Do you find comfort in visiting the cemetery?

[Dacha]

My mom passed away five months ago. I very often visit her grave. I find some peace and comfort there. I think that I feel more sad when I am at home and think on her then when I visit her grave.

What is your experience? Do you take care of your parent's grave on the regular basis or it is too painful for you?

[josephtmacgregor]

Hi Dacha. Once again, it was nice meeting you in the chat room, and opefully we will chat again soon.

It is strange--just before you had to go, I was going to ask you this same question. Though I am on this site to help me cope with the loss of my brother, I have also lost both my parents and each of their losses was devastating to me. Life is absolutely not the same anymore without my ma, pa, and younger brother, but somehow time passes and life moves on--whether or not we are ready...I guess that is the big struggle; how to move through life after the loss of a loved one. We can never move on, just *through* the pain, I think.

For me, visiting the cemetery is something that brings comfort, as well. When my father died it took me several months to go to the cemetery again after the funeral. I had no idea how to handle the loss, I was so broken. But after I went to the cemetery the first time, as sad as it was to see my father's name written on a gravestone, it did bring me a sense of peace that I had not found or felt before. It was the same way when my mother died, a few years later. But when she passed away, since both our parents were now gone, I went to the cemetery a lot sooner after her death. Now I felt that the cemetery was the only place that brought me any comfort regarding their losses, and as their son I felt like it was also an obligation for me to go "visit them" and, yes, take care of their grave sites. I regret that I no longer live in the same state, but I do return to my hometown at least once or twice each year and visit then. I have other siblings who still live there and are able to "carry the torch" though, in my absence.

With my brother, I felt very differently once he died. I was living out of state at the time (in my hometown) and so I could not visit his grave. For a number of reasons I ended up moving, to the state where he lived and died. I visited his grave on special dates--his birthday, the anniversary of his death, etc. But I could not bring myself to visit him more often than that, a few times each year. It was too painful and strange, I still could not accept that that was my brother's fate. I was not ready to "give in" and admit that my brother was dead. Maybe that was it. Recently since retiring I have been surprised..suddenly I feel like I am drawn to visit him, and I have been going two times a week or so for the past month and a half. Now that I finally have the time and the space to work through the grief, I am doing so, and visiting him has been really helpful for me in this process. I take care of his grave site and I feel very connected to my brother when I am there. Each time I go, it is still just as painful. Again, to see a familiar name written on a gravestone is just devastating. But each time I go, I feel like I am opening up more to the reality that he is gone from this earth, and it is helping me (slowly) to heal. There is nothing that can replace a lost mother..or father..or sibling...or anyone else. And everyone has their own way of coping and seeking comfort after a loss. But for me, to answer your question, yes, I do find comfort in visiting the cemetery.

Take care, and again I am so sorry for your loss

Joe

[Dacha]

Dear Joe, I am very happy that we have made the contact (although maybe it is strange to speak about happiness having in mind what we are living through) and I am sure that we will have chance to share our stories and to help each other in our grieving processes.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings about visiting the cemeteries.

[Daffodilfun]

I have gone to the cemetary a few times since mom died. I find I have a lot of sad moments there. I think of here being down in the hole and it tears me up inside. I know she is not there, but with God. It still gives me terrible grief when I think that I had her dressed in what she liked best and made sure she had slippers and a blanket, plus other things that she loved. Oh, how I want to reach down there, wake her up and have her give me a hug. I miss her so much.