Introduction & My Brother

[josephtmacgregor]

First off, I am so sorry for everyone's loss. I never thought I would be turning to a "Loss of a Sibling" forum, at least not at this point in my life. My name is Joe and I lost one of my younger brothers over six years ago now to cancer. I just recently retired and since i've retired Ive had a horrible and intense resurgence of the grief that I never really dealt with after my brother died. I am the oldest sibling so I took on a lot of responsibility in making arrangements after his death, and when I went back to work it was a relatively quick turn-around. I just didnt have time to grieve, and then I purposely made myself even busier with work and with duties at home with my family...like I was pushing away the pain of the reality of what had happened.

As kids our father was abusive to my brother, so they didnt have much of a relationship. I was a few years older than my brother, so I became a sort of father figure to him and throughout his life I was the one he saw as filling that role in his life. I lived in a different state when my brother was sick, but I was able to take off some time to visit him every month or so, and when it was clear that he wasnt getting any better I was able to go on hiatus from work to be with him during his last few weeks. That time was a blessing, as painful as it was for him and for myself and everyone who was there. He was the charmer and the big ham of the family, the charismatic one who kept things together after our mother died. Since I've retired I keep having awful dreams and flashbacks of him suffering and can feel myself slowly heading down that slippery slope of deep depression. I do plan on seeing a doctor, Im waiting to hear back on an appointment date, but until then and regardless--I think I just need to talk with others who understand this kind of loss, the loss of a sibling.

If I had the energy, I would post a reply to all of the posts on here in this forum. Especially the one where someone posted that their brother had died 5 years ago and they are still mourning. Sometimes I feel pathetic or like its selfish of me to think of my brother so much. I've got a beautiful wife and two loving children, I need and want nothing more and thank God for them every day. But the reality is that my past was defined by my relationships with my siblings and since the loss of my brother, things just can never be the same. I know I don't need to feel guilty or like I'm being selfish, I know it's normal, but.....the pain never goes away!! Also as the oldest sibling and as someone with a health condition, I always expected I would be the first one to go. I know that is part of why I feel guilty too. Now I am helping out raising my nephew, his son, who has no memories of his dad, but who looks and acts more and like him every day. I love that little guy and am the proudest uncle on the face of the planet, but I'd be lying if I didnt say that emotionally it is exhausting as well.

Anyway I dont know exactly why I write, but it does feel a little better to have made this post. i regret that there are people out there who know this same feeling, but I don't doubt that there are. So again, I am so sorry for everyones losses, and thank you for reading my post.

[Josh's_sister]

I am so sorry Joe. I am glad that it sounds like you are okay with what you are feeling and that you know there is no time table and no magic moment when you are no longer supposed to feel sadness. I lost my older brother just 3 months ago, and I already feel like I will just always feel a void. Your brother was lucky to have you and now, so is his son. I hope you are able to find some time to dedicate to something that might energize you. You mentioned being exhausted a couple of times and I just think it is so important to take care of yourself the best you can. All the best to you and your family.

~Vanessa