Members Zoes_Momma Posted July 31, 2012 Members Report Share Posted July 31, 2012 I haven't written or been on the site for a while. I hope all who are here are surviving as best they can.My 21-year-old daughter, Zoë, died October 1 of 2010. She left behind a wonderful husband, Aaron, and their 17 month-old son, Riley. The day after her Life Celebration her husband and baby moved home to Texas (we now live in Utah where Zoë was treated for her cancer).It was so painful to see them leave but I knew that as such a young man (24 at the time) being with his family would help him heal and raise baby Riley with the love and support of his kin.In October of last year Aaron called to say that he and Riley were moving to Utah (he had lived here in the past and had friends and relatives here) because, "Riley will never know who his momma was without you and Tyler (her 20-year-old sister) there to tell him stories of her youth." I was so thrilled that I would see Riley grow up and I would have that one living piece of her with me.When they arrived I realized how much more painful it was to see that little man who looked exactly like she did at that age. To experience the things she should be experiencing like potty training and learning to talk. At times the pain and guilt of having him without her broke my heart and I pulled away. Rather than spend every night seeing him and taking him every weekend (Aaron was so giving and told me I could have him any time I wanted him), I had him spend the night only a few times and only spent time with him on some weekends and all holidays.Sunday night Aaron told me, with tears in his eyes, that his mom back home in Texas offered to help them move home so that she could watch Riley while Aaron continued his education. She also pointed out to Aaron that all of Riley's cousins lived in Texas and he should have the wonderful experience of growing up with them, just as Aaron had. Aaron had made the decision to move back home. Zoë was the oldest grandchild on my side of the family and Riley has no cousins his age here. They are moving home in 2 days (they are a spur of the moment family).As much as I understand that this is probably best for both Riley and Aaron, I have fallen into a deep depression. I feel like if I had not let the pain of seeing him look like her and not been in such a state of grief that I chose to not spend as much time with him as I could have that I am to blame for losing him. I know that I didn't spend enough time with Zoë and I lost her and now I've done the same with the light of my life.I have been dealt one horrible blow after another in the past 2 years. I do not feel strong enough to cope with this one. I am stuck here living a life that is so painful I can barely tolerate it. Though most of my days are happy days (until this week) I am still full of sadness at my core.I don't know how to end this story so I'll just stop here and thank you all for listening. Love and peace to you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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