Missing my husband deeply. Married 30.5 years.

[darend]

Hello everyone. My name is Diane and I am deeply grieving the loss of my husband. He was my better half, the love of my life. I met him when I was 17 and fell in love with him right away, that night in fact. We were married 6 months after our first date and had our little girl two years later. We shared so much together, good times and bad. Between the two of us, we had a dozen surgeries that we helped each other with. He had a liver transplant in 1999 that worked out well. He has had other surgeries, but that was the biggest one. He was a diabetic for years, but it was controlled well with oral meds. He had some neuropathy in his feet from the diabetes, but otherwise, we though the diabetes was well under control. He was on blood pressure meds, but that too was controlled well. We both became vegan for about a year now. I lost 100 pounds and he lost 50. His spirits were up and he was feeling pretty good. We both saw our endocrinologist every three months, and 7 tubes of blood was done each time. His last round of blood work was on June 26th, and his numbers looked great.

Well, he was complaining for a couple weeks before he passed away that his digestion wasn't right. We both thought it was because we had some things to eat that were outside of our normal diet. He has some trapped gas, diarrhea, and one night some vomiting. Again, we both thought it was because we had some things that upset our digestion, his more so than mine. Well, the night before he passed, we both went to the movies, had some pop corn, watched the Disney movie Brave and we had a good time. He seemed fine. That night he seemed fine. The next morning (the day he passed away - July 2nd 2012), we got up and assembled our breakfast together. He seemed fine. Normally we have breakfast together on most days, but sometimes I have to get right to work for a meeting or for billing days etc. I work out of the house. Well, he said again he was feeling sick, but I didn't think much of it because he had been complaining off an on about his digestion. Normally he would go upstairs to his computer and let the feeling pass, or take some gas med, or sometimes he would lay down in the spare bedroom up stairs. I started my work, I was talking to my daughter. After a while chatting with her, I said to her, honey - I am going to go check on your dad, I didn't hear him go in for a nap and he is not online. Talk to you later. I went upstairs, and I found him passed away in his computer chair. I felt for a pulse or breathing, found neither. I tried a few rounds of CPR to revive him. I called for 911. I looked into his eyes, his eyes were open and there was a blank stair. I was scared that he has passed. He felt cool, but not cold. I was terrorized by the site of my love like that. The cops came quick, paramedics came, and before I knew it I had 5-7 professionals going up and down the stairs for Rick. I did not give up hope, I thought they could use the defibrillator to bring him back. No such luck. The paramedic began to ask me what medical conditions he has and what meds is he on. I told them his conditions and showed them his med tray, I could not hold the tray - my hands were trembling. They left and that horrified me. They said that I would need to call a funeral home to have them come and pick him up. God forbid.

My family and friends were great. My daughter, son in law and two young grand children came and stayed for a couple weeks. I am so thankfull for that, because I think if my daughter was not here, I would have died that first week. There were many times where I woke from my sleep due to not breathing. It scared me, I thought I was going to die.

My husband and I were inseparably close. We did everything together, laughed together, cried together, went places together. We were so much together, as one. I was proud of him and loved him deeply. Now, I find myself feeling lost, in a dark fog. The first six weeks after he passed, I did things constantly, laundry, went through paper work, made many trips to the post office and staples for use of the fax machine or copies. I mowed the lawn, wacked weeds, cared for our four dogs. I took a whole month off of work using vacation time to deal with the shock and impact of what went down.

Now, I find I can't stop sleeping. I am often sleeping 12 hours a day, sometimes more. I am just so drained, and caring about all the things I should be doing with the house etc, right now - I can't give a crap. I returned to work August 2nd, which was a month off from work, but it is a struggle. I have had to call out another 2 PTO days since my return, I am just not functioning well. Honest to God, there are days or nights where I wish God would just take me. My husband and I used to say to each other, I don't want to live in this world without you. We were so close and loved each other deeply. My house feels so empty without him. I can't wait for the time in the next 5 years, I hope, to be able to move out of here and live closer to my daughter. This house is no longer my home, Rick isn't here anymore. This past week, I also have gone way off my diet, just stuffing my face with all kinds of crap to have comfort, even if it is temporary. And gained 10 pounds back in the process - sigh. Back to being good on my diet tomorrow - so pissed at myself.

I started going to church again, praying and asking God to please help me with my grief, that feels like a mountain to me. I have also been reading books, one after another about grief, widow hood, coping with loss etc. Wow, this so hurts. In many ways, Rick and I were loners, we are not big social folks constantly visiting people, but we spent and enjoyed time with each other. I loved time with him.

I am so torn, so unhappy, so tired. My heart goes out to others on this forum that are suffering the loss of someone they adored. It is painful.

What seems to help you with grief? Are there any books you read that you found helped you a lot. I read a while back, a book by Scott Peck, called in Heaven as it is on earth. Loved the book. Book ideas welcome.

[darend]

Also, I forgot to mention that all of the doctors involved, agreed, that Rick passed away from what they called a silent diabetic heart attack. I never knew what this was, I wish I knew before this took him. Please, if you are a diabetic, please ask your doctor to do a periodic cardio screening and exam. I learned that a diabetic patient has a higher risk for a heart condition or attack, and they do not always feel warning symptoms of an oncoming heart attack due to the neuropathy.

[gunnerswife]

So sorry. i to lost my husband we would had been married 32 years in september. We were always together too, yesterday was the first day i was really away from home for long since he died june 21st. I think you need to go to counseling, i wasn't going too but glad some on this board talked me into it. I found mine dead in bed, when he didn't come to drink his cofffee or get on the computer i thought something was wrong.

[widower2]

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with GW that counseling is a good idea. Certainly you have nothing to lose...and if the one you go to isn't working for you, try another. It varies for everyone of course but it helped me a lot to unload a lot which I otherwise had nowhere to unload on. Helping a great deal was that my counselor had suffered an untimely loss, so a lot I didn't have to really explain; she understood.

Sorry I don't have any book recommendations; I tried reading/leafing through numerous ones and they didn't do much for me (but this also varies, some they help more than others).

The 3 things I always say/suggest to people are the counseling, give yourself time, and be gentle to yourself. Best to you.

[val]

Hello, my name is Val and i can so deeply relate to your loss. my husband passed away on july 5 2012. it was sudden , in his sleep. i could not waken him in the m orning, called911 and did CPR to no avail. like you, there were no signs of problems. he was 58. all i know is that we had a great fourth of july and then the next day or overnight he passed. autopsy so far = inconclusive. i have to wait 2-3 months for toxicology to come back. we were together 10+ years.

my heart aches everyday, i have no smiles for anyone. i cry alot although not as constantly as even two weeks ago, for that, i feel guilty, like i am moving on and i don't want to move on without HIM. i have no life without HIM. it is now monday late afternoon, just got home from work which i b arely get through.

i am used to him greeting me with that infectious electric smile and having him help me get my things out of the car. i feel sick to my stomach and have a headache.

i have no idea how to rebuild my life because my life was Jerry-centered. he had a lot of friends and acquaintences but always put me first and foremost. we talked often on the phone during the work day. now my phone hardly rings. we have no children, but a beautiful cat that was so attached to Jerry that the cat is going through its own depression. i cry as i write this. i know what you mean about not having a social network. i don't either. it was always jer and val and jer and val and the cat. and we were perfectly content with that. As for what to read, i do not know. I cannot even focus on TV right now, The chat room here however has helped me talk it out immensely and i would recommend you give it a try. They keep telling me it takes time, but it has only been eight weeks and i still feel dead myself. in fact, i wouldn't mind falling asleep and going to be with jerry. but apparently that is not God's plan for me. why he took my baby away from me i will never understand. i just know i am alone, lonely, feel abandoned, without focus on anything for the future. i get by each day a minute at a time. i have my Faith but even prayer is not helping comfort me at the moment.

Come back here again and post. Many others like us are here going through their losses. through their sharing they have shown me one never forgets but the intense pain eases over time. peace and love to you, val

[darend]

Hello Gunnerswife. I am so sorry for your loss as well. You understand the shock and pain all to well of finding your spouse passed away like that. It is something you can't describe really, but those that have lived through it sure understand. I am glad to meet you on this forum where we can support one another in our sorrow, overwhelm etc. I have been letting my diet go to all hell this past week, just eating and drinking for comfort, but it is only a mask and solving nothing, other than putting weight back on that I worked so hard to loose. Back to eating and drinking healthy tomorrow. Sigh. I just can't stop sleeping in my state of depression. I sleep at least 12 hours a day and still feel tired. I wander around stores, staring at anything - I hate my state of mind right now, many times I don't want to live anymore, but I know I will go on simply because I have family still on earth that I love and cherish, including 2 beautiful grand children. Hugs to you Gunnerwife.

[darend]

Hi Val, thank you for your post, and from what I can see - you had just as much of a hell of a week the first week in July. Total shock, total pain. I find I am tired all the time, can't stop sleeping. I feel so lost without him. Prayers and hugs to you Val.

[darend]

Thank you to all of you, for your kind words and sharing. It helps to talk with others that not only understand, but are going through similar feelings and issues. I hope to be able to provide love and support to each of you, just as much as you are support to me. The devastation I feel in the loss of my husband is many times, unbearable. Many times I feel like I don't want to live. I hate this. I miss him, I feel so lost, so hopeless.