Lost my husband of 44 years

[clerky96]

I know this is probably the craziest post of all time, but I have to post it anyway.

My husband of 44 years passed away on Oct 15, 2012. Last Nov, out of the blue, we found out he had a very aggressive, malignant brain tumor called glioblastoma multiforme. He had had no symptoms at all until one evening he had red floaters going across his line of vision. He had a ct scan and there it was. He had surgery, chemo, & radiation, and came through it all wonderfully. However, because of other health issues, he was not able to receive any maintenance chemo and the tumor regrew; along with two more. He tried other treatments and for one reason or another his body also rejected those. His health slowly declined, but his mind was great until about a month ago when he had some seizures. He rapidly declined from that point and passed away 19 days later. I am so thankful he was never in any pain. He didn't want to have to take morphine and he didn't have to.

He was my high school sweetheart and we truly had a remarkable relationship. I know everyone feels like their partner is/was their soul mate, and I respect that, but our friends & family used to tell us how lucky we were to have the kind of love and friendship with each other that we had. Now that is all gone and I feel like half of me is gone. We have 3 beautiful daughters, and 7 wonderful grandchildren and they have helped me so much that I can't even express how much I love them. They are my reason for continuing this daily struggle called life.

I guess I feel the need to post here because others are going through the same things I am, and I have a question. Should I be going to counseling? I know that everyone grieves differently, but I am concerned about what is going on with me. I have been so strong through all of this. I even stood at his funeral and told a little story about his love of old country music. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly sad and I miss him so much and I cry, but I think I should be crying all the time and I am not. I know we went through a stressful 11 months, and we both knew he was not going to beat this as no one does. I cried some during that time, but he was so strong and just lived his life as if it were not ending; until he reached the point he couldn't. He was a avid golfer, fisherman, outdoorsman and could no longer do any of that for the last 6 months. He was not afraid to die and I think he actually welcomed the end when it came. I am certainly not glad he is gone. I am glad that he no longer has to sit in a chair and watch life go by. Although he never expressed it, I know he was unhappy with the way his life was those last months.

So what do you think is going on with me? Am I going to get a few months into this, then have a complete meltdown? I don't want that to happen for our kids sake. Should I be going to see someone now? I hate that my love is gone and I will never hear his laughter, see his smile, or feel his touch again. I feel okay. Sad, but okay. Am I?

[mavericks_goose]

It'll take some time for it to really set in but counseling and grief therapy support groups really do help and wouldn't be a bad idea to start attending now so that when it does set in you've already got the support of others dealing with the same thing there for you when it happens. I know this site has already greatly helped me, my Kyle passed away almost 4 months ago and I've been struggling badly until I came here about a week ago. It's helped knowing that I'm not alone and that I have others that are willing to help me through my difficult struggling times. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to you can just message me anytime. I hardly sleep, nights are the worse for me. So if you need someone to talk to you've come to the right place.

[paulaj]

Dear Clerky96,

I am so sorry for your loss. People do grieve differently, but if you have concerns, may I make a few suggestions? Shop around for a therapist, preferably one who specializes in grief. Explain your situation. Perhaps you can negotiate seeing her/him maybe every other week or some other schedule that is agreeable to both of you. Or weekly, until you establish some kind of relationship, and then less often, if you wish. When you ask questions to decide if this is the provider for you, flexibility is important. It can be good to have someone to speak with and have in place in case you feel that you need it. Or, don't act unless you feel you do need somebody. Whatever feels right to you.

Grief can be such an unpredictable journey. There are no *shoulds* with any of it. Your process is your process. If you're feeling O.K. now, go with it. If the time comes when you're in another place, you'll know what to do. Your reaching out now and that is a big step. We are all here for you.

Sincerely,

Mandala

[Bacher123]

There is no right or wrong to this. Everyone grieves differently, some are stricken with debilitating grief, others are angry, some, well, some like yourself, may very well be blessed with an abundance of peace from the Lord that allows you to go through this a little less traumatically. I read a wonderful book titled "Getting to the other side of Grief". It talked in the book about who we were before our loved ones passed and how that plays into who we are after they pass and how we handle this process. Might be a good read for you.

Anyway, what I am trying to say and not so eloquently is... do whatever makes you feel good or gives you peace. How can that ever be wrong?

[clerky96]

Thanks for your replies. I just ordered the book Getting to the Other Side of Grief from Amazon. I truly believe that I will see him again someday. I know he is somewhere where there is no sadness and he has left the darkness behind and is walking in the light. We had a lot of time to talk about what will happen next, and he told me that when it is my time, he will come for me.

[Mdanielson4]

Clerky96,

Hello, I’m Mike and I agree everyone handles these emotional times differently. I would never discourage anyone from seeking help with a councilor. The problem is some are wonderful and some are, so so. There are no guarantees, I can tell you it helped me more than I ever imagined. I go back starting tomorrow for a few more sessions. My Mom died March 24^th and my wife died May 16^th of this year. I have lost the two most important people in my life. I am having problems coping my wife and I married 32 years ago. She was everything to me. Personally I would say take all the help you can get. Only you will know if it is helping. I know I need it.

Mike

[UnderHis Wings]

clerky96, you sound 100% normal to me! At least, I would say that my grief is lived out like yours. Sometimes I'm fine and it makes me wonder if I'm unlike other people. Other times I just start crying.

My husband and I were married just 2 weeks shy of 43 years.

Let me add that I'm sorry for your loss.

[stargazer5510]

I too want to add how sorry I am for your loss.

My husband travelled a lot and when he passed, somehow it was just like he was on a road trip. I cried a lot and had some bad moments, but I did pretty well. But it all just hit me really hard again a few weeks ago. A series of random events and wow, I'm in the crapper again.

So, ya, it's an uncertain journey for everyone. I think you're asking if you need pre-emptive counselling to avoid a meltdown somewhere down the road, and if there's a meltdown somewhere down the road, it will probably come whether you've had counselling or not, but having a pre-existing relationship with a professional or group would probably come in real handy. My doctor committed suicide a few months after my husband died - they were both exactly the same age - and that laid me low. I tried hard to find someone to talk with and never did.

It's also very possible that because you were able to talk with your husband about a lot of issues and you have peace around them, you may be experiencing this in an entirely different way from many of us. Truly, that sounds like such a wonderful gift.

So nice to meet you.

[clerky96]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I think I am going to see if there are any group grief sessions in this area. I went to our 9 year old granddaughters basketball game yesterday and when she scored the first basket, I couldn't stop the tears. Her grandpa used to practice with her by playing "horse". I know there will be many more times when this will happen, but I know that, in a way, it is honoring a memory of the good times. A year ago I never dreamed that I would be in this place, but I guess someone had a different plan. I know that I have to learn to live a different life than the one I had before and it is what he would want.