Members Foardy Posted August 10, 2012 Members Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Hello guys, I stumbled accross this site in the early hours of this morning whilst looking for some help. My fiance died on the 1st July 2012 after being hit by a car outside our home. We had been best friends for 8 years, met when I was 21 and he was 22. I had moved to London for university and he was in the house share where I was staying. We subsequently lived with eachother for years and then our friendship developed into romance and we got engaged on April 29th 2011. Finally moved into our own place in January 2012 and were talking about getting married and starting a family in the next couple of years. I just feel totally shattered and devestated, I can't put into worrds the loss in my life. I have read this in all your forums so I know you guys will understand, he really was my everything. He never made me feel bad, supported me and loved me in a way I never knew was possible. I often thought I was a cruel person or not very nice and this affected me my whole life but he never saw any of that. He was selfless and his only concern was making me happy. I had finally manged to reach a place where that was my only concern too, to make a future for us and to show him that I love him every moment of everyday and then it happened. I feel so confused, every emotion tears through me, the guilt of any bad thing I ever said or did kills me. The lonliness is unbearable. I lost my home too as I could not afford to keep it on my own so that has been more of a struggle as I am currently sleeping in friends living rooms and will proably have to for the next 6 months until I can get finance sorted. It's like everything has been shattered. I grieve for the future we did not have, for the future he has missed out on. I wonder if this had to happen as maybe something even more terrible would have happened to him in the future and this was the kindest things. I am not a religious person, but I do have some belief in a greater meaning of life but trying to figure this one out is impossible. Simon was the love of my life, my best friend, the person I shared a home and bed with for so many years. I am only 29 and he had just turned 30 in May and I don't know what I will ever be able to live a normal life. It seems like such a long time to have to keep going. I have had dark thoughts but I love my mum too much to do that to her. I often think if something happened to her then I would just die. I might not get to see them again but at least this pain will stop. I am so sorry for being negative, but I spend everyday at the moment standing on eggshells around people as I dont want them to feel awkward around me. I don't feel like anyone really understands, they have not suffered this kind of loss and I hope they never do.Simon was the only great thing in my life, the only person I felt comfortable around. The only person who got my humour and I think the only person who ever really made me feel loved in an unconditional way. It took years of friendship for me to be able to develop a relationship and I know I will not have this kind of love again. That is such a sad thought, not that I even want it at the moment but I am young and the thought of being alone forever feels so real at the moment. LIfe is unfair and cruel and why it had to take this wonderful, beautiful man away from so many people who loved him I will never understand.I hope to see Simon again, I'm not sure if I believe we do but until then I am lost. Each day at a time they say, but even that I dont find easy. I just want to stay in bed, sleep and forget that I ever had this life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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