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Hello, I'm not use to this blogging to complete strangers thing.  I have no were else to go. My family and friends haven't experienced the loss of a significant other.  Which I would never wish upon on anyone.  My fiancee passed away on Aug 4th, 2007,  3 days after my 28th birthday.  He was only 29.  I've always been afraid of death.  This really didn't help, now I think the same will happen to me, and now I'll be all alone.  I know this is selfish and it comes from my active imagination.  I will never forget the last noise he made, I thought he was dreaming, I called 911 and began CPR.  The paramedics couldn't get a pulse on him.  I had to call his mom and tell we were going to the ER.  It was so hard and I felt so bad.  I never got to say how much I loved him.  I miss him so much,  Outside I'm coping, inside is another story.  My heart is broke, when he was buried it went with him.  I can't express what I feel in words.  His family wants me to move on.  I have no desire to.  People don't understand why I haven't let him go and why I'm not dating.  It hurts and I feel so helpless and lost.  I hate the pited looks people give me,I feel like a 5th wheel when I go out with our coupley friends.  I just feel so lost.........

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Dear Eventually, I wanted you to know I read your post and I am very sorry for your loss.  My husband died over 2 years ago, and I have found it still helps me to come here to BI to read and post to others who know my pain.  This is a safe place to express yourself.   All of us here know exactly what you are going through and it is all normal.  People who have not suffered a loss like us have no idea what it is like.  They say very stupid things.  Keep reading and posting and it may help you cope with the very hard days ahead of you.  We have no magic words, but it really does seem to help to know you are not alone.   Peace

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aprilmoonflower

I'm so sorry!

wow- first you need to tell the family to lay off! they have no clue at all what you are going through! I just started dating (kind of) and it's been 2.5 years for me! some people mean well, but they are absolutely CLUELESS!!!! Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve! Do it on YOUR terms. and keep coming back here. it helps!

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Well I've been reading alot of the posts and it's helped alot.  Everything that has been said I feel.  It's almost been seven months since B has passed.  And I don't feel anything.  I still feel so numb, and I don't believe he's really gone.  I feel like I'm back at step one.  I've been having sorta good days, no crying but always thinking about him.  And then BAM.  My therapist says that it is normal, but I don't know what to believe.  I wish I was able to have a child with B then I could at least have a small piece of him with me.  I don't have anyone to go on for.   His parent gave me a disc with alot of pictures of him when he was younger and also the both of us.  I plan on making a book for him.  But as I look at the pictures it brings back all the memories and the plans we were making, and I just feel so robbed.  I was robbed of everything important to me and everything I love.  I just wish this nightmare would go away.  I don't go to church but I pray it doesn't seem to be doing any good.  I quit dreaming about him, I don't feel he is with me anymore. I know I probably sound crazy. Well thank you all for listening to me ramble.  I hope everyone is doing okay.

 

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aprilmoonflower

(((hugs))) I don't want to scare you but it took me 18 months to come out of the shock. and nearly 2 years until I didn't think about it ALL the time (though, I do still think of him alot- at least daily!) it will be 30 months on monday!

it will get better I promise! you will always miss him, but it won't always hurt as bad as it does right now. just keep coming here!

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aprilmoonflower,

Thank you for your response.  It's been awhile since I've posted. People are just tired of me talking about B I think.  I do wish it would get easier. I'm so sick of the empty feelings.   I have some good days but mostly bad days.  I'm not crying as much, but I think I keep pushing back the tears. And I try not to tink to much because it hurts so bad.  That hasn't helped and  I cried so hard at the cemetary the other day.  We are ready to confirm the writing on the stone so they can place it.  Parts of me really don't want the stone placed because that makes it so FINAL.  Even writing about it now I start to cry.  I am so MAD at everyone, including B.  I shouldn't be mad at him because I know he didn't want to go. But, we had so many plans for the future that was just starting.  I'm so glad I found this site, reading all the other posts I feel I'm not alone.  I've read that some people write journals and letters.  Does this help?  Also we have a fair coming this weekend where you can get  aura readings or palm readings.  Has anyone got these???? I wonder if I should or not, I so want B to be happy but I want him with me also.  I guess I sould go I'm rambling on... Thank you all for being so understanding.  God Bless.

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