He's gone...

[MJP]

I was in a relationship for 3 years, which ended 3 years ago. It was a tough relationship. Codependency..He was an addict. I stood by him and i lost myself. It ended badly and i took me 2 years and lots of work to heal some of the pain. I have not been in a relationship since though. I still have major trust issues. And only recently did i start beleiving i could love someone else one day.

Regardless of both our issues, we had a deep connection. A soulmate kind of thing. He was one in a million dispite his disease. He turned my world upside down and shook me to the core.

There are many unresloved issues. He got help after we broke up and last time i spoke to him a year ago, he was still in recovery and doing well. I wrote him to ask for forgiveness for not being able to let him go when he needed me to. I had nothing but love for him. I felt free. I did not expect anything. I thought i was healed.

However, us talking again quickly turned painful, so he asked me not to contact him again. He would not adress the issues i brought up.

He did that a lot. Some of my resentment came back...

For me...a lot of uncertainty, doubt, unanswered questions, resentment, anger, guilt, love, longing, envy....pain. Emotional hell. Ugly stuff.

He got better, i got crazier. He left me behind. Abandonement. There is still a part of me that hates that he moved on and got better without me.

As ive said, ive worked through a lot with my self help books and constantly seaking to better myself and heal without closure. I could not rely on him for closure. Ive come a long way.

Ive been feeling off lately, for about 2 months. Enough compulsive eating to worry me, general feelings of loneliness that will not ease up even though i have used every tool i have earned. Ive felt annoyed ive had started thinking of him more and more, and not always good thoughts.Ive started seeing my therapist again 2 weeks ago, after 2 years. I had no desire to speak to him, but something bothered me enough and i googled him. And found an obituary! He died 2 months ago. He is gone!

I dont know what happened to him. His mother will not respond to my email.

I have so many conflicting emotions right now. I feel so alone in all this.

My soulmate died and nobody told me. I dont know what happened him. He is gone. It is final. I still have some resentment left. I feel horribly guilty. I feel so ugly.

[paulaj]

Dear MJP,

Anybody who loves an addict will become crazy. And it's not your fault. I hate the term codependency - at what point does a loving caring person become *codependent?* It implies pathology. Isn't a death certificate a public record? If so, you can get a copy.

I'm so sorry,

Mandala

[MJP]

I dont like psycho-pop terms either, but it was easier and faster than explaining the complexity of my love not being totally free and unconditional. I focused on him not to focus on myself. I tried to save him so he could save me. Stupid patterns. My dad was an alcoholic (who never quit) All unconsciously, of course. I did love him. Very much so.

Death certificates are not public in the country he lived in, from what i gather. Perhaps for a large fee...An option to consider as last resort, but id rather learn to move on regardless if i know how he died or not. I know it seems sooooo obvious why he died, but he was indeed doing well, clean and sober for years, and had a lot of great things going for him last time we spoke.

I dont even know why i need to know so badly...

[blondannas]

Dear MJP, I am so sorry for your loss and the circumstances of your sorrow. May I suggest that you contact Al-anon or Nar-anon to help you to deal with his disease. Anyone who is in a relationship with an addict suffers dearly without the help of others in the same boat. The truth that he has died and you are left with your feelings and resentments is very sad and painful for you. Either of the "anon' programs would be able to help you to deal with your issues with his disease.

I have some experience in the area having been sober for many years. I hope that you try this solution because we can be very poisonous people to be around when we are not clean and sober.

[MJP]

Hello Blondannas

Alanon saved my butt 3 years ago. I didn't really get into it while i was in a relationship with him, because it was all about him and his recovery. I didn't care about myself much. Thought i could tough it out, hold his hand while he was struggling...and he'd get better.

When he got better and i didn't, he chose to exclude me from his new life. That's when i lost my shiz and crawled to a meeting.

I have done weekly meetings (or more) for about a year and a half, had a sponsor. Then i did a 4th step workshop twice.

Then i followed other paths that seemed to help me, mostly reading self help books by myself.

Since the news of his death, i have taken some Alanon literature out of the bookshelf and read chapters that fit my current situation. It helps. I have thought about going to a meeting, mostly because his mother's and one of his friends ive contacted to know what happened to me have not replied. I find the silence violent and a friend suggested i do a meeting because these people seem to act like people who have been affected by a disease and can't treat me right. Maybe meetings will help me not take it personal and help with the anger i feel....