Shocked at loss of Mom

[boydgoat]

In June I found out my mother had 3 anuersysms, 1 near her heart, 1 near her back, and 1 near the groin. They were to big to repair with stents and at least 2 surgeries would be required to do the repairs. The first would be open heart using heart/lung bypass machine. In July she finally had surgery. I live 3-4 hours away. I arrived day of surgery before she went into surgery. She had already had the "happy medicine" it started to wear off because surgery was later than orginally planned. She was surprised to see me and my best friend. (husband had to work) Surgery lasted around 8 hrs. The staff messed up and didn't take us back right away to see her once she was in ICU. We finally got to see her. She was still completely out. So, we left for the night. Short story long, she had had a major stroke during surgery on Thurs. It wasn't until Wed that she opened her eyes and could squeeze your hand. Saturday started out talking about removing breathing tube on Monday....and ended with emergency surgery to remove almost 1/3 of her colon. They kept her sedated due to troubles with breathing. I slept that night (again) in ICU. By Sunday evening this had reached the point that they didnt' think she would make it through the night. They were right. She passed at 5:23 am July 30, 3 weeks before her 70th birthday.

Had no clue until day after her surgery that she has had some small strokes in the past year. At some point before surgery I also found out she had a brain anursym that I had not been told about. I had been there all but 4 days of the 11 days. Of those 4 I called everyday and talked to the Surgeon everyday except 2 days. I was kept informed of everything that was going on, but until Sunday afternoon had not accepted that she might not make it. I went on autopilot helping my dad with arrangements etc. I wrote the obituary.....I had never thought I would have to do that. 5 days after she passed I went home to my husband and kids. To get them ready to return for the funeral. Funeral on Tues, back home late Wed. and back to work on Thurs. from that moment on things were crazy with work, and kids returning to school etc. No time to really talk to even my hubby about what happened. Ended up off my antidepressants for a few days which was not good. Major depressive episodes. At night crying for ever, crying in my office in the morning and other times during the day. Try not to in front of the kids since the day of the funeral.

She is the first parent of mine and my husbands to pass. Neither of us was prepared for being hit with this nor how our reactions would be. I lost a brother when I was 10, a niece when I was 17, grandparents in 20's and now at 41 my mom. I find myself wanting to call her and tell her things. Esp. the stuff going on at work. She worked in the same field and "gets it" more than anyone else. I live 4 hours away, so I haven't been able to go back to the cemetary when I feel like I need to. She is buried next to her son and granddaughter. On her birthday my dad made her a birthday cake with 1 candle for the missed birthday. Broke my heart when my 1/2 sister told me. (she lives with my dad). It is hard to function everyday as if the world were "right"---my world is not "right".

[ModKonnie]

In June I found out my mother had 3 anuersysms, 1 near her heart, 1 near her back, and 1 near the groin. They were to big to repair with stents and at least 2 surgeries would be required to do the repairs. The first would be open heart using heart/lung bypass machine. In July she finally had surgery. I live 3-4 hours away. I arrived day of surgery before she went into surgery. She had already had the "happy medicine" it started to wear off because surgery was later than orginally planned. She was surprised to see me and my best friend. (husband had to work) Surgery lasted around 8 hrs. The staff messed up and didn't take us back right away to see her once she was in ICU. We finally got to see her. She was still completely out. So, we left for the night. Short story long, she had had a major stroke during surgery on Thurs. It wasn't until Wed that she opened her eyes and could squeeze your hand. Saturday started out talking about removing breathing tube on Monday....and ended with emergency surgery to remove almost 1/3 of her colon. They kept her sedated due to troubles with breathing. I slept that night (again) in ICU. By Sunday evening this had reached the point that they didnt' think she would make it through the night. They were right. She passed at 5:23 am July 30, 3 weeks before her 70th birthday.

Had no clue until day after her surgery that she has had some small strokes in the past year. At some point before surgery I also found out she had a brain anursym that I had not been told about. I had been there all but 4 days of the 11 days. Of those 4 I called everyday and talked to the Surgeon everyday except 2 days. I was kept informed of everything that was going on, but until Sunday afternoon had not accepted that she might not make it. I went on autopilot helping my dad with arrangements etc. I wrote the obituary.....I had never thought I would have to do that. 5 days after she passed I went home to my husband and kids. To get them ready to return for the funeral. Funeral on Tues, back home late Wed. and back to work on Thurs. from that moment on things were crazy with work, and kids returning to school etc. No time to really talk to even my hubby about what happened. Ended up off my antidepressants for a few days which was not good. Major depressive episodes. At night crying for ever, crying in my office in the morning and other times during the day. Try not to in front of the kids since the day of the funeral.

She is the first parent of mine and my husbands to pass. Neither of us was prepared for being hit with this nor how our reactions would be. I lost a brother when I was 10, a niece when I was 17, grandparents in 20's and now at 41 my mom. I find myself wanting to call her and tell her things. Esp. the stuff going on at work. She worked in the same field and "gets it" more than anyone else. I live 4 hours away, so I haven't been able to go back to the cemetary when I feel like I need to. She is buried next to her son and granddaughter. On her birthday my dad made her a birthday cake with 1 candle for the missed birthday. Broke my heart when my 1/2 sister told me. (she lives with my dad). It is hard to function everyday as if the world were "right"---my world is not "right".

Grievinggoatwoman,

I am so very sorry you've lost your mother. You may be on autopilot for awhile, but eventually, the fog will start to clear and pieces of "right" will begin to filter through. Your world has suffered a profound loss, and your life has been shattered. At this point, now that some of the numbness has worn off, you may be experiencing physical fatigue, anger, irritation, intense fear, loneliness even surrounded by other loved ones, and deep anguish. All of those things are normal, although knowing that doesn't probably help much.

Would taking some personal time off of work help? Are you eating and sleeping okay? Are you trying to do to much right now? Emotional stress can take its toll physically, so you may need to slow down a bit. How about talking to others? Are you sharing your feelings with friends and family? What about your kids--are they talking? Talking is the best "medicine" for grieving. Perhaps joining a self help group could also help.

We will be here for you,and we are more than happy to listen to you talk.

ModKonnie