My Mother, My Best Friend, My Soulmate...I Miss her Intensely

[czenecke]

My name is Crystal and I am 40 years old. I am married and have 3 boys, ages 12, 14, & 16. I lost my mom on August 3, 2012.

My mom lived in the upper peninsula of Michigan and I live in the Milwaukee area in Wisconsin. I met her and my step-father (Jack) halfway so I could send my 3 boys for a visit this summer. We met in Marinette County, Wisconsin, which is exactly 3 hours of driving for each of us. The trip went great and on August 3rd I headed back to Marinette to pick my boys up. As we were saying our goodbyes, a women approached us and asked my step-father if he could give her a jump-start because her battery was dead. We were in a parking lot at Sequin's Cheese Shop, which is where we have always met up over the years. My boys and I got back on the road to Milwaukee and my mom and step-father went to give the women a jump-start.

4 hours later, I missed a phone call from an area code and phone number that I did not recognized and figured it was a telemarketer, I said, If it's important enough, they will call back. A half hour later my husband, who was supposed to be working a 24-hour shift at the fire department came storming in to my bedroom, visibly shaking and very serious. He grabbed my by my shoulders and guided me to sit down on my bed. He said "Honey, I love you so much, But when your mom and Jack pulled out of the parking lot of Sequin's, they got hit and your mom died at the scene and Jack is in the ICU in critical condition."

I can't even explain the sheer panic that raced through me as adrenaline took over and caused my body to violently shake. I could not think straight or even use my phone properly. I kept saying, "how does this thing work, I can't remember." My life changed forever that day.

I could NOT imagine going on without her. She was my soulmate and I had never been able to think I could live without her. I plummeted into a horrible depression. I have never lost anyone close to me before in my life. It felt like my organs were being ripped out of my body when I cried. My whole body hurt, my whole mind has been consumed. A piece of me went with her that day on highway 141 when she was ejected from the vehicle and broke her neck and severed her spinal cord, leaving her lying face-down in a ditch. I ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT BELIEVE SHE IS REALLY GONE. My mind plays tricks on me. I am fine one minute and the next, a thought comes to my mind, and I can't believe she is gone again, when on an intellectually level, I KNOW that she is. I am amazed at how our human mind kind-of makes us forget it happened in order to make us resilient to continue with life. I could have never imagined how visceral the pain could be from grieving. I almost felt like my heart would burst out of my chest.

I was scheduled to complete my final semester in nursing school this fall and graduate in December 2012. I grieved constantly and deeply for the month before classes reconvened, but I did not feel ready to go back. My anxiety grew each day as September 4th crept up.

This past Friday, September 21, 2012, I went to my primary care physician to get help because I became suicidal. All the pressures from school were pushing overboard. I actually considered jerking my car into traffic with my kids in the car. I had apparently let this go too long. I knew I needed to see a grief counselor, but I seriously did not have time to even locate one and schedule an appointment. I was hoping my doctor could refer me to someone. Instead, I was admitted inpatient to a psych unit in a hospital. While I was there, I talked with psychiatrists and social workers. They agreed that I needed to make some serious changes with my school workload. They put me on antidepressants as well and provided me with information about grief groups in my area. For some reason, I could not find any groups by searching for them online myself. The social worker showed me a picture of a P.E.T. scan of a normal brain and one of a depressed brain; the depressed brain was SO NOT lighting up. I thought maybe I was crazy that I could not focus on assignments or think. Apparently when depressed, the brain is not working up the the potential it can when not depressed. This is all good information, it allows me to give myself a break and stop forcing something that is NOT physiologically possible right now. I am so grateful for those resources. I need to take care of myself and let the pieces fall where they may. I am hoping my instructors will take away the deadlines for my assignments, so my anxiety can decrease. If not, I just may have to drop some classes and attend part-time, which would mean I would not be graduating in December. I am learning that I just have to let go. We can't financially afford me going another semester, but my husband says that we will figure something out. It's not the end of the world.

Life has really been one big blur since the day my Mumma left her physical body here on earth. I guess time heals, I am going to just HAVE to believe that. What other choice do I have??? I am going to try to focus on what I have to be grateful for and try to give myself a break.

I attached a photo of my Mumma. She brought color into this otherwise black and white world.

Crystal

[BreathofAngel]

My dearest (((((Crystal))))),

As I read your account of what happened to your most precious beloved Mother I felt great sadness as things seem so unreal to understand and even harder to bear. I offer my sincere condolences on the physical passing of your dear Mom, dearheart. I know only too well that a Mother is the most precious part of oneself that a person can ever have. Once they are gone they cannot ever be replaced. But we must also understand that a person's passing is part of life itself. How it happens, especially with the circumstances that you have described, makes it all the harder to however understand. But our own life has purpose and great meaning, not just to us but to those others who love us and who need us such as your three children. At their age they must surely realize that their wonderful Grandma is gone so now you, their precious Mom must take the reigns and continue to guide them and raise them in a loving way, as I'm so sure you do, where they will not feel the brunt of their loss as harshly.

You must start to heal, dear one, you have suffered incredibly and this is not meant to continue forever. If there was only a way to bring our beloved back to physical life it would have been accomplished millenniums ago. But unfortunately, there is not. And we must continue to forge ahead despite the overwhelming obstacles that stand in our way. Surely your Mom would have wanted that for you and you must always bear that in mind. A Mother's pride and joy is not just in having her children but in knowing that they are well cared for and have accomplished the things they feel in their heart that they need to accomplish such as receiving a good education. Therefore, when you feel better, it is good to revisit your academic study path and assure yourself that you are making the right decision in whatever you decide you must do. If your husband can help you, there may be a way yet for you to graduate and be most proud of your accomplishments.

Judging from the picture you posted of your Mom I can see that your Mother is such a beautiful lady! She has the strong features of a person proud to have her children and have them accomplish the very best for their life! I can clearly see that. And so it is that you must forge ahead in your life so that your own children can also one day feel even more proud of you by knowing that their Mom was able to rise above the fray and become the Mom that they knew could do it!

May God Bless You dearheart, and the rest of your family. Please keep your beloved Mother in your prayers as she is in your heart. It will surely help her and also help to bring you some peace. And next time you see a beautiful red rose come to bloom in Spring, remember that that is a depiction of your sweet Mother sending you all of her love forever!

http://www.ehow.com/info_7892812_support-groups-losing-parents.html

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Feeling empty, sad and fearful?

Turn to God who can make you cheerful! †

BreathofAngel

[GuyRodgers]

• My mother passed away in 2006. The last two years I've been working on a website so that I could honor her. I came up with www.deiningthedash.com which is a free online community where people can post tributes, memories, photos, videos and write the biography for our loved ones who have passed on. I hope this can help you as it has me.