Justins Mom - New

[justinlsmom]

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. I lost my son 2 months ago today, August 4, 2012. He was out with friends, went to bed and didnt wake up, we were away on holidays when this happened and we got a call when we were 6 hours from home. I was waiting to text my son, Justin, once we crossed back over the canada/us border to let him know we were coming home a day early and to make sure the house was straightened up, of course I never got to make that call/text as we received the horrible news prior to this. It was the longest 6 hours of our lives trying to get home to him. I don't know how my husband kept it together but he did, I know I was certainly no use to anybody, I was in total shock. It has been a very hard couple of months, the fact that I am even functioning at this point is an absolute surprise to me and most people around me, I thought I would still be a puddle in the middle of my son's bed, but I'm not, I don't know exactly how the human mind works but it is amazing. Don't get me wrong, I have my bad bad bad days, and then others days I can smile and joke and laugh about the things Justin did and I talk to him all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean all the time, he always said "Mom, you talk to much" , well my belief is he can hear me still and he is smiling and saying the same thing to me. I have a daughter who is 16 years old, and she is helping her Dad and I get through this, she talks about Justin all the time, she tells us stories about him that we didnt know. Justin was 19 years old by the way, 2 weeks before his 20th birthday he passed. We celebrated his birthday with balloons, supper, cake and we sang him Happy Birthday, there were alot of tears shed but it was cathartic. I believe what is getting us through this is the fact that as a family we are all okay with talking about him all the time, we can bring him up any time and we all chime in, our friends are the same way, they know its okay to talk about him. The problem with the majority of the people is they don;t want to mention him because they are afraid it will remind us and make us cry, well, guess what, we don't need reminding, he is always on our minds, sometimes at the back of our minds while we are with family or friends etc, but always, always on our minds. People need to understand that when we lose a child, we lose a part of ourselves, we will never be the same people we were, and to help us become this new person we will be, we need to work through our grief and we need the time to talk and laugh about our loved one's. We need to hear stories, good or bad. We need to know that he/she made a difference to everyone else's life he was in and by sharing and talking to us, we know he did. I apologize for my rambling, I have so much to say and I am having an okay day today, I feel him with me all of the time, he is smiling and shaking his head at the stupid/silly things I am doing (milk in the cupboard) not remembering if I have shampoo or conditioner in my hair, all the silly things that you have all experienced as well, we are all just going through the motions at this point, but hopefully some day we can except our loss and live a good life and bring our loved ones along with us. I do belive healing/moving on does not mean forgetting or leaving them behind they will ALWAYS be a part of us and our lives, as we change and grow they will be there supporting us and every once in a while, if we watch carefully, sending us a little something to let us know "They got us", they are watching out for us. Until my son passed I never really thought about these little signs I have heard about, my mom is a firm believer, however since Justin passed I have asked him for a few things, a butterfly, help his sister have a good day, a song on a radio, and I get them, I know some people are not there yet, but I get great joy out of going to the cemetery and asking for a butterfly and getting it is an amazing feelng, I have gotten one even in the rain and cold weather. It fills your heart with excitement and joy and it makes you feel like hey, he is there and he is hearing me. As I am writing this, I am amazed at how I am feeling right this moment, a week ago I was a puddle on the floor and maybe tomorrow I will be again, but right now, right this minute I can see that I am getting stronger and I am happy about this, I tell/ask Justin everyday to help me be strong and it seems to be working. I want to thank you for reading my rambling, I am so glad I found this site. I want to say to each and everyone of you Mom's and Dad's , sisters, brothers, Grandma's, Grandpa's, Aunt's, Uncle's, Cousin's, I am truly sorry that you have to go down this horrible path in life, this is the worse thing we will ever experience! Please remember we need to learn something from our childs death, I don't know what it is for me yet, I am still waiting but I know I need to be a better, stronger person then I was, I don't want to come away from this a bitter angry person, my son was a very happy, smily, laughing young man, with lots of friends, he made friends whereever he went and I know he would hate for me to turn into a bitter person and that is what keeps me from snapping at stupid things people say/do, or inconsideration some of my friends and family have shown us and I tell my husband the same(he is angry for the most part) these people are not worth the energy it takes to be angry, use that energy on remembering our baby and spending time with our daughter!! Once again I apologize for rambling, maybe Justin was right "I do talk to much" Please be kind to yourselves and others, remember you will get stronger and you will get through this and you will be with your loved again when it is your time!! Take care!! Patty

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#2 alexander.risten@gmail.com

[BreathofAngel]

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum.

Very warm Welcome, dear (((((((Patty)))))))!

I lost my son 2 months ago today, August 4, 2012. He was out with friends, went to bed and didnt wake up, we were away on holidays when this happened and we got a call when we were 6 hours from home. I was waiting to text my son, Justin, once we crossed back over the canada/us border to let him know we were coming home a day early and to make sure the house was straightened up, of course I never got to make that call/text as we received the horrible news prior to this. It was the longest 6 hours of our lives trying to get home to him. I don't know how my husband kept it together but he did, I know I was certainly no use to anybody, I was in total shock. It has been a very hard couple of months, the fact that I am even functioning at this point is an absolute surprise to me and most people around me, I thought I would still be a puddle in the middle of my son's bed, but I'm not, I don't know exactly how the human mind works but it is amazing.

I am very sorry for the physical loss of your beloved son, Patty. I know it is particularly difficult to imagine a son or daughter being gone since a parent normally assumes that it is they who will be the ones to go first but when it happens in reverse it is particularly hard to bear. I offer my sincere condolences to you and your family.

And you are correct in that It's all in the mind! The mind can be a wonderful asset or it can become a liability, depending on how it is used and treated. If one can discipline themselves to think positively, the mind can truly be a great friend because it will follow that thought! Conversely, if one chooses to embrace the negative side of things, the mind will also work to bring that about as expeditiously as possible. So, one must always be on guard on how they think as they can quickly bring those thoughts, either positive or negative, to fruition.

Don't get me wrong, I have my bad bad bad days, and then others days I can smile and joke and laugh about the things Justin did and I talk to him all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean all the time, he always said "Mom, you talk to much" , well my belief is he can hear me still and he is smiling and saying the same thing to me. I have a daughter who is 16 years old, and she is helping her Dad and I get through this, she talks about Justin all the time, she tells us stories about him that we didnt know. Justin was 19 years old by the way, 2 weeks before his 20th birthday he passed. We celebrated his birthday with balloons, supper, cake and we sang him Happy Birthday, there were alot of tears shed but it was cathartic.

It is good that you can experience good days amid your bad ones. It is also good that you continue to talk to your Justin in spirit as he will both see and hear you. There are many people who continue to speak with their loved ones in spirit (including those with doctorates!) and it has brought a great degree of comfort to them. And Justin is smiling at you when he comes to visit and sees you doing certain things!

How wonderful that you gave Justin his 20th birthday party! No doubt he was right there along side all of you! And as you celebrated, he celebrated his Earthly birthday also. It is often said that those in spirit retain their full memory, personality, demeanor, and many other things that even though they have entered into the spirit world, those things cannot be erased. I too always celebrate a loved one's special occassion days. I buy appropriate cards and then read them aloud and place them by their picture. To date, the cards are many and I can intuitively sense that the cards and messages contained therein have been well received!

I believe what is getting us through this is the fact that as a family we are all okay with talking about him all the time, we can bring him up any time and we all chime in, our friends are the same way, they know its okay to talk about him. The problem with the majority of the people is they don;t want to mention him because they are afraid it will remind us and make us cry, well, guess what, we don't need reminding, he is always on our minds, sometimes at the back of our minds while we are with family or friends etc, but always, always on our minds. People need to understand that when we lose a child, we lose a part of ourselves, we will never be the same people we were, and to help us become this new person we will be, we need to work through our grief and we need the time to talk and laugh about our loved one's. We need to hear stories, good or bad. We need to know that he/she made a difference to everyone else's life he was in and by sharing and talking to us, we know he did.

I completely agree with what you've said! It makes good sense. People indeed do need to talk about their loved ones and often! It is very "soul-comforting" to do so. Not everyone realizes that many people prefer to talk about their loved ones especially with those who knew them, therefore, they will not take offense to such conversations. Engaging in such discourse can bring a person a greater degree of comfort.

I apologize for my rambling, I have so much to say and I am having an okay day today, I feel him with me all of the time, he is smiling and shaking his head at the stupid/silly things I am doing (milk in the cupboard) not remembering if I have shampoo or conditioner in my hair, all the silly things that you have all experienced as well, we are all just going through the motions at this point, but hopefully some day we can except our loss and live a good life and bring our loved ones along with us. I do belive healing/moving on does not mean forgetting or leaving them behind they will ALWAYS be a part of us and our lives, as we change and grow they will be there supporting us and every once in a while, if we watch carefully, sending us a little something to let us know "They got us", they are watching out for us. Until my son passed I never really thought about these little signs I have heard about, my mom is a firm believer, however since Justin passed I have asked him for a few things, a butterfly, help his sister have a good day, a song on a radio, and I get them, I know some people are not there yet, but I get great joy out of going to the cemetery and asking for a butterfly and getting it is an amazing feelng, I have gotten one even in the rain and cold weather. It fills your heart with excitement and joy and it makes you feel like hey, he is there and he is hearing me.

Please do not consider it rambling. It is getting something important off your chest and we are great listeners in this forum! And of course you feel Justin around you because he is! Those in spirit can communicate with us through various means and often come to visit us. The reason many cannot see or hear them is that they have changed their general vibrational rate. It is much higher now compared with that of those incarnate which accounts for why we cannot see or hear them as before, nevertheless, they are still here with us!

I am so glad that God has allowed Justin to communicate with you through the butterflies and other ways that he has. God does not want for us to suffer anymore than we have to and will allow those in spirit to come to us at times to bring us comfort and joy!

As I am writing this, I am amazed at how I am feeling right this moment, a week ago I was a puddle on the floor and maybe tomorrow I will be again, but right now, right this minute I can see that I am getting stronger and I am happy about this, I tell/ask Justin everyday to help me be strong and it seems to be working.

That is truly wonderful! I am so glad you are feeling Stronger and pray that you always will, dear Patty! And as you can see, Justin IS helping you to become Stronger! His energy can be felt by you and you are able to integrate that energy into your being to help make you stronger.

Since you are new here, you may wish to know that we have a special section for ADCs and related things! If you scroll downward, at the main page, you will see a section that reads:

SPIRITUAL/RELIGIOUS BELIEFS (as the main topic)

and the subtopic: ADCs, Visions & Dreams

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/forum/28-adcs-visions-dreams/

Here's my special invitation to that section that contains much more information and comforting words from those who have experienced similar things and I often write on Afterlife matters there as well.

I want to thank you for reading my rambling, I am so glad I found this site. I want to say to each and everyone of you Mom's and Dad's , sisters, brothers, Grandma's, Grandpa's, Aunt's, Uncle's, Cousin's, I am truly sorry that you have to go down this horrible path in life, this is the worse thing we will ever experience! Please remember we need to learn something from our childs death, I don't know what it is for me yet, I am still waiting but I know I need to be a better, stronger person then I was, I don't want to come away from this a bitter angry person, my son was a very happy, smily, laughing young man, with lots of friends, he made friends whereever he went and I know he would hate for me to turn into a bitter person and that is what keeps me from snapping at stupid things people say/do, or inconsideration some of my friends and family have shown us and I tell my husband the same(he is angry for the most part) these people are not worth the energy it takes to be angry, use that energy on remembering our baby and spending time with our daughter!! Once again I apologize for rambling, maybe Justin was right "I do talk to much" Please be kind to yourselves and others, remember you will get stronger and you will get through this and you will be with your loved again when it is your time!! Take care!! Patty

We are so glad you found us also! Please feel free to continue to share your story with us as you feel led!

I am also so glad that you have chosen to embrace Strength and Hope rather than anger and bitterness as many people do under the circumstances. They do not know the utter harm they are doing to themselves in the process! But I think many are angry and embittered because they tend to blame themselves for the loss of a dear one and the fact that they cannot do anything about it at this time. That is understandable to a point, but when they become overly obsessed by their anger it becomes a whole new ball of wax and it is not productive either to them or to those around them who have to experience that anger from them. They need to learn to refrain from that kind of negativity and gravitate towards that which is Positive and Helpful in their life!

And just as you say that the energy that angry people expend is better used to remember the great and wonderful times they had with their loved ones, many could learn from your fine example! If they could only grasp that brilliant thought and integrate it into their thinking process, how wonderful they would truly feel and make others around them feel as well!

The great thing about this is that we WILL rejoin our loved ones at our appointed time. What a great celebration that will be! But in the meantime, we need to continue on our individual life path and move forward to be all that we can be!

May God bless you and may you and your family be blessed by receiving much Strength and continued ADCs from Justin! Please pray for him often. It will help him on his continued spiritual path and his further elevation into God's light.

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#2alexander.risten@gmail.com

[Alexander Risten]

Please remember we need to learn something from our childs death, I don't know what it is for me yet, I am still waiting but I know I need to be a better, stronger person then I was, I don't want to come away from this a bitter angry person, my son was a very happy, smily, laughing young man, with lots of friends, he made friends whereever he went and I know he would hate for me to turn into a bitter person and that is what keeps me from snapping at stupid things people say/do, or inconsideration some of my friends and family have shown us and I tell my husband the same(he is angry for the most part) these people are not worth the energy it takes to be angry, use that energy on remembering our baby and spending time with our daughter!! Once again I apologize for rambling, maybe Justin was right "I do talk to much" Please be kind to yourselves and others, remember you will get stronger and you will get through this and you will be with your loved again when it is your time!! Take care!! Patty

i am so sorry for your loss. May the Lord heal you and your family.

One part of your piece caught my attention (the part quoted above). It is so true that we sometimes come away stronger after a loss. As Norman Cousins said, “Man is not imprisoned by habit. Great changes in him can be wrought by crisis – once that crisis is recognized and understood.” May you and your family grow stronger despite your loss.