guilt

[jennifersmom]

I don't know why but these last couple of days I have been feeling so much guilt. It will be 6 months tomorrow that my daughter, my world, passed away. My daughter had just turned 33. Her life was just beginning. She suffered from pneumonia on and off the last 10 months of her life and I am so heart broken because of that. My daughter and I were not only mother and child, but best friends. The last time she was hospitalized was in Jan and she was in there for 2 weeks, 7 days she was on life support. When she got out of the hospital, she came to stay with her dad and me until march because she was so weak and unable to take care of herself. Finally, her and I went back to her apartment on Monday and I stayed until Saturday. I left that Saturday to come back home, get some things done and spend a little alone time with her dad. she asked me when i was leaving if I could stay another night and I told her I would come back in a few days. The plan was for me to come back on Wednesday and spend a few nights (I did this every week so we could have girl time together). My daughter and I would always talk everyday. It was rare that we didn't. On Monday, her and I had a nice conversation and I told her to call me the next day and we would discuss what time I would be over on Wed. Tuesday night I hadn't heard from her and tried calling many times. Then Wed, I tried a few times more, unable to get ahold of her and then went to her apartment. They had to break down her door and that is when she was found, and had passed. Wednesday, around 1:3o, I just got this horrible feeling in my stomach and just started crying. I want to believe this is when she passed. The medical examiner and dectective said there was no struggle she passed peacefully. I don't know why I didn't go over there Tuesday. I don't know why on Wednesday I choose not to see her. I did see them bring her out of her apartment in a body bag and will never forget that image. I use to always feel everything happens for a reason but now I don't know. On the day of her service we choose a closed casket (she was creamated as that was her wish). I choose not to see her that day too. I know I am just babbling, just so much guilt right now, don't know why. Why wasn't I there to hold her?

Thanks for listening

[westleysmom]

I am so sorry for your loss and completely understand your feelings. My son Westley died in his sleep at a friend's house 6 days before he would have turned 21. He still lived at home and was my baby. This was in January 2010. The firsts are very hard and I came to this site around the 6 month mark, which was a very hard time. Mostly I post on the Loss of Adult Child section and there are a lot of wonderful grieving parents there who have become my friends. I don't post as much now as I did at first, but I still check in almost daily to see how everyone is doing. Having someone who understands the grief, guilt, regret, all of the stuff that you are going through, is such a comfort. If you go there, I know you will be welcomed as I was. I usually go straight to that section and miss new people who start new conversations, and I think a lot of the others do too. But I saw your post and wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss and feelings of guilt. It is something that most of us struggle with, we would have done anything for our children and we couldn't save them. My heart to you as you mark 6 months since your terrible loss.

[jennifersmom]

thank you and I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. It doesn't seem to matter how old our child is, they are still our babies. Thank you for letting me know to post under loss of a child. I didn't know as I am new to this site but just submitted a post there.

robins (jennifers mom)

I am so sorry for your loss and completely understand your feelings. My son Westley died in his sleep at a friend's house 6 days before he would have turned 21. He still lived at home and was my baby. This was in January 2010. The firsts are very hard and I came to this site around the 6 month mark, which was a very hard time. Mostly I post on the Loss of Adult Child section and there are a lot of wonderful grieving parents there who have become my friends. I don't post as much now as I did at first, but I still check in almost daily to see how everyone is doing. Having someone who understands the grief, guilt, regret, all of the stuff that you are going through, is such a comfort. If you go there, I know you will be welcomed as I was. I usually go straight to that section and miss new people who start new conversations, and I think a lot of the others do too. But I saw your post and wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss and feelings of guilt. It is something that most of us struggle with, we would have done anything for our children and we couldn't save them. My heart to you as you mark 6 months since your terrible loss.

[jennifersmom]

Westleys mom,

Hi it's robin again. I must be doing something wrong cuz I posted on loss of a child earlier but it doesn't look as though it is showing up there. Can you please help? Thanks

thank you and I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. It doesn't seem to matter how old our child is, they are still our babies. Thank you for letting me know to post under loss of a child. I didn't know as I am new to this site but just submitted a post there.

robins (jennifers mom)

[westleysmom]

Robin-I haven't been able to post much the past week, my husband had some surgery and I have had to try to take care of him and keep my work going on. Add a birthday party for my grandson and my daughter's birthday coming up and there's just been no time for much else. If when you first get to Grieving.com, you see the link to Loss of a Child, click on that. Then usually the first topic is Loss of Adult Child (the first topic is the one that has the most recent posting and changes when somebody posts to another topic, but since Loss of Adult Child has the most active posters, its usually the first topic) Click on Loss of Adult Child link and it will take you to that thread of posts. At the top of the page, there will be a block that says "Add Reply" If you click on it, you get the text box to add your post and at the bottom of the page, it will have Add Reply box, Preview Post box or Cancel. If you click on Add Reply and give it a few seconds, it will add your post to the top of the Loss of Adult Child page and people can see it. Again, I'm sorry I haven't had much time lately and if you ever got a post on there, I didn't get to read it. If you did, I'm sorry I missed it and if you didn't, please try. There are here lately a lot of new members who are trying to find their way through the early days of loss as you are and it is so helpful to know that there are others who understand and can help you through. Hugs to you