My Mom, my best friend......can't believe she's gone

[Marmar1980]

My name is Marlo. I'm 32 years old, married, with 2 kids ages 10 and 12. Heres s little backstory first. My Moms Mom died from Alzheimers in the 90's. My Mom was terrified of getting Alzheimers, which we didnt figure out until she was already gone. In the last 5 years or so she has had some really scary memory problems. I think she assumed it was Alzheimer's, so she didnt push further when her doctor did nothing but prescribe sleeping pills. He thought it was her lack of sleep that was the problem. He has a history of being negligent to his patients, but that's a whole other story.

In early July my Mom had her wisdom teeth removed, so wasn't feeling well post surgery. She was given the usual pain meds afterwards. She has always had strong reactions to those meds, so she was lethargic, dizzy, and not herself. My Dad brought my Mom to her doctor and she was diagnosed with a simple bladder infection. So when she wasn't feeling normal for the next few days we assumed it was the bladder infection and the medication for her wisdom teeth removal causing the lethargy and dizziness. Unfortunately this was not the case.

On the morning of July 6, 2012 my Dad was unable to awaken my Mom, she was breathing but not conscious. He called 911 and she was rushed to their local hospital. Once there they did a CT and discovered a 6cm tumor in her brain. It was a benign meningioma on her brain stem. She was flown immediately to Mayo clinic. She had a drain placed in her head as she had hydrocephalus. She woke up that evening and was holding our hands and looking around but not speaking.

On July 10th she had a 10 hour surgery to remove the tumor from her brain. They removed 95% of the tumor but during the resection she suffered multiple devastating strokes. She did not ever really "wake" up. She was minimally conscious, not responding to her environment, not moving her limbs, nothing.

She was transferred to Bethesda Hospital in MN for rehab. My moms body was starting to fail her. Her shoulder was separating from the socket, she was having neuro storms, or misfires in her brain, causing pain. She made no real improvement, and after several weeks of this we made the painful decision to start comfort care only. She went to a beautiful hospice facility where we spent her last days with her, I even spent the night there with her and laid in the bed next to her. My Mom died at 10:02 pm on September 2nd 2012. Her hospice called me and my family at 9:55, saying she had another neuro storm, her eyes shot open(her eyes were not open the entire time at hospice), then the lights above her flickered. Her breathing was very shallow and sporadic, she was taking her final breaths.

I raced to the car, barely remembering where my purse was, couldnt find my cell phone or my clothes, I was in pajamas. We got there too late and she was already gone. I walked into her room and saw her laying peacefully in her bed, still, cold, and motionless. I broke down, hugged her and wouldn't let go. I think everyone in the facility could hear me sobbing. At least from what my sister said. My brother and sister are 9 and 12 years older than me, so I've always been treated like the baby. I was always the closest to my Mom, of my siblings. I called her every day, discussed basically everything with her, getting her opinions, and sharing details of my day.

I can't even begin to explain how much this hurts. I feel like a part of me has been ripped out of my body. My best friend died, and part of me died too. W buried my Mom on September 13th. Her wish was to be cremated and buried. I put my baby blanket in the vault with her. It seemed fitting, since i ws always considered the baby. From July 6th my whole family and I have been on. Roller coaster of "she will wake up, maybe she won't, she will, but what if she doesn't.". It's the most painful experience I've ever had in my life. My husband lost his Mom 8 years ago from a thoracic aortic aneurysm, and he has been tremendously supportive. But as much support as he gives me, I just want my Mommy back.

I miss her so much it hurts. Some info about me, I am clinically disabled. I have scoliosis, endometriosis, and I've had 20 surgeries for both, along with staph infections, bladder problems from the spinal surgeries causing nerve damage. I now have chronic pain every day because of my medical problems. But w's much pain s my medical stuff causes me, it's nothing compared to the pain of losing your Mom. I can't see into the future anymore, I can't see myself growing older, my kids growing older.

[karebear]

Marlo I am so sorry to hear about your loss. We have watched as 2 members of our family with ALS have lingered and forgotten everyone including themselves before finally passing away. It is a very difficult process to go through and my heart goes out to you and your family. I too lost one of my parents a few months ago and it is a constant struggle to go on. I also have 2 children, a son who is 15 and a daughter who is turning 12 this november. I know for myself that I am compelled to be the strong one for the kids and yet often feel it is a burden to have to be so strong for them when all I want to do is fall apart. Yet somehow the strength continues to come. What I do know is that it is important to be an example for them. They are watching us so closely as to how we deal with death that it is important not to give into total helplessness and despair, even if we want to. I think of my father telling my sister and I that we should watch carefully because he was going to teach us how to die well. Then he proceded to do that despite the fact that it was one of the hardest deaths they have seen at the hospital. My dad was so brave and kept his focus on his love for God and his family and told us this repeatedly for 12 hours with his last breaths. I didn't realize how much of how we deal with death is influenced by how we see our parents deal with the loss of their parents when we are younger and now how our children see us deal with the loss of our moms and dads. I haven't lost my mom yet, although she has had MS for 47 years and is struggling daily just to get around the house. She falls alot and I know that her life will not be a long one. I don't think I will ever be ready to lose her, just like you could never be ready to lose yours, and yet I know that just as my dad is no longer physically with me he will never be far from me, at times I feel like he is sitting right next to me. I hope you know your mom loves you even now and will never leave you. She is proud of you and will continue to be there for you to talk to even though she is no longer phyically beside you. Should you ever need to talk drop me a line.

Your friend

Karebear

[GuyRodgers]

My mother passed away in 2006. The last two years I've been working on a website so that I could honor her. I came up with www.deiningthedash.com which is a free online community where people can post tributes, memories, photos, videos and write the biography for our loved ones who have passed on. I hope this can help you as it has me.