i miss my brother.

[aliiiison]

My cousin committed suicide on November 10, 2010 at 27 years old. He wasn't just my cousin though, he was my big brother. I'm nine years younger than him, but every single childhood memory I have was tied to him in some way, and I just can't believe he's gone.

He had drug problems and felt that it would be easier on the family if he was gone. It's definitely not and I don't even know what to do.

I feel like I'm losing him even more now. The first days and months were so hard, but they were supposed to be. Nobody ever tells you that it gets so much worse in some ways. I'll sit around and try to remember little things about him, what he would say a certain situation, how his voice sounded, and I can hardly remember some days. He is slipping even further away and I have no way to stop it.

I try and be the strong one in my family. He has a ten year old daughter and I don't want this to be any harder on her than it has to be already. He was always the calm one who brought everyone together and kept us sane. I'm always trying to bring up funny memories of him, but when I'm alone all I can think about is him alone at the end.

I was so angry and sad when it first happened that I couldn't even read the note he left. I was so angry that people who shouldn't have an opportunity to read it were, and for some reason it made me not want it at all. But now, it's all I can think about. I know the gist of it, but I need to see the whole thing. It's been a year and eleven months though, and it seems way too late to ask about it or bring it up at all.

I think about him every single day, but I feel like some days I'm not sad enough if that makes sense? Like I'm so busy that I just think factually oh he's gone but I can't even cry. And then other days I can hardly breathe I miss him so much.

I'm just so sad most of the time and when I feel happy, I realize that he's not here and I can't even stand that I'm happy.

God, this is such a rant but whatever. I just needed to let it out.

[Alexander Risten]

My cousin committed suicide on November 10, 2010 at 27 years old. He wasn't just my cousin though, he was my big brother. I'm nine years younger than him, but every single childhood memory I have was tied to him in some way, and I just can't believe he's gone.

I am so sorry for your loss. Proverbs 18:24 states "A man who has friendsmust himself be friendly. But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." For me the last part of this verse is important as it implies that you can have a friend that means more than a brother. He wasn't just your cousin...

He had drug problems and felt that it would be easier on the family if he was gone. It's definitely not and I don't even know what to do.

I feel like I'm losing him even more now. The first days and months were so hard, but they were supposed to be. Nobody ever tells you that it gets so much worse in some ways. I'll sit around and try to remember little things about him, what he would say a certain situation, how his voice sounded, and I can hardly remember some days. He is slipping even further away and I have no way to stop it.

I try and be the strong one in my family. He has a ten year old daughter and I don't want this to be any harder on her than it has to be already. He was always the calm one who brought everyone together and kept us sane. I'm always trying to bring up funny memories of him, but when I'm alone all I can think about is him alone at the end.

It is good to remember the good times. It will help you cope with his death. You are blessed to have good memories of him. Kevin Arnold once said: “Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”

I was so angry and sad when it first happened that I couldn't even read the note he left. I was so angry that people who shouldn't have an opportunity to read it were, and for some reason it made me not want it at all. But now, it's all I can think about. I know the gist of it, but I need to see the whole thing. It's been a year and eleven months though, and it seems way too late to ask about it or bring it up at all.

I think about him every single day, but I feel like some days I'm not sad enough if that makes sense? Like I'm so busy that I just think factually oh he's gone but I can't even cry. And then other days I can hardly breathe I miss him so much.

I'm just so sad most of the time and when I feel happy, I realize that he's not here and I can't even stand that I'm happy.

God, this is such a rant but whatever. I just needed to let it out.

Anger is normal and ranting also On this forum you are allowed to rant. Do not feel bad when you experience periods of happiness. I believe he will never hold that against you. Instead, I am quite sure that he would prefer you to be happy. The way you describe him in your post gives me this idea. If it is impossible to see the letter he wrote, try to rather focus on what he meant to you instead of the choice he made and why he made it. The way you describe your experience is normal grieving behaviour. Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions and there is no plan or linear progression through your pain. I hope you find peace at the end of your journey, but please feel free to rant. We are hear to listen to each other and carry one another in times of hurt.