Missing my mother terribly.

[LillyRR]

My mother passed away on April 10th of this year... It has been 3 months and 17 days since I saw her face. I'm still thoroughly shocked that she's gone.. She had been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, it was terminal, but her doctors said that she had no "expiration" date... it was precisely one month after she was diagnosed with breast cancer that she passed away.. and it was from a heart attack. I lived with my mother and I was the one who called 911 after hearing her scream for me at around 3:00 am.. I was already awake because I couldn't sleep. It took me a couple of minutes to register that she yelled for me. I immediately ran into the bathroom and I nearly had a heart attack myself.. My mother was sitting on the toilet slouched over into the tub.. her face and skin was the palest I'd ever seen it. I ran to her side and grabbed onto her and started crying asking her what was wrong over and over, I even shook her, she groggily mumbled that she couldn't do it, she couldn't do it, and asked why repeatedly. I tried propping her up and levering her onto myself.. she said she couldn't move and that she didn't want me to call 911, she didn't want to worry our family anymore.. I told her that I obviously very much needed to, and she said to let her try and get up off the toilet.. she tried and nearly collapsed, so I told her to sit back and I'd wipe her.. I had to wipe my mom.. and her reaction would have been comical if the situation wasn't so dire.. She said it embarrassed her and I shrugged and told her she did it for me as a baby and I'd do the same for her over and over if need be.. I told her to sit still as i got done with that and called 911.. it's all so blurry from then on.. The ambulance drivers treated her so poorly.. and when we were at the hospital in the emergency area waiting... she kept on telling me she wanted to go home.. and that the nurses/staff were just going to let her die, because to them her having terminal cancer meant she was going to die anyways... I stood by her side there for over 45 minutes... my best friend had accompanied me so I would have support as I tried my hardest to support my mother.. she saw too just how poor my mothers treatment was.. how I had to ask the staff repeatedly for little things to keep my mother comfortable... she threw up on herself multiple times and I was the one to wipe her up.. with kleenex because the nurses never got me a towel which I asked for 3 separate times.. I eventually left.. I had decided it was best to call my aunt to come and be with my mother because my aunt is a retired RN and she could keep calmer than I was... I left also because In my life I can never remember being as angry as I was then.. I wanted to grab the nurses by their necks and demand they help my mother.. who was in pain and agony and I knew even then was dying.. I got to tell my mom goodbye, because I knew I wouldn't see her again.. some part of me knew when she had said she couldn't do it anymore as many times as she had said it, knew she meant it.. I went back to our house and waited until around 4 in the afternoon and got the phone call from my aunt to meet her downstairs.. I knew officially then because she evaded my question of how my mom was doing.. that my mother had passed away.. I think in the moment my aunt told me I just felt a piece of myself rip away.. I've not been the same since.. My mother had always been so strong.. she had 3 heart attacks before and also had a brain aneurysm.. I feel like now I realize how naive I was.. believing in a sense that my mom was invincible and she'd be around for my entire life.. I don't know what to do with myself now... She was like my rock, and my very foundation.. I'm feeling lost and scared like a toddler when in reality I'm almost 22 years old.. I just wish I could turn back the clock almost.. To see her smile and hear her laugh one more time.. but just like that song by Diamond Rio I know I'd keep on wishing for one more day with her every day... I miss everything about her.. I even miss the arguments we had.. which were a lot.. I miss not just the good but the god awful.. because even then I still had her around... still could hug her when we made up.. smile and admit it was a stupid fight.. Now I can't.. And I keep praying to her... asking her to be happy... not to worry about me and to know i'll be alright.. but even to myself the words are so unsure.. Because I feel like without her I'm an empty shell... I don't know what to do.. how to start coping.. or how to keep staying strong... I love her so much.. and I feel like I've been cheated.. because it feels like it wasn't long enough.. I'm only 22 and she was the one person in my life who I feel would always love me.. I honestly never knew lonely like I do now... All those years I tried to fill a hole I thought was so huge with a spouse's love.. All I want now is my mothers..

[Daffodilfun]

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write. I do hope you get this message.

It is hard to lose someone that you love very much. Your mother was the world to you and loosing her is probably the most devastating thing that has happened in your life.

The anger, not feeling that you can cope, the guilt, the what ifs, are perfectly normal, but it doesn't help to hear that now.

I know what it is like to want my mom hug me again, to be there when I need her. You were there when she needed you. It may have been an embarrassment to her, but she wanted to be presentably for her family and to all those that she knew would be taking care of her. You did that both at home and in the hospital. You gave her that dignity and I am sure she is loving you even more because of what you did.

The loneliness is something that we all go through. Even though there may be many around you there is something missing in your heart and soul. The loneliness will fade. Your grief will ease, but you will never forget her and the love she gave you.

Hold on to the memories and rely on others to help you at this time. Remember that it is alright to grieve, to cry, to even yell. You will get through this, I promise.

Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Blessings,

Sally

[sandsurfgirl]

As awful as it was for you to go through that with her, what a blessing that you, her daughter, could be the one to take care of her in her greatest time of need. You have been blessed with a mother who loved you fiercely and whom you loved back. Not everyone has that. I don't and never have. Hold onto that sweetie. The rage at the nurses will pass and eventually you'll be left with all those good memories of your wonderful mom.

[beaman]

Hi Lilly,

my story is similar with yours. I'm 25, my mom passed away from lung cancer 2 yrs ago. She was my only family so I'm all alone now. Want you to know you're not alone. People suffer like this and they feel similar things.