I'm different now, but it is hard to be the same when you go through loosing your best friend, and the love of your life and husband all in one.

[Guest grievingperson]

I do the same when I see someone that dresses similar to my husband or has similar features, or drives a vehicle like his.  My son and I were out to dinner last Saturday and a man probably very close in age to my husband came in with his wife he had a black hawaiian type print button up shirt, tan cargo shorts, white socks with a little black nike logo on the socks and white tennis shoes.  My son and I both did a double take.  Then looked at the socks and chuckled.  Just like dad/my husband.

Yes at work I try real hard to put on a happy face.  One of my good friends that I have known for 20 years hasn't said anything but I know that he has noticed my lack of enthusiam about things, and my distancing myself.  I just don't feel the same anymore.

Hope you are having as good a day as possible.

[angelsonearth]

I have been feeling very lonesome since my husband has been gone, It is hard to get every thing done and people around you think you should be ok by now but I am not It still feels like I'm going to go to pieces and sometimes I do. I watch our home movies that we had together of our family and listen to him sing and play his guitar and cry the whole time.

[ruby1983christine]

I miss my companion a lot but he is gone, in a better place now from no pain, the stresses of life, i have took a big look @ things since he past away, i know he would want me to move forward, it seems crazy he has only been gone a month now, it feels like yesterday.I loved my companion and i do miss him a lot but i don't miss the mental abuse, when he would drink, his jealousy over my friends, family.

i may should not be talking with this way but this is a place to be honest about things isn't it? i love him more then anything in the world, i will miss him a lot .document.write(''); i was a basket case a month ago, now i am bit better then before.i haven't been back to the grave yard because it is 40 miles from where i live, but i will go back eventually.

i am just now stoped seeing images in my mind when he died. it isn't as bad as it use to be. in time, everyone heals differently in time  but they would want u to go on with life and just carrie them in ur heart for ever.

[ruby1983christine]

I know u loved him, missed him a lot, that is understandable. i learned to put those things away for awhile, i haven't forgot him i just learned i can heal a bit better by not seeing him as much i have him in my mind, my heart i just learned to heal easier that way everybody heals differently. if looking @ his movies and pictures help u then do so but i couldn't do that not now. but don't sit alone, watch the movies have some one with u that keeps u from being alone and if u break down then ur not alone.

i sincerely hope things get better for u.

[carlawarla]

I lost my husband on April 7th  we wee married since 1975 we hae two wonderful children Adrian i going to be 30 this year and beatrice is going to be 24. I was 18 when i married Leonard now I am 52 we spent  a lifetime together .He is canadian and I am italian we moved to Italy from Canada in 1986. We went through a lot together and now he has abandoned me he has left me and I am all alone my children are very supportive they love me very much but who is going to cuddle up with me at night? We had so many plans.. Iceland..Russia...the tour of the scottish castles who is going to tke care of me? I just wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow morning sorry kid but my life doesn't have any meaning any more

[carlawarla]

I lost my husband on April 7th  we wee married since 1975 we hae two wonderful children Adrian i going to be 30 this year and beatrice is going to be 24. I was 18 when i married Leonard now I am 52 we spent  a lifetime together .He is canadian and I am italian we moved to Italy from Canada in 1986. We went through a lot together and now he has abandoned me he has left me and I am all alone my children are very supportive they love me very much but who is going to cuddle up with me at night? We had so many plans.. Iceland..Russia...the tour of the scottish castles who is going to tke care of me? I just wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow morning sorry kid but my life doesn't have any meaning any more

[angelsonearth]

I know it is hard to do, but everyone keeps telling me to think of the good times you had, and you have your children which are a part of him also, and they need you. Was that April of this year?  I know it is hard but just keep talking to people, and reading other people's storys have helped me. I learned I was not alone that other poeople are feeling the same way we do. When you really love someone and they have been your whole life, it is hard to know what to do. I pray a lot to. Take care.

[angelsonearth]

Yes, my daughter does live with me.  She is a very sweet girl, and she misses her Daddy very much to. She loved him very much.

[carlawarla]

Yes, it was april 7th 2008  he died at 8.05 in the morning we wee all on the bed with him my kids and I. I can remember his las breath i keep running this picture over and over in my mind trying to cope with the fact that he is gone and never will come back. He4'll never come through the door and say Carla I would come downstairs and say what is is Leonard? He would say : nothing just wanted to know where you were! I can't go to the cemetary I can't see his grave can't imagine him there all by himself. Just wish I could be by myself so that could scream and cry and yell my rage and not have to pretend to be happy What am I going to do with my life?

[missingcurtis]

Just reading some of the posts today and trying not to feel too sorry for myself.

Someone told me once that we do not cry for the lost loved one but for ourselves.  At times I do agree but other times I do cry for him.  He went through so much with the cancer and the treatments.

And I have gone through a lot in the past 28 month.  There are days when I don't know where to turn.  I pray a lot and I did attend church for about a year and then quit going.  I loved going but when I left...........I felt empty again.  And I don't want to join in groups and be active by myself.

I know a lot of single women/widows or divorced women do it all the time.  I guess they are stronger than I am.  I am still missing 1/2 of myself. 

I know time  heals all wounds but the hurt is still there.

Thanks for listening,

Debbie..............................Missing Curtis

[carlawarla]

Yes, I believe that we cry for ourselves for our loneliness, for the big empty void we feel in our heart, for the painful want that we feel. They are gone wherever they have gone to is a mistery.Mankind has tryied to find solace in religion it's our way to find a solution to the big mistery of life: why are we born? What's the purpose of our life? Where has my baby gone to? I'm sure that if he could he would get in touch with me. We've discussed death often and we always said the first one to go comes back to give amessage. Well I light a candle every night so that he can find his way home but up to now he's still wondering around in the universe He's left me all by myself when my father died I used to get mad at my mother when she cried. I used to say to her: You've got me, the grandchildren and Leonard we all love you why are you crying? She said to me " I've got everything and I've got nothing  Now I know what she meant you can be4 surrounded by the love of your family but without the love of your life you're nothing.

[cmissingj]

I can relate to so much of what you are all saying. I am 40 years old. I lost my husband on March 1 after a long fight w/ a brain tumor. We have a 13 year old daughter. She was asleep when it happened. I was with my husband and we were waiting for his nurse after a rough night. I looked at him and I just knew he was going. I got in bed and put my arms around him and told him how much I loved him and that everything would be OK. It was just as he told me he wished it would be in the end. He very gently left the room and on his last breath I could feel that his heart had already stopped beating.

I am feeling all of the same things you guys are feeling. I cry at random times. I feel so horribly lonely sometimes. Then there are the times where things seem so easy compared to how they were when he was sick--and I just don't know what to do with that feeling.

How do you go from living your whole life with someone to being alone?  I mean, almost my whole life. We met when I was 17 and we have been married nearly 19 years. Now, am I married? I mean, of course, I am married. A married woman w/out a husband. What is that? How do you ever make that right?

-C

[carlawarla]

Here I am crying crying and crying . Have to poretend to cope for my children but I feel so lonely they can't understand. I go out and I see these couples shopping , walking together and i am so alone. I just cannot imagine life without him we've been together for 33 years he wasw my first and only man how can I go  on? I still cannot believe he's gone it was so fast, so sudden. Sunday morning his friend came to see hi, Sunday afternoon my sister came, Sundy night I fed him some soup. Sunday night i called my daughter at 3 am told her to come over because he was breathing strange. Called the doctor gave him a shot of cortisone he started breathin easier told the kids to go to bed I was going to lay down with him. The dog barked at about 6 am I woke up called the kids come daddy is not breathing right He left us at 8.05 April 7th. I just cannot go on living without him life has no meaning

[rodless]

Carla,

It cuts like a knife this early in the game or process or whatever you want to call this grief thing. Don't be afraid to cry and cry. You are entitled. And although I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, all that I can tell you is it is rough road and there are no shortcuts, but it does get easier to deal with as time goes on. I hated it when people told me that as there seemed to be no future and no hope of happiness ever again. I am still struggling but life once again has good days. It will be 2 years on July 7 for me.

April 7 would have been my husband's birthday and will always be a significant date for me too. He loved his birthdays and somehow that date is almost harder to get through than the date of his death.

People here are great so keep coming. It helped me to read posts from way back. At least you know you're not alone.

Mary Jo

[carlawarla]

The most difficult thing is the pretending. Pretending to be happy for the children, pretending to smile, pretending to be alive when you feel dead inside. My daughter is expecting a child she found out on the day of Leonard's funeral and only told me a few days after because she didn't know how I was going to react. My baby love is not here any more he's gone he wanted a grandchild so much how can I feel anything? That's just the thing I don't feel anything any more. I go on auto-mode do things mechanically but the nights are the worst. I can't read anymore I just lay there holding the pillow ant the towel I used to clean him. I smell it, I hold it , I hug it pretending it's him Please tell me it does get better. Please tell me that life goes on: Please tell me that one day I'll get up and I'll feel the warmth of the sun. People don't understand . My sister called me tonight but as soon as I start talking about my feeling she suddenly has to hang up. Why won0t people listen? Thank you so much for your reply. I sometimes think that I am so alone with my immense, neveredndign pain and you message really made feel better. Thanks

[rodless]

Carlawarla,

Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. I slept with the tshirt Rod had on when he died for a long time. I have been an avid reader all my life but couldn't cope with anything but grief books for months. Couldn't listen to a lot of music or watch certain tv programs. It all hurts big time and there is no way around it. BUT it does gradually get more manageable and you learn to cope. It's probably too soon for you to find that yet but I will offer you the hope and assurance that you will come through this. For awhile nothing brought contentment and joy was an emotion I never thought I'd experience again but I think I will find them both at some point.

I've been up, down, all over the place in the last 22 months and from what I've read and people who've done this have told me, that's normal. But as the months go by the good days outnumber the bad (except for March when the endless winter we had got to me big time) and most of the time I'm ok, not just pretending to be ok. My timetable is just mine...everyone moves at their own pace.

So, I hope that helps. I know when I was at the place you are, I reached for anything that would help me stay sane and get through the day. There are a lot of women on this board who understand so keep posting!

Mary Jo

[rodless]

cmissingj,

A married woman without a husband....a good way to describe how I (and no doubt a lot of others) feel. It's not something anyone who hasn't been though this can understand.  I still feel so connected to Rod.

MJ

[carlawarla]

Thank you Mary Jo , thank you for listening and thank you for understanding. You say things will get better and I am sure that with time they will. That is they'll become bearable but the loneliness will always stay. Once Leonard went downtown Florence on a Sunday when he came back he said " I was walking downtown and there were all those couples out for a Sunday stroll. Boy it must be terrible to be alone but I didn't feel alone because I knew my Carlawarla was waiting for me at home"  . Well now I know how very terrible it is to be alone. We had so many plans our next rip was going to be Scotland and a tour of the Scottish castles. I guess I'll never see them now.  Yes, I guess April is not a good month I'm so sorry for your loss and believe me I know exactly how you feel, how much it hurts , it's a physical pain in the middle of your chest like it's trying to burst open.  Thank you for being there Carla

 

[armaiti]

Carla, my partner's son and his wife are expecting their first baby now too.  I know how you feel about this - Ishaq was so looking forward to being a grandfather, and now he isn't going to be here physically to see her when she's born.  Though I know he'll be with us - he came to me in two dreams before I even knew they were pregnant and there was a baby girl with us and I just knew he was showing me his granddaughter.  Then they got pregnant several months later and it's going to be a girl.  I told his son about the dreams and he said "awesome".  (they are all very open to mystical experiences, which is good).

I know about the pretending part, though I didn't have kids so I didn't have to pretend much.  I pretty much stayed away from stuff for a long time.  I didn't play with the band we were in, didn't go to the gatherings or parties...I still don't like going to parties much, unless I know there will be a lot of my single women friends there. 

I found the first things I could take pleasure in after Ishaq left his body were things in nature - long walks, sitting by the river.  Sometimes I'd be out there talking to him and something amazing would happen, like I'd say "are you here?"  and right that second a huge fish would leap up in the river, or a feather would be at my feet...it is so hard in the beginning, but like Mary Jo said, it does get easier, though that ache is always in your heart at some level. 

Keep coming here and posting...we understand, even though others may not.  You don't really understand until you've gone through this kind of loss.

Blessings,

Anna

[carlawarla]

Anna, I'm really having a bad time coping with all this. I do try to go on with everyday things and then I stop for a second and think that my baby is upp there in the ground so close and yet so very very very far. i have problems going to see him because when I am there I have to face reality and it's so hard. Leonard was often gone for business so I don't really miss him in  my everyday life. We never went shopping together because he had no patience and I like taking my time so all my shopping was either done by myself or with my daughter. I've always been a very independant woman and we had divided aur everyday tasks. I looked after the house, the kids and i work part-time. He did everything else. He took care of me and this is waht I miss. I miss coming home and saying that the brakes were acting up and he would fix them; i miss asking him if he needed my car and he woul day HO HO someone needs gas: I miss him so much. I wish I would be alone at least I would be able to cope with my grief by myself. I just knew that he was there for me when i needed him he took care of his carlwarla.  Yes this new life coming into this world is a bitter sweet experience.  I hope that one day I will reach your level of acceptance and peacefulness but right now all I feel is this enormous endless void. Carla

[elsiemay]

Carla, you have said so many things I have been feeling too.  My husband died on May 26th of this year.  He was 35, and had a brain aneurysm.  Very unexpected, I can't get the picture of it out of my head.  And I feel completely lost without him.  We worked together, and were pretty much always around each other.  I've never had such a good friend in my life.  He was so kind and loving to me and others, his void is strongly felt, but all I want is to cuddle up with him, and just sleep.  Get all of this sadness, confusion and heartache out of my system, make it all go away, it's so hard to deal with.  I'm so sad, I know everyone here can understand the horrible pain.

 

[lspizza]

I also lost my husband very suddenly.  He had a massive heart attack and died on March 1 of this year.  He was perfectly fine on Friday and gone Saturday morning.  He was such a wonderful person - my husband, my friend, my partner, the father of my 2 young girls.   The pain and loss are so difficult to deal with, especially with the anxiety of knowing that raising my 2 girls is all my responsibility now.  I am new here at Beyond Indigo - I wanted to find some people who really know how it feels.  Today is the 4th of July - a big summer holiday.  We were the beach family - always swimming and boarding and kayaking and playing at the beach.  This is a difficult first without him for my girls and I.  We plan to be at the beach surrounded by friends and I know the girls will have a good time.  But my heart hurts.

[eternallyyours]

Oh what a blessing it is for me to find all of you. YOU are all feeling what I am feeling. I was beginning to think that I was abnormal. My husband died on April 26, 08. We met 30 years ago and would have celebrated our 25th anniversary this coming August. 29 years ago he was diagnosed with chronic progressive Multiple Sclerosis and 21 years ago, once our son was born, my sweet Donald became completely paralyzed. I cared for him for all of these years. He was my whole life and I miss him so very much every moment of the day. Mornings are the hardest for me as each morning was so focused on preparing him for the day, for his home health aide to come to assist him....our home was like grand central station with the arrival of his home health aide, who was part of our family...she had been with us for the last 7 years....nurses came once a week, friends came to visit him to read to him or play cards with him.....and now, he is not here and everything is so quiet....also, since I was not able to work all of those years, it is so frightening now as I am so trying to get my career back......and all of the scary financial stuff, the mounds of paperwork re: his death, seeing my son so sad to not be able to walk into our room and tell his dad about his day.....I have an enormous faith, and I believe that he is still with me and that God has not abandoned us, but it is still so very hard.....I am so thankful to read all of your stories....I so understand the quote, "being married without a husband." I will always be married to my sweet Donald.....oh this is so painful.....does the hurt ever stop? I, too, am a Mary-Jo Thank you for listening.

[rodless]

Hi Mary-Jo,

I am glad you found this place. It helps as much as anything can. Knowing others came through has kept me going. This is a great place to get the support you need when some of your friends and family just can't understand. My husband has been gone 2 years. It does get easier to cope with daily life, but I really really miss him. I just told someone yesterday (who lost her husband in May and is struggling) that it's a double loss...husband and best friend. Keep reading and posting!

Mary Jo

[genevieve]

It's like those people who lose a limb and say they can feel it and are always surprised to see it's not there.  It will be two months Monday and it feels like I'm losing more and more.

[eternallyyours]

Thank you Mary Jo,

I keep reminding myself that I am not the first woman who has lost her husband and best friend and I won't be the last. I know that he wants me to take care of myself, our son, and all that we have built together. I know that he wants me to have peace, joy and happiness in my life. And I know that he still loves me....as he promised he would love me forever and ever through all eternity. But....it just hurts so much to not have him right here physically beside me. I want so much to be able to smile and take each step knowing that he is by my side watching over me....I believe that, but it still hurts.....so I guess taking each moment and staying in the present moment is the best thing to do. It is nice to hear that it will get better.

Thank you for your response.

Mary-Jo