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Granddaddy was my world. Now he's gone.


junebug88

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So the longer extended version of this story is in my "about me" for anyone who wants to know the full story. For here, I will try to keep it short.

A little back story first: At the age of 10 (less than 2 months from turning 11), my father died in a single car accident. It was 2 weeks before Christmas. I was a daddy's girl, and for a couple years after his death, I felt I was at least partially to blame because he had gotten up early to run some errands before attending a school event that was very important to me. After his death, I became even closer with his parents. I would stay at their house on the weekend, even up until I graduated high school. My breaks from college were spent at their house. I withdrew from school halfway through my junior year because my grandfather had gotten really sick and I was afraid of missing out on time with him. After I withdrew, I moved in with them to help them out some. I moved out about a year ago when my grandmother's dementia got so bad that me being there was producing more negative than positive effects. I've kept a key to their house so I can check in on them anytime I feel the need to (my grandparents were perfectly ok with this).

On June 3rd, my grandfather was admitted to the hospital. While he was still in a trauma room in the ER, he flatlined. They eventually got a pulse back after CPR and 2 rounds of shocks with the paddles. He was put on a ventilator and at that time, the only diagnosis was "severe pneumonia." Over the course of the next 10-12 days, we found out his kidneys were trying to shut down (working at about 40%), his liver was trying to shut down, he had several masses in his abdomen (one of which was later said to have most likely been lymphoma), his blood pressure would drop dangerously low even with him being on 3 different bp meds, and after tests were done on fluid from his lungs, it was determined he had squamous cell carcinoma. Eventually, my aunt, my grandmother, my sister, and I made the decision together to issue a DNR should his heart stop again, but to keep him on the ventilator and cease dialysis treatments (which hadn't really done any good anyway). The first time I walked into his room after they taped a "DNR" sign to his bed...it felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

On June 17th, my brother called my sister and I and told us to get to the hospital ASAP. We found out that Granddaddy had been completely taken off sedation, and once the effects had entirely worn off, the doctor had told him of all of his medical concerns except the cancers. He was then given an opportunity to make a decision in his own healthcare. Stay on the ventilator and fight? Come off and potentially die? Granddaddy made the choice to come off the ventilator - I know in his eyes, he knew it meant he'd be going "home" very soon. We spent most of the day with him. We have a large extended family, and there was up to 20 people there at any given time. The ICU staff was so wonderful - even though there's a limit of 2 visitors at specified times, they allowed us all to come and go as we pleased, however many of us wanted to go.

A little after 4 pm, the doctor and her staff removed Granddaddy's ventilator and then allowed us to be with him. We were told beforehand that it could take anywhere from seconds to hours or even days for him to pass. In all, it took Granddaddy about 20 minutes. It was literally the worst 20 minutes of my life. I had to sit there and watch this man I loved so dearly, who I thought of as my father and who had taken the place of my father when mine died, suffer for the last 20 minutes of his life. I know to him, it was probably worth it, to get to go "home" and see his parents and siblings and especially his son. But to me, it was horrible. I watched his vitals jump up to almost normal, and then go way back down. I prayed that God would either take him or heal him. Anything to stop his suffering. When death finally came, I almost rejoiced - it hurt so much to see him suffer like that.

But now he's gone. I'm so used to picking up the phone and calling him and hearing his sweet voice on the other end. Or logging into Facebook and seeing a new message from him pop up wondering "why you haven't called me, missy!" I used to call him around 4 on days when I was just getting off work or something to see if he needed me to pick up anything for him and my grandmother for dinner. And a lot of times when I'd stop by, I'd see him zooming around on his power scooter, watering tomatoes or checking on neighbors. NONE of that happens anymore. My grandmother needs me badly, but I just can't bear to go to that house anymore. I went the other day and MADE myself sit there with her for almost half an hour, but I was itching to leave every second. Nothing is the same. And I knew before he died that nothing would be the same, but knowing it and living it are two different things.

My grandfather was 76. He lived a long, happy life. He had 2 children, although he did lose one over 13 years ago. Altogether, he had 5 grandchildren, 5 great-grandchildren with another on the way (my brother's first!). He had a successful career as a security guard until he had to retire due to his health. But even in bad health, he still maintained a happy, sunny disposition, and he stayed as active as his body would let him. It wasn't but days before he went into the hospital that I last seen him outside on his little scooter, watering plants and picking on the neighborhood kids. (Granddaddy LOVED kids and he loved making them laugh. He had some pretty awesome jokes rolleyes.gif ).

I've said all that to say this: I know what it feels to lose a loved one, especially to lose them before you're ready to let them go. I know how this feels. I may have been just a child, but I've been down this path already. I also know that it's barely been over a month since my Granddaddy passed away. But in that month, I've hardly dealt with it. And to be honest, I don't even know how to deal with it. I'm horrible at talking to people in person about "feelings" and things like that, so even when I do muster up the courage to bring up the topic, I chicken out before we can get too deep into it. When Daddy died, Mom would let me chat online in a chatroom with other people who had lost parents. It helped, so that's why I've come here. I just feel like I need someone to talk to, and I can't seem to do that talking in person...I have friends who have lost grandfathers who were dear to them, but I still can't find a way to talk about this with them. And to be honest, I've never really openly talked about my dad to anyone but counselors...

To anyone who just made it through that novel I just wrote, thanks. rolleyes.gif

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So the longer extended version of this story is in my "about me" for anyone who wants to know the full story. For here, I will try to keep it short.

A little back story first: At the age of 10 (less than 2 months from turning 11), my father died in a single car accident. It was 2 weeks before Christmas. I was a daddy's girl, and for a couple years after his death, I felt I was at least partially to blame because he had gotten up early to run some errands before attending a school event that was very important to me. After his death, I became even closer with his parents. I would stay at their house on the weekend, even up until I graduated high school. My breaks from college were spent at their house. I withdrew from school halfway through my junior year because my grandfather had gotten really sick and I was afraid of missing out on time with him. After I withdrew, I moved in with them to help them out some. I moved out about a year ago when my grandmother's dementia got so bad that me being there was producing more negative than positive effects. I've kept a key to their house so I can check in on them anytime I feel the need to (my grandparents were perfectly ok with this).

On June 3rd, my grandfather was admitted to the hospital. While he was still in a trauma room in the ER, he flatlined. They eventually got a pulse back after CPR and 2 rounds of shocks with the paddles. He was put on a ventilator and at that time, the only diagnosis was "severe pneumonia." Over the course of the next 10-12 days, we found out his kidneys were trying to shut down (working at about 40%), his liver was trying to shut down, he had several masses in his abdomen (one of which was later said to have most likely been lymphoma), his blood pressure would drop dangerously low even with him being on 3 different bp meds, and after tests were done on fluid from his lungs, it was determined he had squamous cell carcinoma. Eventually, my aunt, my grandmother, my sister, and I made the decision together to issue a DNR should his heart stop again, but to keep him on the ventilator and cease dialysis treatments (which hadn't really done any good anyway). The first time I walked into his room after they taped a "DNR" sign to his bed...it felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

On June 17th, my brother called my sister and I and told us to get to the hospital ASAP. We found out that Granddaddy had been completely taken off sedation, and once the effects had entirely worn off, the doctor had told him of all of his medical concerns except the cancers. He was then given an opportunity to make a decision in his own healthcare. Stay on the ventilator and fight? Come off and potentially die? Granddaddy made the choice to come off the ventilator - I know in his eyes, he knew it meant he'd be going "home" very soon. We spent most of the day with him. We have a large extended family, and there was up to 20 people there at any given time. The ICU staff was so wonderful - even though there's a limit of 2 visitors at specified times, they allowed us all to come and go as we pleased, however many of us wanted to go.

A little after 4 pm, the doctor and her staff removed Granddaddy's ventilator and then allowed us to be with him. We were told beforehand that it could take anywhere from seconds to hours or even days for him to pass. In all, it took Granddaddy about 20 minutes. It was literally the worst 20 minutes of my life. I had to sit there and watch this man I loved so dearly, who I thought of as my father and who had taken the place of my father when mine died, suffer for the last 20 minutes of his life. I know to him, it was probably worth it, to get to go "home" and see his parents and siblings and especially his son. But to me, it was horrible. I watched his vitals jump up to almost normal, and then go way back down. I prayed that God would either take him or heal him. Anything to stop his suffering. When death finally came, I almost rejoiced - it hurt so much to see him suffer like that.

But now he's gone. I'm so used to picking up the phone and calling him and hearing his sweet voice on the other end. Or logging into Facebook and seeing a new message from him pop up wondering "why you haven't called me, missy!" I used to call him around 4 on days when I was just getting off work or something to see if he needed me to pick up anything for him and my grandmother for dinner. And a lot of times when I'd stop by, I'd see him zooming around on his power scooter, watering tomatoes or checking on neighbors. NONE of that happens anymore. My grandmother needs me badly, but I just can't bear to go to that house anymore. I went the other day and MADE myself sit there with her for almost half an hour, but I was itching to leave every second. Nothing is the same. And I knew before he died that nothing would be the same, but knowing it and living it are two different things.

My grandfather was 76. He lived a long, happy life. He had 2 children, although he did lose one over 13 years ago. Altogether, he had 5 grandchildren, 5 great-grandchildren with another on the way (my brother's first!). He had a successful career as a security guard until he had to retire due to his health. But even in bad health, he still maintained a happy, sunny disposition, and he stayed as active as his body would let him. It wasn't but days before he went into the hospital that I last seen him outside on his little scooter, watering plants and picking on the neighborhood kids. (Granddaddy LOVED kids and he loved making them laugh. He had some pretty awesome jokes rolleyes.gif ).

I've said all that to say this: I know what it feels to lose a loved one, especially to lose them before you're ready to let them go. I know how this feels. I may have been just a child, but I've been down this path already. I also know that it's barely been over a month since my Granddaddy passed away. But in that month, I've hardly dealt with it. And to be honest, I don't even know how to deal with it. I'm horrible at talking to people in person about "feelings" and things like that, so even when I do muster up the courage to bring up the topic, I chicken out before we can get too deep into it. When Daddy died, Mom would let me chat online in a chatroom with other people who had lost parents. It helped, so that's why I've come here. I just feel like I need someone to talk to, and I can't seem to do that talking in person...I have friends who have lost grandfathers who were dear to them, but I still can't find a way to talk about this with them. And to be honest, I've never really openly talked about my dad to anyone but counselors...

To anyone who just made it through that novel I just wrote, thanks. rolleyes.gif

You've certainly come to the right place. We will be here to listen and encourage you. It sounds like you come from a well-rounded and loving family.

I watched my own father die, and I am sure the 20 minutes felt like eternity and you experienced every emotion that has ever been. You grandfather sounds like a true friend.

What kinds of things did you like, and what did he like? Are you like him or totally different?

Got any pics?

ModKonnie

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You've certainly come to the right place. We will be here to listen and encourage you. It sounds like you come from a well-rounded and loving family.

I watched my own father die, and I am sure the 20 minutes felt like eternity and you experienced every emotion that has ever been. You grandfather sounds like a true friend.

What kinds of things did you like, and what did he like? Are you like him or totally different?

Got any pics?

ModKonnie

Oh lord, yes, I've got LOADS of pictures! Most are from holidays and birthdays, but there was one day a couple years ago, where I got several good pictures of me with each of my father's parents, and in one, my grandpa is sticking his tongue out. He was quite the jokester. As kids, he got us just about every April Fools' Day, either by waking us up and telling us it had snowed (we live in Alabama, where snow, especially in April, is rare) or that there were deer out in the yard...or a billion other things. He was super generous. It's because of him that I even got my first car. He cosigned on the loan when no one else would, even though he knew his wife would throw a fit when she found out (and she DID throw a fit every opportunity she had after she found out). He would loan me gas money just about every week, even without me asking. He'd pay my car payment when I couldn't find work. A couple months ago, I asked him if he would cosign on a loan for me to get my own place, and he said he would except that he knew his wife would throw a major fit if he did and she found out. He seemed really upset that he couldn't help me out.

I'm similar to my grandpa, but we definitely had our differences. Living in Alabama, fishing is a big thing...and he loved to fish! I used to love to go fishing with him, and with my dad too, but after my dad died, I all but stopped fishing. I've only fished a few times since Daddy died and those times were with my grandpa. He loved to sit under his carport or under his dogwood trees and watch the birds and squirrels play, and usually he'd have a word find book he'd work in. Even as far back as when I first learned how to spell, I would beg him to let me do a puzzle by myself. In his later years, especially after his health declined so much that he couldn't drive anymore, he really enjoyed his computer. He'd play games or chat with people on Facebook or look up old episodes of sitcoms from the 60s and 70s on Youtube. I even taught him how to download music! He'd download old Johnny Cash songs and old gospel songs, hymns...just about anything like that. He was a big church man, and he made it to church every Sunday until he couldn't drive anymore. Even then, he'd watch sermons on TV or find them streaming live online to watch. He was definitely a man of God, and as a Christian myself, he was and still is a huge inspiration to me. He also had been married to my Granny for almost 58 years when he died. Their marriage saw its trials, just as all marriages do, but they stayed together through it all. That's a huge inspiration as well.

I've never seen someone like him, elderly in body, not much of a formal education (he only completed the 6th grade), raised in the country, get so into newer technology. My grandmother won't even touch the computer, but by this year, my grandpa had a Facebook, several email accounts, knew how to use Youtube and how to search for things in Google, knew how to use MSN messenger, how to burn CDs/DVDs...it was really fascinating watching him learn! He may have had an old body and an old soul, but his mind was young up until the day he died.

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