dreams (and an introduction)

[MaBelle82]

Hi, everyone. This is my first post here. I posted on another message board with a lot less activity, and no one replied to it, so I figured I'd have more luck with support at a place like this. Anyway, reaching out for support is probably long overdue because I've been struggling with the loss of my father for over six months. He passed away at the end of March from what his death certificate reads as "septic shock" and what was essentially a bladder infection that spread to his blood. He was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in 2004 and pulled through it but was never the same again -- both in body and spirit. He acquired every infection that came near him and was in and out of hospitals a couple of times per year. He was only 51 when he died.

This is going to be long, but I feel like some backstory is needed. My parents divorced when I was 14, in the mid-90s. My dad remarried in 2009, but his wife left him during the summer of 2011. He had always struggled with depression and was sent spiraling after that. He literally stopped taking care of himself by taking up smoking, eating only junk food, drinking heavily, etc.

When he was admitted to the hospital for what they thought was only congestive heart failure (which was a new condition to begin with), I knew it was different from all of the other hospital stays. He was confused and much quieter than his usual cynically-witted self. I knew he was going to die but didn't know that I knew until he did.

Because his wife was almost his ex-wife, I suddenly became the decision-maker. My sister is younger and much more "fragile", so I took on the role of strong leader, which came with a sort of numbness that I will never forget. After they life-flighted him to a better hospital, and he was hooked up to what seemed like one hundred machines, and the doctors started asking me when to stop trying...I barely remember feeling anything. I was crying, but I couldn't feel anything. They said that his brain wasn't producing any activity and that he couldn't feel pain as his organs shut down one by one, but I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that my dad's body was lying in front of me, but his spirit was gone...or was it? I'm not a particularly religious person, but I was searching for some kind of reassurance that he wasn't scared or hurting. But I'll never know that. The next thing I knew, I was in charge of picking out a casket and had to stand and accept condolences at the funeral home when all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and cry. My dad, who was my best friend for my whole life, was gone, and I was suddenly in charge of making all of these decisions that I had never considered in my entire life.

Since then, my nights are plagued by dreams of him -- sometimes sad, sometimes anxiety-inducing, sometimes creepy. Recently, they involve me transporting his body places in my car. He is sitting up and staring ahead, and I know that he is "dead" but that he is still aware of what is around him. He can't breathe or talk or anything like that, but I know he's still "there".

In my waking life, my partner is an angel in her support, and my toddler always senses when Mama gets sad but obviously doesn't quite get it. Life goes on. But I somehow can't. These dreams affect everything in my day by being in the back of my head, but they are only a symptom. I don't know how to process this grief. Sometimes I will cry the entire way to work (45 minutes), and other days, I will barely be able to emote about anything.

I guess I just finally needed to turn somewhere else for support...somewhere where people know what it's like.

Thank you for reading. It feels relieving just to get it all out.

[ModKonnie]

MaBelle,

I am so sorry about the loss of your dad. You had a lot to shoulder, but you did it. Picking out a casket for someone is ultra traumatic all by itself, and to have to be the one to make the decisions is so difficult. It's something that takes some time.

Many people experience nightmares when their loved ones die. It is very normal.

There are many people here who have lost their parents. They will be here to support and encourage you. Feel free to join into any conversation.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[kaycee42]

Hi MaBelle

I am sorry for your loss. I have lost both my parents within two and a half years of each other. I too have children and as you say life does go on, but sometimes I feel like I am in my own little bubble of pain and go through my days on auto. As for the dreams I can relate to this. I think that our minds are in such turmoil that our dreams run wild. I have even woken out of a dream in uncontrollable tears, so you see it is perfectly normal. It is just our minds way of trying to make sense of the trauma. One day at a time is the only way to go. Talk to others on here, reply to others it does help. Take care of yourself.

[MaBelle82]

Thank you, both of you. I read your responses on the day that you posted them, and they have really helped in the back of my mind. I'm glad I found this place.

[JennaJMU]

MaBelle,

I really can relate to your pain. My dad's death certificate reads "septic shock" as well. He was a perfectly healthy 64 year old man with Myasenthia Gravis, which is an auto immune disease which causes muscle weakness. While it's a pain to deal with, it doesn't usually cause death. However he was on immune suppressing drugs to treat the disease and he ended up with a respiratory virus at the end of June. By early July he was in the hospital and on a ventilator. Slowly, every organ system began to shut down. First his lungs, which resulted in the ventilator, the first few days on the ventilator, he was aware and asking to be sedated. Then they gave him paralytics to do a bronchoscope and he never really came to again. His blood pressure dropped dramatically, and he needed to be put on all kinds of medicines to keep it up, his blood counts were extrememly low, and he needed many transfusions, his kidneys stopped functioning and he needed dialysis. In the last few days of the 24 days he was in the hospital they started asking us what his wishes were. I refused to give up, no one had yet told me that he had no hope. On the last day of his life, his hands and his feet were turning purple and despite 100% oxygen on the ventilator, his body was not oxygenating. I asked them what his chances of survival were...they told me less than 1%. I asked them if I had done everything that could be done for him and what his mental status is. They said due to lack of oxygen and the organ systems shutting down, he just slipped away at some point and wasn't there anymore. I am an only child and my mother and I made the decision to take him off the life support once his sister and her husband got there, and my husband too. I didn't realize just how much he was being kept alive until they turned everything off and it was minutes, maybe seconds, until he was gone. I held his hand and put one hand on his heart, in an effort to feel it's last beat. I like to think he was already above me looking down on the scene, feeling no pain. I really do think he felt nothing, and it was just a shutting down of his physicial body while his spirit was already gone. I bet it was the same for your dad. In my lower moments, I torture myself with the events of that day. I by no means regret our decision to end treatment, but I for some reason force myself to relive that nightmare over and over again.

I too have dreamed of my dad. Only three times. The first time was the week after his death. I dreamt that I was in a hospital and he was there. We decided to stop the life support. The nurses came to me and said "We we stopped the support but he's still living". I went to his bedside and he looked like he was sleeping, but he wasn't dead. Then he sat up and whispered "I'm sorry." in my ear and layed back down and continued to sleep. I keep wondering what he was sorry about. Leaving us perhaps.

The next dream, my mom, dad, husband and I were sitting at an italian restaurant. We were talking and laughing. In my dream I realized that he had died, but he was back to visit with us. I asked him if he was here to help mom understand everything. He said "yes, I've come back to walk her through it all" Then I said, "you know Dad, when you went into the hospital, none of us knew it was going to end like this." He said "I know." Then I looked down at my lap and started crying. I looked up at him and said "I just miss you." He was sitting next to me and he turned to look at me and gave me a brilliant smile...and his face was that of his younger years, before I ever was alive. He looked like he did in my parents wedding pictures. It startled me awake. I really believe this is how he appears in Heaven.

The third dream was long and strange but to make a long story short, a man broke into my house and I restrained him and called the cops. My parents showed up after hearing about the ordeal. My Dad said "I'm sorry I wasn't here. I usually come over on Tuesday's but I thought you were working". (I have a 10 month old baby and I took a 6 month maternity leave. For many days of my maternity leave my dad would come over and hang out with me and my daughter, he loved her so much. He was almost always there on Tuesday's). I said to him, "Dad, you couldn't have been here, you're not here anymore." and he said "Jenna, I'm always here"

I truely believe that he is communicating with me in these dreams, since they all have such powerful messages. I don't think I've dreamed of him since September, so the dreams are getting further apart. I just want signs that he's ok and that someday I'll understand all of this, and why my life had to be this way. I want my daughter to know him, but she was only 7 months old when he died. He was the most amazing grandfather and loved her more than anything in the world. My mom just retired in June and they had so many plans together. This is so unfair.

I just wanted you to know I understand and our stories are similar. It's comforting to know others have gone through similar things.

[Mtlost]

I understand about being the one making decisions. I am an only child, my parents divorced over 30 years ago (though recently my dad admitted to me he wanted my mom back- even though they haven't spoken since my wedding 5 years ago and he is married to wife 4)

I live across the country from my mom and I was in a plane within 4 hours of hearing she was taken to the hospital. I thought I was going to help my mom recover from cardiac arrest. While I was enroute my husband called during my first layover to tell me they were keeping her alive for me. I had to go and make the decision to remove her from life support. The rest of my family was at the hospital waiting for me. But they could make no decision on her care.

She had a massive stroke, (anoxic brain injury) and It caused cardiac arrest.

I had to make that decision and it has haunted me since. I had to plan the service- all of it. All while in shock. I was numb. I did not like the minister that was going to do the service (he was 45 min late to meet us, and called my mom the wrong name) I almost told him to forget it- I'd do it myself. But I relented.

I can hear her in my head sometimes, and can't wait to dream about her.

I'm so sorry that you lost him. So so sorry

[val]

Hi. My name is Val. First, I am so sincerely sorry for the losses described in this particular forum. I still have my parents but they are 80 and 83 - I know i won't have them much longer and am so frightened of that fact. You see my husband died July 5 2012. That is why i post here primarily.. I am waiting for a dream with Jerry in it.. you are blessed to have these confirmations from the angelic realm that they are still with you in spirit. If I was having dreams that scared me, well honestly, i don't know what i'd do. So, MaBelle , i think you are processing grief and all the recent trauma you've endured. I think what you are going through is your mind trying to make sense of things. You certainly have come to a good place for feedback and support, that I can assure you my dear. Post again and keep coming back here. Again, my sincere condolences for your loss. Val