Mother my Hero

[star2000]

I wrote a poem for my mother when I was in High School. My Senior year I bought a quarter page and placed the poem and pictures of us together in it. It was again published but this time was in the Funeral memorial brochure everyone recieved the day we said our goodbyes to her. My mother got sick in 2004 that is when we found out that her heart was pretty much mush and that she would need to be placed on a heart transplant list. Sadly at that time my mother was smoking, not very long, not sure who got her started. Well she made it a year and still not put on the list. I had my 1st son in 2002 in which my mother rushed me to the hospital when my water broke. We had a great laugh about that for years. She called him her cuddle bug. My 2nd son was born in 2005 and she was in the room with me when he arrived. He was her love bug. She loved being a Mammy so very much. I thought that we would have years and years with her. I forget what year she got a pacemaker it was a hard surgery placing it in. They said that her heart was like mush and that it was hard to get the wires where they needed to go. Well Life went on and she started having to go to the hospital because of her heart hurting. Her kidneys started messing up and she had to have one removed. Then her body started retaining fluid. My poor mom got huge. It was hard for her to walk sometimes and later on it got hard for her to breath. She ended up in the hospital at least every year sometimes more. This year she went in in June and was there for a week. I remember the call that I got from my dad while I was at work. The doctors told him that there was nothing else that they could do. She was going in one day a week for 24 hours so that they could hook her up to an iv and help pull fluid off. Over time it got to where it was causing harm to her liver and kidney. She was getting frustrated because it was getting to be a hassle to her. Her veins would always roll away. It became a pain trying to get her hooked up for iv's, blood drawn, anything. Well She ended up in the hospital in June, and the doctor had said that he didnt think that she would make it then. My mom was a tough woman and pulled through and when the doctor finally released her, they had a talk about what to expect. Mom told him that she just wanted to go home. She was bedridden from then on. She spent the last few months of her life in bed in her bedroom. She was finally able to get up and get to the bedside comode but was unable to walk to far. She filled out paperwork to get someone to come in to provide care for her. We had talked before that if I could get paid to care for her then I would in a heartbeat. Which I was caring for her without getting paid when I wasnt at my job. Well she finally got approved and then I was able to get my paperwork filled out to take care of her so I could spend 6 hours a day instead of just a couple. I started caring for her on September 3rd. That day was Labor day and so my grandparents came down to visit and we had a cookout. It was a lovely day and my mom enjoyed it so much. She was always a happy person and smiling and playing tricks on people. They where not mean tricks but she was always one who thought on her feet. Everyone loved that about her and enjoyed joking with her. Well each day we would talk about different things on tv or the internet. We would play bingo on FB. I tried making things as fun for her as I could since she could not get out of her room. Well September 28th I went in as usual. It was Friday and I was in a fair mood. The sky was a gloomy gray and had been for a few days. When I showed up we talked as usual. I told her the sky was so gloomy that it made me feel like something was wrong. I was having a few issues at home or so I had thought. Things at home was unusually quiet and it just had me scared. I talked to her about it as usual. Now I wish I would have talked about my childhood, how much I love her, great memories instead. I always go to work at 8am. I went to the kitchen and got her a drink and got me something to eat when I returned she was laying back in her bed like she was asleep. It wasnt hard for her to fall asleep out of the blue but I could tell there was more to it then her being asleep. Her chest looked like she had 2 hearts, and I saw her lips turning blue. I turned the oxygen up for her and asked her what was wrong. She said that she had felt dizzy. I asked her if she would let me go and get my dad. She told me no. Thankfully my youngest brother came into the room about that time and saw her and saw me. I motioned towards her door to go get our dad who slept in the living room. He moved in there when we had to move a hospital bed in their room. He came in and immediately called a nurse to come out. She checked my mothers vitals and said that her heart was racing. It was beating 162 beats. She told my dad that it wouldnt hurt to call an ambulance. It felt like forever for them to get out there. My dad was following them, and I was following behind him. On the way, I listened to the radio and heard, Last kiss by Pearl Jam. I started crying and switched off the song. I have always loved that song but didnt want to listen to it. My dad and I sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever. Well we finally got to go back and visit with my mom. she was in so much pain, my heart ached for her. The hooked some kind of machine up to her to test her pacemaker and saw that it was working very well and that she had started having trouble at 8:45. I didnt know because at that time we was still talking. She not once complained of hurting. Well I had to go home so that I could get my kids off the bus. My dad called me shortly after I got home and said my mom was placed in CCU. Well I cooked and fed my family and shortly after we ate, my phone rang. It was my dad telling me to get my 2 brothers and for us to get down there. I asked why, and he said that the doctor didnt think that she would make it through the night. We went up there and spent the night in the CCU waiting room. I remember being frustrated because there was some people from their church who was there till 2am. What was frustrating was them talking about something they had going on at church the next morning, and was sitting there and filling these grab bags, and not one of them went back during visiting hours to see my mom. My mom made it through the night but I knew it would be best for my moms parents to get to see her one last time. I called my grandparents and eventuallly just went and picked them up. My kids couldnt stay in the waiting room because they are both under 12 so my husband, oldest brother, and I went out to eat, and ran around so that my grandparents could be with my mom. The put a breathing tube in her throat because even with oxygen, it was hard for her to breath and it was causing her heart to race. My mom agreed to the tube just because the fact that they hoped it would help her breath better and give her heart a chance to slow down. Her blood pressure was dropping. It was just like everything was going wrong. While my grandparents was there, my mom kept moving her feet really fast, it looked like wings flapping and that is what my grandparents said was that she was testing her angel wings. She said I love you with her hands. Things wasnt going great and they had her hands tied down to keep her from trying to pull the tube and finally sedated her. Well I had to go home that night because my husband had to work the next day. He works at the local airport and so I took him lunch that day and my kids got to watch him work a little. They watched a couple of planes take off. I kept my phone close because I wanted to be able to get to the hospital if things was changing. I had to go home again that night but my dad called me and said that we where going to take the breathing tube out Monday October 1st. My husband got the ok from his boss to stay home and I told him that my kids where not going to school. I went and stayed the entire night in the CCU room with my mom. I was scared to leave the room to use the bathroom afraid I wouldnt be there. When the drs came around that morning they informed that my mom would never be the same, I dont know how many iv's they had going to her for medicines. they had the breathing tube, they had a bp cuff on her and one in her artery. We talked them into taking away the sedation so that we could talk to her to make sure we where doing what she wanted. My heart still breaks even now thinking about it. My mother was completly off the sedation and never came to ever again, she never spoke again, never moved again. The doctors that evening finally agreed to start slowly shutting down the iv fluids. It was amazing being in there. My dad held my moms hand the entire time, I started holdling her other hand. We are not sure when she honestly passed because her pacemaker kept shocking her heart, the iv fluids was helping, and the breathing tube was breathing for her. They finally came in with a magnet to place over the pacemaker to make it stop. She was such a special person that she was always on the 3rd floor and the nurses up there loved my mom so much that they had a monitor up there where they could watch her vitals as well so that they would know what was going on with her. I remember just watching the monitor in her room and watching everything slowly going away. When it was finally done, I thought I was going to collapse. I started crying because I felt like my world was gone. My mother, my best friend, was gone. I saw the color draining from her face. It hurt me seeing her like that but I knew that she wasnt hurting anymore. When I left the hospital I looked up at the sky and blew a kiss to my mom. My heart ached so bad. I went home and told my sons that their mammy was gone. I have lost family memebers before and it hurt but this was just so unimaginable. My mother was only 47 years old. I never expected to be 31 and lose my mom. I didnt sleep to well that night. I remember going and looking out the bathroom window that is facing the road and saw people coming and going like nothing had happened. It made me so angry, I felt like the world should have stopped. My mom didnt have life insurance. The funeral home we had her at said we had to come up with $8,000 before we could have her viewing, or her funeral. Sadly we couldnt come up wth the $. My dad had me go and choose a dress for my mom. I found one that I loved. My dad had her moved to a different funeral home so that we could at least get financed so we could lay my mother's body to rest. They said that the dress I had chose wouldnt work because it would be to small. I felt sick to my stomach because I had failed my mom. My husband took me everywhere to find that dress. Well thankfully we found something. I wasnt as happy with it as I was with the dress but it was still beautiful. I did something that most people dont do. I was the one who styled my mothers hair. The lady asked me if I felt like I could do it because my dad asked me if I would do it to save $45. I told her that I was my mothers caregiver and I could. I remember them leading me into the room where my mother was. I didnt cry and talked to her the entire time I styled her hair. It was very sad to not be able to hear her talk back to me. It was sad how when I would rub her hair with my hand the coldness that I felt. I held it together though and not once felt like crying. I was doing something for my mother. Her funeral was beautiful and having everyone there who loved my mom felt so good. Sadly we all had someone who got on our nerves. Mine was my aunt who is 8 years older then me. She was making everything about her, everyone was crying but she had to be dramatic and run out of the room, that was just for the attention she wanted everyone to feel sorry for her. My grandparents rode wth my husband and me and she rode with my dad. The lady who sang at the funeral sang kind of like opera in the end of the song. My grandparents, and I talked and said we didnt like it but would never say anything to my dad because him and my mother both loved the ladies singing and so it was perfect. My aunt had the nerve to tell my dad the music was awful. I was mad that she would say something like that to my dad the day he is burrying his wife of 31 years. My dad had a lady that they had known for years getting on his nerves. He found out later that she had told his only living sister that she was suprised my mom had so many friends. It is hard because today is my brothers 29th birthday. Tomorrow it has been 2 weeks since we said goodbye to my mom. The 24th would have been my mother's 48th birthday, and the 28th would have been my parents 32 anniversarry. I still miss her so badly. I am getting ready to go back to work and it is hard because instead of going to my parents house to care for my mother I will be taking care of a stranger. I dont mind usually but after only having a month with her, it hurts. The thought of being a caregiver still made me sick to my stomach but it is what I have done for 6 years. I looked at the help wanted ads but nothing came up so I decided that it is best to just go ahead and do what I have always done. I just dont know still how to cope. It hurts so badly. I dread every holiday badly. I dont know how I am going to make it through this year or the rest of my life without having her to talk to. My dad and I was never really close but now we talk every single day. There is times that I am fine and then others I lose it. I just dont know how people survive this kind of loss. I know that eventually I will be ok but for now it doesnt feel like it. I am officially the only girl left, it was just my mother and me. I had 2 brothers and my dad then I got married and have 2 boys and my husband. I wish that my heart would feel better. I feel almost like a lost little child. This pain is the worst ever.

[Rms1977]

I read your story, then read it again. I can relate to you in so many ways! Including the crazy Aunt...my mama passed on September 18, 2012. I would love to talk to you more, and maybe be each others strength. I am 34, and I know how you feel about being so young, and losing her. I will chat more when I have time. I am praying for you!!!

[star2000]

Thank you! I would love to have someone to talk to and definetly can use all the prayers. I am sorry about your loss as well. Losing a parent is just the worst feeling in the world so im here if you want to talk as well.