My first child

[AnaZ]

I didn't know I was pregnant until I miscarried. Looking back now, I knew SOMETHING was different. I felt physically different. Vibrant. I fell down some stairs going to my car in the parking lot at work. I landed pretty hard on my stomach and face and ended up with a cracked elbow trying to catch myself. At the Dr's office I was having really bad cramps. When I went to the bathroom, I passed my baby. I must've been a couple of months along because he/she was about the size of a golf ball. I asked the nurses for help, but they told me the dr was ready to see me and asked if I was going to the room or not. I was young and scared and just ended up flushing him/her because no one would help me. I didn't tell anyone for years. I convinced myself there was no reason to be upset because I didn't know I was pregnant until the miscarriage and I blocked it out for a long time.

I have not been able to have children since and I'm afraid that it will be too late soon. I have since had 2 more miscarriages that my aunt who is a nurse told me were probably both within the first couple of weeks of conception due to the symptoms I described. My baby would have been 10 this year. I think about him alot. I believe he would have been a boy because his father had two other children who were both boys. But you never know. He would have blond curly hair like his brothers and bright blue eyes. It didn't work out with the guy I was seeing and I never told him about the pregnancy. My mother says I never told her until this year, but I know I told her. She just forgets alot of things. I don't really know what to do about this. Since I have come out of denial, I have not been able to fully grieve and move on. I keep thinking if I finally have a baby, I can start to heal. But that hasn't happened and I'm scared it will be too late soon.

[Vijayabanu]

Hi anaz!! Don't blame yr self for what u dint know.....even I hv a secret guilt...when I missed my periods back in 1984... It was 35 days... I went for cycling and as soon as I came back from cycling I had my periods... I have not told anyone abt it..atleast till now..I keep thinking would it have been pregnancy... Would it be a boy or girl...would he or she be like me or my husband.... By the way, Did u consult a gynecologist? Don't lose hope...u ll have one if u r destined to have one... I ll pray for u when i go to sleep tonight..take care...here I m having lost my younger child who was 20 years who drowned in a lake on 16-6-2012..

[AnaZ]

Thank you. You are very kind. I am very sorry for your loss. You have my full support. Bless you.

[Angel'sSon]

I didn't know I was pregnant until I miscarried. Looking back now, I knew SOMETHING was different. I felt physically different. Vibrant. I fell down some stairs going to my car in the parking lot at work. I landed pretty hard on my stomach and face and ended up with a cracked elbow trying to catch myself. At the Dr's office I was having really bad cramps. When I went to the bathroom, I passed my baby. I must've been a couple of months along because he/she was about the size of a golf ball. I asked the nurses for help, but they told me the dr was ready to see me and asked if I was going to the room or not. I was young and scared and just ended up flushing him/her because no one would help me. I didn't tell anyone for years. I convinced myself there was no reason to be upset because I didn't know I was pregnant until the miscarriage and I blocked it out for a long time.

I have not been able to have children since and I'm afraid that it will be too late soon. I have since had 2 more miscarriages that my aunt who is a nurse told me were probably both within the first couple of weeks of conception due to the symptoms I described. My baby would have been 10 this year. I think about him alot. I believe he would have been a boy because his father had two other children who were both boys. But you never know. He would have blond curly hair like his brothers and bright blue eyes. It didn't work out with the guy I was seeing and I never told him about the pregnancy. My mother says I never told her until this year, but I know I told her. She just forgets alot of things. I don't really know what to do about this. Since I have come out of denial, I have not been able to fully grieve and move on. I keep thinking if I finally have a baby, I can start to heal. But that hasn't happened and I'm scared it will be too late soon.

AnaZ, Try not to blame yourself. We are here to help each other. My son passed away August 15th, 1012. He was 30 yrs.old. and my best friend. I wonder if there's something that I could have done!!! My son shot himself in the head and no one knows why. How this could happen without a clue, no one knows. I live in a daze and I'm angry. I just want answers that I will never have. I miss my son sooo bad and it's not getting easier. I love him and I miss him saying, I love you mom!!! 11 days after he passed away, I lost it and was taken to the mental part of the hospital where I stayed for 5 days. That didn't help me at all. I keep writing on here because I know we have all lost a loved one. Just keep writing!!!!

[thejennyjacobs]

I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. http://thejennyjacobs.com/2012/10/04/why/

[Redium]

I read this topic.You are a very kind person.I am very sorry for your loss.Dont worry I am with you.God bless you for another gain.

__________

babysitters nj

[hospicevolunteer]

Dearest AnaZ,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had something really profound to say that would make all your tears and the heartbreak go away.

Sadly however, I don't. I offer you my sincere sympathy and compassion. Your experiences of loss are among those that oftentimes are hard for people to talk about and sadly, they may be ignored almost and/or dismissed. That can be heartbreaking in itself: your little ones, full term or not - are your little Angels and therefore missed and mourned just as much.

I commend you on finding the courage and the strength to share your journey with the members of this forum and ultimately yourself and your precious little Angels.

Forgive me if it sounds strange to say "sharing with yourself" but in a way that is what you are doing: when we share experiences with each other, especially those that have impacted us profoundly - and we find a safe haven to do so (such as this forum) it may be incredibly healing and comforting to all involved. By healing, I do not mean the proverbial "get over it" but I mean the subtle kind of healing that comes with the ah-ah moments of life - the connections between let's say the 'little things" experienced that perhaps didn't seem relevant at the time or perhaps they were suppressed as well as the not-at-all-little things.

When you share with others, and others share with you...I see that as looking into a "complimenting two-way mirror" - you know that the other person is someone else...yet there are a lot of similarities and oftentimes, through sharing, you may see that some things are added - and perhaps the reflection you are looking at looks more and more familiar - and the person you are sharing with may perhaps experience the same through growth by ways of compassionate understanding. Oftentimes even hearing "I had that too!" may really really be of comfort in itself. One should never compare experiences, but I do genuinely believe that acknowledgement from sharing firsthand experiences may be very comforting to many. Who knows, in sharing your story you may already have helped someone else who read your post (mirror!) and sighed perhaps in recognition - "I am not the only one experiencing this..."

If you feel that your baby was a boy...talk to him if that feels comfortable to do. There are many ways of communicating, so you could do so at any given occasion. You could give him a name and acknowledge him, acknowledge yourself, and your circumstances. Do something special on his Angelversary no matter how big or small - you'll know what is appropriate when that day approaches. I mention sharing with your precious Angels because I believe that the essence of loved ones who passed away is with us, always. I hope you don't find that offensive - I mean well...

You mention your mother. She may have forgotten as you mentioned that she forget's a lot. She may also have suppressed what you shared with her: oftentimes loved ones such as parents and/or grandparents may have enormous difficulty with handling their own grief. What may happen is that they experience a sacred grief of their own: the grief of (in experiences such as yours) not being able to somehow have spared their loved one (you) from such profound loss/grief. Because "technically" that is their "job".

I truly wish that you may find comfort along your journey and as said: I do commend you for finding the courage to share your story. I hope that you are aware of the fact that ALL of your emotions mentioned are absolutely validated and normal - they really are, and the fact that you are here - places you on the path to healing in itself. My heart is with you.

Many Blessings,

Francisca

Midwife2thesoul