Recently lost my brother

[cookiedoe]

I have recently lost my brother to suicide. I am very angry about this, angry for what he did to his kids. Angry because apparently he tried or threatened before and his wife did not tell anyone or try to get him help. My brother was an alcoholic that was cut off from drinking by his family. I believe this sent him in a downward spiral. I also feel that if his family had known maybe we could have helped. How do I get over this anger?

[josephtmacgregor]

I have recently lost my brother to suicide. I am very angry about this, angry for what he did to his kids. Angry because apparently he tried or threatened before and his wife did not tell anyone or try to get him help. My brother was an alcoholic that was cut off from drinking by his family. I believe this sent him in a downward spiral. I also feel that if his family had known maybe we could have helped. How do I get over this anger?

Lilypad,

I am so sorry to hear of your brother's death, and the way in which he died. I lost a brother six years ago to cancer, but earlier in his life he had been an alcoholic as well and nearly did kill himself on multiple occasions. The alcohol, and sometimes even just the power of the addiction, turned him into a person unrecognizable to me and he did things he never would have thought of doing previously, before the influence of alcohol entered his life. I can remember my anger and the anger of my family and his friends at the time, and I also know the anger I have felt since he actually did pass away, though that anger is more directed at the disease he had and the fact that no therapy known to modern medicine was able to save him. It was unfair that he had to suffer as he did, unfair to him and also to those of us around him. That is not how I wanted to remember my brother, and I am angry about that too, that sometimes all I can think about are the days he was really sick- not the "good times."

This sounds cliche', but I guess it is for a reason- give yourself time. Be easy on yourself. This is a time when you are obviously still reeling from the shock of losing him. You are bound to question and to feel angry and all sorts of other things. It is all natural and there is no "normal" when grieving. Take some comfort in that. Even when people don't "get it" (and unfortunately you will probably run into a lot of people who don't...although most have good intentions anyway), just make sure you are taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to feel what you feel. Don't keep it all inside, I did that for years and it has proven to be a bad decision on my part. My way of coping with my brother's death was to try to act like nothing had ever happened and to busy myself with work and family obligations. Though it is of course good to occupy your mind and to try to keep some semblance of "normalcy" in your life (like a regular work schedule or something), don't be too busy to grieve. It is natural, and it is important to do so.

I wish I could give you a simple answer about how to get over the anger, but as someone who is also traveling this road of grief I would say time is key. In time, lots of it, the sharpness of the pain will ease. Something that has really helped me has been to see a grief counselor. These types of counselors specialize in helping people through losses, and they are different than just a general psychologist. I have trouble oepning up to people about the losses I have epxperienced, so for me the grief counseling has been really helpful and offered me some relief.

Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand, to an extent, your pain- as a bereaved sibling and as uncle to a little boy who misses his daddy very much. None of this is easy...but give it time and seek out support. This site is a good place to start, there is lots of support here to be had. Take care of yourself.

Joe