I don't know how to handle this anymore.

[Justin88894]

Hello, my name is Justin. I'm 18 and a new soldier in the US Army. While I was in Basic, I dating this young woman who I fell in love with. Her name was Littia. She was 16. Before Basic, we would talk constantly. We would facetime all the time(for those whom don't know what facetime is, its another form of Skype), talk on the phone, and such. She lived pretty far from me, states away, so we couldn't ever see each other. But...even with such a distance my heart felt closer to her as the day went by. We shared a bond, something more than anything I ever felt before. It was that..spiritual type of bond. Where your souls seem connected. There would be days I would get a gut feeling and, what do you know, she would be having a horrible time at that exact moment. I would feel sad or angry and she would text me out of the blue "Are you ok?". It was nothing I ever experienced in my 18 years of existence! I feel like i truly loved her. However, due to the stress of Basic, I sent her a letter saying I couldn't handle the relationship anymore. She never let go, so when I got out and went on con leave we still talked. I got close to her again, felt that bond I didn't feel for a month or two after breaking up. but..she was getting anxious to date me again. Stuff at home for her weren't so good, she had an extremely rough childhood. I wasn't ready for a relationship, I still wanted to enjoy a little bit of my single life like some young adults would. She didn't like this one bit. She told me one day that she met this kid and she wanted to date him until we started dating. Of course wanting her to be happy and not be some type of forceful person, told her I was okay with it...I wasn't. I hated it. But for some reason I just didn't feel up to dating her. The next night I told her I'm just better off alone..a few days later one of her friends message me on FB saying she commited suicide by hanging herself. I freaked out, started calling every single living person she knew, asking questions, getting ahold of her parents. Sure enough..it was true. When I read the text that she was dead which was sent by her mother, I snapped. I started to shake, I screamed, I wanted to break something and then I just broke down. I sobbed the whole night, nothing felt right.

Ever since her death, I'm just not the same. I feel like it was my fault, that if I wasn't looking towards my own selfishness she'd still be alive and well. I could still text her when I'm sad and tell her how much I wish I could be there right now. I can get random texts of her worrying about me. I can still hear her laugh and smile and tell me how much she cares about me. She told me one day a few months ago that if I couldn't be hers, there just wouldn't be any point in living. And I forgot about that when I told her I'd rather be alone.

I just don't know how to bear with this pain. I'm practically killing myself from the inside out. I've went from a social smoker to a heavy smoker, I've gotten back into bad habits of trying to just sleep around with others, I've grown a dark and deep depression, and I just can't look thru this. I feel like I lost my soulmate. And it's all my fault. I'm not suicidal, I'm actually feared of death. I couldn't ever think to give this type of pain to someone else who cares about me.

It's hard to describe whats going on in my head. Theres just so much sadness, the feeling of "wow, I'm never going to see her again. i lost the one person who truly mattered in my life excluding my family." to "It's all my fault. I don't deserve any happiness." I feel like I'm in a deep hole, alone. I don't feel that strong vibe whenever I talked to her, I don't feel that happiness I felt when I saw her face. Now I can't even look at her face, it makes me just sob. I feel pathetic, that I can't get over this. "Your a soldier in the US Army, where's your military bearing?!" I can't seem to escape this darkness over my heart. I just feel so alone without her. Like I'll never share that bond with someone ever again. That my only chance to having someone true is gone and I'll never see that amazing bond we shared ever again.

All I want is help. Help to get thru this grief I feel. I know she died only 11 days ago but I feel like it's been eternity since I've seen her face again. I just want to get thru this and start my life again. I don't want to be some sleep around kind of guy anymore, I don't want to be depressed. I want to smile, and be able to get thru this. But I just...I can't. I don't know how.

I don't know how to handle this anymore.

[Mdanielson4]

Justin,

My take on this is you need to contact your First Sgt right away and get some help to get through this. This is not something you hold inside and try to work through yourself. Don’t walk, run to get some help. Of course this is just my suggestion but I can tell you with great certainty it is dangerous to ignore such feelings. I only tell you this because I truly feel you can benefit from talking to a counselor. I send you my condolences and know your pain. Please get someone to help you through this.

Mike

[stargazer5510]

Justin, I don't know what to say except how sorry I am you're having to go through this and so sorry for your loss.

It simply was not your fault.

I know you're in a dark and lonely place right now. The pain and trauma is so intense. But you will love and laugh again. I promise.

Mike had good suggestions. I hope you will get some counselling and let all of this pain pour out.

Thank you for your service to our country.

((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))