Members paulaj Posted October 8, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 I was sick for a few weeks - nothing serious (allergies, sinus and ear infection) but enough to land me in bed. It seems as though getting sick is a potent trigger for my guilt. It's a reminder that I wasn't there for my husband's long illness which went undiagnosed. To make a long story short, he had a disease that effected his brain and he became a stranger overnight. My normally brilliant, gentle, sensitive husband turned into a monster and I had to get away from him. My PTSD kicked in overtime. When I am cornered, I will fight back. I said and did things, I didn't know I was capable of doing. This went on for seven years - together off and on. Then one day he turned bright yellow, was admitted to the hospital, surgery was performed and he died from complications. He was on a respirator for weeks. He died a horrible death. I let him down there too. We promised each other we would take measures to assure that didn't happen.When he was finally diagnosed, with tubes hanging out of him, he became more of his normal self and we reconciled. At least we had that. Throughout all this we still loved each other deeply, even though we could not be together. We planned on him coming out of the hospital and we would be together again. It's like having the worst of all possible worlds - a long term undiagnosed illness and a sudden death. And I'm part of the process. I might as well have killed him myself.Intellectually, I know it's not true. But feelings don't have to be rational. I'm not afraid to die. But after that, and a few other grisly deaths I've witnessed, I am concerned about how I'm going to get there. I support dying with dignity. Some days life is such a living hell, now wouldn't be soon enough. I'm really not needed. My son and his family live out of state and are doing well. Aside from my cousin, all friends and family are gone. What is the point of going on? It's been five years since he died...Mandala Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members naty0123 Posted October 8, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 Hello, u can not hold to guilt...I was not as patient with my husband as I could have been..I just think we get tired and we all reach breaking points not knpw ing the end will be here. We just have to patient with ourselves and take it day by day..I know that I loved my husband more than my own life and that it was ok for ke to fed up with the draw backs!! Hang in there and thank u for sharing..Without this website i would be a bigger mess.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members val Posted October 8, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 Dear Mandala, after reading your post, I thought again about our supportive conversations and the help you've provided me with in dealing with Jerry's death. We've talked several times. God has a plan for our lives and I believe it is through this journey of grief that we will find it. I am reading a good book by Melody Beattie, called The Grief Club. There is a chapter devoted to guilt after death, how it is part of the normal grieving process and what to do with it, how to handle it. I'd recommend it. Also, it may just be that your recent illnesses have let you feeling down and out when you wrote this. I pray you feel better soon and God Bless You. Val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted October 8, 2012 Moderators Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 hi, very sorry you're feeling this way.....I'm glad at least that you know deep down that you aren't being rational or fair to yourself, so I hope this "wave" passes very soon. I am glad you reconciled though. And as stated (and I suspect you know), guilt is very common, nearly a given, in grief. Lord knows I have my share and it's torn me up more than a few times. I guess we have to remember not only that we are human, but so were our loved ones. They didn't do everything right, though we're tempted to tell ourselves that, I guess in some attempt to honor their memory. Hang in there - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members paulaj Posted October 9, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 I wanted to thank everybody for their support. I feel much better today. Val, I think you hit on it when you mentioned illness. It does take a while to spring (or should I say limp?) back. I've been feeling like knucklewalker. Everybody had something helpful to say.Thank all of you,Mandala Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MJP Posted October 9, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Thank you for sharing Mandala.And thank you Val for the Grief Club suggestion. I'm on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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