Is it wrong?

[Peanuts mom]

Is it wrong to expect others to know how I feel... I dont mean the magnitude of my pain from losing my son, but more on a simplier term... Like having my husbands daughter wanting to come stay the night, whom told us she wanted to come for the weekend and we heard nothing from her, only to be called tonight at 9:30pm wanting to come then... Not that I have a problem with her coming, this is her home as well, but brought along with her the "grandson" of one of his other daughters whom we have seen maybe three times in his entire life... This daughter we have nothing to do with mind you... Do they not understand that I am greiving the lose of my son and having another little boy in the house to stay the entire night is killing me... Yet saying something makes me the evil stepmother so here is sit in pain biting my lip to keep from saying something... Of course because it is now almost 10pm its way past this little ones bed time, he has no clue who we are really so he cries... Cries that I just cant bear at the moment.... WHY????? Do they not understand....

[Angel'sSon]

Peanuts mom,,,I truly believe that others don't know how you feel. Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since my son, 30 yrs.old passed away and I'm a long way from getting over it. My oldest daughter thinks I should be going on with my life and stop thinking about the funeral and think about the good thoughts of him. I can't help it if the funeral goes thru my mind over and over. The way I can relate to what you are going thru is...a neighbor brought her grandson over to meet me. He is around my son's age and I kept thinking this is not a good time. It made me see my son thru him, even the tattoos. She kept talking and the more she talked I knew I had to do something. I politely told her that I needed some time alone and we would talk later..She was nice and they left. When I see her tomorrow, I will explain what was going thru my mind. I just didn't want to be rude and tell her in front of her grandson how I was feeling. This is one of my worst days as far as wanting my son back. There are definitely those who don't understand or don't think about what we are going thru. Just though I'd share this with you.

[Elle-55]

Hi Peanuts mom,

I'd say 98% of family, friends and co workers expected me to be over my son's dead within a few weeks. I remember going back to work and people acting as if I were nuts to be grieving.

Talk to your husband, ask him to run interference with his daughter for you. It may take months before you feel ready to face the world, when my son died I told myself I was going to feel whatever I felt and let the world go to hell in a hand basket if anyone had a problem with it.

I wish you all the best.

[Angel'sSon]

Rhett's-mom, Thanks to responding to Peanuts mom....I lost my son 6 weeks ago today, he was 30 years old. Today, I had to let a couple of friends and family know that I'm not going to get over this for a long time and I don't know how long it will take. It hurts every waking minute of the day. I was so close to him and to have him here one minute and getting the news on Aug. 15th that he is gone. omg...I'm still partly in shock and I think denial too. I want him back so bad. I have to do what's right for me and not others!!! Thanks for commenting!!!!!

[Vijayabanu]

Hi peanuts mom....start looking at the other kid as yr own... In yr moment of profound grief fill yr heart with love for everything and evryone. May be yr husband's daughter thought seeing another baby may ease yr pain..look at everyonenas extension of yrself...start asking the question ' who is I?? Is it me the body..the mindnor the heart...or yr feelings...or something beyond all this...you may be more at peace....

Hi Susan!!! I hope you cld muster enough courage to face the birth day of yr son. I m sure he is in heaven celebrating with the God and angels..

[Alexander Risten]

Is it wrong to expect others to know how I feel... I dont mean the magnitude of my pain from losing my son, but more on a simplier term... Like having my husbands daughter wanting to come stay the night, whom told us she wanted to come for the weekend and we heard nothing from her, only to be called tonight at 9:30pm wanting to come then... Not that I have a problem with her coming, this is her home as well, but brought along with her the "grandson" of one of his other daughters whom we have seen maybe three times in his entire life... This daughter we have nothing to do with mind you... Do they not understand that I am greiving the lose of my son and having another little boy in the house to stay the entire night is killing me... Yet saying something makes me the evil stepmother so here is sit in pain biting my lip to keep from saying something... Of course because it is now almost 10pm its way past this little ones bed time, he has no clue who we are really so he cries... Cries that I just cant bear at the moment.... WHY????? Do they not understand....

The sad fact is that most people today do not understand, or even try to understand the process of grief. It is not so much insensitivity as an unfortunate byproduct of the modern world we live in. Some, I think it was Angel'sSon Susan and Rhett's mom, showed this in their posts: people expect grief to be over in a few weeks. I wish I can get it into other people's heads that "It does not work that way!" Grief is a long process and it should be allowed to complete naturally. The time it takes a person to work through grief differs from person to person. There is no fix time schedule when grieving.

Your experience with the little boy in the house is natural, and I agree that the other members of the household should be a bit more sympathetic. As I stated in the beginning, unfortunately our modern worldview does not embrace that. At the risk of being the "evil stepmother" I think you should explain this to them as nicely as possible. Most people need to be educated on how to help people grieve.

[justinlsmom]

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. I lost my son 2 months ago today, August 4, 2012. He was out with friends, went to bed and didnt wake up, we were away on holidays when this happened and we got a call when we were 6 hours from home. I was waiting to text my son, Justin, once we crossed back over the canada/us border to let him know we were coming home a day early and to make sure the house was straightened up, of course I never got to make that call/text as we received the horrible news prior to this. It was the longest 6 hours of our lives trying to get home to him. I don't know how my husband kept it together but he did, I know I was certainly no use to anybody, I was in total shock. It has been a very hard couple of months, the fact that I am even functioning at this point is an absolute surprise to me and most people around me, I thought I would still be a puddle in the middle of my son's bed, but I'm not, I don't know exactly how the human mind works but it is amazing. Don't get me wrong, I have my bad bad bad days, and then others days I can smile and joke and laugh about the things Justin did and I talk to him all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean all the time, he always said "Mom, you talk to much" , well my belief is he can hear me still and he is smiling and saying the same thing to me. I have a daughter who is 16 years old, and she is helping her Dad and I get through this, she talks about Justin all the time, she tells us stories about him that we didnt know. Justin was 19 years old by the way, 2 weeks before his 20th birthday he passed. We celebrated his birthday with balloons, supper, cake and we sang him Happy Birthday, there were alot of tears shed but it was cathartic. I believe what is getting us through this is the fact that as a family we are all okay with talking about him all the time, we can bring him up any time and we all chime in, our friends are the same way, they know its okay to talk about him. The problem with the majority of the people is they don;t want to mention him because they are afraid it will remind us and make us cry, well, guess what, we don't need reminding, he is always on our minds, sometimes at the back of our minds while we are with family or friends etc, but always, always on our minds. People need to understand that when we lose a child, we lose a part of ourselves, we will never be the same people we were, and to help us become this new person we will be, we need to work through our grief and we need the time to talk and laugh about our loved one's. We need to hear stories, good or bad. We need to know that he/she made a difference to everyone else's life he was in and by sharing and talking to us, we know he did. I apologize for my rambling, I have so much to say and I am having an okay day today, I feel him with me all of the time, he is smiling and shaking his head at the stupid/silly things I am doing (milk in the cupboard) not remembering if I have shampoo or conditioner in my hair, all the silly things that you have all experienced as well, we are all just going through the motions at this point, but hopefully some day we can except our loss and live a good life and bring our loved ones along with us. I do belive healing/moving on does not mean forgetting or leaving them behind they will ALWAYS be a part of us and our lives, as we change and grow they will be there supporting us and every once in a while, if we watch carefully, sending us a little something to let us know "They got us", they are watching out for us. Until my son passed I never really thought about these little signs I have heard about, my mom is a firm believer, however since Justin passed I have asked him for a few things, a butterfly, help his sister have a good day, a song on a radio, and I get them, I know some people are not there yet, but I get great joy out of going to the cemetery and asking for a butterfly and getting it is an amazing feelng, I have gotten one even in the rain and cold weather. It fills your heart with excitement and joy and it makes you feel like hey, he is there and he is hearing me. As I am writing this, I am amazed at how I am feeling right this moment, a week ago I was a puddle on the floor and maybe tomorrow I will be again, but right now, right this minute I can see that I am getting stronger and I am happy about this, I tell/ask Justin everyday to help me be strong and it seems to be working. I want to thank you for reading my rambling, I am so glad I found this site. I want to say to each and everyone of you Mom's and Dad's , sisters, brothers, Grandma's, Grandpa's, Aunt's, Uncle's, Cousin's, I am truly sorry that you have to go down this horrible path in life, this is the worse thing we will ever experience! Please remember we need to learn something from our childs death, I don't know what it is for me yet, I am still waiting but I know I need to be a better, stronger person then I was, I don't want to come away from this a bitter angry person, my son was a very happy, smily, laughing young man, with lots of friends, he made friends whereever he went and I know he would hate for me to turn into a bitter person and that is what keeps me from snapping at stupid things people say/do, or inconsideration some of my friends and family have shown us and I tell my husband the same(he is angry for the most part) these people are not worth the energy it takes to be angry, use that energy on remembering our baby and spending time with our daughter!! Once again I apologize for rambling, maybe Justin was right "I do talk to much" Please be kind to yourselves and others, remember you will get stronger and you will get through this and you will be with your loved again when it is your time!! Take care!! Patty

[Angel'sSon]

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. I lost my son 2 months ago today, August 4, 2012. He was out with friends, went to bed and didnt wake up, we were away on holidays when this happened and we got a call when we were 6 hours from home. I was waiting to text my son, Justin, once we crossed back over the canada/us border to let him know we were coming home a day early and to make sure the house was straightened up, of course I never got to make that call/text as we received the horrible news prior to this. It was the longest 6 hours of our lives trying to get home to him. I don't know how my husband kept it together but he did, I know I was certainly no use to anybody, I was in total shock. It has been a very hard couple of months, the fact that I am even functioning at this point is an absolute surprise to me and most people around me, I thought I would still be a puddle in the middle of my son's bed, but I'm not, I don't know exactly how the human mind works but it is amazing. Don't get me wrong, I have my bad bad bad days, and then others days I can smile and joke and laugh about the things Justin did and I talk to him all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean all the time, he always said "Mom, you talk to much" , well my belief is he can hear me still and he is smiling and saying the same thing to me. I have a daughter who is 16 years old, and she is helping her Dad and I get through this, she talks about Justin all the time, she tells us stories about him that we didnt know. Justin was 19 years old by the way, 2 weeks before his 20th birthday he passed. We celebrated his birthday with balloons, supper, cake and we sang him Happy Birthday, there were alot of tears shed but it was cathartic. I believe what is getting us through this is the fact that as a family we are all okay with talking about him all the time, we can bring him up any time and we all chime in, our friends are the same way, they know its okay to talk about him. The problem with the majority of the people is they don;t want to mention him because they are afraid it will remind us and make us cry, well, guess what, we don't need reminding, he is always on our minds, sometimes at the back of our minds while we are with family or friends etc, but always, always on our minds. People need to understand that when we lose a child, we lose a part of ourselves, we will never be the same people we were, and to help us become this new person we will be, we need to work through our grief and we need the time to talk and laugh about our loved one's. We need to hear stories, good or bad. We need to know that he/she made a difference to everyone else's life he was in and by sharing and talking to us, we know he did. I apologize for my rambling, I have so much to say and I am having an okay day today, I feel him with me all of the time, he is smiling and shaking his head at the stupid/silly things I am doing (milk in the cupboard) not remembering if I have shampoo or conditioner in my hair, all the silly things that you have all experienced as well, we are all just going through the motions at this point, but hopefully some day we can except our loss and live a good life and bring our loved ones along with us. I do belive healing/moving on does not mean forgetting or leaving them behind they will ALWAYS be a part of us and our lives, as we change and grow they will be there supporting us and every once in a while, if we watch carefully, sending us a little something to let us know "They got us", they are watching out for us. Until my son passed I never really thought about these little signs I have heard about, my mom is a firm believer, however since Justin passed I have asked him for a few things, a butterfly, help his sister have a good day, a song on a radio, and I get them, I know some people are not there yet, but I get great joy out of going to the cemetery and asking for a butterfly and getting it is an amazing feelng, I have gotten one even in the rain and cold weather. It fills your heart with excitement and joy and it makes you feel like hey, he is there and he is hearing me. As I am writing this, I am amazed at how I am feeling right this moment, a week ago I was a puddle on the floor and maybe tomorrow I will be again, but right now, right this minute I can see that I am getting stronger and I am happy about this, I tell/ask Justin everyday to help me be strong and it seems to be working. I want to thank you for reading my rambling, I am so glad I found this site. I want to say to each and everyone of you Mom's and Dad's , sisters, brothers, Grandma's, Grandpa's, Aunt's, Uncle's, Cousin's, I am truly sorry that you have to go down this horrible path in life, this is the worse thing we will ever experience! Please remember we need to learn something from our childs death, I don't know what it is for me yet, I am still waiting but I know I need to be a better, stronger person then I was, I don't want to come away from this a bitter angry person, my son was a very happy, smily, laughing young man, with lots of friends, he made friends whereever he went and I know he would hate for me to turn into a bitter person and that is what keeps me from snapping at stupid things people say/do, or inconsideration some of my friends and family have shown us and I tell my husband the same(he is angry for the most part) these people are not worth the energy it takes to be angry, use that energy on remembering our baby and spending time with our daughter!! Once again I apologize for rambling, maybe Justin was right "I do talk to much" Please be kind to yourselves and others, remember you will get stronger and you will get through this and you will be with your loved again when it is your time!! Take care!! Patty

Patty, My 30 yr. old son, Dustin passed away on August 15th, 2012. He had a wife and baby girl, almost 10 months old. Everyone saw no change in his life. He shot himself in the head, in his livingroom. I'm far from being over this. 7 weeks and it's still so unreal. My son was my best friend. Let me add, I'm sorry for your loss. I never thought I'd be on this site in all my life. I have my times, that I'm still in a daze and nothing seems right. Wanting my son back so bad, but i know it won't happen. After 7 weeks and I'm just lost without him. I have 2 daughters, but they both live out of the state and have jobs. So, I don't get to talk to them that often. I go to a counselor, but when I get back home it's all the same. The thinking over and over. Keep rambling, it helps me and others I'm sure!!!!

[lalewis]

I know the feeling. I was at a friend's house a few days ago and she was babysitting. The baby is 12 months and my baby was 18 months. I tried to leave as quickly as possible. Just being around babies is too much for me right now.

[AlfiesMummy]

I'm sure that no one would see you as the 'evil stepmother'. Perhaps they thought they were helping without thinking it through. Its been nearly 3 months since I lost my 17month old son and I've been avoiding going out so I don't have to be around other children. Try and remember that you are the only person who knows how you feel, and no one will ever truly understand the pain that comes with your loss but unless you explain to them how you're feeling people can only guess, sometimes they get it very wrong. Unless they've lost a child too they can't begin to understand.

[shorty16]

No, It is not wrong - and No, not many people will understand the depth and length of our pain.

My 16 year-old son, Brian died is a car crash on 6-19-2008. He and 2 friends were screwing around and 2 friends survived and Brian died.

This will be our 5th Christmas without our boy and the pain does get softer, but it will never go away.

In the beginning, I could think of nothing but the death of my son. I went through the motions, but was not living.

Now, I am able to see light again and you will too.

I agree with Rhett's Mom, ask your husband to help "play interference" with his daughter. Let him know what you need.

Take care my friends,

We will survive this!

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[shorty16]

Patty,

I read your post in amazement. Especially the part about "Anger takes too much energy - let's spend that energy on our daughter"

I wore my anger and hatred like a badge for the boy who was driving the car. My son died car-surfing on 6-19-2008. He decided to climb on the hood of a car and his "friend" drove 68 mph, lost control, Brian fell off and was dead within minutes. The accident scene is 1/4 mile from our home.

I know I am living every parents worst nightmare. In the beginning, I wore my badge-of-anger and I was out-of-control angry at all 3 kids involved. My son was dead and 2 boys walked away without a scratch (both Brian and his friend were on the hood)!!

This went on for 2 years, until I was just so exhausted and was not helping my family. I finally started working on getting rid of the hate - and all I have to say is....

Why didn't I do this sooner?

Hate robbed me of my focus on my family - I now have it back and I am working hard with our 2 surviving children to help them deal with those feelings. They are still very angry

The driver was convicted of "Homicide by Neglegent use of a Motor Vehicle" and No alcohol or drugs were involved, just complete teenage stupidity.

Patty - your outlook on life will make the difference between a happy family and a not-so-happy family.

Good job

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever