I couldn't wake her up :'(

[ReReKitty]

I went to wake my mom up two weeks ago but she had passed away in her sleep. I'm only 22 she was only 45. It was the day after my birthday and I just wanted to thank her again for the gifts and hang out with her and let her play with her grand daughter. I just want to go back to that morning and be able to wake her up. I knew something was wrong by the fact she was halfway off the bed. But I was shaking her and shaking her and she was gone and it was too late. I miss her so so so so much. It was the most horrific and traumatizing moment of my life and it won't stop playing back in my mind. I love my mom, and it still doesn't feel like this is possible. She was helping me through so much, I can barely take care of my baby now because the grief is so heavy and I keep reliving the scene of finding her. I am staying strong for her, as strong as possible. I keep having visions of watching the coroner and paramedics wheel her out with a sheet over her. I feel sick remembering it and try to push it out of my mind. Besides the traumatization, I'm having mom withdrawals. All I want to do is go upstairs and talk to her and give her a hug. She had been killed by a stroke. She had a mini stroke a month before, but we all thought she was in the clear. Obviously not. I wish I could have done something. I wish I woke her up on my birthday to say goodnight. My sister and I spent the whole evening in the animal emergency clinic to put mom's cat to sleep since he had broken his spine. Mom was heartbroken, and I didn't wake her up when we got home because I didn't want to bother her. I knew she needed rest (not this much!!!) and didn't want to wake her up but now I wish I did because then I could have said I loved her and told her I was sorry about the cat and thank her for my birthday stuff. I want to curl up in a ball and die right now, this pain is unbearable. The crying and such over the cat was probably the catalyst but the coroner/doctor said it would have happened regardless. I just wish her last emotion wasn't heartbreak as she cried herself to sleep while we were gone, I wish her last thoughts as she drifted were not about the loss of her cat. I wish I woke her up and hugged her and spent the night up late talking to her like we did so often. Maybe she wouldn't have died. God, I miss my mom so much. All I was expecting when I walked in her room was to comfort her, thank her, talk to her. I wasn't expecting to find her gone. It didn't even seem possible, and it still doesn't.

[Rms1977]

I'm so sorry of your loss. I do too, feel your pain. My mother died on my chest on 9-18-2012. One month ago. Every time I close my eyes, I see them strip her clothes off, and shock her poor frail body. She looked 9 months pregnant, and only weighed 75 lbs. her bowels exploded, hence the swelling, and actually came up through her mouth, and nose. The images I annoy get out of my head. I too, am very young. 34, she was one month away from her 59 birthday.

They say time heals all pain. From where you and I both stand, it doesn't seem so. All I can do, is try to stay strong for my kids, and you as we'll. big hugs and healing to us both!!

[star2000]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. This is something that I never ever dreamed I would also have to be dealing with so early. I wish I had some comforting words for you but sadly I am still very depressed and feel like my world is gone. I was the only girl. I am 31 and my mom was 47. She would have been 48 tomorrow and her and my dad would have been married for 32 years on the 29th. She passed away 22 days ago and I just feel like im living in a nightmare. I am here if you need to talk things out. I am trying to stay strong for my 2 boys but sometimes I dont know how I can be. She was my best friend and the one person that I could talk to about anything and everything. Hugs to you and again I am sorry for the loss of your mom.

[MaBelle82]

I feel for you so much, especially about reliving those traumatizing moments. I often can't get the last night of my dad's life out of my head -- the hospital machines, his lifeless body, etc. You are not alone. I'm 29 with a toddler, and my dad was only 51, so I understand your anger at losing your mom too soon. I wish I could comfort you more, but please know that you are not alone.