How do I ever move forward?

[Silvergirl61]

I miss him so much! I can't think sometimes, my heart hurts, I can't breathe. I don't eat. I can't sleep. I try to run away, and go someplace else, then I want to run back home, only it isn't home when I get here! I think I am going crazy, I really do. I can't concentrate, or read a book, or watch a show. I can't focus long enough to cook a meal. Nights are hell!

My family is trying so hard to hold me up, but I am supposed to be strong, and able to take care of things, but oh... I just can't remember how anymore! I tried to go back to my job, but i fell all apart, and I don't think I will ever figure out what to do again.

Dennis was my heart, and my life. He was everything I ever wanted. We could talk about anything. No matter how bad something was, he always was there, he could make it better, or make me laugh, or sing me a song, or just sit and hold and comfort me, and make all the pain go away. He was my very best friend, and my friend long before my lover, and my husband. He was there for me when my life fell apart, and he has always been there...until now. Now I don't think I will ever feel better again, I really don't.

He was 48 years old on August 22. He was a former Navy man, a Gulf War vet. He was a machinist then, nd later. He was also a lead singer and guitarist for a rock band. His last job was as a machine operator for a large food plant. Then he started to show signs of a heart problem in 2003...and by 2004, his job let him go, because they didn't think he could do all the extra things they always required him to do. As the years went by, he got less and less able to do things. About a year ago, he wasn't able to even walk across the house, without problems, like shortness of breath, and his legs going numb, and falling down. I tool him to his doctors. He told them his symptoms, they decided it was nerve damage, and they said his heart was strong, and that I was worrying needlessly. They didn't think he was disabled, I guess. It seemed like they thought he was faking it, trying to get something he didn't deserve. I had to force him to apply for any help, because I just couldn't make enough to take care of us. It hurt his pride so much, that he nearly took his life a few years ago, and they still didn't pay much attention to what I was trying to get them to see....

In the last few months, he talked a lot about how he felt with me. He had some really bad days, when he hurt a lot, and when he just wasn't too clear. I was frightened and begged him to let me take him somewhere else, to try and find another doctor who would listen, and maybe do something, or check something else...but he said no..his doctors were doing a good job of taking care of him, and that he might end up in a wheelchair, but that he believed them when they said his heart was doing fine.

I stayed home withhim for a couple days before his birthday, because I thought he was sick. He was so tired, and I made him call to get in to see his doctor again, he was irritated with me, said he was just tired. I went back to worjk on Wednsday, and on Thursday, he felt ok. When I got home from work on Friday night, he had made a spaghetti supper. He was also an awesome cook, and we made a deal, that since he wasn't able to get a job outside, he could do the house-husband thing, and it would be even. He didn't like it, and he didn't always feel good about it, but it worked for us, so it was fine.

I sat down, and we talked for awhile, catching up with each others day, and I noticed he was rubbing at the center of his chest. I asked if he was ok, and he said he thought maybe he'd sampled too much of the sauce, but he had taken one of the pills for his stomach, and he would be fine in a few minutes. He said he had another surprise for me, and got up to go get something from the room behind me. Then I heard him choke out my name, and I turned to see him starting to fall, and ran to catch him...and he looked like he was having a seizure..and then he just wentr limp..and still.

I called 911, and I tried so hard to do CPR, and I kept doing it, until the paramedics came, and they kept it up, and they tried to shock his heart back..and they took him to the hospital, and we tried to life-flight him, but the chopper couldn't take off, and then we sent him ground ambulance to the best cardiac care unit in the area...but it had been too long, and it was two days later, and we had to let him go......because there was no way to save him.

He had had a massive heart attack, and the procedure that he had had done several years ago to save his life, had caused a blockage in the veins and arteries to his legs..and the strain had been too hard on it..and somehow..the doctors he had been seeing had missed it.

It has been a nightmare of mix-ups and mess ups, and forms to fill out and typographical errors, and I don't know how I am ever going to get all the mess straightened out. I just don't know what to do, or where to start, because all I can do is cry, and shake, and forget where i put everything, and get the run around from all the places I need to gather information from..and sometimes I am so angry! Why did he have to die so very young? Four days past his 48th birthday- how can he be gone? We had so many things to do, so many plans, so much to talk about! How can all the time be gone..just like that?

Now all that's left is insurance companies that don't want to pay up their share, and a VA that doesn't want to meet their obligation, and nothing but red tape and bull----, and I just can't keep going in circles anymore. My job wants me to stay on leave until I "feel Better" and get some counseling..and I guess I have no choice..but I also have no way to pay my bills with little to no income. I guess I will have to put his things away...because I probably won't have any choice there, either.

Worst of all, I miss him so much, and I hurt so bad, that I really don't care what happens anymore. At my job, I stepped down to lessen my load,and gave up good pay to do it -but unfortunately, my employer has no conscience about using my skills way above my pay grade, and they don't care what happens to me, really, either. I am no longer around to be used.... I no longer have the desperation of taking care of a sick husband to hold over me..so I bet I won't be going back, in the long run. I guess 3 days is supposed to be all you need to get over losing your reason to go on living. Big companies are so nice about these things.

I cry, and I hurt, and I wish that i had done so many things differently! But we loved each other, and we were good together, and I don't regret one minute of our life together, so in a way, I guess I am lucky. I hope somehow, some way, that this isn't all there is, that we will be together again, in a better place, somday. My facebook page turned into a memorial site almost, but that's all I can think about, or do. I want him to be with me so bad....I just can't seem to let him go. I am so afraid I will forget all the things I loved about him, and I'm so afraid he'd be ashamed of me, sitting here, crying and being such a whiner. I'm so confused, and hurt, and lonely. Even though my adult daughter came back to stay with me for awhile..here I am, telling you all what I can't say to the family around me.

I first met him when we were both moderators for a bulletin board/chatroom fansite for a rock band we both loved. Somehow, talking to people in cyberspace just makes sense, in a strange way.

Thanks for listening to me moan and cry. I'll try to be there for some of you, and in a better way than this. Maybe somehow..we can all figure this stuff out together, or at least give each other someone to talk to. Take care. Silver

[Mdanielson4]

Silver,

I do know how you feel. I lost my love on May 16^th 2012. We use to live in Ralston, NE. I now live in Rockford, IL because of work. We had a house that we loved in Ralston and miss it terribly. Mary loved it. My heart aches and I feel empty inside too. I certainly wish I had answers for you. I try to focus on other things to help ease the pain but it doesn’t work. I try to help others so I get my mind off my problems but they are always waiting on me when I come home. Everyone says give it time. I hope they are right. I am here if you ever want to talk.

Mike

[lornes24]

I dont have any answers for you, I just wanted you to know that I can relate. I feel the same way about my life after my husband's death. None of it matters anymore. Sometimes I feel like he got the better deal, and I just got left with cleaning up the mess. He was everything I ever cared about, and now he is gone. Nothing. else. matters. Im so sorry you are dealing with such a difficult time. Prayers for you.

[rsmm123]

I am new to this form, I lost my husband 11/12/2012 , we were together for 29 years ,will the loneliness ever end? I hate it, I hate this whole thing it really sucks.

I thought I was doing really good all of a sudden I started crying through out the day and it feels like it the beginning all over again is this normal, I am afraid I will be like this the rest of my life.

Stacy

[Silvergirl61]

I talked with an attorney today, about all the craziness, and it helped quite a bit. I am not in such a panic-stricken state anymore, and he gave me a next step, and a way to begin to unravel the nightmare of red tape. If you are in a mess with things, and you are scared and confused, and you can't afford an attorney, or are afraid you can't- call your state's legal aid, and see if they can help you! Thank you so much for the suggestion..it doesn't fix everything, but a first step seems to make a difference.

[Alexander Risten]

I am new to this form, I lost my husband 11/12/2012 , we were together for 29 years ,will the loneliness ever end? I hate it, I hate this whole thing it really sucks.

I thought I was doing really good all of a sudden I started crying through out the day and it feels like it the beginning all over again is this normal, I am afraid I will be like this the rest of my life.

Stacy

Actually it never really passes, BUT as people we are very resilient and we learn to live very fulfilling lives in spite of this. Your sudden experience of starting to cry is normal. It is part of grieving and you need to allow yourself the time to grief. We tend to rush the grieving process, telling everyone that we are OK and that we are doing good. To tell the truth, we usually know that we are lying. We are not really doing good at all. We must learn to be honest about grief... it takes time and we need to have time to work through the huge amount of emotions we are struggling with. There is a lot of things you can do to help you channel your grief. In my newest book I offer a few idea and here are three ideas I share in my book:

1) start writing a journal, and if you do not know what to write simply write down how you feel. I simple "I feel lonely" on a page have a certain power. It is hard in the beginning, but it do get easier.

2) start paging through magazines and look for pictures that have some association with you beloved. Cut these pictures out and build a story board of your memories. It sounds simple, but it works. It can be anything that reminds you. Seeing a picture of a mountain could remind you of a recent holiday you shared. Seeing a photo of a cup of coffee could remind you of the coffee you shared every morning. Build a picture library of good memories will help you fill the gaps. Some will make you cry... it is good to cry. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your loved one.

3) Start a memory garden if possible. Create a spot in the garden to plant a tree or a shrub in memory of your beloved. Some create a nice little nook in the corner with a bench. This becomes their special spot to reminiscence on the past. You can also add to your garden on special occasions. Plant an extra tree, shrub, rosebush etc. every anniversary, birthday, or special occasion. In this way your memory keep growing with the years.

I hope this helps you. May God support and heal you.

[lawnranger]

Hello Silver, I lost my wife 8.27.2012. Su passed 2 weeks to the day of our 17th anniversary. I went back to work and after three days I could not do it. I worked on September 10th our anniversary thinking it would halp me get over the greif. It didn't I was in some much emotional pain that when I got home that night I took a hand full of her pain pills (synthtic morphine) lucky I ended up in the hospital. It could have been the end for me. I was my wife's caregiver for 5 years. She had so many problems. A bulging disk in her lower back in 2005, then lung cancer and all the cemo in 2011. Plus many hospital staysin between for other illnesses. Her last hospital stay lasted 3 weeks. We got home on a thursday evening. She felt tired and we went to bed at 7:00 or so. Then Friday she was up and cleaning as usual. I told her to take it easy, let me do it. She told me how bad she felt putting all the house work and stress on me. I really didn't mind. When you love someone you'll do anything for them. Then Saturday morning she sat up in bed and said I can't breath, talk to me I'm scard. I got her inhaler cause she had copd from the lung cancer. That didn't work. I could see the panic in her eyes. I told her I was calling 911. She said hurry. I went into the front room to call and open the door. I ran back into the bedroom and she was flat on her back in bed. I lifted her to ask if she was ok. Her head just floped backward. I freak but started cpr. When the doctors finally talked to me thay said her blood ph was messed up and she had no heart beat when the emt's arrived at our house. They got her heart going but she had no oxygen to her brain for 35 minutes. They told me she had perment brain damage and was not coming back. After being on the ventalator 5 days I told the doctor's it was time to turn it off. She would open her beautiful green eyes and look at me but she was not really there. I cried everytime she would open her eyes. But we both made a pack that if one of us were on it and no chance of coming out of it the othen would turn it off. So the doctor agreed. She lasted 2 days breathing on her own. Then she passed away. I felt so guilty turning it off, but we made that deal. I went thru shock, guilt, the gerif, anger at God, really didn't care about anything or anyone. I think she was watching over me when I took those pills. I had to goto the psychatric ward lock down for 6 days. Then 8 more days of out patient. That was when I got the most help. Group therapy help me alot. But I know about the pain, and how a home is not home without your spouse there. I miss talking about each others day. Most of all I really miss the hugs. They felt so good. When some one loves you you feel good. I know my parents love me and other family and friends but its not the same. I miss watching the same movies together over and over and laughing at the funny parts. I miss her touch, her smell. She always smelled so good. Her green eyes the red highlights in her hair. If you can find a greif group to join try it. It may help to talk with others about your loss. My pain is still with me, but I learned that I'm not alone. That life does go on, and I'm lucky to still be here. If you want to talk I'll be here. I just joined today to help myself get thru this and maybe help other get thru their own loss.....Steve

[Alexander Risten]

Hello Silver, I lost my wife 8.27.2012. Su passed 2 weeks to the day of our 17th anniversary. I went back to work and after three days I could not do it. I worked on September 10th our anniversary thinking it would halp me get over the greif. It didn't I was in some much emotional pain that when I got home that night I took a hand full of her pain pills (synthtic morphine) lucky I ended up in the hospital. It could have been the end for me. I was my wife's caregiver for 5 years. She had so many problems. A bulging disk in her lower back in 2005, then lung cancer and all the cemo in 2011. Plus many hospital staysin between for other illnesses. Her last hospital stay lasted 3 weeks. We got home on a thursday evening. She felt tired and we went to bed at 7:00 or so. Then Friday she was up and cleaning as usual. I told her to take it easy, let me do it. She told me how bad she felt putting all the house work and stress on me. I really didn't mind. When you love someone you'll do anything for them. Then Saturday morning she sat up in bed and said I can't breath, talk to me I'm scard. I got her inhaler cause she had copd from the lung cancer. That didn't work. I could see the panic in her eyes. I told her I was calling 911. She said hurry. I went into the front room to call and open the door. I ran back into the bedroom and she was flat on her back in bed. I lifted her to ask if she was ok. Her head just floped backward. I freak but started cpr. When the doctors finally talked to me thay said her blood ph was messed up and she had no heart beat when the emt's arrived at our house. They got her heart going but she had no oxygen to her brain for 35 minutes. They told me she had perment brain damage and was not coming back. After being on the ventalator 5 days I told the doctor's it was time to turn it off. She would open her beautiful green eyes and look at me but she was not really there. I cried everytime she would open her eyes. But we both made a pack that if one of us were on it and no chance of coming out of it the othen would turn it off. So the doctor agreed. She lasted 2 days breathing on her own. Then she passed away. I felt so guilty turning it off, but we made that deal. I went thru shock, guilt, the gerif, anger at God, really didn't care about anything or anyone. I think she was watching over me when I took those pills. I had to goto the psychatric ward lock down for 6 days. Then 8 more days of out patient. That was when I got the most help. Group therapy help me alot. But I know about the pain, and how a home is not home without your spouse there. I miss talking about each others day. Most of all I really miss the hugs. They felt so good. When some one loves you you feel good. I know my parents love me and other family and friends but its not the same. I miss watching the same movies together over and over and laughing at the funny parts. I miss her touch, her smell. She always smelled so good. Her green eyes the red highlights in her hair. If you can find a greif group to join try it. It may help to talk with others about your loss. My pain is still with me, but I learned that I'm not alone. That life does go on, and I'm lucky to still be here. If you want to talk I'll be here. I just joined today to help myself get thru this and maybe help other get thru their own loss.....Steve

Thank you for your story Steve. It is good to hear that you found help in group support. It is always good to talk to others who share your pain. I hope you find solace and peace.