Members paulaj Posted October 8, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 I was sick for a few weeks - nothing serious (allergies, sinus and ear infection) but enough to land me in bed. It seems as though getting sick is a potent trigger for my guilt. It's a reminder that I wasn't there for my husband's long illness which went undiagnosed. To make a long story short, he had a disease that effected his brain and he became a stranger overnight. My normally brilliant, gentle, sensitive husband turned into a monster and I had to get away from him. My PTSD kicked in overtime. When I am cornered, I will fight back. I said and did things, I didn't know I was capable of doing. This went on for seven years - together off and on. Then one day he turned bright yellow, was admitted to the hospital, surgery was performed and he died from complications. He was on a respirator for weeks. He died a horrible death. I let him down there too. We promised each other we would take measures to assure that didn't happen.When he was finally diagnosed, with tubes hanging out of him, he became more of his normal self and we reconciled. At least we had that. Throughout all this we still loved each other deeply, even though we could not be together. We planned on him coming out of the hospital and we would be together again. It's like having the worst of all possible worlds - a long term undiagnosed illness and a sudden death. And I'm part of the process. I might as well have killed him myself.Intellectually, I know it's not true. But feelings don't have to be rational. I'm not afraid to die. But after that, and a few other grisly deaths I've witnessed, I am concerned about how I'm going to get there. I support dying with dignity. Some days life is such a living hell, now wouldn't be soon enough. I'm really not needed. My son and his family live out of state and are doing well. Aside from my cousin, all friends and family are gone. What is the point of going on? It's been five years since he died...Mandala Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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