immense sadness

[jennifersmom]

Hi,

I am new to this site. Today is 6 months since I lost my precious daughter. She was my world, my everything, my child and my best friend. I miss her so, so much and most of the time don't know how I am suppose to do this thing called life without her. She suffered from pneumonia on and off for the last 10 months of her life which leaves me so heartbroken. She was in the hospital a total of 4 months and the last 3 months was so sick she stayed with me and her dad as she could not care for herself. This really depressed her because she was so independent and adventurous, did not like sitting around. In the end, our main form of entertainment was watching movies and going out to eat. We were so, so close and spent so much time together. I just feel so lost and lonely without her. All birthdays and holidays were the 3 of us (she was also our only child). Jennifer had just turned 33 and had so many plans, her life was just beginning. And a part of me is so angry that her life was cut so short because she just could not get rid of the pneumonia, she was on so many antibiotics and had no immune system left. She did go peacefully, no struggle and I am thankful for that. I use to think everything happens for a reason and now I don't know. I use to think when it is your time, its your time and now I don't know. My b-day is Saturday and I am not looking forward to it because she is not here. She was always the one to make sure dad got flowers and they went shopping for gifts and cake. I have such a wonderful husband but I don't even feel like I am a good wife anymore even though he tells me I am. I just want my daughter and that is not gona happen. I am just so depressed, I feel every single emotion except any kind of happiness. I think about her constantly. I know I am just babbling, just so much in my head.

Thanks for listening

[makenzieh]

I also came to this site for the first time today. It has been 2 yrs since my son died, and I feel so much the same as you. It is so hard to try to put forth the effort to live. Happiness is not remotely near for me. I do not feel I am good for anyone now. I am broken. I work at getting better, but it does not take much to knock me back down. I am so sorry you are also feeling this pain that few can understand. I know we must get better, but it will not come quickly. Time is meaningless in learning how to live without your child. It is full of pitfalls, getting back up, and falling back down. Joy will forever be a thing of the past I think......Joy comes to a Mom when all of her children are ok. I will keep you in my prayers as we face this ordeal together.......

[lulla27]

Hi,

I am new to this site. Today is 6 months since I lost my precious daughter. She was my world, my everything, my child and my best friend. I miss her so, so much and most of the time don't know how I am suppose to do this thing called life without her. She suffered from pneumonia on and off for the last 10 months of her life which leaves me so heartbroken. She was in the hospital a total of 4 months and the last 3 months was so sick she stayed with me and her dad as she could not care for herself. This really depressed her because she was so independent and adventurous, did not like sitting around. In the end, our main form of entertainment was watching movies and going out to eat. We were so, so close and spent so much time together. I just feel so lost and lonely without her. All birthdays and holidays were the 3 of us (she was also our only child). Jennifer had just turned 33 and had so many plans, her life was just beginning. And a part of me is so angry that her life was cut so short because she just could not get rid of the pneumonia, she was on so many antibiotics and had no immune system left. She did go peacefully, no struggle and I am thankful for that. I use to think everything happens for a reason and now I don't know. I use to think when it is your time, its your time and now I don't know. My b-day is Saturday and I am not looking forward to it because she is not here. She was always the one to make sure dad got flowers and they went shopping for gifts and cake. I have such a wonderful husband but I don't even feel like I am a good wife anymore even though he tells me I am. I just want my daughter and that is not gona happen. I am just so depressed, I feel every single emotion except any kind of happiness. I think about her constantly. I know I am just babbling, just so much in my head.

Thanks for listening

HI robins. I'm new to the site too and sadly new to grieving. I lost my 14 year old son 3 weeks today - it's been almost to the minute three weeks since I said good morning to him and then about four hours later, he was in hospital as the result of a head injury while longboarding. I am just putting one day at a time - am dreading the first day of school when Jack's bus drives right by his stop. His birthday is on the 27th of October and I'm terrified for that. He was so excited to turn 15 and finally be able to get a part-time job. His little 9 year old brother misses him terribly. Last night after watching my husband and I cry, he went into Jack's room and put on a bunch of Jack's clothes and said I'm going to look like Jack! We assured him that we wanted him to look like himself - that he was perfect! - but how sad that the little boy felt that it was his role or responsibility to try to bring back his brother for us. I worry about the damage that we do to him in our grieving. We did just start professional grief counselling - one session - so I hope that that will help us to move through this horrible journey in a healthy way. Part of me wants to stay curled up in this grief and just leave his room the way it is, his clothes in his drawers, his homework on his shelves.... but another part of me feels that i owe it to my other son, my husband, and even myself to try to move on. Why then does it feel like a betrayal to even try to move on? Last night we went to a family corn roast because we knew our little guy would have a great time - and he did. We had to leave early because the conversations and laughter were just so overwhelming. People were supportive with hugs and everything, but I just resented them their happiness AND resented that everyone there had their children, all of them! Even adult children! And I have to lose my baby?? I was always a diligent mother, kids take vitamins, eat well, wear life jackets out on the boat, blah blah blah and then Jack goes for a skateboard ride around the block with his best friend (no helmet ) and I lose him forever. I don't understand the fairness. I resent the whole world right now, even though I know that's no way to live or to be for my family. I pray that time and talk and reflection will help me move forward, but I read so many other peoples' testimonies who are much further past their child's passing and think - oh no! It doesn't change... I pray that it can and that it will for those around me and for myself. I know that Jack would be devastated to see us all wilt away and be unhappy, but sometimes even that isn't enough of a motivation. I guess I'm just saying that I know how you feel and wish that I didn't.

Lulla27

[jennifersmom]

Hi Lulla27,

Thanks for your reply. I have been on other sites with no replies and that only adds to the feeling of being alone in this horrible, horrible place. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. It doesn't seem to matter how old they are, they are always our babies. It has been 25 weeks since I lost my precious daughter, it seems all my days are not good. A better day for me is not crying as much today as I did yesterday. I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone and, thank god for the family I have as my support system that they don't try to tell me they know how I feel. Unless you have lost a child, you don't know. I was told very early on if I just get up and breath then I am doing good. I feel sad for your little one but to be in counseling I'm sure will help. I understand what you mean when you said you went to a corn roast and had to leave because the conversations and laughter became too much. I have become a hermit pretty much (and I wasn't before). Most of the time I am not comfortable out in public by myself and so many times have headed out of the house only to have to turn around and come back home because the tears just start. So alot of errands get done on the weekend when my husband is with me and even then sometimes I have melt down's. I remember not long ago I was out and saw a women with 6 kids. My first thoughts were how come she gets 6 and I can't even have my one. I find myself getting so angry, this has made me an angry person. Without even thinking last week I was at Sams and ended up calling a man an ahole to his face. I mean he was being one but I usually can contain myself. Then 5 minutes later calling this woman a bi@**. It just came out, when I told my husband he said your gona get hit but, my frame of mind is I just don't care. I just had my b-day and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, I missed my baby girl so much. She was always the one to make sure her dad got the cake, flowers, etc. He did a good job but it wasn't the same without her. I am really dreading all the holidays we will be facing soon and her b-day is in dec as well. I have turned my spare room into "Jennifers room" with alot of her favorite things. I have also gone crazy with putting even more pictures around the house than I already had. But I have heard it is OK and normal to do things like that. When you say your son Jack would be upset that you are grieving so. My thoughts are I know my daughter understands as we were so, so close. A relative told me that my tremendous grief is a reflection of my tremendous love, how true. Our lives are forever changed. When my daughter passed, a big part of me just died. I've heard it takes a while to find the new you, so I am letting myself grieve and whoever has a problem, that's there problem. At least we have this site to come to and share what is going on with another mother who understands.

Take care,

robin (forever jennifers mom)

HI robins. I'm new to the site too and sadly new to grieving. I lost my 14 year old son 3 weeks today - it's been almost to the minute three weeks since I said good morning to him and then about four hours later, he was in hospital as the result of a head injury while longboarding. I am just putting one day at a time - am dreading the first day of school when Jack's bus drives right by his stop. His birthday is on the 27th of October and I'm terrified for that. He was so excited to turn 15 and finally be able to get a part-time job. His little 9 year old brother misses him terribly. Last night after watching my husband and I cry, he went into Jack's room and put on a bunch of Jack's clothes and said I'm going to look like Jack! We assured him that we wanted him to look like himself - that he was perfect! - but how sad that the little boy felt that it was his role or responsibility to try to bring back his brother for us. I worry about the damage that we do to him in our grieving. We did just start professional grief counselling - one session - so I hope that that will help us to move through this horrible journey in a healthy way. Part of me wants to stay curled up in this grief and just leave his room the way it is, his clothes in his drawers, his homework on his shelves.... but another part of me feels that i owe it to my other son, my husband, and even myself to try to move on. Why then does it feel like a betrayal to even try to move on? Last night we went to a family corn roast because we knew our little guy would have a great time - and he did. We had to leave early because the conversations and laughter were just so overwhelming. People were supportive with hugs and everything, but I just resented them their happiness AND resented that everyone there had their children, all of them! Even adult children! And I have to lose my baby?? I was always a diligent mother, kids take vitamins, eat well, wear life jackets out on the boat, blah blah blah and then Jack goes for a skateboard ride around the block with his best friend (no helmet ) and I lose him forever. I don't understand the fairness. I resent the whole world right now, even though I know that's no way to live or to be for my family. I pray that time and talk and reflection will help me move forward, but I read so many other peoples' testimonies who are much further past their child's passing and think - oh no! It doesn't change... I pray that it can and that it will for those around me and for myself. I know that Jack would be devastated to see us all wilt away and be unhappy, but sometimes even that isn't enough of a motivation. I guess I'm just saying that I know how you feel and wish that I didn't.

Lulla27

[jennifersmom]

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. It does bring a bit of comfort to know there is another mom who truly understands what it feels like to lose a child. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Yes, it is so hard to live now. For me especially when the day is going really bad and all I want to do is be with my baby girl. I use to want to live to be old but that is a thing of the past. I have a wonderful husband, so supportive. He does grieve but always tells me he is being strong because he can hear Jennifer telling him, you have to take care of mom, dad. She was our only child and had so many plans for the future, so many goals. Pneumonia sucked the life right out of her and it breaks my heart she was so sick most of the last 10 months and really couldn't do much. Jennifer was just so outgoing and it depressed her that she was so sick. Somedays I just get so angry and yell, why couldn't she get over it? When she passed, a huge part of me just died. My husband says we have a huge hole in our hearts now and that is so true. Jennifer would always tell me, "Mom, your the best mom a girl could ever have. You have always been there for me even when I have made poor decisions and loved me unconditionally." I take such pride in that. I would tell her, I may not always agree with your decisions but there is nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you. My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship and it made me even more determined to not do the things that she did that I felt were wrong. Jen and I were so, so close and spent so much time together. We were not only mother, daughter but also best friends (including her dad). It was the three of us. My life had been all about being a good wife and mother. I feel like I was robbed of being a mom. I did read recently that even after your child has passed, you are still a mom. OK but that doesn't make it easier, she is not here.

Take care,

I also came to this site for the first time today. It has been 2 yrs since my son died, and I feel so much the same as you. It is so hard to try to put forth the effort to live. Happiness is not remotely near for me. I do not feel I am good for anyone now. I am broken. I work at getting better, but it does not take much to knock me back down. I am so sorry you are also feeling this pain that few can understand. I know we must get better, but it will not come quickly. Time is meaningless in learning how to live without your child. It is full of pitfalls, getting back up, and falling back down. Joy will forever be a thing of the past I think......Joy comes to a Mom when all of her children are ok. I will keep you in my prayers as we face this ordeal together.......