Missing Lance

[Guest grievingperson]

I'm new to this site.  I have been reading some of the messages posted looking for answers on coping with the loss of my husband 10 weeks ago.  We would have celebrated our 23rd anniversary on Feb. 16th.  He was involved in a fatal auto accident 3 days before christmas.  We have to wonderful children a daughter 19 and a son who just turned 16 three weeks before the accident.  This has been so difficult for all three of us.  My son is finally talking to me a little about his feelings, my daughter is very open with me.  As for myself I'm just trying to get through the day and be strong for the kids.  I have never felt such pain in my life before, I feel like someone just ripped part of my heart and sole out of my body.  Lance and I met when I was 19 and I'm now 46. I have come to except that he is not coming home, but now I just miss him so so very much.  I just feel somedays there is nothing to look forward to, so many of our plans and dreams for when the kids were grown and it was just the two of us again, they're all gone in an instant.  I am thankful that I have my kids and because of them I'm able to keep moving.

 

[gone4evr]

Missinglance,

     You have come to the right place.  I lost my husband 7 weeks ago, massive heart attack while playing basketball.  Just knowing that there are others out there that are going through or have been through this experience is very helpful.  You are not alone.  I am 43, I have a 5 year old to raise.  You don't expect to lose a spouse at this age, at least I know I didn't.  You expect to grow old with your husband, to dance at your children's wedding, to bounce grandchildren on your knee, to retire together.  I always felt "this could never happen to me."  Well obviously it can, because it did.  It turns your world completely upside down.  Like you, we had dreams and big plans for the future and suddenly all those dreams are gone, poof, into thin air.  I find that most people don't understand, unless they have been down this path and have lost a spouse.  People on the outside, just expect you to move on, but unfortunately it's hard to move on when you don't know where to begin.  Everyone here is so kind and sympathetic, they understand exactly what you are feeling, what you are going through.  Listen to them, they are very wise.  I wish I could help you, but like you I am just beginning down this path as well.  I am discovering that the more you talk about it, the better it feels.  Sort out your feelings here, bounce them off the members of this board.   What you are feeling is part of a process and you have to go through each step.  You need to be gentle with yourself.  The pain you are feeling is normal.  I feel it too, as does everyone here.  It is a pain unlike any pain you have ever felt, it's an emptiness a feeling like a part of you is missing or lost.  When that goes away?  I don't know.  What I do know is if you are open about it and talk about your feelings, it does start to ease.  I am real sorry for your loss.  I will keep you in my prayers. 

Sandy 

[qubert]

Missinglance,

Sandy is so right. For me it has been 2 months and 4 days. I only get through each day coming here reading, posting has been very helpful. The other thing I do now is journal every day I write to my husband and telling him everything I would if he was here with me. He was my world for 24 years. I sit here and can't believe it is me writting that my husband is dead it is just so wierd.... Lots of hugs go out to you and your children

Susan

[Guest grievingperson]

Sandy,

I too am sorry for your loss.  I have picked up several books recently on dealing with the wide range of emotions that I'm feeling and on helping my kids to deal with their feelings as well.  We have been attending church pretty regularly to find comfort and strength there as well.  When I was looking for grief support I stumbled on to this site I have found it to be very comforting to know that others can relate to the feelings we are experiencing. 

Some days I think that I will be okay and other days I just don't know.  Just this morning I was getting ready for work and had to pull my dresser drawer all the way out to get something that had fallen behind, when I did the drawer under mine had all of his summer shorts in it.  Oh what a sinking feeling. 

Thank you for your kind words.  I too will keep you and 5 year old in prayer.

Denise

[Guest grievingperson]

Susan,

Thank you also for your support.  I picked up a journal last night to put my thoughts and feelings down and to write to Lance.  I had been keeping a small calendar with little things to remember each day since everything seems to be so foggy for the past few months.  It really scares me sometimes when people ask me about things in the last two months I honestly can't remember things very well.

I know how you feel when you say that it is weird to think or say that your husband is dead.  I have a very difficult time with that especially using the word widow.

Thank you again for your encouraging words.

Denise

[gone4evr]

Missinglance:

    Thought I'd check in with you to see how you are doing.  I noticed that you haven't been posting very much lately.  I find it really helps to come here and read some of the posts.  I think it helps just knowing that others are going through what we are going through, especially when everyone on the outside keeps telling us it's time to move on.  Just remember, they don't understand what you are going through and what you are feeling is normal and ok. 

Sandy

    

[Guest grievingperson]

Hi Sandy,

I have actually been posting on daily strength for the past few weeks.

How are you doing.  I have been going to a greif support group for the past month.  It does help to talk and be with others that can understand the emotions and feelings that we all experience.  Im starting to notice that a lot of the people that said they would be here for me if needed to talk or cry or scream are getting back to their normal routines and are uncomfortable talking to me now.  Maybe they think that since it has been 3 1/2 months that I should be settling in and moving on.  It's just getting more difficult now that the initial shock has worn off and the reality has hit me head on he's not ever coming home.  I'm sure you are probably running into some of this too.

Lots of Hugs.

Denise

[crazylady]

Hi,

I lost my husband Neil on New Years Eve to Cancer. He got sick in June 07 so we only had six months before he died.

He felt so ill during that time, he had 5 sessions of Chemo and although it helped some of his symptoms it made him very weak and feel very ill.

He couldn't accept what was happening and couldn't speak about it and was very scared.

I felt so useless because i couldn't take away his pain and felt guilty because i was not ill, if that makes sense. It is so devastating to face something like this.

I gave up my job as soon as he was diagnosed just so that we could be together, and to look after him, i'm so glad i did that because time was so short. 

I miss him so much and know just how you feel,  because when i first lost him i just felt numb, but now i cry very easily and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

you are right when you say that people seem to think you are ok, i guess that no one understands unless they have been through it themselves. I have a good family unit and they are there for me whenever i need them, but i just feel alone.

My whole life has changed and there are  times i wish i wasn't here anymore, but i know he would not want me to be that way, so i struggle on in the hope  that one day things will get better.

I hope they do for you too.

 

 

[gone4evr]

It will be three months for me next week.  I still get tearful at times.  I am better able to function and enjoy things that I am doing.  I find that the busier that I am the less I dwell on it.  But there are times that I need to be alone to cry or to write letters.  My brain still gets foggy, but nothing like it use to.  I really have to push myself with my studies.  I can't keep myself focused for very long.  Like you, the initial shock has worn off.  I still wish that I would wake up from this nightmare at times or wish that this was a nightmare.  I know it isn't but I still wish it was a nightmare.  Remember the show Dallas, where Bobby (who is supposedly dead) makes his come back in the shower?  Well, I wish that would happen. 

I was always a very confident person, but not anymore!!  My confidence has really been shaken.  I still don't stay at home alone at night.  My mom comes and stays with us.  I was telling my dad that I almost want to get a German Shepard, that maybe I'd feel a little safer.    My little sheltie would greet a stranger at the door and show them where all the valuables are!  There isn't a protective bone in her body!  I shouldn't feel this way but for some reason I feel very insecure right now.  Very vulnerable I guess is more the word.  I don't mind being here during the daytime by myself.

I have an appointment to design my husband's headstone.  I think when the stone is placed then the reality will really hit hard.  I'm dreading that.

Sandy

[Guest grievingperson]

Hi Sandy,

I just finished designing my husbands headstone I should be getting the final proof in a few days.  I am putting his picture on it at the request of my father-in-law since he is helping with the $ needed to put it together.  Our children like the photo and I just want to honor my husband the best way that I can.  Last night I received a call from my mother-in-law (his parents divorced when he was a senior in High School, long story) she really hasn't contacted the kids or myself since Dec. right after the accident and only came over the day of the funeral and a 5 min. stop the 2nd week in Jan.  So I tried to reach out to her to see how she was doing in Jan. and she was very short with me.  I decided it was best to let it go because she only tells me what she thinks I'm doing wrong.  Anyways I've been praying for his family and their pain too. I thought that maybe she was calling to check on us.  Not a chance instead she called to chew me out for putting his picture on the head stone and I said that I didn't understand what harm there was in putting his picture on the stone.  Our children want it and he is their father, I want it he is my husband and I go to the cemetary weekly to bring flowers and talk to him and cry sometimes too just to be near him that way I can see his smiling face.  Anyways there were a few more words exchanged which really upset me, basically trying to minimize my feelings and loss compared to hers.  I understand that he was her son too.  This kind of stuff doesn't need to go on.  It's senseless.

Enough rambling, yes it will be hard designing the headstone especially when you view the proof.  I cried because this says it all.

I'll be thinking of you this next week when you go through the 3 month mark.  I'm at 3 1/2 months now.  Like you I am having some better days and haven't stayed alone at night its just to hard.  My 19 year old daughter has actually been sleeping in my room with me, when she is home, I guess she feels some comfort in that. Day time alone is okay because there is always plenty to do.  We have 3 large dogs and they do offer a sense of security.  I used to have a sheltie he was the neatest dog.  I too find it hard to stay focused on things.  I had signed up for a class at the Jr. college but realized I wasn't ready yet just couldn't concentrate.  Work is hard enough staying focused.

In time we will get stronger just not sure how long it will take.

Hugs to you and your family.

Denise 

[Guest grievingperson]

Hi Sandy,

I just finished designing my husbands headstone I should be getting the final proof in a few days.  I am putting his picture on it at the request of my father-in-law since he is helping with the $ needed to put it together.  Our children like the photo and I just want to honor my husband the best way that I can.  Last night I received a call from my mother-in-law (his parents divorced when he was a senior in High School, long story) she really hasn't contacted the kids or myself since Dec. right after the accident and only came over the day of the funeral and a 5 min. stop the 2nd week in Jan.  So I tried to reach out to her to see how she was doing in Jan. and she was very short with me.  I decided it was best to let it go because she only tells me what she thinks I'm doing wrong.  Anyways I've been praying for his family and their pain too. I thought that maybe she was calling to check on us.  Not a chance instead she called to chew me out for putting his picture on the head stone and I said that I didn't understand what harm there was in putting his picture on the stone.  Our children want it and he is their father, I want it he is my husband and I go to the cemetary weekly to bring flowers and talk to him and cry sometimes too just to be near him that way I can see his smiling face.  Anyways there were a few more words exchanged which really upset me, basically trying to minimize my feelings and loss compared to hers.  I understand that he was her son too.  This kind of stuff doesn't need to go on.  It's senseless.

Enough rambling, yes it will be hard designing the headstone especially when you view the proof.  I cried because this says it all.

I'll be thinking of you this next week when you go through the 3 month mark.  I'm at 3 1/2 months now.  Like you I am having some better days and haven't stayed alone at night its just to hard.  My 19 year old daughter has actually been sleeping in my room with me, when she is home, I guess she feels some comfort in that. Day time alone is okay because there is always plenty to do.  We have 3 large dogs and they do offer a sense of security.  I used to have a sheltie he was the neatest dog.  I too find it hard to stay focused on things.  I had signed up for a class at the Jr. college but realized I wasn't ready yet just couldn't concentrate.  Work is hard enough staying focused.

In time we will get stronger just not sure how long it will take.

Hugs to you and your family.

Denise 

[gone4evr]

Denise,

     I think my life is jinxed.  I had an appointment set up with an attorney to revise my will.  I got a call yesterday, he died two weeks ago of a brain aneurysm. 

     My brother was informed that the factory that he works out of is closing the first of June and he is going to have to move.  We have all decided that once his house sells that the rest of us (my parents and I) will put our houses on the market and move closer to where he is. 

     The economy here is the pits, so nothing is moving and there are no jobs to be found.  It's pretty dismall here.  I am fortunate, nurses are always in demand which helps.

     Hope you are having a much better week.

Sandy

[Guest grievingperson]

I haven't been on in quite some time.  I did make it through my first year without Lance.  Some days it doesn't seem like a year and others it seems like a life time ago.  Reflecting back to this time last year I can see the progress that I have made.  I really felt as though I couldn't go on without him but had to for our kids.  That is when I knew that I had to get to a support group.  I actually attended 2 different ones.  Both have commented in the past few weeks that I appear to be doing much better.  I hope so, I still ache for him and miss him with all of my heart.  I don't think that will ever change.  I have been able to laugh again at little things.  This week is difficult with Valentines Day and Monday the 16th being my 24th wedding anniversary.  Last year I was still in such a state of shock that I just went through the motions.  This year is very real and Im not sure what to do with Feb. 16th anymore.    I can feel a dark cloud hanging over my head right now as the weekend approaches. 

I hope that this time next year I will be able to see even more progress.

[rodless]

That same dark cloud must be floating in Iowa too. Having a hard time getting my act together. Don't know if it is return to reality from a great vacation, the time of year or Valentine's Day. Guess we all go through these times no matter how long it's been. Helps to know there are others who understand.

 

[gone4evr]

Yesterday was my anniversary.  I find that dark clouds do hang over certain days but I'm definitely a lot better than I was last year at this time.  I celebrated by taking my child out.  We went to a children's museum and out for lunch.  I've decided to make this our special day now.  We talked about the wedding and his dad, but we decided it was going to be our special day from now on.  We honor his dad two days a year, on his birthday and on our anniversary.  

It has been one year for us too.  I can see that have come a long way, but we still have a way to go.

Have a good anniversary, make it a good one.  Remember the day, not what is missing.

Sandy 

[Guest grievingperson]

Thank you Sandy and rodless for your support.   I took some time in the morning to spend at the cemetary.  Then went to dinner with family.  I am trying to honor him like Sandy said on our anniversary and his birthday.  I know that I still have a very long ways to go though.  I get to feeling better and then it hits again.  Last night was hard both of the kids went to a show and just going home to the empty and silent house really gets to me.  Thankfully I haven't had to do to much of that yet but now that my son has his driver's license he will be doing more things too.  His sister is 20, going to college and I don't see much of her these days.  I am going to have to get a hobby.

Sandy I hope that you got through your anniversary ok too!

[gone4evr]

It was still tough.  Not as bad as last year, but I still had my moment.  I took my son to the Children's Museum and out to lunch.  We talked about his dad a little, but I try very hard not to push it onto him.  He still tells me he misses him, but I'm finding his memories of his father are beginning to fade.  This of course breaks my heart and I try to tell him stories about his dad to keep his memories alive.  He had a piece of carrot cake last week at my mom's and he commented how much he loved carrot cake.  My husband's favorite was carrot cake, so I shared that with him.  I just try to keep the little memories alive.

We are slowly moving on with our life.  I am still in school, but hope to finish that up this December.  While I am not dating, I do have someone in my life.  He is very nice and understanding and he adores my son and I.  We're taking it very slow.    I am also working really hard trying to get my house ready to sell once the market improves (if that will ever happen), so we can get some distance from my husband's family.  They have been causing us a lot of problems.  They seem to think they should control my life and have a say in everything that we do. 

Overall though, we are doing pretty good.

[Guest grievingperson]

Carrot Cake, that's neat.  My husband loved carrot cake too!  In fact I stopped by Starbucks before going to the cemetary and picked up a Mocha and a carrot cake bar that was so yummy!

I'm sorry that your husbands memory might be fading with your son.   That is such a hard thing!  How old is your son he sounds very young.

I have to run quickly, have a meeting to go to be back soon.

[gone4evr]

He's only 6.  He was in kindergarten when his dad died.  He has bounced back like a real trooper and my brother and father have stepped in to fill the void of not having a dad.  It's really cute seeing my dad playing hide and seek with him, or they try to scare one another.  He also got him into scouting which has helped a lot.  My brother has also gotten into the act at times and frequently gets my son to climb under the car with him to change the oil or he takes him fishing or out in the woods with him.

He's doing very well, it's just sad when he sits and stares at his dad's picture and then turns and asks me what he was like or when he tells me he can't remember his dad.

Sandy

[gone4evr]

He's only 6.  He was in kindergarten when his dad died.  He has bounced back like a real trooper and my brother and father have stepped in to fill the void of not having a dad.  It's really cute seeing my dad playing hide and seek with him, or they try to scare one another.  He also got him into scouting which has helped a lot.  My brother has also gotten into the act at times and frequently gets my son to climb under the car with him to change the oil or he takes him fishing or out in the woods with him.

He's doing very well, it's just sad when he sits and stares at his dad's picture and then turns and asks me what he was like or when he tells me he can't remember his dad.

Sandy

[Guest grievingperson]

That has to be just heartbreaking when he says that he can't remember him.  I think my son fears that for himself.  He is older but still a worry,  even for me.  I don't want to forget him. 

You had mentioned that you have someone new in your life.  I hope that things work out for you.  I have often thought about what if I met someone new, how would I react.  I think I would probably scare them away.  Not being quite ready to say good-bye to my husband, I still have all of his clothing etc.  The kids and I aren't ready to do that yet.  I'm sure when.  I am happy to say that the relationship with my in-laws has improved.  Last year the only one to stay in contact was my father-in-law and the nieces and nephews.  Mom, brother and his wife and 2 sisters were just so distant.  Just last month things have started to improve.  The sad thing is that not one of them will talk about him and when I bring up a memory of him they just clam up.  I won't though because it helps to talk about and remember him. 

I had to leave quickly earlier this morning.  We had an office meeting.  Things are so slow it's time to start cutting back on hours and possible layoffs at our office.  Counting my boss there are only 3 of us one being my daughter, myself and our office manager.  I know God has a plan for my life just not sure what it is.   So this evening I am going to have to sit down with my budget and see where I can make major cuts.  Really scarey.

 

[gone4evr]

It's nothing serious.  He's just a friend.  I don't think I'm ready for a relationship either.  It's just so hard to think of yourself with someone else.  Like you I still have my husband's clothes hanging in the closet.  It's just nice having a guy to talk to once in a while. 

I wish this economy would straighten out and soon.  I'm down to working one day a week and going to school the remaining four.  While I'm doing well in school, I miss the interaction of my co-workers and I have had to tighten my purse strings a lot.  I'll keep my fingers crossed that you and your daughter don't lose your employment.

Sandy

[Guest grievingperson]

I do miss having a male person in my life to talk to as a friend.  I get together with some of my single girl friends, they are all great friends but it's just not the same.   As for work my boss is trying really hard to find a way to keep us.  I have been with him for 11 years.  In the same office building since 1984.  I worked for another firm in the same building for 10 plus years and the last time the economy took a dive I took time out to stay with the kids.  Tried to come back but the work load just wasn't there, so my current employer needed extra help and I made a slight career change once both of the kids were in school full time.  Who knows maybe this will be the start of something new again.  I will just have to be open to it.

Wishing you a peaceful week.

 

Denise

[Guest grievingperson]

Just an update since February.  Today is Lance's birthday (the 2nd one without him now).  I still miss him very much. I went to the cemetary to leave flowers this morning.  I just called our son about a 1/2 hour ago to see what he was up to.  Said he was at the cemetary right then.  He has gone twice in 2 weeks.  It is sad that a 17 year old boy has to visit his father in the cemetary for his birthday, but I think he is working through his grief now.  For the longest time I really worried about him.  It's his sister that I am concerned about right at the moment.  She will be 21 in 2 weeks.  She has so much anger in her.  I just keep praying for her and asking God to show me the right things to say to help her.  I am feeling better, but still have my moments and days, it has been 20 months now.  I think it is just part of who I am now.

[gone4evr]

Denise,

    You sound like you are doing much better.  It has been 20 months for me as well.  I think about how much life has changed since my husband died.  I'm sure that goes through your mind as well.  I don't go to the cemetery as often as I use to.  It breaks my heart to go there, since I always think of all the things my husband is missing out on.  My child just celebrated another birthday, without dad.   It's hard when they are so little when this happens, they don't understand, and sadly the memories of their father fade away.  While I often sit and tell stories about my husband and there are pictures around, the memories are mine, not my child's memories.  Overall, we are both doing very well.  I now have three more classes left of college.  I am working two jobs, not because I need to, but because I want to.  Neither of the jobs demand too much of my time, they just fill some of my extra hours up.  I find that I keep myself real busy now whether it's working, studying or just having fun with my child.  We have become even closer.  I am also much closer to my parents and a couple friends of mine have been very supportive. 

    I wish I could offer you some advice about your daughter, but I think with time she will come to accept her loss.  She has to go through all of the stages of grief.  She probably thinks about all of the things she misses about her dad and maybe all of the things she wishes her dad were here for.  Girls tend to have a closer relationship with their fathers.    I am very close to my father and the thought of losing him is very frightening.  If her father was anything like mine is, he is her protector, the one she went to for advice, the man she could always count on.  If she is single, she probably dreamed of her dad giving her away at her wedding someday, and now he's not there anymore.  I think it's hard for a girl to lose their dad, whereas for boys it's harder to lose mom.  But that's just my observations.  Give her time, listen to her, be there for her, she'll come around. 

    You hang in there.  We've come a long way!!

Sandy