Members oceanz4me Posted August 22, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2012 To anyone that wants to listen.I spose I just want to get some things out and I just came across this site and thought that this is as safe as any...I'd like to tell my story and my wish is is that there is someone out there with a simalar one that could give me a seed of hope.I met my girl Ange about four years ago in a rehab of all places, and we pretty much hit it off straight away but didn't enter in a relationship for a year later because of the work we needed to do on ourselves.Our relationship was one of honesty and authenticity, a relationship that Ange and myself had never encountered before in our lives, the level of deepness that we operated out of was one to be seen and many of our friends remarked on.Just over a year ago from now, we decided that we were a strong enough engine for a for a family and before we knew it, Ange was pregnant and we were both just overjoyed! in fact, when I saw its little heart beating, I wept with joy for the first time in my life.Ange got to about the three month period and unfortunately, we lost the Baby and we were heartbroken by it but we carried on in our lives loving one another and supporting each other through this.We still very much wanted a family and had this in mind until Ange went to the Doctors for what was just a lingering cough, but later turned out to be stage4 non small cell lung Cancer..... we were gutted, to say the least.In the process of getting diagnosed, we also found out that Ange was five weeks pregnant (Docs thought it was a Tumor) and this just topped things of for me, Ange on the other hand reacted somewhat calmer and with a little more acceptance.So, with an agonising process, we decided to terminate the baby because the Doctors really didn't think Ange would live long enough and the idea of Chemo wouldn't be an option if she was pregnant...this was so hard, the hardest decission I'v ever had to make in my life, and for poor Ange, well, she wasn't even feeling the simptems of the Cancer at this stage so it was tough.Without going into explicit detail, Ange really started to taper around March this year, it was fast, and really didn't give her a break at all, if it wasn't high calcium levels, it was the secondary and other speading Tumors that plagued her with discomfort and later pain like I never EVER want to see someone go through, and as her primary carer, this has really impacted me in a way I wasn't prepared for.Today, I look back, its been three months since she past away and it feels like yesterday...... it feels like everybody stopped to check out the event, but seems to be going about there business as usual and I'm just stuck.....I'm still in it!I just can't help it, every day just seems to be the same if not worse, the images that keep floating through my mind, plus the huge pain of loss and the anger toward God for ochestrating this.Today, I need hope, this I do know that I without, but I just can seem to find it anwhere, and I'v been looking! I'v managed to go through all our things and moove out of the house that we both lived in and I'm just couch surfing for the moment, not attatched to anything because I just don't feel like I belong anywhere.I see councilers once a week and have just started on Antidepresants because of an episode that I had two weeks ago which frightend me.IFor the last Eleven months I'v been in the most amount of pain I have ever been in my life and I'v had enough! it just doesn't let up and it just is getting worse..... people keep saying to me "give it time" but time is giving it to me!I'm stuck in Mud ......I need help, but just can't seem to find the rite sort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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