Members darend Posted August 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2012 Hello everyone. My name is Diane and I am deeply grieving the loss of my husband. He was my better half, the love of my life. I met him when I was 17 and fell in love with him right away, that night in fact. We were married 6 months after our first date and had our little girl two years later. We shared so much together, good times and bad. Between the two of us, we had a dozen surgeries that we helped each other with. He had a liver transplant in 1999 that worked out well. He has had other surgeries, but that was the biggest one. He was a diabetic for years, but it was controlled well with oral meds. He had some neuropathy in his feet from the diabetes, but otherwise, we though the diabetes was well under control. He was on blood pressure meds, but that too was controlled well. We both became vegan for about a year now. I lost 100 pounds and he lost 50. His spirits were up and he was feeling pretty good. We both saw our endocrinologist every three months, and 7 tubes of blood was done each time. His last round of blood work was on June 26th, and his numbers looked great.Well, he was complaining for a couple weeks before he passed away that his digestion wasn't right. We both thought it was because we had some things to eat that were outside of our normal diet. He has some trapped gas, diarrhea, and one night some vomiting. Again, we both thought it was because we had some things that upset our digestion, his more so than mine. Well, the night before he passed, we both went to the movies, had some pop corn, watched the Disney movie Brave and we had a good time. He seemed fine. That night he seemed fine. The next morning (the day he passed away - July 2nd 2012), we got up and assembled our breakfast together. He seemed fine. Normally we have breakfast together on most days, but sometimes I have to get right to work for a meeting or for billing days etc. I work out of the house. Well, he said again he was feeling sick, but I didn't think much of it because he had been complaining off an on about his digestion. Normally he would go upstairs to his computer and let the feeling pass, or take some gas med, or sometimes he would lay down in the spare bedroom up stairs. I started my work, I was talking to my daughter. After a while chatting with her, I said to her, honey - I am going to go check on your dad, I didn't hear him go in for a nap and he is not online. Talk to you later. I went upstairs, and I found him passed away in his computer chair. I felt for a pulse or breathing, found neither. I tried a few rounds of CPR to revive him. I called for 911. I looked into his eyes, his eyes were open and there was a blank stair. I was scared that he has passed. He felt cool, but not cold. I was terrorized by the site of my love like that. The cops came quick, paramedics came, and before I knew it I had 5-7 professionals going up and down the stairs for Rick. I did not give up hope, I thought they could use the defibrillator to bring him back. No such luck. The paramedic began to ask me what medical conditions he has and what meds is he on. I told them his conditions and showed them his med tray, I could not hold the tray - my hands were trembling. They left and that horrified me. They said that I would need to call a funeral home to have them come and pick him up. God forbid.My family and friends were great. My daughter, son in law and two young grand children came and stayed for a couple weeks. I am so thankfull for that, because I think if my daughter was not here, I would have died that first week. There were many times where I woke from my sleep due to not breathing. It scared me, I thought I was going to die.My husband and I were inseparably close. We did everything together, laughed together, cried together, went places together. We were so much together, as one. I was proud of him and loved him deeply. Now, I find myself feeling lost, in a dark fog. The first six weeks after he passed, I did things constantly, laundry, went through paper work, made many trips to the post office and staples for use of the fax machine or copies. I mowed the lawn, wacked weeds, cared for our four dogs. I took a whole month off of work using vacation time to deal with the shock and impact of what went down.Now, I find I can't stop sleeping. I am often sleeping 12 hours a day, sometimes more. I am just so drained, and caring about all the things I should be doing with the house etc, right now - I can't give a crap. I returned to work August 2nd, which was a month off from work, but it is a struggle. I have had to call out another 2 PTO days since my return, I am just not functioning well. Honest to God, there are days or nights where I wish God would just take me. My husband and I used to say to each other, I don't want to live in this world without you. We were so close and loved each other deeply. My house feels so empty without him. I can't wait for the time in the next 5 years, I hope, to be able to move out of here and live closer to my daughter. This house is no longer my home, Rick isn't here anymore. This past week, I also have gone way off my diet, just stuffing my face with all kinds of crap to have comfort, even if it is temporary. And gained 10 pounds back in the process - sigh. Back to being good on my diet tomorrow - so pissed at myself.I started going to church again, praying and asking God to please help me with my grief, that feels like a mountain to me. I have also been reading books, one after another about grief, widow hood, coping with loss etc. Wow, this so hurts. In many ways, Rick and I were loners, we are not big social folks constantly visiting people, but we spent and enjoyed time with each other. I loved time with him.I am so torn, so unhappy, so tired. My heart goes out to others on this forum that are suffering the loss of someone they adored. It is painful.What seems to help you with grief? Are there any books you read that you found helped you a lot. I read a while back, a book by Scott Peck, called in Heaven as it is on earth. Loved the book. Book ideas welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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