my 27 yr old went to sleep forever

[cas1984]

i didnt even follow my rules< i didnt hug him goodbye goodnite' i was so tired jan 12 2012,,hadnt had sleep good sleep for 3 yrs! i was truly brain dead and now how i wish i spent the nite on the couch w my only God given child of 25 yrs but i didnt as at 5am i hear my son perfectly healthy now as of the past 69 days clean no pills as he was a hopeful addict of pain killers and muscle relaxers but that was his past 6 yrs done and the day before he was happy making plans for him his 4 yr old daughter his love of his life he adores her almost as much as i adore him' we just had a great day all day he taught me to drive a stick shift in his car he cherished left at 6 to make his class drug class then to his halfway house his choice i offerred him to probation out of here not wanting him around a bunch of ppl who are all fighting addiction, he calls me many many times but to everyones amazement i finally went to sleep early very but finally at midnite i answered half awake, he asked if he cud stay here 3 nites as he had 3 strikes for being lateB he got here early in the morning about 12 30 midnite my husband opened the door annoyed and got back in bedB at 5 am i heard my son making little wimper ow oww soundsB i dont know how my tv is always so loud but i immediately put 3s company on pause and asked if he was okB he replied he was perfectly fine and i love you mama" he said we wud talk in the morning, but realizing he had such a rough 2 months id let him sleep in but not until i asked my husband at 530 am b4 he went to work to check on him make sure hes breathing here and ok he came back in 10 mins later to kiss me goodbye so i cud sleep my 2 hrs b4 my 3 yr old wakes up at 830am he assured me my son was fine so at peace i was out till 9am, took care of the baby scolded him cleaned my room made some calls plans for the next 3 days i got to spend w cassidy so excited and not wanting to disturb him cus he was safe home and needed the sleep not forever! God not forever but when i got in my wheelchair as i have no cartillage in my hips wrist spine so i go in see him looking fine sheet up to his neck and in a deep sleep yet im playing w his warm feet regretting disturbing him and bribing him w food but he just sleptBBB so i went back to my room to let him sleep but as nearsighted as i am i realized something wasnt right his skin tone was yellowish so i went back in there and beganshaking him telling him what have you done this isnt funny where did u go what happened last nite oh God why didnt i talk to u last nite instead of selfishly sleeping just to wake at 3am till my husband assurred me cas was fine, what happened dont leave me! you begged me not to leave you but ur leaving me, i started to freak out crying starting cpr not knowing what the hell i was doing since my last cpr class was 1984! i tried hard to get a dial screen panicking w this new phone my son bought me the day before, my whole life started to fall apart bad things like suicide came to my thoughts after calling 911 and her telling me to get him off the couch for cpr i remembered the michael jackson case w dr conrad murry administering cpr on the bed and how upset i was for a dr not to know that, all these thoughts went thru my mind my baby boy lifeless no pulse paramedics there my cpr did nothing, my air cudnt even fill his lungs it just came back in my mouth,not enuf leverage for the compressions bcus i cant get on my knees that way for the compressions to make a difference, i save kittens w no mamas my whole life but cudnt save my own son! i gave up! i threw my body on his and cried i just gave up believing my thrust werent making a difference or my mouth to mouth, i knew in my heart my baby was gone forever paramedics wudnt let me watch they kept sending me to the bedroom w our 3 yr old who we believe in reality is my sons biological baby tho he has a 4 yr old looks just like his baby twin no dnas ever, bottom line he wasnt pronounced dead here even tho i kept asking we went to the hospital where we rode in separate vehicles and made us wait 2 hrs in the room where a dr finally comes in to say they did all medically possible and i asked to see him they said hes gone i told em hes my kid i want to see him,,,, that was the last i wud ever see my boy as is before the embalming and all they do to make a dead body seem normal! At his wake b4 his cremation all i wanted was to see that amazing smile those beautiful eyes open hear my favorite words u got me mama its going to be ok" hear " I love you Mama!" but never again it was over forever hes gone 8 months empty lost life seems so meaningless and all i can hear w no guarantee is its ok bunny hes not hurting anymore he wasnt hurting he loved life! or hes in a better place now no hes not he loved waking up here seeing his mama and our dog kayto my service dog,OR AT LEAST U STILL HAVE JOSEPH MY 3 YR OLD IVE HAD SINCE HE WAS 26 DAYS OLD,, ALL I DO IS CLEAN CRY LOOK AT PICTURES AND PRETEND IM FINE IN FRONT OF MY 3 YR OLD,I NEED TO KNOW CASSIDY IS OK HE KNOWS THO I GAVE UP I TRIED HES NOT AFRAID THAT HEAVEN IS REAL! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME,,,??MY FAITH MY PERSONALITY? I need my son! Im alive Im not living! I need to be needed!! I need my Cassidy he needs me The days as time goes by isnt getting easier at all Pls help me!Bunny Cordova Cassidy's Mama