I thought I could handle this alone ........

[My3MGirls]

My loving wife passed away a couple of months ago. I never thought of her this way before, and I guess I would have never thought I would say this, but apparently I have lost my soul mate.

The funeral home and the hospice she was in all offered me grief counseling, etc. but I refused. In fact, I still would refuse because I want to handle my loss and my feelings in private. But I am really having a hard time. Without my wife, I seem to be lost. Yes, I get up in the morning and do what I am supposed to do. I do the chores; I do the shopping; I cook/clean, etc. etc. But it seems like I find no joy anymore in what I do.

I have three dogs. Well, they are mine now, but my wife picked them all out. I love them too and to some strange extent, they give me purpose to go on -- I have to care for them, feed them, and love them. I have no family here close to me, but I really don't even want to talk to them about this situation -- why is that?

I know that time will heal all wounds. I have lost love ones before. I have lost loyal companions and pets before too. I lost my mother and father. And all of those losses hurt me too, but I got over it. But it seems that this time, the hurt is very deep and immense.

I am trying to find some volunteer work or something to keep me occupied, but I cannot find anything that interests me. I know my limitations and my likes/dislikes, so I have a pretty narrow window of opportunity for volunteer work.

How have you others in similar situations been coping with this?

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[val]

My name is Val and my husband Jerry died July 5 2012, a few months ago now. The only reason I can handle it at all is because I talk about it, counsel on it and spend a lot of time at this website. But that does not sound like what you think is necessary or you dislike the idea. I would still encourage you to talk maybe to a pastor - someone, anyone - because if your relationship was like mine, my soulmate is gone, and part of me and part of my heart , went with him. I cannot answer your question as to 'why is that". But i can answer how i've been coping with losing a soulmate and believe i did above. Talk about it. You could always call hospice back and try, just try ,talking with them. My heart goes out to you. I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your wife. Your wife must have passed about the same time Jerry did. God Bless You, val

[DJCCHV]

Hi. My husband died March 6th this year. Like you, I have no family nearby and like you I didn't want to share my grief with just anyone, so much so that I did not hold a funeral for my husband or even a memorial of any kind until two whole months after his death. I just couldn't stand the idea of talking with people who hadnt known him that well about his death. I had some friends who were close enough totalk to about things I was feeling, things like the day I threw an absolute temper tantrum at god for taking my husband so early when it was perfectly clear that he was doing everything he could to stick around for deades more. I managed, just as you are doing what needed to be done, but it was like I'd lost my motivation every single bit of it. be very very gentle with yourself. this phase will not last forever. If you think of something that will give you some pleasure, just for a few moments, maybe a stop for a frozen yogurt or some time spent just soaking in the sun. I don't know about you, but my husband's death greatly increased my awareness that this life really could end at any time and you can't put off living. When I caught myself thinking "I've always wanted to do that and never have," I started acting on those urges. Going to an improve comedy performance was one of those things that I did just because I knew it could take me out of my pain for a brief time. Taking a class in improv was one of the things I did because I caught myself thinking "I've always wondered whether I'd be any good at that," while watching the show. All that being said, I'm here, on this forum. I found there were things I was putting off even thinking about because they were too painful but I knew I'd have to eventually deal with them, and after 7 months, my friends seem just a bit impatient with hearing about my grief. Not that they'd ever say "Isn't it about time you stopped this," but I can tell they'd rather I get on to other things. It's only been two months for you. You're doing fine. I know because you've felt the impulse to try to come out of that stuck place. that's a positive step in and of itself. I certainly can't promise you any immediate relief for more than an hour at a time, but the relief times will get longer. And it will likely be quite a while before there aren't horrible days or even horrible weeks, but little by little, things that hurt so much at first, won't hurt anymore. Look out for them. For me, I first noticed when riding the bus didn't instantly send my thoughts to my lost love because we'd been interviewed together about not having a car and getting around by bus. All that time, since he'd died, I'd had to continue riding the bus just to get around, and every time, it had hurt. And then there came a trip when my mind didn't automatically go where it had been going. I noted that little bit of relief, that little bit of progress, and I knew I'd make it. I didn't just know it in theory, like you do now, I knew it from inside, and that made a huge difference. I've probably talked your ear off. Sorry. Take care.

[UnderHis Wings]

My husband died the first week of September 2012. I cope a thousand times better when I'm with an adult child of ours and/or grandchildren. Now all the financial problems are depressing me because a large institution is trying to take advantage of me. I feel as though I'm beating my head against a brick wall.

[Mdanielson4]

My wife died May 16^th 2012, a day burnt into my memory that changed my life forever. I put myself into a shell the first month and didn’t talk to anyone. I went to Los Vegas to visit relatives and just stayed in the house when I was there for a week. I was just numb. Then I had to go back to where I worked. My wife is buried 500 miles from where I am currently working. That is difficult too, I want to visit the grave site and talk to her. It has been over 5 months now and today driving to my work I started crying and had a hard time trying to stop. It is uncontrollable but one minute I think I am getting better and I hear a song or see a picture and it triggers it. Feeling that are so deep I didn’t know they were there. We were married for 32 years and she was everything to me. Not a moment goes by without me thinking of her. I would give anything for just one more minute, one more hug, one more kiss. Anything! I have good days but I still have many bad ones too. I suggest you seek counsel it is hard to ask, and I didn’t think I wanted help either but without any family near me I needed someone. I have just started the second set of sessions with a counselor and she seems to be a comfort for me just to have someone to listen. I also joined a group that meets twice a month and I look forward to the sessions of sharing with them. I am truly an introvert and it is difficult but I find comfort. I wish you the best of luck. This is great people here keep posting it is therapeutic. I love the people here they have given me much comfort.

Mike

[My3MGirls]

Thanks to all of you who have replied; even the personal messages. I have either heard, or thought of, everything that everyone has said here. So obviously, all this input and thoughts must be true. But like you all know yourself, it still is very, very difficult and very painful. As I sit her typing, I cannot help but keep from crying. If it wasn't for my family and my three dogs, I would probably go join my wife.

[DJCCHV]

Stay, Mythreegirls. Stay and help us. Stay because you don't want to add to your family's pain or even your dogs' pain. I'm sure you know they grieve, too. I'm going to tell you a story about my cat (who was my husband's cat before he died. Up till then, the cat made it clear he preferred my sweetie). I've been doing some rearranging of the house, and in the process, there was an empty box on the bed. The cat immediately took up residence in the box. I found one of my sweetie's T-shirts and put it in the box to soften the box for the cat and I thought the cat would like it, recognizing my sweetie's smell. Caramel came to the box, sniffed the shirt, and went into alarmed super-vigilant mode. He searched the whole apartment, looking all over for my sweetie, then returned to the box, but only to the other side of the box where he wasn't touching the shirt. This was six months after my sweetie's death. The very evening of my sweetie's death, the cat climbed into my lap voluntarily for the first time ever and stayed there, and ever since my sweetie's death the cat has been ever so much more interactive with me than he ever had been, so much so that a friend, noticing it, joked that my sweetie had taken up residence inside the cat. Let your dogs provide comfort to you, and make what you want of my story.

[Bacher123]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my soul mate in a tragic accident just short of a month ago. I force myself to get up, go to work, but all the joy is gone. It is as if a blanket of sorrow covers everything I do now. I realize how short our time here is and find myself bargaining with God just to bring him back. Everyone keeps telling me that time heals. People who have gone through tell me that, I have to believe it.

Someone told me that we don't have to live right now, we just have to survive and the living will come. So don't put pressure on yourself now, be kind to yourself. Your soul, all of our souls, need to heal. It is a wound and while we will stop the bleeding at some point, we will always carry the scar.

Just survive right now, that is all that is expected and you are doing that.

[stargazer5510]

That was one good piece of advice I got at the time of Gene's death, "just do the next thing".

It hurts. I'm thankful too for this forum and all the good listeners here.

(((((hugs everyone)))))))))

[My3MGirls]

Last night something happened that made me happy and sad, all at the same time. I decided to look through all our old photo albums to find some pictures of my wife and/or the both of us that I was going to have digitized and saved, and then maybe made into a big collage or something.

So I got out all the photo albums and went thru them. There were some good and nice pictures that I put aside, but I realized that that we did not have as many photos as perhaps we should have. That is probably both my wife's and my fault -- we were not big photo taking people. So our collection of photos is sparse, compared to other families. This made me sad and regretful.

But as I was looking thru all the photo albums my three girls (my dogs) were all looking with me. The oldest one on my right, the next oldest on my left, and my little puppy (9 months old) on my back looking over my shoulder. I was lying on my stomach on the bed while going thru the albums and the three of them kept licking/kissing me. It was like they were enjoying looking at the photos with me and telling me that they loved me. I was doing this for about an hour, and thru all that time, all three of them stayed right there with me. So in a very unique way, maybe they were trying to tell me something.

[widower2]

The funeral home and the hospice she was in all offered me grief counseling, etc. but I refused. In fact, I still would refuse because I want to handle my loss and my feelings in private. But I am really having a hard time.

Given that last part, I respectfully suggest you reconsider. I understand wanting privacy, and if that's your way, great, whatever works. But having someone to talk to (as you're finding out here I think) can help a great deal.

I know that time will heal all wounds.

Again with all due respect, this is simply untrue and whoever came up with it should be shot. Yes, it helps a great deal, but it does not, generally speaking "heal all wounds." I think it is more accurate to say it gradually helps to shrink the wound down to a much more manageable size.

I have lost love ones before. I have lost loyal companions and pets before too. I lost my mother and father. And all of those losses hurt me too, but I got over it. But it seems that this time, the hurt is very deep and immense.

Of course. You expect your parents to go before you. Your partner, not really. It's totally different.

I am trying to find some volunteer work or something to keep me occupied, but I cannot find anything that interests me. I know my limitations and my likes/dislikes, so I have a pretty narrow window of opportunity for volunteer work.

Clearly you like animals - how about at a local animal shelter?

How have you others in similar situations been coping with this?

Similar to you, in some ways that is: struggling to cope with day to day life, looking for answers, experiencing a pain unlike any other, etc.

I'm very sorry for your loss, but I hope unloading here and knowing there are others who "get" where you're at helps........

[Bacher123]

There is no doubt in my mind your dogs knew that you needed them and they need you just as much in this time. Don't worry yourself much about the pictures, the best images of my beloved are in heart and mind. I can close my eyes right now and picture his face and smile, I am sure you can as well.