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Today I Am...


Kelly

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I have been searching around this board for a place to write my story. I have told it over and over again, but I still don't feel like it actually is happening. I'm having a hard time finding people that I can relate to. I am only 23 and don't know anyone that has experienced anything like I have. My friends have LIVING, BREATHING parents. They're all single and partying, while I'm home with my 3 1/2 month old baby, with an empty hole where my heart was. I dread going to work everyday. I work in customer service and I'm finding it almost impossible to act chipper.

I'm feeling very disassociated with reality today. My daddy died on Jan 9th and I'm still in shock. He was 53 years old. He was my mentor and friend. In April, he was diagnosed with operable throat cancer, which left him with an 85% chance of survival after a stream of chemo and radiation treatments. Those treatments made him weak and thin, a shadow of his former self. A man who loved food could no longer taste it, and it was so hard for him to swallow that he had a feeding tube. On Dec. 30th I was told that the throat cancer had metastasized and he was suffering from terminal bone cancer. When he had complained weeks earlier that his ribs hurt, they thought that he had the flu or that he was malnourished. It was all wrong. He was given 3-6 months to live. A few days later he was placed in a hospice facility, because the doctor was sure that his calcium would sky rocket again and he would be in a coma very soon. Four days later he laid in his bed, unresponsive, but still breathing. I told him that night that I would see him the next morning and that I loved him very much. He died 15 minutes after I left. I think he was holding on until my brother and I had left the hospice so that he wouldn't cause us more pain. My stepmom, whom I'm very close to, was with him when he passed. Seconds before he stopped breathing, he opened his eyes one last time. She said that his eyes looked clearer than they had in a long time. My daddy was an artist and I like to think that he opened his eyes to see the most beautiful vision, his last and he could then go peacefully, knowing that he had seen it all. He told me once that he saw an angel when he was a little boy. My dad had never been religious, but he was always a very spiritual man. My mom told me that she felt his presence last night. They had divorced when I was 3 years old, but remained good friends. She said that he said some comforting abstract things to her. My boyfriend is sure that my dad sits in our nursery, comforted by my sons snoring. I have never really given much thought to an afterlife. I had always thought that you died and that was it, but now I can't help but think that he's everywhere and in everything.

When my dad was originally diagnosed in April, I thought that a piece of me had died. A few weeks later, my grandma collapsed. They thought she had a stroke, but she was suffering from glioblastoma, a very agressive form of brain cancer. When I found out that I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I decided to move near my grandma. I was born in this town and my grandma was soon to retire. In fact, the day she collapsed was her last day of work. I wanted to continue studying and the college I was attending didn't offer my major. I wanted to go to the college that my dad went to, so we packed everything up and I spent two of the best weeks with her. I got to know her in ways I had never imagined. We had adult conversations about politics, life, and art. We had always been very close, but we had never really had a chance to open up to each other in that way. When she was diagnosed, they gave her 9-12 months to live. She had a resection and suffered through chemo. Recently, the doctors gave us the grave news of 1-4 months. She loops her speech and has no short term memory. The tumor is growing. She will have another resection on Monday. A new doctor said 4-12 months with more surgery and that it would open up the ability for new treatments. But it has a 20% chance of rendering her speechless and a 10-20% chance of making her immobile. They have explained these risks to her again and again, but I'm weary of how well she understands. Our family is very close and we are all set on letting her make her own decisions in this matter, but I still worry if she's doing the right thing. I don't want her to fight aggressively if it's going to greatly effect the quality of her life. And 20% is too high a number for my tastes as I have just watched my dad become a statistic.

On top of all of this, I'm struggling with my son. I want so much to be selfish right now. I love my son, but I'm having a hard time being with him when I just want to be alone. I feel so guilty. He's so smart, far ahead of normal development, so he demands alot of attention. He wants constant human interaction so that he can learn. He'll be crawling soon. I don't blame him for wanting someone to play with, but I'm just so tired all of the time. I was told by the social worker at the hospice to wait a few weeks before I start a course of therapy and group sessions. But I feel that my case is set apart from most. It's hard enough losing one person you're close to, let alone two. I would like to read books about grief, but I don't know which ones to read that aren't geared towards losing a loved older person or aren't religious. I'm also trying so hard not to scream at my boyfriend. He's so great. He's also the only boyfriend my dad ever liked. When I told my dad that I was pregnant, he turned to my boyfriend and said, "Welcome to our family." He's very supportive and loving, yet I can't help but yell at him for trivial things. The anger just wells up inside of me. He knows that I'm struggling and he knows that I can't help myself sometimes. But I can't imagine the stress it must put on him to have to remind himself all the time that I love him and don't mean it. We were joking around the other day, and he said "Well, how are we going to get married now?" I had always wanted my daddy to make my engagement and wedding rings. I was filled with so much sorrow and rage that I ran out of the room in tears. He never meant to say anything to hurt me, but it's so hard to tell what will make me laugh and what will make me cry. My family is well known for coping with laughter. I wanted my daddy to walk me down the aisle. I wanted him to teach my son how to really see the world, like he taught me. I wanted him to teach him how to pick up a pencil and draw, like he taught me when I was 3. I wanted Maksen to remember him as a fun-loving prankster, his G-Pa.

Today I am empty and still standing.

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Platinumblon,

I recently sent you an email concerning "natural" ways to possibly beat cancer or at least, slow it down. I hope you will contact Dr. Tina Wellman because she has been a real blessing to me and my quest for perfect health. There is no doubt in my mind how shocking, how depressing, how surreal it is to lose a parent, for I, too, have lost both of mine within 18 months of one another back in 2000-2001. The most hurtful thing about losing such loving and devoted parents is the emptiness that one experiences in the very depths of one's heart and soul because of not having them here in the flesh to admire and to cherish. I am not saying that I exactly know what you are going through emotionally or mentally, but I have an idea of what may be going on inside of your precious heart right now, having felt those same thoughts and experienced those very same emotions, too!

Remember, there is no "wrong" way to grieve the loss of a cherished loved one, nor is there any time frame within which to do so. Plus, whatever you need to do to begin to cope with and adjust to your Dad's sudden loss is completely all right just as long as there is no self-destructive behavior involved. No one has all the answers on what may be the very best to grieve the loss of a valued loved one, but to be sure, you must begin not to deny yourself the very basics of human survival. You must continually fight to make sure you are eating right, getting the proper amount of sleep, exercising if you have the opportunity, drinking plenty of nourishing water and calling on friends and family for help when you need it. If you don't take care of your bodily needs, the burden of pain and grief will be all consuming and even more overwhelming than it is now. With a strong body and mind, you can weather these powerful and sometimes, debilitating emotional flare ups due to having to deal with your Dad's passing on to the "Other Side".

There are several books that wil give you some answers as to where we actually go when we breathe our last breath here in this human body we are occupying. To have an understanding of not only where we go at the moment of our earthly death, but what we can can actually expect once we get there, and how our departed loved ones can and do communicate with us, will bring you immense comfort, peace and give you a supreme sense of hope knowing that your loved ones are only separated from you but for a "short while" or just on a "temporary" basis until you finish our mission here and head home to be with them once again!!

Some of these books are, "HELLO FROM HEAVEN" by Bill and Judy Guggenheim, "LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE" by Silvia Browne, "LIFE IN THE WORLD UNSEEN" by Anthony Borgia (*a must read), "WALKING IN THE GARDEN OF SOULS" by George Anderson, "HEAVENLY ANSWERS TO EARTHLY QUESTIONS" by Joyce H. Brown, and "DEATH: A PREFACE( A Continuing Journey) by Hal N. Banks. I think from reading these books at your own pace will give you such a valuable amount of information on, not only the "Afterlife" and what awaits us, but also, just how our departed loved ones can and do contact us and what they are doing for us from the "Other Side". Oh, the best place to find these books would probably be (Amazon.com).

I just want to assure you that at the moment of your Dad's passing, he was not in any pain nor was he afraid to go, either. You see, when we shed this body of ours, we no longer are held captive to any of its diseases, illnesses, pain or sicknesses because we now have a new spiritual body, which is an exact replica of our earthly one without all the hardships, irregularites or deformities of the earthly one. Plus, once on the "Other Side", your Dad was met by countless numbers of relatives and friends, who had been anticipating his arrival. Yes, he is safe, healthy, whole and happy once again, but he knows all of what you are going through right now because he can hear all of your words expressed to him, as well as sense all of your thoughts and emotions as you direct them toward him, too.

Remember this, our deceased loved ones play a very active role in our life without denying us the opportunity to learn our lessons while here. So, be aware of your enviornment for little things that may be happening that makes you wonder if it is, indeed, your Dad being right there with you because, more than likely, he is and that's because he still loves you so very much, my dear!!

I, as well as the rest of these wonderful people who come here will be right here for you, no matter what may happen in your life next and that's because your life is worth fighting for!!!

Always a friend,

Steve D.

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just thought i would write in hopes that i will feel better afterwards. today, as the day progressed, i felt more and more sad. then tonight while i was at work i started to cry and i am still crying. (i clean offices and am by myself). i miss my mom so bad. feb 4 will be one year that she is gone. i guess my emotions just caught up with me. i am not a crier and i do try to be possitive about my mom not being here. tomorrow will be better. heather

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I didn't know where on this site to post this but I needed to write it somewhere in the hopes that someone somewhere could relate. Everyone here is talking about how much time they are spending with their loved one but I am not having that issue.

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday and the first thing I thought when I woke up was, "I bet she'll die today and if she does, I'll be so pissed off." And then I felt so bad because my mom has been so sick for years and it seems like forever but it's come to a head in the last 8 months. The past 2 months has been the worst: she has been back and forth from the nursing home to the hospital with a range of infections 4 times in the last 6 weeks. The doctor says she has strains of infection that are so strong that they make Anthrax look like Baskin and Robbins flavors. I've felt so guilty because I live in a city that is two hours away. I work two jobs and for the last month have had a whopping case of bronchitis for which I myself had to visit the ER so I haven't been home to visit since Christmas.

My father tells me to take care of myself. He says that though it's true that no one lights up my mother's face as much as I do and that she really doesn't want to see anyone but me and that she's lethargic and unresponsive accept when I am spoken of, I shouldn't feel any pressure. He says I should ignore my great aunt who told me that she thinks my mother has gotten worse BECAUSE I haven't been there. (As if, I were the cause of the dozen or so illnesses from which she is dying.) My father says I should ignore the cousin who tried to comfort me by saying that I wasn't totally to blame for my mother's fading life. But I shouldn't feel guilty. I shouldn't feel responsible for keeping my mother alive. I shouldn't feel like I am the only thing she is or has ever lived for.

And I am so afraid she will die and it will be my fault. I am afraid she will die and it will be because I didn’t stop everything and breathe for her. I am afraid she will die and it will confirm for me and everyone else that I am the world’s shittiest daughter.

I am afraid she will die and will have missed spending time with her before she goes. I am afraid she will die while I am still mad at her and resenting her for needing me so much. I am afraid she will die while I am still trying to establish and maintain some boundaries which necessitate my saying, “NO” when the whole family thinks I should say yes. I am afraid I am saying No when I should be saying Yes. What if I am saying no and my no means that my mother dies? What if my no is killing her? What if I am saying no and my no means that I miss being there or getting to say goodbye or getting to hear her say that I am ok and good and good enough and that I am released and that she has gotten all that she needs from me and that I don’t have to be everything for her anymore? What if I miss the one time when she would have given me the pardon/relief/break/freedom/time out from having to be her and me, live her life and mine? What if I say no and it was the one time she was going to say, “Deep down you are perfect and there is nothing I would or could ever hope to change about you?” What if I am saying no on the one day she would have said that? What if I am just saying no to spite her? What if I don’t really need it? What if I am saying no on the day we could have worked it all out and made it all better for both of us?

I am so sad and I love my mom and I miss her so much already. She has not been the mom I used to know and be able to talk to and be with and enjoy or relate to for so long. I haven't been able to talk to her on the phone since May. And even years before that she wasn't able to talk about anything about how sick she was. I have been grieving the loss of my mother for so long and I miss her so much. And I am so tired of it. I am not taking care of her though everyone thinks I should be. I am not sure if I should be. I made a choice. I am not sure if I am evil because I didn't give up my life 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 year ago to come home and take care of her. She's been sick for almost 10 years. I don't know.

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Soulnik,

First of all, you should try to stop that negative train of thought because if you don't, it will only consume you to the point where you will have no energy to do anything that might be positive or uplifting for your Mom.

I think your first task is to find a way to help her heal. I don't care what the doctors have said about her condition because for the most part, doctors don't really know about alternative medicines and healing techniques that may just be able to help your Mom, instead of just givng her drugs which only treat symptoms and not the problem itself!!!

There is a website that I want you to go to, (www.drday.com). This a website created by Dr. Lorraine day, a doctor, that healed herself by alternative means of her evasive breast cancer, when her doctors gave her less than 6 months to live. One of her methods to treat this cancer was to change her diet completely. In fact, she still drinks 36 pounds of carrots a week. Of course, she juices the carrots, which gives her body the needed nutrients that battle sickness or disease in her body. She uses the "Organic" brand of carrots. Also, she is strictly a vegetarian now and her cancer has not only been cured but she has been cancer free for quite a few years now.

Just maybe you could get your Mom to start drinking carrot juice, starting at 2-3 glasses a day. The juice, itself is so sweet and tasty. Why this works is because the nutrients raise the pH of the body and then, allows the body's natural immune defenses to kick in and begin ridding one's body of whatever ailment or disease he or she may have. They have found that if the body has a pH of 6.4-7.0 then cancer or any of other kind of disease and the organisms that cause it can be killed in a short period of time, but one has to maintain that pH all throughout the day and night. That's why Dr. Lorraine Day consumed so much carrot juice to make sure that her PH was in that range for normal body health.

In fact, on her website are a great many tapes and books that also may be of help to you. Remember, your Mom needs answers as well as your help in whatever form you can give it to her. You are not responsible for her condition nor are you responsible for taking care of her, either. However, what you are responsible for is finding out if she will, at least, try the carrot juice faithfully over a period of weeks to see if there are any positive results. Remember, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, my dear!!!

In the meantime, we will be right here for you to help you in any way we can because your life and the life of your precious Mom is so very important to all of us!!

Always a friend,

Steve D.

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slowlyhealing

Today I am a daughter, trying her hardest to hold on through this ride that I can't stop.

My mom has been living with this disease, and now it seems so real that I will loose her with in the next year. She has ALS we found out three years ago, about the same time my father decided to leave. I was only 17 then, and I took on the responsibility to take care of my mother and my brothers, even though it meant giving up some of my dreams along the way.

My mom got a wheelchair the second year we found out she had the disease, and then her disease seemed to take off. Now my mother can't hold her head up. The hands that taught me how to walk are now unable to move. Her voice that told me that she loved me, is not there... My mother is trapped in a body that won't work, and is slowly deteriorating. I eatch her, helpless. I can help if she needs it, but until then we sit there in the living room, waiting for the next minute.

Today... I am juggling a job, school, and trying to take care of her. It is stressful yes. There are days where I don't, and sometimes can't move, but I know that life goes on, with or without you. I am not dying, though it feels like it on the inside sometime. I can still move on. It hurts to know that my mom won't be there to see me walk down the aisle. She won't be there to holding my babies, but... I have to face that I'm not leaving yet. All I can do now is make the memories last.

Today I'm a fighter... and like many others struggling to survive.

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slowlyhealing

Today... it is a better day, I think. I actually got some sleep. My body is still very tired, and my heart still feels as though it is weighed down. My mom is still here though. It was her birthday last thursday, and though it doesn't look like I'll have her much longer, I know she gave it her best.

We are looking into a tracheotomy. We have been for a while, but now that her breathing seems to be struggled more and more it may be weeks or it maybe a couple months when we actually need to get her one. My brothers seem to be keeping their emotions in at times, but when they talk, I am open to listen, and not judge them about how they feel. They are younger than I am, and I don't know what is going to happen once mom does die. Maybe I worry to much. I mean I know God will take care of me, but... its just the waiting. Time is a killer, yet it is also a healer.

I am so thankful for a place like this where I can right down my hurts and my pains, and I can be encouraged by people like you all, and I can also hopefully encourage you all too.

Today I am... Today I'm still here.

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.:.SlowlyHealing.:.

Bless U through this trying time. My father lost both his parents, and it has been hard on him... he also lost many uncles... cousin and his 2children.. my bro and sis! (half)

i can understand how it is hard watching someone you love so much suffer and slowly go... I spent a long time watching My Father Figure Grandpa... slowly Die... (Dad's Dad) and it hurt... alot... i tried jumping into the casket with him, because i couldnt let go...

i also watched my grandmother go to, she was inna coma.. and she knew i was there, but it was hard... because these ppl are apart of our lives, i mean who can just say "alright ur dying, cya!" they become apart of our lives our hearts...

4awhile i suffered depression bad about my grandpa, i tried taking my life... many times... but once i had my daughter (4month old) she made all that go away, God has truely blessed me, from now and then i know my grandpa is with me... as well with my Nana, brother and sister!

but letting go aint easy, i know that much! it sticks with you...

My Grandpa suffered Bad!.. he was paralized from the neck down... (no use of Fingers...Legs...Arms!) from a drunk driver! hez been like that since my father was 14-15 years old... Can u imagine living your life like that? having some1 feed you..bath you... whipe your butt when you go to the bathroom? lay in your own piss?

i heard him cry @ night, he told my father "if i had the use of my legs, i would work in a coal mine, or shovel horse crap" even though he couldnt do stuff like most grandpaz could... i still loved him everyday! and i still do..

but he is finally free, and i feel no more pain. because he came 2me... he appreared in the livingroom when i was cleaning... i knew it was him behind the curtain... i was the only one home... no1 else was in a wheelchair there...

and hez spirit sometimes comes back home.. because i inhertitade his house! and i live there, its very peaceful and blessed!

you stay strong, god knows we love these ppl whom come and go... and he will surprise you in many ways... because he loves us! you'll see your mother again, and maybe she'll get thruogh this!

im native american so i have 2 beliefs... if you want to hear them... go to the BELIEFS AND RELLIGION under "GOD" other than that

God Bless U* And Be With U And Urs*

My Prayers and Love go out 2you and your family...

Always In My Heart*

Jennifer (Mundaquance - Pretty Grrl)

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2those INTERESTED...

I would prefer you to read "LIFE ON THE OTHERSIDE" Sylvia Browne

it is an amazing book, it has helped me and touched me so much, that i gotten over all the pain in my life i had suffered for. because i had to find reasons 2why my grandpa came 2me.. and i found them in that book.

but im gonna tell you a little bit of my beliefs, and it may help some of you! and it may not...

i am an 19 year old native amaerican indian...

i was raised 2believe in my heritage and there are 7simple things i follow (bravery, honesty, truth, love, courage, belief, and wisdom)im also taught many things in my native traditional dancing.

Jingle- means 2heal our elders whom are sick... 2dance is 2heal them... from any diease they may be suffering, from any pain they may go through.. and i know for a fact it works...

( i also dance Traditional)

Tradition- means 2thank our mother "mother earth" for our brothers and sisters. and what i mean by that is (Brothers) eel outter turtle crane wolf... any animals... and (Sisters) moon stars trees rocks...

i believe in reincarnation, every bit! i believe we're put here from our father "CREATOR/GOD" for a reason... and once we die... we return for rebirth from our mother... as we lay in the ground, our felsh becomes grass, and we feed everything that needs it... because we have 4 choices once we pass on... (2remain a spirit and road the lands) (2return home 2our lord) (2 be reborn... and i mean 2anything animal... person) and (2turn away from the bright light and head 2somewhere unspeakable)

i also believe in the christian ways! because i was taught that too... because my creator and god are the same person 2me!

but once we pass, i know we go into the choice we choose out of the 3places...

some whom think arent good enough and done wrong just stay and roam the lands...

the reason why i wanted to share this, is because it has touched me once i was learning my native ways... and christian, i know our loved ones choose to stay and some choose to go...

but i also think if we hold on... they're gonna stay! if you choose to let go... they will be reborn... and come back 2you... in a baby.. or a animal.. something we can all cherish!

i see both my grandpa and my cousin Tasha in my daughter...

she was due 2be born oct 31st my grandpas birthday... but came early on the 18th... and she is named after my cousin Tasha... and i can see both them in her... and when she grows up! i know i will notice every bit of them in her!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL... MY LOVE AND PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOU!

LOVE IS EVERLASTING!

ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS*

JENNIFER & TASHA (MUNDAQUANCE N' NAANIITUS)

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slowlyhealing

Thanks for the encouraging words Mundaquance.

Today it was hard because in Psychology we had to learn about some diseases, and one we talked about was the one my mom has. I didn't think it would be that hard at first but then I realized half way through the discussion that I really didn't feel comfortable. I prayed that God would let the people drop the subject matter quick, before I started to cry, and eventually we did move on. I believe there was a woman that had a friend that went through it a number of years ago, and well she wanted to see where it came from.

I don't know why it has to be so hard on days, and then other days just seem as though it goes by. I bet many of you can relate. A part of me wants my mom to go home to be with the Lord, because I know that it is not going to get any easier, but then there is that part that is selfish and I want to hold on to her forever. I don't know... Maybe today is just one of those days where I have to hang on for the ride. I'm sure God will be with me today as He has always been. I believe that He will take mom home when we are both ready, although it may not feel it at the time. Oh, God help me through this. I'm worn out again, just when I thought I got my strength.

I'm still here and praying

Nikki

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hi slowlyhealing. could you e-mail me personally. i have a friend who is in the end stages of ALS and i would like to talk to you about your mom's situation. i do wish you all the strength and energy and peace. this is a hard road to travel but be strong and keep praying. heather

heather_od2002@yahoo.com

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.:.SlowlyHealing-Nikki.:.

Im Prayers are always with you and yours!

just keep your head up! and yes i can related 2wanting to let them go, and wanting them to stay!

And if it does get harder in time.. i encourage you NOT 2waste money on a counsler or anything.. because they dont really help... the only one who could help you... is yourself... and believeing you can get through it...

that and talking to friends, and if your friends seem like "oo i always here" than i am always here for you to talk to... i dont mind helping others and listening to there hardtimes... im just glad i can be of astistance...

But 2lose some1 who raised you... that would be hard on me... it really would, so i have no idea what you are feeling.. i just know what its like 2lose some1 you love

Sicerely Ur Friend*

Mundaquance

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slowlyhealing

Thank you for your prayers, mundaquance and heather. It's just one of those days where I need them. I'm in prayer for all of you too, because I know that I'm not the only one here that is hurting by the every day stuggles of life, and loss.

I was thinking maybe counseling would help my brothers a lot. Well at least open a door up so they won't have to hide their feelings. I talk to them as often as I can, when I'm not so tired or stressed out myself. Since we moved they don't have a lot of friends to talk to. My pastor has offered to talk to them one on one, as a counselor. Maybe...

I usually write my feelings, and though they are not always known by others at least I get them out and God knows always. I guess this is why I like this message place so much. It lets me realize I'm not alone, although it feels like it a lot.

God Bless you all and until I write again...

I'm still here.

Nikki

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I went to church tonight. I always go on Wednesday nights. When they asked for prayer requests, I said that I wanted prayer for my family as we go through this difficult time. But I also said that I wanted them to pray for comfort for my mom because she is so afraid of dying. She has these moments when she becomes overwhelmed with panic and fear of dying right then and there and she gets so frantic that she has to be sedated. The sedation scares her even more because she cannot breathe completely on her own and when she is sedated, the machine that breathes for her has to do more work and that makes her feel more out of control. She gets so sad because she also says she is afraid of having to live the rest of her life the way she is now. But it wasn't until today that I realized that I hadn't been praying in my heart for her to have the comfort of just not being afraid - no matter what happens. I prayed a long time ago that our ancestors would be with her and guide her along in her transition from life into death. I even prayed that God would allow her to stay as long as she could. But I also don't want her to be afraid. She spends so much time alone in her own head because the ventilator makes it difficult for her to speak. And often she is unresponsive and incapable of communication because of the infections that are ravishing her body or medications. But when she is lucid she is mostly just afraid. I don't want her to be so scared. I don't know how to comfort her. I feel so helpless.

Slowlyhealing - I relate to the feeling of wanting to let go and yet wanting to hold on. I feel like I've made my peace with the fact that she will die but I don't want her to go. I still want my mommy (even though I haven't really had her for so long.) I don't want her to suffer and be in pain and the agony of waiting and watching is so hard. But I don't want my mom to be gone. I don't want my mom to be gone. I don't want my mom to be gone. I feel like a little kid. I WANT MY MOMMY! I WANT MY MOMMY! I WANT MY MOMMY! I really do. I really do want my mommy. I want so much for her not to be so sick and so sad and so hurt. I ramble. It's 3 am.

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slowlyhealing

Today... I'm here. My mom had another coughing episode last night, and it seems like they are getting so much longer. It scares me, because her lips turn blue and I know she can't breath... she fights to, but she can't. I know that she is not so much scared of dying, because she knows where she will be going, and she knows she will not have to be trapped any longer. She is more worried of leaving me and my two brothers. I don't really know how it feels to feel that way, but I know how it feels to loose a dad, because of his own choices, and I know how it feels to watch my mommy die. I have realize that she was going to die once we got the news about her ALS, I just didn't think it would move this fast. I know God is in control, and I know that he will not give me a load I can't handle, but sometimes I feel as though I'm reaching the breaking point.

Today it's sunny out and it's a really nice day, but... inside I feel... I don't know how to explain it. People around here don't really know how I am actually feeling. They don't know about the pain that is hidden in my heart.

It reminds me of the song by twila paris. The warrior is a child:

They don't know... that I go running home when I fall down. They don't know who picks me up when no one is around. I drop my sword and cry for just a while. Cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.

I believe that describes me. Though when I'm alone I know God is here and he is crying with me, but... I still feel so much like a child. I still want to be told that I am loved. I still want to be held tight by my family. I still want to know I am safe. Now I live in the real world. Am I SELFISH? IS that not want any human wants? God never made us to be alone, but me... I still feel alone when there are people around.

I love my mom, and I don't want her to go through this, but God is still in control, and I know he knows my feelings. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I wish I didn't feel so hopeless.

God... please help me to not feel so hopeless, and alone.

I am still here.

Nikki

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HELLO!!!!! THIS NOTICE IS SENT TO ALL THOSE IN SPECIAL NEED OF HELP WITH CATASTROPHIC ILLNESSES OR SOMEONE THAT YOU MIGHT KNOW THAT IS IN THE SAME LIFE CHANGING SITUATION. I MAY BE ABLE TO PROVIDE YOU WITH SOME INFORMATION THAT MAY CHANGE YOUR FINANCIAL BURDEN LINKED TO YOUR ILLNESS OR THAT LOVED ONE THAT IS HURTING. PLEASE CONTACT ME AT THE EMAIL ADDRESS JEN_LEO@YAHOO.COM OR CONTACT ME PERSONALLY AT 940-382-0149. MAY THE HIGHER POWER THAT YOU LEAN UPON DIRECT YOU IN ALL THAT YOU DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT DAY.

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Today... I'm here. My mom had another coughing episode last night, and it seems like they are getting so much longer. It scares me, because her lips turn blue and I know she can't breath... she fights to, but she can't. I know that she is not so much scared of dying, because she knows where she will be going, and she knows she will not have to be trapped any longer. She is more worried of leaving me and my two brothers. I don't really know how it feels to feel that way, but I know how it feels to loose a dad, because of his own choices, and I know how it feels to watch my mommy die. I have realize that she was going to die once we got the news about her ALS, I just didn't think it would move this fast. I know God is in control, and I know that he will not give me a load I can't handle, but sometimes I feel as though I'm reaching the breaking point.

Today it's sunny out and it's a really nice day, but... inside I feel... I don't know how to explain it. People around here don't really know how I am actually feeling. They don't know about the pain that is hidden in my heart.

It reminds me of the song by twila paris. The warrior is a child:

They don't know... that I go running home when I fall down. They don't know who picks me up when no one is around. I drop my sword and cry for just a while. Cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.

I believe that describes me. Though when I'm alone I know God is here and he is crying with me, but... I still feel so much like a child. I still want to be told that I am loved. I still want to be held tight by my family. I still want to know I am safe. Now I live in the real world. Am I SELFISH? IS that not want any human wants? God never made us to be alone, but me... I still feel alone when there are people around.

I love my mom, and I don't want her to go through this, but God is still in control, and I know he knows my feelings. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I wish I didn't feel so hopeless.

God... please help me to not feel so hopeless, and alone.

I am still here.

Nikki

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Today... I'm here. My mom had another coughing episode last night, and it seems like they are getting so much longer. It scares me, because her lips turn blue and I know she can't breath... she fights to, but she can't. I know that she is not so much scared of dying, because she knows where she will be going, and she knows she will not have to be trapped any longer. She is more worried of leaving me and my two brothers. I don't really know how it feels to feel that way, but I know how it feels to loose a dad, because of his own choices, and I know how it feels to watch my mommy die. I have realize that she was going to die once we got the news about her ALS, I just didn't think it would move this fast. I know God is in control, and I know that he will not give me a load I can't handle, but sometimes I feel as though I'm reaching the breaking point.

Today it's sunny out and it's a really nice day, but... inside I feel... I don't know how to explain it. People around here don't really know how I am actually feeling. They don't know about the pain that is hidden in my heart.

It reminds me of the song by twila paris. The warrior is a child:

They don't know... that I go running home when I fall down. They don't know who picks me up when no one is around. I drop my sword and cry for just a while. Cause deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.

I believe that describes me. Though when I'm alone I know God is here and he is crying with me, but... I still feel so much like a child. I still want to be told that I am loved. I still want to be held tight by my family. I still want to know I am safe. Now I live in the real world. Am I SELFISH? IS that not want any human wants? God never made us to be alone, but me... I still feel alone when there are people around.

I love my mom, and I don't want her to go through this, but God is still in control, and I know he knows my feelings. I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I wish I didn't feel so hopeless.

God... please help me to not feel so hopeless, and alone.

I am still here.

Nikki

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To Nikki: Stay strong and trust God as you are doing. I am a Hospice volunteer and would encourage you to call on Hospice at this time to help you. No one said death was easy or pretty. It is difficult to care for and to watch someone we love go through the dieing process. Prayers and blessings to you and your mother that you may feel His light and love in the coming days, L ^i^

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hi lillybud, i had a question. will hospice provide service if the pt chooses to be on a vent?? isn't that taking things beyond what hospice "believes"??? i'm not sure on the details and that is why i am asking....thanks heather

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To Nikki: Stay strong and trust God as you are doing. I am a Hospice volunteer and would encourage you to call on Hospice at this time to help you. No one said death was easy or pretty. It is difficult to care for and to watch someone we love go through the dieing process. Prayers and blessings to you and your mother that you may feel His light and love in the coming days, L ^i^

Thanks Lillybud for the advice. The only problem is that my mom doesnt really want that kind of help now. I mean...she has my aunt and she is trying her best to help at nights and at days when I'm off at school, but... I don't know. We'll talk about it sometime soon, no doubt.

Today seems to be a hard day. I have no clue why. I woke up and didn't want to do anything, but I knew that I would have to come to school because I have this huge paper due.

Nothing seems to be going right. My little floppy and the updated version of my paper didn't come up, and then my computer crashed sending all my journal enteries and my thoughts and feelings into the trash. I can't find them anywhere.

My mom is really tired all the time now because she has a hard time breathing at night. My aunt is tired, because she is coming to the realization that we may not be able to do this by ourselves anymore. My body is tired, but my mind is telling me to keep on going. Oh, God? Why is it that I feel so alone when You are still here holding my hand? I know I am not the only one that feels this sort of pain and tiredness. I'm sorry if I sound selfish, I don't mean too. I mean I still have my mom here, right? I'm sorry you all.

Still here

Nikki

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DEAR NIKKI,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT TWO WEEKS BEFORE MY DAD 'PASSED'...NOTICE I DON'T SAY DIED, BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T BELIEVE THEY DO...THEY "PASS ON"...MY DAD STARTED SLIPPING INTO A CONFUSED STATE BUT HE WOULD LAY IN BED AND LOOK UP AT THE CEILING AS IF HE SAW THINGS AND HE WOULD CALL OUT FAMILY MEMBERS NAMED WHO "PASSED' BEFORE HIM THAT HE HADN'T SEEN IN A LONG, LONG TIME. I REALLY BELIEVE THAT MY DAD WAS LOOKING UP AT ANGELS AND I BELIEVE HIS FAMILY MEMBERS WERE COMING TO GREET HIM FOR HIS TIME TO "PASS". ONE OF MY BROTHERS WAS SITTING WITH ME AND WAS REALLY SCARED BUT I TOLD HIM DAD WAS LOOKING AT ANGELS. I HAD A READING WITH A MEDIUM SEVERAL MONTHS AGO AND SHE TOLD ME THAT WHEN MY HUSBAND DIED HIS GRANDMOTHER WAS THERE TO GREET HIM AND HELP HIM CROSS OVER (SHE HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT MY HUSBANDS GRANDMA PASSED AND THAT SHE RAISED MY HUSBAND).....MY HUSBAND PASSED PEACEFULLY AND WAITED TO SAY GOODBYE TO ME AND WHEN HE CLOSED HIS EYES HE TOOK ME WITH HIM INTO HIS SOUL......YOUR MOM IS STRONG AND IS READYING HERSELF FOR A JOURNEY THAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND BUT I THINK SHE IS PROBALLY MORE PEACEFUL THAN WE WILL EVER KNOW. WHEN MY DAD PASSED HE CAME BACK TWICE. ONCE TO HIS SISTER IN AN ADC AND ONCE TO MY HUSBAND...THEY BOTH SAID HE WAS HEALTHY AND LOOKED JUST AS HE ALWAYS DID...BOY, DID THAT GIVE ME COMFORT TO KNOW. AND THEN, AFTER MY HUSBAND PASSED I HAD A DREAM AND MY HUSBAND WAS STANDING WITH ME AT HIS CALLING HOURS LOOKING AT HIS OWN CASKET AND HE SAID TO ME, "I AM NOT THERE'. START LOOKING FOR SIGNS EVEN IF THEY ARE LITTLE THINGS BECAUSE THEY ALL MEAN SOMETHING...GOD BLESS YOU AND PLEASE KNOW I AM PRAYING FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND ESPECIALLY YOUR DEAR MOM......GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. KEEP WRITING AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF...WE ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU........................................................LAURA

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slowlyhealing

Thank you Laura for your story, and your kind words. Today has been a rough day, but I am slowly overcoming it. God is still in control, and though the pain is still here, I know He has given me another chance with mom. The journey ahead looks lonely and dark, but I know that with prayers and people like you all with your kind thoughts and your own stories God will see me through

Thanks to God I'm still here

Nikki

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Hi - I am new to this forum. My dad is dying from prostate cancer. He lives alone - my mom has already passed. I am 44 and he is 73. He is crying a lot - is on chemo - too weak to do much, lost his appetite - only eats a few bites a day...I'm afraid he is on his way down. I went over to his house last night and this morning to wash clothes and put a little food together for him. I also took out a lot of trash and stood in there while he showered in case he felt like he would fall (so weak). He is so sad - I think he is sad because he knows his life is coming to an end - he is afraid he will be dying soon. It is so sad. We've offered for him to come stay with us, but he doesn't want to leave home. My sister has offered too - she is upset that he won't. She thinks we should insist because it is not safe for him to stay alone in case he falls. I don't want to push him into something he doesn't want to do. It is so hard to know what's the best thing to do. Just wanted to chat. Thanks.

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Today... Well I'm tired. The stress of school and the stress of not being a perfect daughter in this time where my mom needs me most is wearing down on me. I try my hardest to help when I can, with the right heart attitude, but sometimes I'm so tired. Its not about me. I know this. It hard to fight the urge of wanting what I want from life. It hard to put my life on hold, but I know I must do it.

Sometimes I feel so alone, even though I'm in a crowd that loves me. Not a lot of people know my true feelings, but a few do.

I don't want to loose my mom, but I can't stop this disease from spreading. I understand God is in control, but why does it hurt so badly?

Mom hasn't gotten a lot of sleep since the last time I wrote. She has a hard time breathing when she is sleeping, so she is usually tired by the time I get home from college. Oh how I miss her arms around me, and her voice there telling me I'm doing a good job. I miss hearing "I love you, Nikki."

God knows my heart, and He knows the way I feel, but why is there an empty spot? I don't know what is going to happen in the next couple months. I don't know if my mom is going to be here, but if there is already a hole, what will happen once she dies?

Dear, God...

I don't know the plan for my life right now. I don't know where this trial will lead me, but if it's your will you can take my momma home, just fill my heart with that peace. Help me be a good daughter in the times she needs me now. Help me be a good daughter when she is still around. Don't let this stress carry me away. Give me patience to face tomorrow, and the days to come. Heal my breaking heart... Please heal my breaking heart. Amen.

I'm still here,

Nikki

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Nikki,

I know your heart is breaking and it probally really does feel that way. I know mine feels that way now that my husband has "passed". I really believe now that I've had 9 months to adjust, that when our love ones "pass" they are so happy and completely at peace in the most wonderful place imaginable. I really, really believe that! Your mother will not be suffering any longer. God will comfort her and send her loved ones to her to greet her for when she crosses over. She will not be alone. She will always be with you, watching over you in all that you do. God comforts those who mourn. Your mom will be closer to you than your own heart. When my dad "passed" last year and I sat with him in his room and he was slipping away he would call out names of his family members who "passed" before him. He also would look up at the ceiling as if he saw angels...my brother was with me and it scared the daylights out of him but I said there are angels here with him...I really felt it! I sat that night and prayed that god would take my dad and I never thought I would ever be able to do that but I knew in my heart he was going to a much much better place. He is not sick anymore and after he passed he visited his sister at her house and she is not crazy...she said they talked and she kissed his hand. My dad also came back to visit my husband before he "passed" in May...and my husband told me my dad looked just like he alwsys did.....that gave me so much comfort because my aunt and my husband would never mess with my mind like that as they knew how extremely close I was to my dad.....Your mom is preparing for the most beautiful journey of her life...to be with god and all her love ones...then she will know why she had to endure all this...I think so that when they are there it is worth everything they ever had to endure to be able to appreciate how splendid it is in the "afterlife".....I really do believe that. You keep breathing and praying the best you can and when you can be with your mom, tell her how much she means to you...Those are the memories I will cherish forever with my dad....Keep telling us how you feel......I'm all ears! I will pray for you and your mom...I know what your going thru......My friend said god took my husband so that he wouldn't have to suffer anymore and because our family couldn't take it anymore... There is a reason for everything. Notice I always say, "passed"....they don't die! They are just with us in a different way................Laura

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slowlyhealing

Laura,

Thanks for your words of encouragement and your story. It is very hard, even though my mom hasn't passed yet, but I'm trying my hardest to hang on. I know that God has a beautiful home waiting for her in heaven, where there will be no more pain, or sorrow, or death. I know that she will be so very happy there, and she won't have to worry about the unpromised tomorrow, what I am so thankful to God for making such a place!!!

I'm just so tired though. I don't know what is causing it. I mean I'm happy because my mom is still here, and I try not to think about the days to come, because God wants us to take it one breathe at a time.

Maybe my trouble isn't at home. Maybe its college... Maybe I'm trying to cram everything in before mom dies so she can see that I can make it on my own (with God's help of course)

Maybe its my relationship with God himself... What if I'm not as strong of a Christian that I thought I was... Sometimes I feel so alone and I feel that God has forgotten about me... but then I know He can't. He wouldn't do that to one of his children, would he? Maybe to test them?

God...

This is a test that is to hard for me to handle alone. My body is wearing down, and I don't know where to turn. I feel so very far away from you, and though I am trying to run back, I keep stumbling, and falling. I'm getting upset, and I don't know why. You have given me everything that I need to survive. You have given me love, and you have given me shelter, things that others may never get a chance to enjoy yet I feel so empty. Once my mom goes to be with you... what am I to do? I already lost my dad. He walked his own path to his fate, and now you want me to give you my mom. I may be 19 but I still need someone. Where is my up days? I feel that all I have is down days now. Stress with school and home seem to combine, and then I'm stuck in the middle of a no win situation. One more semester and I will be done with this college. Mom wants me to continue to go to school, but heavenly Father is this what you want? Keep me safe, Father. Don't let me go, for the snake and the lion are at my door, and I am frightened. Lift my mom up. Don't make her death be for nothing. I know it may be tomorrow and it may be in a couple more months, but don't let this be for nothing. I trust you. A child of Yours. Amen

I'm still here

Nikki

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Today... I think its one of those good days. YESSSS! Thank you God! I really needed one this week. I don't really know why I've been down so much lately, but last night I read my bible, and I read about Jonah, though I know this story by heart, it still opened my eyes. Yes my mom is going to go to heaven one of these days, but I shouldn't mourn for her. She can walk up there. She can talk up there. She'll be with the ultimate (spelling may be wrong there) healer. Though I need comfort sometimes, and I need to know someone loves me. I know God will always be here for me to, and my two younger brothers as we go through this bumpy road ahead. Thank you all for letting me share my feelings. I love this message board thing. I never knew it could help me get my feelings out and feel better about my self.

I am in continual prayer for all of you who are going though a trial right now, and Remember even though it hurts, God is still in control and He will heal you if you just give yourself to him. I'll probably write more later if I have a hard time or just want to chat.

Thanks be to God

I am still here

Nikki

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Slowlyhealing,

We all love you and so does god....you have so much strength and you will get thru this....stay close to your brothers and keep praying and take one day at a time...I'm glad you feel better today...............Laura

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Thanks Laura,

I'm finally going to go home. I left about 7:30 this morning and though its only been about a good 5 to 6 hours since I left... it seems like this day is going about the same. I just hope the stress at home isn't high. Last night mom got a little flemmy so we had to use the suction machine a couple times. God is still in control... (Breathing) God is still in control.

I'm still here

Nikki

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21 years ago, my grandmother fell victim to viral pneumonia, which left her kidneys and her heart damaged. She was a fighter though and went through 9 months of peritoneal and hemodialysis. While she was on the PD, she suffered some coronary episodes and became too weak to do the exchanges herself, so I left my job and trained in sterile technique so that I could do them for her. My mother and I became her personal nursing team and cared for her in my home until she passed away peacefully 9 months after her ordeal began.

Fifteen years later, my father was diagnised with prostate cancer. As a result of some complications, he went into kidney failure and needed to go on hemodyalisis. Deja Vu. But he was strong and otherwise healthy, so the treatments were actually working and his doctors were talking about reducing his days and possibly taking him off dialysis altogether within a few weeks.

Then disaster struck. After coming home from his session one evening, he stumbled and fell down the celler steps, hitting his head on the concrete floor. He never regained consciousness. Again my mother and I became his full time nursing staff, along with a wonderful caring RN, we cared for him at home, with all of the suction, oxygen, feeding tubes etc. He passed away after 7 months of loving care.

In January of this year, my closest friend on this earth was diagnised with ovarian cancer. She had been complaining of abdominal pain and nausea for about 10 days. I had been to visit her for the first week in January but I offered to come back to help her if she thought it would help. She said it probably would but not enough to make my flying to the city she lived in worth it, just getting over a bad cold myself. So when, the next day, I got a badly typed IM: come now, i need you, hurts. i need you now, I don\'t have to tell you, I was out the door to the airport before I finished reading the message.

After 20 hours in the ER she was admitted to the hospital. The prognosis wasn\'t good. She asked me at that point to please not leave her alone. Once again, I became the caregiver.

I stayed at her bedside around the clock - using my sleeping bag that I kept in her apartment to sleep in the chair in her room. The nursing staff in the hospital she was in was stretched so thin that they didn\'t even blink at the sight of this unusual pair.

She was getting weaker day by day, so her care needs grew with each passing hour. Her biggest concern was that she was treating me like a nurse and a servant, ordering me around for her needs and that we\'d never be able to go back to just bing friends. My reply to her was that we\'d never stopped being friends. That friends do what is needed when its needed. And that right now she needed a nurse and a servant. So that\'s what this friend had become for her. And when she no longer needed them this friend would still be exactly that. A friend again.

My friend passed away on February 10th, 2005. I kept my promises to her: I was at her side to the end, holding her hand just as I said I would be. She was never alone. When the doctors confirmed what in my heart I already knew: that there was no hope of her recovering from the respiratory attack that put her on life support without severe brain damage, I kept my last promise to her. I gave the doctors the approval to release her from her pain. As they disconnected the machines that had been breatrhing and keeping her heart going for the past 18 hours, I reminded her that I loved her and that she wasn\'t alone. She squeezed my hand at that point and passed away about 5 minutes later.

I have been the caregiver to the 3 people who\'s loss has effected me the most profoundly. Losing a loved one is never easy, but knowing that you gave them the love and caring that they needed in their last trials somehow makes the loss more bearable.

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slowlyhealing.........hi. are you still here????? i think about you and your mom so often and i was just wondering how you and she are doing??? heather

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slowlyhealing

Heather.

I'm still here.

Mom is doing a little better since her cold subsided, but... I know its not over. Its not over for her, yet... and even when she does pass she'll be in heaven, and her true pain free life will begin. Its not over for me... Even though there are those days where I watch her and I feel as though I am dying with her. God is still with me, and slowly but surely I'm running back to his arms for the comfort I truly need. Funny how God uses such things to draw us back, isn't it?

My grandparents are coming today. I'm nervous. They're my mom's parents, and they are so much stronger Christains than I am. Will they judge me for I am struggling? Or will they realize that I'm trying... I truly am trying.

Where has all the time gone? In three more weeks I will be 20. I remember sitting in my mothers arms the day my parents adopted me. I remember her wispering that I'm hers. I am finally hers.

I don't know... I don't know what tomorrow brings, but today I'm getting by. One step after another.

GOD is still GOD. God is in control

Nicole

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Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

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changing the way you feel about grief and loss

You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions.Take care, Julie

Sorry My computer says this is not an address....so since I'm the open sort, here is what I would have e-mailed:

I'm new and trying to decide where to post...

I'm pretty lost, but, I've figured out that:

1. I do not want to die of some disease who's risk factors are stress. [Alzheimer's, and breast cancer, etc.]

2. I do not want to be defined by the cumulative effect of my losses.

[job lay off '91, progressively bad marriage 25 years, nasty divorce '95, father's cancer '01, home of 25 years '02-04, Horse '03, Mom to Alzheimer's '05]

3. I want to find direction for my life, even though right now I no longer enjoy, much of anything. [my animals, or my career, and I worry that grad school may be a waste of time.

4. I do not want to make mistakes that will make this worse. For example; The MD who Rx'ed Prozac, said "If I did not take it for at least a year, It would make me worse." To me that is drug dependence, revolting. [and absolutely no chance i would remember, I never do]

example 2; Counseling is very $$$$ and so far a waste of time energy, and money! I've met: a. Fluffy bunnies [do nothing] b. Sadists [have you pull the scabs off, but no ointment or bandaid.] c. Is it all a hoax or? I'm still trying....

5. There are little things too. I need to loose the 30-50 pounds I gained taking care of Mom at the end. I need to get back some income ASAP, but I work in a service industry and being 'happy and bright' is prerequisite! I don't want to be this sad for ever.

6. I know I will sorrow, and grieve, I don't want to become one of those shadow people who shrink into being unhappy people, or at least less -------------[can't think of the word, effective?] than before.

Thanks, k

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Thank You Jennifer,

You helped me, a lot.

k

2those INTERESTED... Tradition- means 2thank our mother "mother earth" for our brothers and sisters. and what i mean by that is (Brothers) eel outter turtle crane wolf... any animals... and (Sisters) moon stars trees rocks...
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slowlyhealing

Today... I'm tired. All of our guest are leaving today. A part of me is really upset while the other part is relieved. I'm also back at College again after what seemd like to short of a break. I just have one more sememester to go... I keep telling myself that, but it doesn't always seem to motivate me. I'm upset today, and I can't really tell anyone why because I truly don't know myself. I don't know if its cause I'm still in college, BUT I still have another two years at a regular 4 year college, not trying to remind myself. I know it'll all be worth it once I get my degree... But...

I don't know if its cause the guest are leaving? I mean its really nice to have them around, especially at this time where mom can still know what is happening around her, and respond with a simple smile or frown.

Maybe its cause I forgot about this stupid homework assignment. See even the little things like that can cause me stress in my ALL READY stressed out life. Maybe... I'll find out later today... why I'm feeling so down. I hate this... I hate being upset over nothing at times. I know that it won't be long now. I don't know if mom will make another year, but if its God's will she could. I pray God will help me through this. THis second of loneliness and doubt, this second of pain and grief.

I'm still here... Please pray for me and my family.

Nicole

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Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

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slowlyhealing

I'm tired yet again. There has been a lot going on outside the family and inside. It seems like death is surround me. I try my hardest to lean on the ultimate Comforter, but it seems like I am failing. I try very hard to be patient, and I hold on to ever moment I have with my mom, but inside I feel like exploding. I know she never wanted me to be put in this situation and I know its hard for her... to see me hurt and angry at times. I truly try. I truly do. I don't mean to get upset, and stressed out. I'm trying so hard to be patient.

God what am I doing wrong? I don't know what to do anymore. Days are getting longer, and my heart is starting to harden again to block out the pain. I don't want it to harden. I want to trust you and love you, Lord, but It's getting so very hard, and sometimes I don't feel you. What do I do?

I'm still hanging on. I'm still trying hard to show my mom I love her by my actions and my thoughts and feelings. I truly don't mean to get upset. I don't. I feel like I'm failing her. I feel like I'm failing everyone, and I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm tired today. I'm tired of the pain, but I know I need to live on too.

I hope you all are having a better day than I am. It might just be the weather that's making me so down... I haven't figured it out yet.

In my prayers.

I'm still here,

Nicole

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Nicole,

I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. It is really hard to be your age and have to deal with so much.

I'm glad to see you are sharing.

Take Care,

Julie

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slowlyhealing

Thank Julie.

It does truly help to share, even if its just getting it out there, and no one responding back. As long as I just get my feelings out and not keep them inside I think it is so much healthier.

I'll admit that it isn't easy, but with God's help I'm making it through and with help from others even though I don't know them I am touched by the messages on this chain of talk boards. I don't feel so alone anymore. There are other peoples like me that are going through the same things, I just couldn't find anyone around here to share their hearts and pains. Its an amazing feeling to know that your not alone. I knew deep inside my heart that others were hurting around this world, but this brings it so much closer to home. It makes me feel as though I have a reason to move on. It makes me feel as though maybe by getting my story out there I can also touch others.

God bless you and your family, and heal any pain that you are going through at this time in your own life

Nicole

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Hi,

We here at Beyond Indigo are looking to talk to people who are going through

the end-of-life process. We are looking specifically for people who are sick

and are being cared for by a former spouse -- someone they once were

married to and have re-established a relationship with in life's later

hours. We would be interested in talking with people who are sick, or their

former spouses. If the sick person has already passed, we be interested in

speaking with the care giver.

If you know someone please email me at kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly

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starchilde

Today I am still trying to find me... i lost my son March 25th, and he had been born with disabilities, which made me not only his mom, but his caregiver for 24 1/2 yrs. I never once regretted taking care of my son... even though people all around me would say, when are you going to put Brendan in a home, so you can "have a life". They never understood that Brendan was a HUGE part of my life, and I WANTED him to be around me, he was as much a support to me, as I was to him.

Now he is in another place where I cannot go. I know he is still with me, in heart and memories, but I am having such a hard time of this. I have never had such a pain, as my heart does now, even though I have lost those close to me.

Redefining who I am, is hard.I know I will, but right now it feels like my very heart has been ripped out.

Bren... you are missed and loved~ always. Momma

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waynesliljeanne

Starchilde,

Shame on those who thought that being a mom only meant if your child was "normal" and that anyone requiring extra time and care should be handed off to someone else.

There's no rush to "rediscover" yourself. Take the time to find out what you really want from this life now. It takes courage & determination just to face each day when you know what kind of hurt it will bring. No one who has lived without ever knowing this pain can understand how much effort it takes just to get up in the morning. Congratulations on realizing that you are able to do so.

One minute at a time.

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Today I am feeling very alone. My husband of 37 years, aged 61 is in a nursing home suffering from Picks Disease, one type of dementia. He's been in there for 3 months now, and my phone doesn't ring and it seems like everyone is getting tired of me and my depression. My daughter told me off yesterday, my son doesn't phone, and doesn't want to know about what is happening to his dad. My husband's family are very unsupportive and now that my husband is a zombie, they are coming to see him after 10 years of treating him very badly. He doesn't remember 10 minutes later that they were there, but I become depressed for weeks after they leave. I am the one who has had to keep things going and visit him almost every day. If I say I am upset and depressed, my sister-in-law says "it's all about me". I am looking for a job, volunteering, and trying to keep my head above water. Today, the sun is shining, but I don't feel very happy. I know I'm depressed and I am working on getting help from my doctor.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Beverlyjune, do what you must to help yourself. You are also important. I am so sorry your own family and children can't seem to find it in their hearts to be supportive of the wife and mother who has lovingly cared for your husband and your children for so long. I m sorry for the unloving way they are treating the father and brother they should be loving. Caring for a loved one for a long time is depressing. I've been caring for my wife for several years, and it's overwhelming at times. You have found a place to talk about things, and to receive the all the help we can give you. Please feel welcome to talk freely and enjoy the feeling of being one of a group of caring friends. We are here, and we'll always listen.

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I am not sure if this is the correct place to ask for help. But here goes my story.

My boyfriend, Scott's, father is dying of cancer. They found it in his lungs, liver and stomach. His dad is currently on morphine and they are giving it to his father every 4 hours. The doctors told my boyfriend last night that there is nothing they can do at this point.

I have only been dating been dating Scott for 2 1/2 months. I have never met his parents. He calls me twice a day to talk to me about this situation (sometimes crying) and comes over in the evening to relax with me on the couch where i cuddle him and stroke his head hoping to eleviate some of this pain that he is feeling.

I have never been through a death before. I am not sure what to do or how to help him. I talk to him and hold him but am unsure of what to say.

The other issue is that we are still new and I am trying to figure out what is happening between the two of us. We had started with a long distant relationship - seeing eachother only a few times over a few weekends. Now he is back in town for a period of time which is TBD based upon his fathers condition. When i think about our relationship I immediately feel guilty because his pain and thoughts are what should be important not my issues on our relationship. It makes me feel selfish and uncaring. We are not having any sex since this has occured which also makes me wonder if he has lost a sense of sex drive due to the situation or whether he is not viewing me in that light anymore. I want to be there for him and be helpful but am feeling quite lost and confused and in a bit of a twilight zone. I want to continue the relationship with him but do not want to end up being a bad memory for him after this is all done - and him being unable to be with me because i remind him of the time when his father was sick. I also can't go by to visit him and his family because I have not met them yet and this situation would be awkward. It is tough though listening to him cry over the phone, talking about the situation, him coming over in the evening to get some human contact. I have no problem doing this for him because he is a fantastic person with a great heart - and I know he needs me right now - also I am probably the only person he is talking to about his situation at such depth.

What do I do? How do I react? I don't want to say or do the wrong thing. will he end up not being able to be with me in the future?

Any advice would be helpful and appreciated. I don't understand his pain and have no one to talk to about this that can help.

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