I never imagined

[Leedyaislost]

This sort of venue is foreign to me, but I figured that instead of expecting my friends /family to be equipped to deal with my despondency, perhaps a kindred spirit might understand.

My ex-husband died suddenly on May 27th. Went to drop my daughter off for the weekend, but the doors were locked. We assumed he was asleep. Returned the next morning, as I never heard from him, and knew something was wrong. He would never ignore me, or our 8 year old. He was in the same position as he had been 24 hours earlier, as we could see him through the doors in the bedroom that lead off the porch. He was 6 feet away and hadn't moved. He had just turned 38.

There was no autopsy done, though I was told there would be. His mother is next of kin and didn't have the wherewithal to push for one. She was on the opposite coast on vacation when he died. I told her repeatedly that she needed to make sure one was done. She didn't. He had a history of high BP, but it was controlled by medication. His death certificate reads simply; M.I. He had no heart issues, had undergone nuclear testing in his early 30's. That being said, I miss him like I never knew possible.

I am still in a numb place, I still look for his texts multiple times a day. He saw our daughter every day, without fail. He was a dedicated father. I look for signs of him, but haven't really seen anything that I can be certain is him. Do you think you really get quantifiable "signs"? Or is that a faith based exercise? I'm running out of faith, at 35 years old. We had been together since I was 22, and have only been divorced for less than 2 years. He was my best friend and I can't imagine not hearing his voice ever again, or watching him smile at our daughter's accomplishments.

I'm waiting for it to get better. Sorry for the lengthy post, but how does one describe the horror of losing someone so important, less than halfway through the average life-span?

[naty0123]

I understand about the age thing. My husband died of a heart attack on May 11 at the age of 33. Me and our younger daughter found him. I look for signs all over, I wait to hear ofrsee something and I get nothing... I cry and scream his name out loud but no response. I read the same text from him over and over again. I dont have any voice messages but one. i was mad at myself for not having none. I too am lost without him! I struggle everyday and walk as though I am a zombie. I think all we can do is take one day at a time and that's it, because nothing replaces them...Just have a lot of pain.. unless you have lost someone, noone gets it!

This sort of venue is foreign to me, but I figured that instead of expecting my friends /family to be equipped to deal with my despondency, perhaps a kindred spirit might understand.

My ex-husband died suddenly on May 27th. Went to drop my daughter off for the weekend, but the doors were locked. We assumed he was asleep. Returned the next morning, as I never heard from him, and knew something was wrong. He would never ignore me, or our 8 year old. He was in the same position as he had been 24 hours earlier, as we could see him through the doors in the bedroom that lead off the porch. He was 6 feet away and hadn't moved. He had just turned 38.

There was no autopsy done, though I was told there would be. His mother is next of kin and didn't have the wherewithal to push for one. She was on the opposite coast on vacation when he died. I told her repeatedly that she needed to make sure one was done. She didn't. He had a history of high BP, but it was controlled by medication. His death certificate reads simply; M.I. He had no heart issues, had undergone nuclear testing in his early 30's. That being said, I miss him like I never knew possible.

I am still in a numb place, I still look for his texts multiple times a day. He saw our daughter every day, without fail. He was a dedicated father. I look for signs of him, but haven't really seen anything that I can be certain is him. Do you think you really get quantifiable "signs"? Or is that a faith based exercise? I'm running out of faith, at 35 years old. We had been together since I was 22, and have only been divorced for less than 2 years. He was my best friend and I can't imagine not hearing his voice ever again, or watching him smile at our daughter's accomplishments.

I'm waiting for it to get better. Sorry for the lengthy post, but how does one describe the horror of losing someone so important, less than halfway through the average life-span?

[Guest KackleDackle]

Hi Leedya I am also new to this and the first message is hard to write.

My husband and I were together for 31 years and I am 46 years old. He died slowly over months and I cared for him at home. I asked him all the time to let me know he is still with me or just give me signs so I can be strong. He was not religious or spiritual and laughed at me. Nothing happened for a few nights and someone suggested I write a journal which I did and asked him to visit .From that first journal entry I have received signs every day. It may sound weird to some or its subconscious but really it is helping me and thats all that matters. I have had the fan in my room turn on whilst I am asleep, I feel a hand nudging me when I sleep, his mobile phone beeps but is not flat or anyone calling it, a breeze runs past me. It is really helping me at night. I write in the journal when I get into bed , put it away and turn the light off. I hope that it may help you.

This sort of venue is foreign to me, but I figured that instead of expecting my friends /family to be equipped to deal with my despondency, perhaps a kindred spirit might understand.

My ex-husband died suddenly on May 27th. Went to drop my daughter off for the weekend, but the doors were locked. We assumed he was asleep. Returned the next morning, as I never heard from him, and knew something was wrong. He would never ignore me, or our 8 year old. He was in the same position as he had been 24 hours earlier, as we could see him through the doors in the bedroom that lead off the porch. He was 6 feet away and hadn't moved. He had just turned 38.

There was no autopsy done, though I was told there would be. His mother is next of kin and didn't have the wherewithal to push for one. She was on the opposite coast on vacation when he died. I told her repeatedly that she needed to make sure one was done. She didn't. He had a history of high BP, but it was controlled by medication. His death certificate reads simply; M.I. He had no heart issues, had undergone nuclear testing in his early 30's. That being said, I miss him like I never knew possible.

I am still in a numb place, I still look for his texts multiple times a day. He saw our daughter every day, without fail. He was a dedicated father. I look for signs of him, but haven't really seen anything that I can be certain is him. Do you think you really get quantifiable "signs"? Or is that a faith based exercise? I'm running out of faith, at 35 years old. We had been together since I was 22, and have only been divorced for less than 2 years. He was my best friend and I can't imagine not hearing his voice ever again, or watching him smile at our daughter's accomplishments.

I'm waiting for it to get better. Sorry for the lengthy post, but how does one describe the horror of losing someone so important, less than halfway through the average life-span?

[Leedyaislost]

Thank you Kackle and munchkin for the thoughtful responses. I purchased a journal, intending to write to, or perhaps about him, but I've not yet been able to bring myself to do so. We had the conversation years ago, that whichever of us died first, we would come see the other one, we would make contact if possible. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and actually write in it?

It seems as if his family has had experiences where they have "seen" him since his passing. His mom had a dream that he was in her room and was just standing there, then raised his hand, looking sad, as if to say "bye". She raised hers, then that was all.

I had a moment last week, in that half awake/ half asleep period, when I saw him sitting next to me. He was wearing a jacket that he had worn for years. I tried to touch his arm, I could feel myself not breathing. Then our daughter, who now sleeps with me again, woke up crying. Then it was over. She doesn't recall the crying, and doesn't know why she was. I hope that I can experience something like that again.

Your words ring true Munchkin; no one can understand, not completely, unless it has happened to them. I have 4 texts from him that I have locked in my phone, I try not to read them, as the last thing he did for me was dig a grave for our 14 year old dog who was scheduled to be put down 2 days after C's unexpected passing. He had sent me a picture of the spot he had chosen, and some profound words about a beautiful resting place for our pet.

I know the isolation you are feeling. My friends call me 'stranger'. When it's all you can do to get up and go to work and care for your children, often, the last thing you want to do is answer questions about how you're "holding up". Mostly because I'm not holding anything up. As complicated as relationships can become when a marriage falls apart (or stays together), it's even more complicated to experience such abject loss. I'm told it gets better, this mountainous grief, that it's a year of the "firsts" that are the worst. First Christmas, bday, etc. I say, I can't imagine it getting much worse.

Thank you for listening.