i just don't understand.

[Sonni Letner]

I'm new to this, and although on December 23 it will be a year that my sister has been gone, I'm still having problems like I was when I watched her suffer. My sister Cierra was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer the day after we got back from Florida last year. As some of you may know Esophageal Cancer is usually found in people over the age of fifty, and also normally found in men. But my sister Cierra was 19 so it really came as a shock to us. After getting the news that my sister had cancer, she only lived five short months. It is mainly hard on me because she was the only sister I had. Thoughts like "I'll never be an aunt." "I'll never have that sister bond again." or "I'll never have just another simple argument with her." I know that things happen for a reason, and God has a purpose for everything, and though we may not understand, he knows exactly what he is doing. I just can't help but wonder what it would be like if she were here, or how I am going to live my life without her here. I'm only 16 and it just seems so unfair that I have to grow up without my big sister.

[josephtmacgregor]

Dear Sonni,

I am terribly sorry for your loss... I am not in the best of spirits to be replying right now, but I felt I needed to when I saw some of the details of your post. Six years ago I lost one of my "kid" brothers to brain cancer. He fought it for nearly two years, did the chemo and the surgeries and all of the typical stuff, which put him through hell and made it incredibly difficult to watch as he suffered and slipped away. He was very weak and was in a lot of pain. More than that he just was not himself. He had seizures and the location of the cancer in his brain affected his personality in a big way. He was a bachelor, so myself and our other siblings took care of him as best we could even though often it was from long distance. Anyway, he passed away also on December 23rd. Needless to say, the holidays are never the same again after something like that and I am so sorry to find another person on here who shares the pain of seeing that date on the calendar. I'm quite a bit older than you, so I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I am blessed that I had my brother in my life for 44 years though even that seemed too short. We were close friends and he has a young son surviving him, who misses him. That is hard to see, too, but it is another blessing, to be an uncle to his child and help to keep his memory alive to his son.

As another post on this site says, "Cancer sucks." That's it. I know the shock and the pain and the sadness and the anger and all of it...it is not fair, and that is the hardest thing to accept. I don't know if anyone can ever accept it; at least for me, it's been 6 years, and I haven't accepted it. But it is good that you are young and are already aware that you need to talk about the loss of your sister. That was my big mistake- keeping it all inside for years and trying to just forget what happened. Let yourself experience all the feelings that come with grieving, the ups and downs, and dont be afraid to reach out to friends or to other family or even to try seeing a counselor. Grief counseling is something that has helped me a great deal over the past few months.

So, take care of yourself and again I am so sorry for your loss. None of this is easy (holidays and special dates are really not easy) but somehow we make it through.

Joe