Estranged Father died 6.10.12 unexplained causes

[nicole610]

Hi All,

My father whom I have had a very limited relationship with died a month ago. I was raised by my stepdad from age 9 but saw my father sporadically until age 16 when I then went 7 years with no contact. I saw him once or twice in 2003 after I got married and then in 2006 when I had my first child, he tried to establish a relationship with me out of a desire to have contact with my son. But, as in all the years past, the pull of drugs and a very hard lifestyle made this reconnection very short-lived. He was very abusive to my mother (who divorced him when I was 5), to the point of homicide attempts and I believe he molested my sister who is much older than me. So, overall not what we'd call an upstanding person. But, my sister maintained a relationship with him and her struggle right now is so hard for me to watch. I want to be strong for her, but I myself am becoming so depressed and have been sabotaging all of my relationships - with my husband mostly, but also with a few close friends. All of the questions I grew up with have returned with a vengence; "How can anyone love me if my own father was never there for me?", "I'm destined to just be disappointed." And worse is that I have begun projecting all of these insecurities upon my husband. I told him today that he is just like my father for breaking promises to me... all my husband did was stay out too long in his canoe but I screamed and told him it was the same as always been told "Daddy will be here at noon to pick you up.... no, 5pm.... no, he isn't coming."

I want to muster up some good memories to cling to and I can't... I feel guilty for never trying harder. I feel angry for the pain he is causing even now as his death was very bizarre and we won't even have any answers until the autopsy report comes back the end of July. We assumed it was an overdose but the initial toxicology report ruled that out. I almost feel like I'd be better if it were an overdose because then there would be a tidy little compartment for this anger... I could say, "You did this, you drug addict." But my emotions are everywhere... I am aching so badly for my sister and her husband and my nephew (he is an adult). My brother in law and nephew were called to my Dad's house and had to sit there for 5 hours during the initial investigation when my Dad was found an estimated two days following his death. They saw a lot and I fear this is all going to keep spiraling. Even today, my dad's dog that he had for 13 years died. My sister was taking care of it and the poor thing just didn't get up this morning.

I am grasping at straws and feel like I'm losing my mind. My husband is getting mad that I am sleeping late on the weekends and am not motivated and I am angry that he can't seem to understand. I wish someone could tell me how long this takes... an expiration date on this hurt. I know it doesn't work that way.... I don't even know what my question is. I just want some tips or some resources I guess to help me cope with this depression and anger that are weighing on me. I feel like I can't breathe anymore its all so heavy.

thank you for listening/responding/praying.

[ModKonnie]

Nicole,

There is no time limit as to when the hurt stops; however, it does get better by talking and sorting through your feelings. You may need to look into some professional counseling or a grief and loss group to help you. All sorts of feelings come out when you experience a loss such as a parent.

As for your sister, just listen to her. Be patient, and let her deal with her loss in her own way.

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[cant move on]

nicole . First I,m sorry for your loss and thank you for responding to my post, it helps to talk to people even when there are no clear answers available. ModKonnie is right you should at least make your dr (if you have one) aware of how you are feeling. Not neccesarily to go on drugs or counseling but just to let him/her in on it in order to monitor your progress. It hasn't been very long for you but you can't let depression take root. Also support groups are really helpfull, and best of all they're normally free other than dues to pay for the premise, coffee, etc. There you can talk to others in the same position as you. Unless you're a social butterfly which I am not, there will be a bit of discomfort at first until you realize that you're all in one big boat. When I first decided to go I circled the building the night of the meeting and went home at least three meetings in a row. Once I got as far as the front door. When I did finally go in my eyes were as big as saucers, and could barely breath due to anxiety, but after about ten minutes it was as if I had known everyone there for years. Good luck and keep posting, it will help you as well as others.

[nicole610]

Thank you both for your replies. I actually went to my doctor about a week after my dad died because just a year ago I had successfully come off of 10 years of being medicated for bipolar disorder. I feared slipping into a scary manic episode but definitely didn't want to be medicated again. I have been treated successfully with some homeopathic and herbal remedies as needed over the past year and so far these are still helping. But I did see the doctor to make him aware of what is going on and encouraged my sister to go as well, which she did. It feels better to "talk" on here instead of the feeling I have been getting after a solid month of talking to my family/close friends and feeling like I am burdening them, feeling like they are thinking "you barely spoke to your Dad, isn't a month long enough to get over this?!" and also feeling like they just say all the wrong things... I know they are trying but the words sound empty after a month of the same statements. So, I expect I'll be around here for a while as it is feeding my natural inclination to write instead of speak and relieves me of the pressure to always say the right thing to my family so they don't think I'm about to go nuts. Thank you again!