family struggles following death

[makenzieh]

I am new to this site. I need some advice. My son died 2 years ago by driving head-on into a semi. The thoughts of what he went through that night just haunt me. I do not know if I should use his real name, as many people do not know it was intentional. Which is another horrible part of my story........so often I have to pretend my son died accidentally. I cannot talk about the many years I suffered, watching him suffer. He took a bad fall from a ladder onto cement when he was 29; the migraines began 3 months later. At the end, when he was 41, he lived in a dark closet, never went outside until dark, never was without dark sunglasses and a hat pulled low. He had seen ovver 50 doctors, had 5 surgeries, many chiros, many drugs......there was not one thing he did not try to get well. He had attempted suicide twice before this night. He would tell me he did not want to die, but he could not find a way to live. He felt he was such a burden to his wife and 2 daughters. He could no longer work, and had to sell the business he built on his own, a business he loved and had made so successful by his hard work. My son was so intelligent, and so well-liked by all who met him. A friend to everyone. His wife had come to blame him for his illness.....her way of coping I guess. I saw how awful she treated him the past 3 years. I begged him to live with me...but he only stayed alive for his daughters, and if he could not be with them, he did not want to live. He told me how alone he felt; he wanted to die surrounded by his family, knowing we understood, and feeling our love. But he knew he had to find a way that his girls would think it was accidental. He told me he could not have his girls thinking he was a quitter. I tried every way I could to help him, and not have him leave. I talked with him 2 days before he died, and he told me how much his wife hated him. How she blamed him for being so ill. She told him he was lazy. He vomitted 41 times one day from a migraine!! My son was never lazy a day in his life. Everything he touched, he turned into a success. He graduated college with a 4.0 GPA. Over 1000 people came to his visitation. He was loved by so many. But he lived with endless pain, criticism, and hatred. I know in my heart his wife said yet another horrible thing to him the night he chose to leave. He was so close to the edge already. His wife had told me 2 months before this that she was planning to leave and take the girls.......

And now she has total control over the girls. She has been partying and spending money like crazy since he died.....even bought herself a convertible right after he died. I have had to be very nice to her this whole time, as I know she can keep the girls from us if she chooses. Now she insists we invite her newest boyfriend to all family things. She showed up at our annual camping week-end with him...................and our family has been torn apart since then. My daughter told him to leave, and now we are told we cannot see the girls. I went a little crazy from all of this, and took a bunch of pills. I realized how dumb that was, and called for help; spent 2 days in the hospital. Now I feel shaky, traumatized and lost. The loss of my son, horror of knowing I was going to lose him,...... hurt of hearing his pleas for help, ......................pain of watching his wife celebrate his death, ----and now losing my granddaughters............................... I thought nothing could be worse than hearing he was gone...............but the continuing trauma she causes our family is beyond belief. She actually enjoys throwing her happiness in our faces. We want her to go on and be happy; but we do not need to meet or invite into our homes every man she has in her life. I had told her a year ago I would want to meet anyone who was going to be a permanent part of her life.............but she says after 2 years, we can just accept whoever she decides to bring. If she is not invited, the girls do not get to come either. I think I could endure this in order to see the girls. But my dughters refuse to let her do this to our family............it is very painful to watch her hanging on men. It is upsetting to see what it does to my granddaughters.

Do any of you have in-laws who are adding to the tremendous grief a parent has to endure? Any advise? I do not see a good ending for this.

[westleysmom]

First of all, I am so sorry for your losses, it sounds like there have been a lot and they keep coming. My son Westley was only 20 years old when he died in 2010, so I don't have any in-law issues to deal with. Please come to the Loss of Adult Child thread and post there, that is the thread that has the most active bunch of people on it and in the past 2 years, I have found much comfort and solace there with others who truly understand what it is like to lose a child. It sounds as if your beautiful son suffered for many years and I am sure that you suffered with him during that time and you are so very tired and sad and weary. I am sorry that your DIL has made your grief more painful with the way she has dealt with it and I hope that she will relent and let you have contact with the girls. There are others on the Loss of Adult Child thread that have dealt with this kind of thing and maybe they would be able to offer you support and advise how to handle. This is not how we ever envisioned our lives when we had those precious little babies, is it? It is hard to believe how wrong things can go, but there is still goodness in life, it is just harder to find. I'm sorry I can't be more help, but just wanted to tell you that I read your post and you're not alone. Hugs to you

[Angel'sSon]

Angelfox, you have really had a lot to go through. My son, 30 yrs. old shot himself one month and 3 days ago. Leaving behind a wife and baby girl. I want to say it was an accident, but he shot himself in the head. He had everything going great for him. I did notice that he had started drinking hard liquour. I have my oldest daughter that lives out of the state not speaking to me and I can't see the grandkids because she didn't have a part in planning the funeral or picking out a headstone. I was told to choose between my daughter in law or my daughter. I can't do that! I went crazy too and tried to end my life. My boyfriend found me in the bathroom and I spent 5 days in the mental part of the hospital. I know that was wrong of me to do, but it seemed right at the time. I really hate what you have been through and it's so sad for your grandchildren. I don't have the right words, but I know you will find help on here. With my son only being gone a month, I'm still depressed and trying to deal with it. Also, having so many unanwered questions! Your life is hurting me so bad and I wish I could do something. You've had so much to deal with. Please just keep posting on here and know that you are not alone!!!

[Angel'sSon]

I am new to this site. I need some advice. My son died 2 years ago by driving head-on into a semi. The thoughts of what he went through that night just haunt me. I do not know if I should use his real name, as many people do not know it was intentional. Which is another horrible part of my story........so often I have to pretend my son died accidentally. I cannot talk about the many years I suffered, watching him suffer. He took a bad fall from a ladder onto cement when he was 29; the migraines began 3 months later. At the end, when he was 41, he lived in a dark closet, never went outside until dark, never was without dark sunglasses and a hat pulled low. He had seen ovver 50 doctors, had 5 surgeries, many chiros, many drugs......there was not one thing he did not try to get well. He had attempted suicide twice before this night. He would tell me he did not want to die, but he could not find a way to live. He felt he was such a burden to his wife and 2 daughters. He could no longer work, and had to sell the business he built on his own, a business he loved and had made so successful by his hard work. My son was so intelligent, and so well-liked by all who met him. A friend to everyone. His wife had come to blame him for his illness.....her way of coping I guess. I saw how awful she treated him the past 3 years. I begged him to live with me...but he only stayed alive for his daughters, and if he could not be with them, he did not want to live. He told me how alone he felt; he wanted to die surrounded by his family, knowing we understood, and feeling our love. But he knew he had to find a way that his girls would think it was accidental. He told me he could not have his girls thinking he was a quitter. I tried every way I could to help him, and not have him leave. I talked with him 2 days before he died, and he told me how much his wife hated him. How she blamed him for being so ill. She told him he was lazy. He vomitted 41 times one day from a migraine!! My son was never lazy a day in his life. Everything he touched, he turned into a success. He graduated college with a 4.0 GPA. Over 1000 people came to his visitation. He was loved by so many. But he lived with endless pain, criticism, and hatred. I know in my heart his wife said yet another horrible thing to him the night he chose to leave. He was so close to the edge already. His wife had told me 2 months before this that she was planning to leave and take the girls.......

And now she has total control over the girls. She has been partying and spending money like crazy since he died.....even bought herself a convertible right after he died. I have had to be very nice to her this whole time, as I know she can keep the girls from us if she chooses. Now she insists we invite her newest boyfriend to all family things. She showed up at our annual camping week-end with him...................and our family has been torn apart since then. My daughter told him to leave, and now we are told we cannot see the girls. I went a little crazy from all of this, and took a bunch of pills. I realized how dumb that was, and called for help; spent 2 days in the hospital. Now I feel shaky, traumatized and lost. The loss of my son, horror of knowing I was going to lose him,...... hurt of hearing his pleas for help, ......................pain of watching his wife celebrate his death, ----and now losing my granddaughters............................... I thought nothing could be worse than hearing he was gone...............but the continuing trauma she causes our family is beyond belief. She actually enjoys throwing her happiness in our faces. We want her to go on and be happy; but we do not need to meet or invite into our homes every man she has in her life. I had told her a year ago I would want to meet anyone who was going to be a permanent part of her life.............but she says after 2 years, we can just accept whoever she decides to bring. If she is not invited, the girls do not get to come either. I think I could endure this in order to see the girls. But my dughters refuse to let her do this to our family............it is very painful to watch her hanging on men. It is upsetting to see what it does to my granddaughters.

Do any of you have in-laws who are adding to the tremendous grief a parent has to endure? Any advise? I do not see a good ending for this.

After just losing my son, I don't know if my daughter will ever talk to me or let me see my grandkids again. So, you aren't alone in this. It just adds more to a person's life and It's not good!!!

[makenzieh]

Through lots and lots of prayer, a new antidepressant, and some counselling, I have now been able to look at my situation in a new way. I know the loss of a husband is much different than the loss of a son; I know my daughter in law lost her husband many years ago while my son was slowly overtaken by the severe migraine disease that afflicted him. They did so love one another at the beginning, and she made him so happy. He lived to see and enjoy 2 of the sweetest girls on the face of the earth----his daughters. And so I do know my daughter in law will one day be forced to face the reality of her loss...... and that today, the pain of that reality is just too much for her. She has 2 girls to raise on her own, a house to run alone. a demanding job, and a schedule that is unbelievably busy. And so I have put my own selfish concerns and reactions aside....................she is truly a good person, and doing the best she can with what she has been given. My role is to help her as much as I can, to be there for those girls, and not to judge in any way.....................THANK YOU TO GOD FOR OPENING MY EYES AND MY HEART. Grief is a debillitating condition...............only prayer, good friends, and forums like this keep us from giving up completely. I pray all of the parents here will find peace and acceptance, and allow yourselves to see all that remains for each of us....................until the day we are reunited with our precious children!!