Upcoming visit to best friend who is about to die

[aviaticsquad]

Hi all,

I'm at a loss for what to do and I would love some advice from folks who have been through or are going through this as well. My best friend's brain cancer has very suddenly taken a turn for the worse and they have stopped treatment for her. We're both in our early twenties. She has very little time left. I am flying to see her in two days and get to say goodbye. I am so scared and feeling completely at a loss. So, a few questions:

1. Any tips for how to emotionally and mentally prepare for this? I've dealt with death of friends before, but its always just sprung on me - I've never had this foreknowledge of it. It's blowing my mind.

2. When I actually see her, how should I behave? Some people are telling me that when I'm with her, I need to be strong for her to comfort her. Others are saying I should just share myself fully, what I'm truly feeling, and connect with her in that way. I don't know how to "be myself" anymore, it's not that simple. Any advice?

Thank you.

[josephtmacgregor]

Aviaticsquad, once again I am so sorry about your friend. I am glad that we had the chance to talk tonight. I know you are hurting... six years later I am still hurting, but talking with someone who has entered the world of a loved one with brain cancer helps. Brain cancer is different from other cancers and especially the end stages of life are different.

The reason I post is because I forgot to mention-- you may have already found this, but there is a Web page: www.brainhospice.com

It is a tremendous resource for friends, families, caregivers, etc. alike. This is one resource that, tough as it was to read, was a real help as my brother was "actively dying," they call it. There is a timeline page, which explains the different stages of dying and what, at certain time intervals before death, the patient may be physically and emotionally experiencing--as well as the caregiver, how the caregiver(s) may be feeling as a result of the patient's changes. Our family found the timeline to be pretty accurate, definitely in general, but also with the specifics.

I know you are not your friend's primary caregiver, but if you have any questions or just want to talk, I am here. It helps me to talk about my brother, even his illness, and if it can help you during this difficult time, then that is even better.

Take care,

Joe