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This is my first time here...I lost my son just 10 days ago...I struggle with ups and downs...So many things to do...everything reminding me of his laugh or smile..

He was a wonderful person that struggled with a terrible demon...He tried so hard to conquer...I think God knew he wasn't going to win and took him home...This does give me some since of peace...

My biggest struggle is the guilt...was there more that I could do??

I also struggle with the fact that I found my beautiful boy...cold and unmoving...

He just looked asleep...I moved his hands and they were so cold...Then I saw his face and the blue...it haunts me...

But I know I will overcome...

He walks with god, he walks with angels..

He walks with family and friends he has so muched missed...

God knows the plan...we must follow...I must accept..

Thanks for letting me write this...it helps...


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I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your precious son...please know that you have found a wonderful, caring, loving and supportive group of people here at BI.  Thge pain you feel is felt by all here, and all here will be with you whenever you need us.  Please feel free to come here anytime, to talk, to cry, to rant, or to remember.  We are all walking this sad journey, and we are all aware of the pain we all feel...please know, that even though it is very difficult for you to comprehend this now, so very soon in your journey, while the pain is so very raw and gut-wrenching, but it will eventually soften...over time, we don't know how long, it is different for everyone, but it does soften over time and one day you will notice, that you are able to catch your breath a little more often, for a little longer, and one day you will even find yourself with a smile, remembering. 

I wish I could reach out and offer you comfort with a hug, but please know that you are being held by all here. 

I lost my son, Mike, on October 14, 2006, to brain cancer, and I never thought I would ever breathe or smile again.  I have done both, though sometimes I know it is only the eternal power of God that encourages me to do so, and other times it is the courage and love and support of all here, who travel the same painful road.

I can't imagine what pain you must feel having been the one to find your son...we were with Mike when he passed, of course, knowing that he was dying, and I sat with him until there was no longer the tiniest hint of warmth in his hands, and beyond, until I could dwell no longer and had to let him go through the door that last time.  The funeral directors came to get him, and though they were so very gentle and respectful and loving, I still wanted to run along beside the van to be sure they treated him with loving care all the way.  Of course, I couldn't, but I stood on the porch until the last flicker of red tail light showed through the distant trees and I could see it no longer...the night air chilling me to the bone, and all the way through my heart, as I said goodbye through tears that I never thought would stop.

They never do completely, but they do ease up, they do come less frequently, but the memories are always there, do not fear that you will lose them...they are with you for every heartbeat, for every time you go to sleep and every time you wake. 

As for the guilt, please know that all of us feel that, no matter what the circumstances of our child's leaving us might have been...we all feel guilt that we could have done more, should have done more...we ourselves knew for 17 months that our son was dying, and we did and did and did, but still it wasn't enough...I want him back so we can do more, but that is not to be.  As you said, he walks with God, he is an angel in our lives, ever present, just as your precious son is with God and an angel in your life, forever, and will meet you when it is your time to leave this earth.

Please ciome back, and write more, let us help you. 

love and peace,

carol  mikesmomrs

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Ten days ago.........just ten days. ........  I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I'm ten months into this journey.  I lost my only child, our son to heart disease. We never knew he had ARVD/C.  His first manifestation was sudden death.

I remember ten days ........ it was five days after his memorial.  I was still in disbelief. I would wake at 3:30 am every morning crying my heart out. I would walk over to the window and see his jeep in the driveway and his truck by the curb.

I would walk downstairs and into his kitchen and see his boots by the door and his notes on the frig.

You are so new to this journey.  I am so sorry that you discovered your son.  Our son was camping with friends and they found him.  They tried so hard to revive him. He was also blue ......  that haunts me and I never saw him............

I will send you the warmest of thoughts. I will wish for strength so that you can get through the days ahead.  I will think of you asleep and resting and hope that it's so. I wish you joy from your memories so that you can smile through your tears.

I'm new to BI and I love this place of solace and gain much strength from the gracious folks who have reached out to me. Pour your heart out with your keyboard. We will be here listening and understanding.  I also would like to put my arms around you and hold you .........

Early in my journey I was told to take deep breaths and baby steps. I was also told to ask for help. I encourage you to do the same. Do what you need to do to take care of you.

Love! From one grieving Mom to another.  JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

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 I also welcome you to this wonderful group of supportive parents...and I grieve with you after your loss of your precious child....this is one of the few "safe places" I have been able to say what I feel, no matter what is was, no matter how awful, and not be ridiculed or told to "get over it". Its such a long and lonely road, one none of us would choose, but still we have to travel it. I am grateful to each of the wonderful members of this group, whose words and wisdom have gotten me through the darkest of early days. My David was just killed in November at age 17. Damn, it still hurts to say that...




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