Heart Aches

[Deesgirl]

My. heart. aches.

The intense longing I have to see my love, Danny, again and then the pain that immediately follows, knowing that is not possible,ever, is absolutely debilitating.

The physical sensation is hard to describe, because even if I try to in words, it doesn't come close to what it really feels like - this pain.

It starts in my heart - as if its wrapped in barbed wire being pulled in opposite directions

My chest feels like it caves in and cements my lungs making it so difficult to breathe

My mind still, even after all these months, tries to comprehend that you are not here - but then where are you? Where did you go? Why are you not coming home?

Then my body becomes heavy, my energy drained, my mind empty and numb trying to find anything else to think about but my reality.

Not every day is like this. There are days that I've learned to smile and laugh again (at least a little bit) - but it's days like this that come sneaking up, unexpectedly,

forcing me to face this new reality and whatever bit my heart has mended tears open and breaks into even more pieces.

How is it possible to have any tears left??

I go on Danny, only because I can hear you say "never give up"...

[drinwi]

I'm so sorry Deesgirl. I had a day like that today as well. Feeling like the pain is so deep that I can't catch my breath. Walking from room to room thinking, wondering why he is not here. Waiting to hear the key in the lock, his voice come down the hall, his arm flip around me during the night. All those things and more. My head and my heart both know it is not going to happen but they fool me into thinking that if I hope enough or pray enough or wait long enough it will change.

Please hang in there, we have to have better days, and as you said not every day is like today. You are in my thoughts tonight.

R

[mikesmomrs]

I too am very sorry you are having such a hard time, Deesgirl. Your statement "Then my body becomes heavy, my energy drained, my mind empty and numb trying to find anything else to think about but my reality" fits how I feel, but first I feel the anxiety rising from my stomach, filling my body and then the heaviness and energy draining, empty mind and numbness follow, with again, me trying to find something else to think about. When you love so deeply, it is difficult to get through those days and hours and minutes without the one you've had beside you for so long. I am still mired in paperwork and legal stuff and it is killing me. The other day, when asked on the phone what my marital status was, for the first time, I had to answer "widow," and I don't even know how the person heard me, as I completely broke down, with all that that word implies exploding through my body and my head. Fortunately, they were very understanding, but my heart still hurt so very bad.

My hubby would also always say "never give up." In fact, he had a cartoon that he truly loved, of a heron with a frog in its mouth, kind of sticking out, and the never give up was written beneath it...it was one of his favorites. We all know that we must go on, but the knowing doesn't, unfortunately, come with instructions. My son died of brain cancer in 2006, at the age of 31. Before he died, he put his hands on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eyes and said "Mom, you can't die because I do." I broke down in tears, but I knew that what he was saying was true. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to continue, to keep moving ahead. The old two steps forward and three backwards comes still, and now that my husband is gone, they come more frequently, and heavier. But we have two daughters, and 7 grandchildren (3 of them our son's boys...not 16, 15 and 7) and we also had each other to live for when our son died. Now I have our daughters and our grandchildren and the memories. Memories are funny things...they cause so much sorrow at first, because we think of them, smile and then remember suddenly "there will be no more made" and we are deep in sorrow again. I can't say the pain goes away. It doesn't. But, over time, and this is different for everyone, it does soften enough that you can get through those days when the sun is seen and the sorrow isn't all consuming. You will laugh again. The first time I heard myself laugh after our son died, I looked around, shocked that I could laugh out loud. I have laughed since my husband died...with my daughters and the grandchildren, and it usually involves a memory of their dad/papa. This pain of losing my husband has been different from that of losing our son. I can't explain it. It hurts terribly, unbearably. My sorrow is profound. My loneliness is all-encompassing. But it is yet, still different somehow. I think having my husband here to share the memories, sorrow and journey with me made it softer sooner. This time, as you know, we are on our own and the journey is different for me.

I pray you will find some sun in your days that will work its way into your heart, warm your soul and help to surround you with comfort. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. As DRINWI said, "we have to have better days." And we will.

I've attached a copy of hubby's cartoon for you. I hope I don't offend you by doing so. My best to you, and I hold you close in my heart and prayers.

[Deesgirl]

mikesmomrs & drinwi,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt replies. It pains me to know that so many others are enduring this depth of pain & loss.

I wanted to share a poem I came across soon after I wrote about how I was feeling, as it definitely brought me hope and light into my darkened world:

They are not dead,

Who leave us this great heritage of remembering joy.

They still live in our hearts,

In the happiness we knew, in the dreams we shared.

They still breathe,

In the lingering fragrance,windblown, from their favourite flowers.

They still smile in the moonlight’s silver,

And laugh in the sunlight’s sparking gold.

They still speak in the echoes of the words we’ve heard them say again and again.

They still move,

In the rhythm of waving grasses, in the dance of the tossing branches.

They are not dead;

Their memory is warm in our hearts, comfort in our sorrow.

They are not apart from us, but part of us,

For love is eternal,

And those we love shall be with us throughout all eternity.

Anon

I hope it helps lift your spirits this evening. Wishing you a good night,

Deesgirl

[mikesmomrs]

Truly beautiful, thank you so much. I had not seen that one before. I really appreciate your sharing it. Tonight was especially hard for me; we had our first "family gathering" without my husband. One of our grandsons had his 14th birthday today, and we got together to celebrate. He wanted to go out to Chili's, which we did. I was able to hold it together, but towards the end, I kept looking at the six of us who were there, and the 7th who usually was there was not, and the missing just took over my whole being. I had to go to the ladies room because I didn't want to spoil Jamie's night. When I came out, they had all already gone outside, and when Jamie saw me, he came up and put his arms around me and said "Nana, it's okay. You know, Papa is with us. He has been with us all night." Then he told me that his papa gave him a birthday present already. I asked him what it was and he told me that on the way to the restaurant, he saw a yellow punch buggy. Let me explain: when our son Mike died, we always associated punch buggies (VW Bugs) with him because he loved the punch buggy game...played it from when he wa 4-5 years old right up til the last time he was in a car and saw one before he died. Well, red was his favorite color, so we took it that every time we saw a red punch buggy, we would think of Mike, and then we started noticing that when we were talking about him, inevitably we would see a red punch buggy at that time. About a year after Mike died, my husband said "I think I am going to take the color yellow, and when I see a yellow one, it will be my reminder of Mike and my reminder of him." Right after that, he left for work, and called me a bit later. He told me that when he came to the stop sign at the end of our street, while he was waiting, a red punch buggy went by, and right after that, a yellow one. So, that cemented that idea! So, now, the yellow punch buggies are reminders of my husband, and our grandchildren see it that way. So, Jamie telling me that he saw a yellow punch buggy on the way to his birthday dinner, and comforting me by hugging me and telling me it was "all right" for me to be sad, made the hard night a little easier. Blessings can be found; it is just so hard sometimes to see them or accept them, because we are in so much pain. Sorry for rambling, just wanted to share.

have a good night, all,

Carol mikesmomrs

[ericadc2]

I am sorry for your loss as well...I too am suffering with all the same feelings..but couldn't really explain them until I read your post and it describes them almost to a tee....I lost my husband Aug. 19, 2012 and I will never, ever be the same again. I don't know how to keep going on...it hurts too much. I don't understand why he had to go and I don't understand why I am here to suffer the way that I am. I am truly lost without him. I never in a million yrs would have ever thought I would be a 'widow' at the age of 41. It literally sucks the life right out of me every time I think to myself that he will never be here. Please take care.