Members cas1984 Posted September 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 i didnt even follow my rules< i didnt hug him goodbye goodnite' i was so tired jan 12 2012,,hadnt had sleep good sleep for 3 yrs! i was truly brain dead and now how i wish i spent the nite on the couch w my only God given child of 25 yrs but i didnt as at 5am i hear my son perfectly healthy now as of the past 69 days clean no pills as he was a hopeful addict of pain killers and muscle relaxers but that was his past 6 yrs done and the day before he was happy making plans for him his 4 yr old daughter his love of his life he adores her almost as much as i adore him' we just had a great day all day he taught me to drive a stick shift in his car he cherished left at 6 to make his class drug class then to his halfway house his choice i offerred him to probation out of here not wanting him around a bunch of ppl who are all fighting addiction, he calls me many many times but to everyones amazement i finally went to sleep early very but finally at midnite i answered half awake, he asked if he cud stay here 3 nites as he had 3 strikes for being lateB he got here early in the morning about 12 30 midnite my husband opened the door annoyed and got back in bedB at 5 am i heard my son making little wimper ow oww soundsB i dont know how my tv is always so loud but i immediately put 3s company on pause and asked if he was okB he replied he was perfectly fine and i love you mama" he said we wud talk in the morning, but realizing he had such a rough 2 months id let him sleep in but not until i asked my husband at 530 am b4 he went to work to check on him make sure hes breathing here and ok he came back in 10 mins later to kiss me goodbye so i cud sleep my 2 hrs b4 my 3 yr old wakes up at 830am he assured me my son was fine so at peace i was out till 9am, took care of the baby scolded him cleaned my room made some calls plans for the next 3 days i got to spend w cassidy so excited and not wanting to disturb him cus he was safe home and needed the sleep not forever! God not forever but when i got in my wheelchair as i have no cartillage in my hips wrist spine so i go in see him looking fine sheet up to his neck and in a deep sleep yet im playing w his warm feet regretting disturbing him and bribing him w food but he just sleptBBB so i went back to my room to let him sleep but as nearsighted as i am i realized something wasnt right his skin tone was yellowish so i went back in there and beganshaking him telling him what have you done this isnt funny where did u go what happened last nite oh God why didnt i talk to u last nite instead of selfishly sleeping just to wake at 3am till my husband assurred me cas was fine, what happened dont leave me! you begged me not to leave you but ur leaving me, i started to freak out crying starting cpr not knowing what the hell i was doing since my last cpr class was 1984! i tried hard to get a dial screen panicking w this new phone my son bought me the day before, my whole life started to fall apart bad things like suicide came to my thoughts after calling 911 and her telling me to get him off the couch for cpr i remembered the michael jackson case w dr conrad murry administering cpr on the bed and how upset i was for a dr not to know that, all these thoughts went thru my mind my baby boy lifeless no pulse paramedics there my cpr did nothing, my air cudnt even fill his lungs it just came back in my mouth,not enuf leverage for the compressions bcus i cant get on my knees that way for the compressions to make a difference, i save kittens w no mamas my whole life but cudnt save my own son! i gave up! i threw my body on his and cried i just gave up believing my thrust werent making a difference or my mouth to mouth, i knew in my heart my baby was gone forever paramedics wudnt let me watch they kept sending me to the bedroom w our 3 yr old who we believe in reality is my sons biological baby tho he has a 4 yr old looks just like his baby twin no dnas ever, bottom line he wasnt pronounced dead here even tho i kept asking we went to the hospital where we rode in separate vehicles and made us wait 2 hrs in the room where a dr finally comes in to say they did all medically possible and i asked to see him they said hes gone i told em hes my kid i want to see him,,,, that was the last i wud ever see my boy as is before the embalming and all they do to make a dead body seem normal! At his wake b4 his cremation all i wanted was to see that amazing smile those beautiful eyes open hear my favorite words u got me mama its going to be ok" hear " I love you Mama!" but never again it was over forever hes gone 8 months empty lost life seems so meaningless and all i can hear w no guarantee is its ok bunny hes not hurting anymore he wasnt hurting he loved life! or hes in a better place now no hes not he loved waking up here seeing his mama and our dog kayto my service dog,OR AT LEAST U STILL HAVE JOSEPH MY 3 YR OLD IVE HAD SINCE HE WAS 26 DAYS OLD,, ALL I DO IS CLEAN CRY LOOK AT PICTURES AND PRETEND IM FINE IN FRONT OF MY 3 YR OLD,I NEED TO KNOW CASSIDY IS OK HE KNOWS THO I GAVE UP I TRIED HES NOT AFRAID THAT HEAVEN IS REAL! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME,,,??MY FAITH MY PERSONALITY? I need my son! Im alive Im not living! I need to be needed!! I need my Cassidy he needs me The days as time goes by isnt getting easier at all Pls help me!Bunny Cordova Cassidy's Mama Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel'sSon Posted September 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 28, 2012 Bunny, My son left me 6 weeks ago at 30 yrs. old. He had everything going good for him. He shot himself in the head and I still ask...God why!!! My faith is no longer with me. You did everything you could for Cassidy. I'm lost to the fact of how could have not seen this coming with my son. He was my best friend and I didn't have any idea that he would do what he did. I'm in a nightmare that I want to end. You need Cassidy like I need my son. This seems so unreal.. It's soooooo hard to know our son's are gone. I have 2 girls who live out of the state and I can't even hardly talk to them. They say my life has to go on that my son is gone. Well, maybe he is gone, but I want him back. I fear this is going to be a long battle of remembering the good times with my son. They just won't come to my mind. I see him in that casket telling to please open his eyes. The funeral goes through my mind over and over. It's even a blur at times. I was suppose to go before any of my children. It's not fair, not at all. I long to hear the words, I love you mom!!!! Each day is getting worse for me!!! I hate waking up and thinking about my son every minute of each day. I write my thoughts on here, because I keep it all in my mind and I feel that someday I'm going to explode. When I lost my son on Aug. 15th, I lost it on Aug. 26th and ended up in the mental part of the hospital for 5 days. It didn't help me at all, if anything it made the pain worse. I know I'm rambling on and on and I don't know if I've even helped you out or what. Just know I'm here with you!!!! angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members val Posted September 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Bunny, i feel your searing pain as you wrote this post. My husband of 10 yrs. went to sleep forever as well, on the night of July 4 2012. I just had the coroner call me yesterday and he told me the official cause of death was combined drug intoxication., or CDI. I am shocked. I am heartbroken, i am angry, i feel at fault. what did he take that night? Jerry was only 58 yrs old. he was on pain meds and, flomax for his urine flow, but he i thought took them as prescribed. i just want him back. i feel i should've caught something wrong in the middle of the night and i could've saved him. i feel i should've seen a problem with overusage. i feel it may in someway be my fault. i know i am rambling here but i couldn't help but notice the title of your post. 'went to sleep forever'. I just wanted to write you so youi know you are not alone. i try taking it a day at a time, praying alot and using this website alot. it has helped. it is only 430 here on east coast, sleep eludes me right now, so here i am. I wish i knew more to say to bring you comfort; know you are not alone. i will pray for you, val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Vijayabanu Posted September 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Hi val... And Cassidys mama....everyone who has lost a dear one feel guilty for having said this...not having done this.... Whether some thing cld have saved the tragic incident.". I myself is feeling guilty for having postponed my trip to where my son was studying so that If only I had gone as planned earlier...I cld have been with him so that he wld not have gone boating in the night and drowned ... If only I continued my effort to call him till he answered my call...if only I put him in a college closer home... Guess I ll have to live with the pain and doubt till my day comes.... I m just taking one day at a time... I dint get to say bye to him..I dint get to hug him...... Kiss him on his forehead ...I just hate myself... Trying to help other children who r less fortunate... Finding peace...joy and happiness God has taken..let's help others so that I find some purpose for the rest of whatever is called as life... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel'sSon Posted September 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Hi val... And Cassidys mama....everyone who has lost a dear one feel guilty for having said this...not having done this.... Whether some thing cld have saved the tragic incident.". I myself is feeling guilty for having postponed my trip to where my son was studying so that If only I had gone as planned earlier...I cld have been with him so that he wld not have gone boating in the night and drowned ... If only I continued my effort to call him till he answered my call...if only I put him in a college closer home... Guess I ll have to live with the pain and doubt till my day comes.... I m just taking one day at a time... I dint get to say bye to him..I dint get to hug him...... Kiss him on his forehead ...I just hate myself... Trying to help other children who r less fortunate... Finding peace...joy and happiness God has taken..let's help others so that I find some purpose for the rest of whatever is called as life...Banu, The pain and hurt is still with me. Taking one day at a time isn't easy. Like you, wanting to hug my son, tell him one more time that I love him. I'm angry and just want my son back. It's been 6 weeks and not getting easier. We can be here for each other, just to know we are not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BreathofAngel Posted September 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted September 30, 2012 (((((Dearest ones))))), I know how hard it is for all of you who are suffering from the physical passing of a most beloved child. That has got to be the hardest thing a Mother can ever face, especially since it is normally expected for the parents to pass first and the children survive. But life has no guarantees. It is said that we all have our 'time clocks' and some are set for a longer period than others but that there are no mistakes on when they finally come to a full stop. That has to be true as God makes no mistakes. When He remembers one of His children and calls them back home just remember that He is in need of just one more Angel in Heaven!Please know that your beloved children are still with you! They are in a finer form of life development now but they would never leave the nourishing Love that only a Mother can give! Just remember, most beautiful Mothers who are suffering, that you continue to be the great vine of your Heavenly children that they cling to even now. And the flowers that you produce is your love eternal for them. They shall never forget you and will cling close to you always!May God bless each and every one of you and hug your hearts with His comfort and His joy! Your wonderful children are just fine with the greatest Father they could ever have in Heaven, their Creator. He takes good care of them until it is your time to rejoin them at your own appointed time. Until then, keep the ever sweet memories that are so dear so very close to your heart. Know that they truly live in there right inside you as they once did when it all started and you were expecting them for the very first time. Love Does Continue Eternally Between Mother and Child, Just Look At Jesus and His One and Only Beloved Mother Mary! And they Love you as you love them. Remember the first time that baby of yours smiled at you as an infant? That love was genuine, true, and heartfelt in their little heart and they're smiling at you right now too with great love! Consider yourselves blessed in that once you have brought forth a life, God never takes that soul away -- ever! They will continue to live in His kingdom for eternity as will you! I send you a big, big (((((hug))))) and all my love and prayers for much better days ahead! Be Strong just as your children want for you to be! Remember that each one of you has one of these (\o/) who continue to stand beside you and who will live strongly in your heart forever! You Are Not Alone! http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/ -------------------------------------Feeling empty, sad and fearful?Turn to God who can make you cheerful! †BreathofAngel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cas1984 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Bunny, i feel your searing pain as you wrote this post. My husband of 10 yrs. went to sleep forever as well, on the night of July 4 2012. I just had the coroner call me yesterday and he told me the official cause of death was combined drug intoxication., or CDI. I am shocked. I am heartbroken, i am angry, i feel at fault. what did he take that night? Jerry was only 58 yrs old. he was on pain meds and, flomax for his urine flow, but he i thought took them as prescribed. i just want him back. i feel i should've caught something wrong in the middle of the night and i could've saved him. i feel i should've seen a problem with overusage. i feel it may in someway be my fault. i know i am rambling here but i couldn't help but notice the title of your post. 'went to sleep forever'. I just wanted to write you so youi know you are not alone. i try taking it a day at a time, praying alot and using this website alot. it has helped. it is only 430 here on east coast, sleep eludes me right now, so here i am. I wish i knew more to say to bring you comfort; know you are not alone. i will pray for you, val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cas1984 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Bunny, i feel your searing pain as you wrote this post. My husband of 10 yrs. went to sleep forever as well, on the night of July 4 2012. I just had the coroner call me yesterday and he told me the official cause of death was combined drug intoxication., or CDI. I am shocked. I am heartbroken, i am angry, i feel at fault. what did he take that night? Jerry was only 58 yrs old. he was on pain meds and, flomax for his urine flow, but he i thought took them as prescribed. i just want him back. i feel i should've caught something wrong in the middle of the night and i could've saved him. i feel i should've seen a problem with overusage. i feel it may in someway be my fault. i know i am rambling here but i couldn't help but notice the title of your post. 'went to sleep forever'. I just wanted to write you so youi know you are not alone. i try taking it a day at a time, praying alot and using this website alot. it has helped. it is only 430 here on east coast, sleep eludes me right now, so here i am. I wish i knew more to say to bring you comfort; know you are not alone. i will pray for you, val Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cas1984 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Val, I feel ur pain & I'm so deeply sry and my tears wont stop..I truly feel ur loss as well to where I relate to every emotion & feeling u have..l am deeply sry for u feeling what I've been feeling for 8 months .. I don't wish this on anybody! Altho I did have hateful angry hurtful unhealthy feelings towards his girl,ex gf of Cassidy's did nothing but cause him grief and drove him nuts w head games & bribing him to stay at her house w pills knowing hes a former addict... Theres love! Thats where my animosity came in. As his Mama it made me want to get rid of individuals the way they got rid of ammature drug pushers on " Walk the Line" Dont get me wrong her reasons werent ALL about $$$ she was in love w him and I do say "was" in a very psychotic,unhealthy way at any cost! The way I see it if she truly loves him or in her case being how quickly she moved on & hot pregnant again 5 th pregnancy in 9 yrs we have known her,none his. That had to hurt and I know he loved her alot just not the same way she loved him.I mean my God he wasnt gone 2 months and she moved on too quickly way to fast for the way she acted towards him while he was alive. She risked losing her kids several times to get him unlimited cheap pain pills in her bra from Mexico! What good Mom does that? No man is worth that? I wudnt even do that if he begged or threatened to never speak to me again..It made me sinfully dislike her so much that on one hand u say u love him on the other ur helping him die! ???..I just wish she wud of let him go as easy as she did when he was gone bcus then he wud of had a chance to meet a nice semi normal girl not back n forth to this fake suicidal nut job who made him feel guilty obligated to stay w her for a yr of their 4 yr relationship if u can call it that..She pushed him into the arms of her sister cus he wasnt aloud to have friends so only hung w her family he has no family but me so he hung out ran errands had no idea her sister had a mad crush on him then eventially he fell in love w what he didnt realize was part two of that family only a "gold digger"& pill popper Great! How does it end? They have a baby girl she leaves him doesnt let him in delivery room or on birth certificate uses his love of his life as a weapon $$$ his baby girl! Theres nothing he wudnt do for the baby or babys Mama they got married on our dollar at our expense lived w us 6 months till she got her tax check & left him before death did them part!!Hes been replaced by both girls & I alwayz knew the psychoic one wasnt good for him but prayed & at one time even after she burnt my husband her brother rent I still loved her till she took my granddaughter away so she wudnt feel guilty about moving on so easy.. Worst part is I feel the hurt anger that Cassidy went thru trying to see his daughter. No money no visit! He loved his baby so much he paid for hotels electric cell phones baby needs for 45 minute visits at a pizza place,no overnites except when she lived w us, I mean off us! The hell his heart must have gone thru! It hurts me to think about him being controlled by his wife just to see his daughter when take it from me I didnt have a dad till I was 30 &Cassidys dad saw him in over 20 yrs in a casket & said to my face he wudnt of ever come to az to see Cas had it not been for him dying & stayed out here after the funeral 5 months out of guilt me being in a wheelchair no job etc alone just to steal my sons clothes watches and only stayed long enuf to get autopsy& didnt tell me till he left back to Indiana. I never got to see it! He said he deserved it!" Hows that? Im not a gold digger & never kept him from his son if anything I pushed for nothing. Now hes laying the guilt on me. I hate myself enuf dont need his help. I hurt enuf,dont need his input! Our son is gone,does he not get that? Ppl say pray Val pray whats that going to do? Make me stop hurting? Thats my son my only God given son! Is going to bring him back? Cus nothing can make each day better. If u look on my fb I waS happy nothing cud or nobody cud hurt me I had Cassidy! Look at our smiles then real & my smile now fake! I cant get a pic on here but my fb is bunny2u661@aol.com and if u ever need to talk or anybody sharing our feelings as long as I dont hear "move on " get over it" call me Bunny Lee 602-686-7004 anytime! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cas1984 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Bunny, My son left me 6 weeks ago at 30 yrs. old. He had everything going good for him. He shot himself in the head and I still ask...God why!!! My faith is no longer with me. You did everything you could for Cassidy. I'm lost to the fact of how could have not seen this coming with my son. He was my best friend and I didn't have any idea that he would do what he did. I'm in a nightmare that I want to end. You need Cassidy like I need my son. This seems so unreal.. It's soooooo hard to know our son's are gone. I have 2 girls who live out of the state and I can't even hardly talk to them. They say my life has to go on that my son is gone. Well, maybe he is gone, but I want him back. I fear this is going to be a long battle of remembering the good times with my son. They just won't come to my mind. I see him in that casket telling to please open his eyes. The funeral goes through my mind over and over. It's even a blur at times. I was suppose to go before any of my children. It's not fair, not at all. I long to hear the words, I love you mom!!!! Each day is getting worse for me!!! I hate waking up and thinking about my son every minute of each day. I write my thoughts on here, because I keep it all in my mind and I feel that someday I'm going to explode. When I lost my son on Aug. 15th, I lost it on Aug. 26th and ended up in the mental part of the hospital for 5 days. It didn't help me at all, if anything it made the pain worse. I know I'm rambling on and on and I don't know if I've even helped you out or what. Just know I'm here with you!!!! angel Angel's Mom Susan Bless u from my heart! Its true,theres alwayz someone who passes worse than ur son..Either way, they are gone but we hate hearing that! It hurts so bad. A knife a dull butter knife digging & digging..Ppl dont get it We dont want to hear they are better off" God needed a Angel Why ur son? Why that way ? Why my son. I dont have alot of friends now ,Susan I dont know how many friends u have or family & its mean for me to say this to have the odasity guts to say but why our boyz? Their kids are no better. My friend who blew me off after Cas wake Ive alwayz been there for her like a big sister & loved it but I wud of never done any of it had I known when I needed her most even a hug her life is goin so great she wont even let me pick up Cas funeral pictures or videos & she works in photo the manager.. Wont even let me buy em!! I have so much anger it hurts. Your hurt I feel. Its not getting easier for one reason, hes still not going to be here tomorrow so how does it get easier??? Hugz to my Indigo friends() So sry we are here instead in proud grandma room!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cas1984 Posted October 1, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 I want to know so much more about your son everything from Christmas to love lifes to angry moments Susan talk to me tell me details pls I really deeply care! Hugz Bunny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel'sSon Posted October 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 I want to know so much more about your son everything from Christmas to love lifes to angry moments Susan talk to me tell me details pls I really deeply care! Hugz BunnyBunny, It's getting late where I am. It's after !:00 in the morning. I promise I will be back on here tomorrow!!!! HuggggSSSSS Bunny!!!!!! I am sending you a request to be a friend on facebook. You can see what I went thru starting Aug. 15th, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel'sSon Posted October 2, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2012 I want to know so much more about your son everything from Christmas to love lifes to angry moments Susan talk to me tell me details pls I really deeply care! Hugz BunnyBunny, Today has been difficult. But, what day isn't difficult!!! I want to tell you all about my son, but my mind is still so confused that I can't think straignt!! 6 1/2 weeks since my wonderful son passed away. I'm numb and so sad!!! I love him so much and it's killing me to be without him. Today, nothing seems real, doesn't make sense to me. I see him in that casket and seems like he was just asleep and I wanted him to open his eyes. I want him to tell me that I worry too much, he always said that!! I was always afraid something was going to happen to him. I was right, it did. I need to know what made him put that gun to his head and pull the trigger. I'm so tired of thinking and it won't stop!!! I believe Heaven is real and your Cassidy and my Dustin are looking over us!! No, the days aren't getting easier. We are both alive and yet that isn't enough. Could have I stopped Dustin from shooting himself?? I don't even know, but it goes through my mind. Hugsss Bunny!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel'sSon Posted October 3, 2012 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Bunny, I'm glad we connected with our sons. We are on here along with everone else. Losing our son's. I'm in a daze and barely getting through the day. I love the wonderful pictures of you and Cassidy!!! I will be seeing Dustin's baby girl tomorrow. I don't want to get out of the house, but I'll make myself go with my mom to see her. She is almost 10 months old and my son can't be here to see her starting to walk and saying DaDa and wanting his cap that he always let her play with. It makes me so sad that she can't see her DaDa. I feel really lost today. I guess some days are going to be really, really bad. This is one of them. I'm glad that I have found people here going thru the loss of a loved one!!!! Love to Cassidy and my son Dustin!!!! Never to be forgotten!!!! Hugs....Bunny!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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