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Afraid to post here... Newbie (LC ment)


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*Warning Living Children Mentioned* I know that hurts some people to read about someone elses living children (2nd paragraph only)

Hello, my name is Melissa and I am new here. I am not new to loss tho, I have lost so many people I love over the years, but the most profound and deep losses stem from September 28th 2003 to January 4th 2004. I lost 3 people I love, and I almost lost a 2nd child in November of 2003. It all started with my son Jacob, I was very much pregnant with him, when I lost him. I went to the doctor and she couldn't find his heartbeat. This was not unusual, the same thing happened with my other 2 living children so I went in for an ultrasound, like I did the previous 2 times. As usual I watched the techs face for clues, and her expression was sad. I saw a couple tears stream down her cheek and I knew. I was directed back to the doctors office and even tho I knew what was coming I still "lost it". I was told to go to the hospital and be induced. The whole thing was so traumatic I suffer from PTSD. After Jacob was born he was put in a cardboard box on a shelf in the nursery. That traumatized me even more, a cardboard box?? After 1 day I went home, made his funeral arrangements and had him cremated. His ashes were buried... I still look at his pics... Two days later I was passing huge clots (sorry TMI) and I called my doctor and was directed back to the hospital where I stayed another 2 days. (This part bring me to tears every time I write it please excuse any spelling errors).. The doctor I saw was a family practice DR who was trained to deliver babies, so while I had one main doctor, if she was off duty someone else would see me. The 2nd day I was there a doctor from the practice came to see me. Apparently he was an idiot and said the following "what happened? Didn't you want the baby" hinting that I did something to kill my own child! I wanted this baby so badly, this might sound strange but from the time I was 5 months and on I talked to him every night, there were times I would talk to him for 2 hours just telling him about our lives and his brothers, I WANTED HIM! It will be 9 years Sept 28th... This is a horrible month... Anyways shortly after the doctor left, and after I cussed him out and threw my water pitcher at him, a nurse came in, she heard me going off, waited for the doc to leave and came in. This nurse didn't come in for a medical reason, she came in cause she knew what I was going through, she had a still born baby too. I bawled and she held me and told me her story. We both cried and hugged each other tightly. We laughed when she made a derogatory remark about the doctor.

November 15-December 12 2003- In addition to my Jacob, I also have 2 living boys. A 15 year old and a 10 year old. Back in '03 my son James was 1 1/2. He was born with jaundice, and Tracheomalacia. Tracheomalacia is when the windpipe collapses on itself making breathing loud and sometimes labored, he was at a high risk for SIDS. He wore an Apnea monitor for a long time. His breathing was so loud you could hear him with the door closed and the TV on while sitting in a different room. One night at about 9pm I was watching TV and the loudness stopped I checked on him and he was not breathing. I scooped him up and I must have startled him cause he began to breath again. I rushed him to the ER, they looked in his throat and it was nearly swollen shut, it was his tonsils. His pulse OX while sleeping was in the 70's. He was transferred to the RMCH at Loyola University Chicago (excellent hospital). His ENT did an emergency tonsillectomy. He had a lot of trouble coming off the vent after the surgery and was transferred to the CCICU. He woke up and yanked out the breathing tube. He was breathing fine and was transferred of the intermediate floor for kids who are still at risk but don't need to be in the ICU. My boyfriend left for the night (we alternated nights there) within 5 minutes James started to snort, I had bugged staff with questions all day that day, but I ran and told them he is snorting, very fortunate for us just as this was happening his group of doctors (ENTS) were coming in to see him. I sat in his room in hysterics, they made me leave. My son coded, they got him breathing again and rushed him to the CCICU. I knew that moment that, if he was to die I was gonna kill myself. I had planned it out and I had the "instruments" to do it right then and there. He was on the vent for 2 weeks, they tried weining him but that didn't work out too well. But after 3 weeks he was taken off and a week after that sent home. He still has tracheomalacia, and he has a whole host of medical problems which have landed him in the ICU as recently as last May...

December 1st 2003... A friend, a close favored friend committed suicide, this person was extremely close to my son, and loved him with all his heart. He was there the night James coded. We think it's possible that he killed himself thinking James was gonna die. He was found in his aunts home with a dozen Fentanyl patches on his body, bunches of pills laid out and cocaine on the table. He stroked out and died, they didn't find him till 2 days later. Absolutely devastating!

January 4th 2004- My dad died of sepsis, he had an aneurysm fixed and somehow got an infection. He battled liver cancer and was finally feeling better when this infection happened. This was the last straw, I had a total breakdown and turned to drugs. I admit I still pop pills to feel better, but not nearly as bad as when this happened.

I have been able to move forward tho, I can think about all of them and smile. I don't cry much anymore...

That's my story, again please forgive my spelling, I am not an idiot, just wrote this while crying and can't seem to locate a spell check...

I am kinda apprehensive about sharing this story with others. So many times I wrote this out in vain, just to have absolutely no one care... I don't think I could handle that... Please don't feel the need to comment just because of what I just wrote, it's just how I feel, reading this will be all I need to feel like people care... :)

I am so very sorry for the reason your here, HUGS!

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Dear Melissa

I am so glad that you found our Grieving site and had the courage to share your pain and sadness. I lost my only child, Stephen 5 years a go to this web site saved my sanity ad life. Please keep coming back here often, share your pain, thoughts memories and know that you are not alone . We who live with these losses understand as few others can

In my thoughts.

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