I lost my Mama-bestfriend on 9-18-2012

[Rms1977]

I am 34 years old, with 3 kids of my own. However, I was always Mamas baby. Mama was in a car accident in 1996, which lead to multiple surgeries, leaving her legally disabled. (she could still walk, function, live alone..) Since all I her surgeries, she was prescribed pain meds, and muscle relaxers. This is my sad story:

For the past 11 years, I have felt as if my Mama had already left me. Here in presence, gone in reality. I am the baby of the family, an always lived by her, taking care of her. It killed me to see her pills take over her life. I witnessed things I cannot, and will not ever talk about. It broke my heart, as addiction is an evil thing. I was so angry, yet sympathetic, as I knew if she didn't have them, she was in severe pain. But her body was so "used" to them, they no longer worked, so she would take more, and more, until she dwindled away. Mama was only 52 years old, when she slipped into a coma on life support, for 28 days. We were then told she was brain dead. I could not function! I never left her side! I begged, pleaded, made deals with God "please, I need more time" the day we were to pull the plug, she woke up! She was not brain dead at all!

For the next 6 years, I begged Mama, "let's get you help for this pain- and help for the addiction". She refused. Our relationship was no longer the tight, bestfriend relationship it once was. I had watched this for 11 yrs, my kids witnessing- me watching her die! I was so angry, hurt, torn, pissed! Yet, I still loved, and would have died for my Mama.

On July 5th, 2012 she had her kidney removed. I brought her home with me for 3.5 weeks, and cared for her. Like the past, it KILLED me to see how "high" she would get, and fall, burn herself, etc. I had words with her, and told her "Either you let me have your pills, and I'll give them to you on a schedule, or you cannot stay here. I cannot love you to your DEATH!!" she agreed...

I rehabilitated her, and took her back home on August 16,2012.

I got the call at Midnight, on Sunday, September 16,2012, she was in the hospital. Nothing major, just a small bowel obstruction. My first thought, pain pills- as they constipated you. My sister and I got up on Monday and drove to the hospital a state away (2 hrs). When we got there, she was talking- and just sai her stomach hurt. The hospital she was at was not doing a thing for her (we tried getting a nurse in her room for three hours, no one came) so we decided it was time to bring her "home" to her hometown, where her 3 kids lived. We explained to her she needed to live near us, so we can take care of her. She agreed, FINALLY! We drove the 2 hours to the hospital in our hometown.

As we are signing her in, her head hit my chest. This Is where all goes wrong. Because I had seen mom do that so many times on her pills, I knew NOTHING was wrong ;( I said "sis, she's fine, it's her pills"!!! I was WRONG AND I WILL NEVER forgive myself! Next thing you know, they run with her. I am confused? I didn't know she wasn't okay? They throw her on a cold table, strip her clothes, she's 75 lbs of skin and. bones, and start shocking her! Her stomach was as swollen as a 9mth pregnant woman's ;( I scream, my sister screams, we hit the floor. She is purple- the images I seen I cannot block out. I feel so guilty, I clent save her ;(

They tell us they have her on the vent , but she's completely brain dead- gone. No one believed them, because we were told the same thing 6 yrs earlier. But I knew! No one saw her like we did- and Mama was gone this time ;( On Tuesday, September 18,2012 at 8:12am, I went to the nurse to sign to turn off the vent. Her family was blaming me "you're killing her"...the nurse looked at me and said "get back in there now!!!" I held her hand, kissed er forehead- told her I love you, and she passed on her own at 814am. It was like she knew I was going to deal for te rest of my life, wondering if I killed her, so she went by herself.

I feel as if someone ripped the very heart from my chest. I am angry,hurt,lost,confused,guilty..because te last few yrs with her addiction wasn't the best for us ;( I want her back!!! Her birthday is October 17, se would have been 59 young. This is so unfair. Are my feelings normal? I cannot stop crying!

[BreathofAngel]

Dearheart Rms,

First of all I want for you to know that I am very sorry for the physical passing of your dear Mother. Such occurrence cannot be anything but very difficult. Based upon what you have said about your Mom being so sick and you speaking with God and then your Mom making a miraculous come-back, that can only prove the Power of God in her life and yours! I know for that you are very thankful.

Life has its extreme mysteries as well as limitations for everyone. We never know what is to happen from one moment to the next when a person's time has come to make their transition. It is immensely hard to bear and something that makes words difficult to bring complete comfort to those who mourn their loss. The important thing to do now is to forgive yourself for feeling that you may have had anything to do with this because so many others feel that way too, under the circumstances, and must now start to heal. However, when it is time for God to take back one of His own, it is done in an instant. And there cannot be anyone to blame for it when it happens naturally as in your dear Mom's case.

And you should not be made to feel that your Mom would have wanted you to deal with the matter of her passing for the rest of your life as you say, simply because she had to know deep in her heart that you were always there for her and loved her, dearheart! A Mother always intuitively understands those things. You surely also understand those things since you are a Mom also and undoubtedly a wonderful one at that! Your Mom was certainly still young. However, God makes no mistakes when calling forth one of His children back home. And yes, this appears to be so unfair but your feelings are completely normal and in line with what so many others are feeling, experiencing, and undergoing right now. Again, I am so sorry that things had to happen as they did but you must remember that as close as you were to your Mom she would want for you to be happy, not to waste your precious time and energy wondering about whether you had anything to do with this. That way of thinking is only a product of desiring and wishing that you could have done more, yet the reality of the situation is that once things got to this level there was nothing you could have done as all was now in God's hands. God was not to bring complete physical healing this time around for reasons unknown to us but not to Him. He did bring her healing however, as He took her home to a wonderful place that is beyond suffering, pain, and consternation. She is in His embrace and light at the moment and you need not fear.

May God bless you and your wonderful family and bring you the peace and understanding that you are most deserving of. Please know that we are here for you and anytime you want to talk further on this we are as close as your keyboard!

I send you a Big (((((((HUG))))))) for being such a caring daughter who loved her Mother more than many others do. For that you should be commended! There can be no doubt that your children are very proud of you, as well they should. And remember that Love Never Dies! That love and closeness that existed before shall always exist even as your Mom is no longer in physical body. Love is eternal and Love as beautiful as what you have with your Mom shall surely never cease to be!

[Alexander Risten]

Dear RMS1977,

Your story touched me deeply. And to answer your question "are my feelings normal?" - Yes, they are. All the emotions you are experiencing is part and parcel of the grieving process. Grief is a universal experience and every human being experience it at some point. The sad part is that we are usually not prepared for the emotional impact of grief in our lives. I suspect that is what happened to you, and that is why you are so confused by your feelings.

When we are given the responsibility to look after our own family, especially our parents, we cannot help feeling responsible for them. When they die we sometimes feel responsible or guilty for not doing more. Signing off on the vent is the hardest thing you could ever do, but after reading and rereading your post I feel that you had no real choice in the matter and you did the right thing. I pray that God will give you peace on that matter.

In counselling we speak of anticipatory grief. This is when we start grieving for a loved one even before that person died. Although your mother did not have a terminal illness, I suspect that you have experienced anticipatory grief. We usually do not realize we are experiencing grief until the person dies, and then it simply floods us. I think that is why you are struggling so hard. I would advise you to try and learn more about grief and anticipatory grief, and look for a counselor in your area with whom you can speak openly. Good luck and may God surround you in your grief.

[Rms1977]

Dear RMS1977,

Your story touched me deeply. And to answer your question "are my feelings normal?" - Yes, they are. All the emotions you are experiencing is part and parcel of the grieving process. Grief is a universal experience and every human being experience it at some point. The sad part is that we are usually not prepared for the emotional impact of grief in our lives. I suspect that is what happened to you, and that is why you are so confused by your feelings.

When we are given the responsibility to look after our own family, especially our parents, we cannot help feeling responsible for them. When they die we sometimes feel responsible or guilty for not doing more. Signing off on the vent is the hardest thing you could ever do, but after reading and rereading your post I feel that you had no real choice in the matter and you did the right thing. I pray that God will give you peace on that matter.

In counselling we speak of anticipatory grief. This is when we start grieving for a loved one even before that person died. Although your mother did not have a terminal illness, I suspect that you have experienced anticipatory grief. We usually do not realize we are experiencing grief until the person dies, and then it simply floods us. I think that is why you are struggling so hard. I would advise you to try and learn more about grief and anticipatory grief, and look for a counselor in your area with whom you can speak openly. Good luck and may God surround you in your grief.

Thank You for taking the time to write back to me. You're right, I have felt grief for a long time, even before she left us. I remember saying for the past few years, "Mom left me a long time ago". I couldn't handle seeing the things the pills were doing to her. I was the ONLY one out of us 3 kids, who took care of her. Even moving my family in with her, to care for her. On more than one occassion, I would walk in, to find the coffee table on top of her, cigarette burns all over her body, and her lying there passed out on the floor. I would see her head hit her soup bowl....My kids witnessed this at very young ages, and I knew it was not a healthy thing for them.

Mom had asked me 5 days before she passed, if she could move in with me again. Because we wanted her home (2 hrs away), it was my dream come true. However, after discussing this with my fiance', he stated it was not a good idea. Weeks earlier, while taking care of her for her kidney surgery, she had been high the whole time. My daughter was scared to death, as she fell off of my deck at midnight (after I already tucked her in bed---as I had to work the next morning), and was bleeding badly. My worst nightmare came true. I find myself HATING my fiance' for telling me she couldn't live with us!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what a parent does, you are not SUPPOSED to turn your backs on them! And I didn't...i was still there for her, just couldn't subject my child to that everyday. I just cannot imagine what Mom thought when I had to tell her she couldn't stay with us. She wasn't homeless, as my sister was going to let her move in with her, for the first time ever. My sister has no children in the home, and is unmarried, so she could handle the addiction better....and I felt it was her "turn", as she has NEVER been there for mom.

I FEEL GUILTY! I abandoned her!!! This pain is so surreal, I am so unsure how I will survive this.

[Rms1977]

Dearheart Rms,

First of all I want for you to know that I am very sorry for the physical passing of your dear Mother. Such occurrence cannot be anything but very difficult. Based upon what you have said about your Mom being so sick and you speaking with God and then your Mom making a miraculous come-back, that can only prove the Power of God in her life and yours! I know for that you are very thankful.

Life has its extreme mysteries as well as limitations for everyone. We never know what is to happen from one moment to the next when a person's time has come to make their transition. Like I said, it is immensely hard to bear with that and no words can ever bring complete comfort to those who mourn their loss. The important thing to do now is to forgive yourself for feeling that you may have had anything to do with this because so many others feel that way too, under the circumstances, and must now start to heal. However, when it is time for God to take back one of His own, it is done in an instant. And there cannot be anyone to blame for it when it happens naturally as in your dear Mom's case.

And you should not be made to feel that your Mom would have wanted you to deal with the matter of her passing for the rest of your life as you say, simply because she had to know deep in her heart that you were always there for her and loved her, dearheart! A Mother always intuitively understands those things. You surely also understand those things since you are a Mom also and undoubtedly a wonderful one at that! Your Mom was certainly still young. However, God makes no mistakes when calling forth one of His children back home. And yes, this appears to be so unfair but your feelings are completely normal and in line with what so many others are feeling, experiencing, and undergoing right now. Again, I am so sorry that things had to happen as they did but you must remember that as close as you were to your Mom she would want for you to be happy, not to waste your precious time and energy wondering about whether you had anything to do with this. That way of thinking is only a product of desiring and wishing that you could have done more, yet the reality of the situation is that once things got to this level there was nothing you could have done as all was now in God's hands. God was not to bring complete physical healing this time around for reasons unknown to us but not to Him. He did bring her healing however, as He took her home to a wonderful place that is beyond suffering, pain, and consternation. She is in His embrace and light at the moment and you need not fear.

May God bless you and your wonderful family and bring you the peace and understanding that you are most deserving of. Please know that we are here for you and anytime you want to talk further on this we are as close as your keyboard!

I send you a Big (((((((HUG))))))) for being such a caring daughter who loved her Mother more than many others do. For that you should be commended! There can be no doubt that your children are very proud of you, as well they should. And remember that Love Never Dies! That love and closeness that existed before shall always exist even as your Mom is no longer in physical body. Love is eternal and Love as beautiful as what you have with your Mom shall surely never cease to be!

Thank you very much. I certainly hope that my children are proud of me. I hope that I can be a better mother to them in the near future, as lately, all I do is cry. I know this hurts them imensely.

[Alexander Risten]

I find myself HATING my fiance' for telling me she couldn't live with us!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what a parent does, you are not SUPPOSED to turn your backs on them! And I didn't...i was still there for her, just couldn't subject my child to that everyday. I just cannot imagine what Mom thought when I had to tell her she couldn't stay with us. She wasn't homeless, as my sister was going to let her move in with her, for the first time ever. My sister has no children in the home, and is unmarried, so she could handle the addiction better....and I felt it was her "turn", as she has NEVER been there for mom.

I FEEL GUILTY! I abandoned her!!! This pain is so surreal, I am so unsure how I will survive this.

To abandon someone is to leave them completely. If I understand your post correctly, you did not abandon your mother. Certain aspects made her living with you a problem. You were still there for her in every other sense. Do not hate your fiance. Even you did not know how close your mother was to dying when you went to the hospital. It was not your fault in any way. And, as you said yourself, your mother's situation where bad for your kids.

You were there for her. You tried moving her "home" to get her proper care. That is not abandonment. You did not fail her in any way. You said it yourself... her addiction caused a lot of damage. When she was admitted to hospital you were their as soon as possible. That is not abandonment. You cared, and you cared a lot. Try to move past the guilt. I know it is easy for me to speak. Try to forgive yourself and your fiance. Do not allow this to damage your relationship. Good luck to you.

[BreathofAngel]

Thank you very much. I certainly hope that my children are proud of me. I hope that I can be a better mother to them in the near future, as lately, all I do is cry. I know this hurts them imensely.

Dearest Rms 1977, I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering. I know each person is different and so is the length of time of their grieving period. But I have no doubt that your children are extremely proud of you! How could they not be when they can plainly see how close you were to their Grandmother and the love and attention you gave to her. Due to such a fine example of love, trying to be a better Mother, imho, would merely consist of just continuing to be with your children, loving them, supporting them, and nurturing them during their formative years as well as beyond.

I know when a child sees his or her Mother cry, it can affect them deeply as well. I remember going to the hospital one time to visit someone dear who was a patient and I saw a family visiting a loved one also. While a relative was talking to the Mother who was an amputee and who was crying, I saw one of the little girls, obviously a daughter of hers, go to a couch nearby and silently cry with tears running down her cheeks. She was obviously very affected by what she was seeing. The little girl however, did not allow anyone in the family to see her cry. So yes, this does affect a child. However, your children also have to realize the degree of love that exists between you and your Mother and that it is the continuation of that love that brings you to tears not being able to see your dear Mother in physical body now.

Just being near your children can be like a balm unto their soul. When they see that their Mother is there for them and hugs them and shows them love and support, that is what a child can react to most positively when the chips are down!

May God bless you and continue to protect you and lift you above the suffering that you are currently undergoing. And your dearest Mother is still with you! You can speak aloud to her and say whatever you wish to her. She will hear you and it could help bring you some added comfort.

(((((((Hugs to you))))))), dear Rms, who has such a loving heart!

[Missing My Mom!]

I too lost my Mom-bestfriend on 9-18-2012, and my situation is so similiar to yours. This is the first time I have been on this site, and to come across your story, I am in tears! I am 32, and have 3 children. I am so sorry for your loss. Hopefully the words of others here will help.

[Rms1977]

Oh my goodness! I am 34, with 3 children! I'm so sorry we are going through our loss!