Members val Posted October 5, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Well, it has been three months to the date, July 5 2012, that I found my husband Jerry had died in his sleep. Over these three months, I have learned alot. I have learned alot especially since I got the Final Death Cert. just last Friday. It made me sick. Jerry died from what is called CDI, combined drug intoxication. His sister is married to a pathologist who reviewed the whole autopsy report and tox screens. He had two times the level of his antidepressant in his system and one times the level of his morphine in his system. All prescribed of course. So now I know exactly what caused his death.. a combination that night of the two drugs. It just makes me sick. It was ruled an accident on the death cert. Either he forgot what he took , was in a lot of emotional and physical pain...i just don't know. I"ll never know what really happened that night because i'll never have him here to talk to again. I keep calling on him as my Angel. The other thing contributing to my overwhelming feelings right now: i noticed marked on the death cert. the question about military? it was checked "no". Jerry always maintained to me that he had served his country. I don't get it. and it hurts. Why would my baby feel the need to misrepresent the truth to me his best friend, lover and soulmate. I asked his sister yesterday if jer was ever in the service and she said "why no". Did he think I was so dumb i'd not find out? My head is overwhelmed with pain and confusion at the moment. i am not sure i can go into work like this, although i have been working again full time. If anyone can provide some supportive words or insight I would certainly appreciate it I feel at a loss this morning.... val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 5, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Hi Val,My heart goes out to you. Grieving is a difficult and emotional period. It becomes really complicated when you start wondering about the truth of your relationship with the deceased. I do not know why Jerry told you he was in the military. Perhaps he always dreamed of being in the military. I do not know how long you were married or knew each other, but it does appear as if he were really struggling with emotional problems. Morphine is prescribed only in certain situations so I suspect he also had intense pain. It is good to acknowledge that you are confused and hurt, but try to remember what he meant to you. If he was a good husband, forgive him. Perhaps it was just a little thing he said to make him feel better about himself. I would like to talk to you about this a bit more, so please tell me more about your relationship. May the Lord be with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members val Posted October 5, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Dear Alex,my relationship with Jerry began 10-11 years ago; we met where we worked, in AZ at the time. He was from Laguna Beach CA and always to go back there. We lived in PA when he died july 5 2012, but i had some of his ashes sent to his sister in CA and have the rest here. He got back home whiich is what he always wanted. He really didn't like PA but we moved back here for two reasons - one, my elderly parents still live here and two - we were drinking, both of us in AZ. when we moved back here, we stopped drinking. it had become a problem in our lives. i am sober five + years ; he was sober for about 8. We regularly attended AA meetings together. He supported me when i relapsed, several times, and supported me through multiple rehabs here in PA. Needless to say, he wasn't happy about my relapses, BUT HER SUPPORTED ME AND LOVED ME THROUGH THEM. for that he has my eternal gratitude. so, we were very close, best friends, lovers, and soulmates. We lived in one small apt. and then started renting our home, which is my sanctuary, 4 years ago. Jerry was never the kind to look at other women or belittle me. he was kind, generous to a fault and loving. and you are right, i do forgive him. he struggled with depression and a really bad back. his MRI is pages long. that's why the morphine. he saw his pain mgmt. doc once a month. he was always good with his meds.-taking them on time. I hope this information provides a deeper look into our relationship. I just am m issing him so badly today. Thanks for listening...val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 5, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Dear Alex,my relationship with Jerry began 10-11 years ago; we met where we worked, in AZ at the time. He was from Laguna Beach CA and always to go back there. We lived in PA when he died july 5 2012, but i had some of his ashes sent to his sister in CA and have the rest here. He got back home whiich is what he always wanted. He really didn't like PA but we moved back here for two reasons - one, my elderly parents still live here and two - we were drinking, both of us in AZ. when we moved back here, we stopped drinking. it had become a problem in our lives. i am sober five + years ; he was sober for about 8. We regularly attended AA meetings together. He supported me when i relapsed, several times, and supported me through multiple rehabs here in PA. Needless to say, he wasn't happy about my relapses, BUT HER SUPPORTED ME AND LOVED ME THROUGH THEM. for that he has my eternal gratitude. so, we were very close, best friends, lovers, and soulmates. We lived in one small apt. and then started renting our home, which is my sanctuary, 4 years ago. Jerry was never the kind to look at other women or belittle me. he was kind, generous to a fault and loving. and you are right, i do forgive him. he struggled with depression and a really bad back. his MRI is pages long. that's why the morphine. he saw his pain mgmt. doc once a month. he was always good with his meds.-taking them on time. I hope this information provides a deeper look into our relationship. I just am m issing him so badly today. Thanks for listening...valThanks for allowing me into your life. I pray that you will be able to move through the pain.When I read your letter I see a good man. I will never know why he told you he was in the military, but I would not concern myself too much with this if I were you. Rather focus on your good memories with him. Are you speaking to a counselor, psychologist or minister about your pain? It does help to find someone you can trust. Also, what are you actively doing to handle the grief? Grief is normal, but as humans we must actively work with the grief to grow and heal. Let me know and I can perhaps give you some ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 5boysdad1 Posted October 6, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2012 Hi Val,It has been six months today since I lost my wife under similar circumstances. She was in a lot pain and taking a lot of prescribed medications, took a pill that one of freinds gave here which did not mix well with her prescribed meds... No more mommy.. Since her death, I have too learned that she was not honest about some things. That does hurt, but like you, i choose to focus on the wonderful memories that we made together as well as the five blessings she left me.Thoughts and prayers.Bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members val Posted October 6, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 6, 2012 thank you bob, alex and all who responded to my post, - bob, we have a lot in common don't we? but i am taking a cue from you and focusing on the wonderful memories i have with jerry. thank you all for your insights shared. i felt betrayed initially but am working through it. with the help of all the support i get here. thank you all, i love and miss jerry every day! hugs, val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jane A Posted October 7, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2012 Hello Val and Bob:I just read your message thread on this topic. Val, I hope yesterday passed peacefully for you and that today has been much better. I notice that with both of your losses you are concerned about the lying and the possible reasons for it. Can I suggest that this is pretty normal in most relationships?My husband had no drug issues but I know that he lied to me regularly. (I know this for sure, not just because I knew him, but I also knew his older brother, who was a friend of mine and the one who introduced us.) But I also know why he did. His older brother told me that he always wanted to be a hero figure to his younger brother, and also wanted to protect his older brother who was bullied as a child. As a result of that, he wound up playing the hero to them, and tried to coninue that role with me. His lying was usually fairly benign (like telling me he had caught a very large fish but let it go because we wouldn't have eaten it anyway), or telling me he had "looked all over" for a birthday gift that I had wanted to get my daughter for her birthday but all the stores had sold out so he had bought something else, yet when I would take a lunch hour to look for it the next day I would find it in several closebuy strores, and it was clear that he hadn't even looked. Whenever I caught him out on these things he would always have some sort of silly "reason" (i.e. for the birthday gift he might say he really didn't like it but hadn't wanted to tell me that, so he figured as long as he came home with something like whatever it was I had asked him to get that I would be happy and he wouldn't get into an argument if he just said the store was sold out.At any rate, I finally just gave up believing in anything he said and just pretty much just accepted that it might be true and it might not, but that it was his problem and I wouldn't make it mine. He'd tell his stories to others and then say something like "isn't that so?" to which my response would be "if you say so, dear". As I say, in my husband's case he wanted to be better than he was which led him to lie. It could have been the same or similar with your partners. I now console myself with the thought that his lying was only because he wanted to play the hero to me and that he loved me and that none of his lies were designed to hurt me, but instead intended to make me proud of him!I have had a number of my married or widowed friends tell me similar stories of the silly things their husbands have said or done in order, in their mind, to prove themselves and/or their love, so try not to think of it. Val, he may indeed have wanted to be a war hero in your mind.Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members val Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 7, 2012 Dear Jane:Thank you for your response to my post; thank all of you who have responded. I'm coming to terms with his lie about being in the military through your support. I agree. Jerry always wanted to be my big supportive husband. In reality, Jerry was my height and we could wear each others jeans! He'd regularly check out his biceps in the mirror (which did look pretty damn good by the way -all those years of hefting steel where he worked)!He wanted me to feel safe he always said and protected. So I think that's why he did it and on that i will rest my mind. Heck, who wouldn't want to be strong and protective? What woman doesn't want to be the best for her man? (yes honey and I baked it myself! for instance)....Anyway, after several days to chew on this in my mind, i think i'm okay with it. I went to library yesterday and pulled three good books out on grieving too. Now, if I'd found out he was having an affair, I'd be a mess. But this is benign compared to that. And I know my Jerry was always faithful to me.For that I am blessed. So, feeling more at peace today and God Bless All. Val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 8, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 Dear Jane:Thank you for your response to my post; thank all of you who have responded. I'm coming to terms with his lie about being in the military through your support. I agree. Jerry always wanted to be my big supportive husband. In reality, Jerry was my height and we could wear each others jeans! He'd regularly check out his biceps in the mirror (which did look pretty damn good by the way -all those years of hefting steel where he worked)!He wanted me to feel safe he always said and protected. So I think that's why he did it and on that i will rest my mind. Heck, who wouldn't want to be strong and protective? What woman doesn't want to be the best for her man? (yes honey and I baked it myself! for instance)....Anyway, after several days to chew on this in my mind, i think i'm okay with it. I went to library yesterday and pulled three good books out on grieving too. Now, if I'd found out he was having an affair, I'd be a mess. But this is benign compared to that. And I know my Jerry was always faithful to me.For that I am blessed. So, feeling more at peace today and God Bless All. Val Glad to hear you are more at peace, Val! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted October 8, 2012 Moderators Report Share Posted October 8, 2012 val, yes, as you said the military thing is rather minor in the grand scheme. Glad you're doing better and coming to terms with this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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