Members katren Posted October 3, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I rang a friend today we were all friends for many years, I rang to say I was back from my trip but got a very cool reception. Has anyone else found because they are now on their own that your married friends shy away from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted October 3, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 I'm not a widow... but I do remember my own Mom's experience after my father died. She made the same statement. I found that as time passed she made a circle of friends that were mostly widows. They did a lot together and had some really good times. I think that other woman may now find you a threat, or feel uncomfortable as they have found the dynamics have changed. You are now single and available. And I have to say if someone is not particularly happily married they may also feel a bit of resentment at your new found freedom. Even though it is very heartwrenching...they have not experienced it. So they do not understand. Others simply shy away because they simply are at a loss as to how to comfort you. They now see you in a different light. Frequently it is necessary to begin to make new friends. That is not necessarily a bad thing. A true friend will stand by your side through thick and thin. Unfortunately, this is the time to find out who is loyal. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted October 3, 2012 Moderators Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 http://forums.grieving.com/index.php/topic/2497-caregivers-do-you-feel-familyfriends-have-abandoned-you/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 4, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 I rang a friend today we were all friends for many years, I rang to say I was back from my trip but got a very cool reception. Has anyone else found because they are now on their own that your married friends shy away from you.Yes, I have heard the same story multiple times in my life. I work in the church setting and I once had the opportunity to ask a few members about this. A male member of our congregation died a few years ago and the widow reported to me in one counselling session that she was experiencing a "coolness" from various other married females in our congregation. In the past they were always friendly and supportive to her, but the last few weeks were suddenly different. With her permission I contacted three of these women and ask them bluntly why? Their response actually shocked me. They were scared that the widow, since being alone now, were going to target other women's husbands. Although this was totally unfounded, it caused the change in behavior. We were lucky to have the opportunity to get together and sit around a table to clear the air. The friendships recovered and some even grew stronger. I cannot say that this is what happened in your case, but I just wanted to share that you are not alone in this. Good luck and I hope that their behavior towards you changes again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stargazer5510 Posted October 4, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 I rang a friend today we were all friends for many years, I rang to say I was back from my trip but got a very cool reception. Has anyone else found because they are now on their own that your married friends shy away from you.When my husband passed away, everyone came out of the woodwork offering help. I'm disabled and my husband died suddenly. But the reality has turned out to be quite different. Grieving has been really tough because I can't go out or distract myself the way normally abled people can. I hate whining, but I don't know how to keep this inside any more.Big hugs. It's tough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members acourter Posted October 4, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2012 I am so sorry about the response from you friend. I wish I could say that this was an isolated happening, but I have experienced the same thing and have talked to others who have shared the same. It's like once your spouse is gone, you cease to exist or are too difficult to be around.After my husband's death, friends also disappeared. I was told several things: We can't stand to see you so unhappy, it makes us too sad to be around you. We don't know what to do with you since you are in such pain. Every time we see you, we remember that your husband is dead. It's just too hard on us. Here's one I REALLY loved........I don't like the way my husband looks at you now!Nothing we can do will change how they react. Guess this is a hard way to learn who your true friends are. I have decided not to respond by saying, "I sure want to be around when your spouse dies and see if you feel differently about the way you treated me." It's too bad our society does not have a healthier way of looking at and feeling about death.PeaceAnne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted October 5, 2012 Moderators Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 I have decided not to respond by saying, "I sure want to be around when your spouse dies and see if you feel differently about the way you treated me."I haven't said that either. But wow have I been tempted to say that or similar. And sure thought that or similar many times. It's too bad our society does not have a healthier way of looking at and feeling about death. To put it mildly. The better we get at cheating it, the worse we get at dealing with it. You can thank our increasingly shallow/spineless society. God forbid people actually deal with an unpleasant or uncomfortable situation. No, let's hide from it instead. Gee thanks.This topic has had me spitting nails more than a few times. I'm sorry any of you have to experience it, but as others have said, at least know it isn't you, it's them. And shame on them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 5, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 This topic has had me spitting nails more than a few times. I'm sorry any of you have to experience it, but as others have said, at least know it isn't you, it's them. And shame on them.Keep spitting those nails here... this is the reason for the forum: to give you a soundboard. At least speaking about your true feelings is part of the healing process Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members val Posted October 5, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 This 'turn away' I have experienced too. My husband passed july 5 2012, three months today. i had a Memorial/ gathering for him aug. 18. there were plenty there who said 'they'd be there, just call' ... now i can't even get a return facebook message from them. spit nails - I understand your reaction. There are a few that have hung in there with me... and for that i am blessed. I hope the situation changes for you. For me, it digs up old abandonment fears. Keep posting; this is a great place to share and get support. Val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Alexander Risten Posted October 5, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 Keep posting; this is a great place to share and get support. ValWith all the dangers of the internet, I must say it does offer some real benefits. This is especially true for people in pain. Thanks for this forum where people can really help one another Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.