Room for one more?

[heartbeataway]

Hi,

My name is Bonnie. I would like to introduce you to my son, Jason.

Jason was born in Fairfax, Virginia on October 27th, 1975.  I waited a long time to have him and was thrilled to be pregnant.  He was born 15 days late and weighed seven pounds even. He was the only child I was physically able to have.

Jason grew up and became a fine young man.  He loved mud and trucks, had a great big heart, and a ton of friends. He made a mean guacamole and marinated a fantastic steak.  He liked Apple Crisp, corn bread, crab cakes, Sweet Potato Casserole with Pecan Topping and hot sauce.

He loved family.  He LOVED family.  I come from a large dysfunctional family.  I was proud that my little family was intact and so close.

Jason was engaged to be married October 13th.  He had started and built a construction company in Virginia.  We were planning to move there and he and his Dad were going to grow the business.  Start building homes together.

Jason died suddenly and unexpectedly April 28th, 2007.  The autopsy revealed he had a rare heart disease, ARVD/C.  His first manifestation was sudden death.  I still have times when I can hardly believe this happened.  Where is he?  I need him here.  Why??  We'll never know the answer to that question.

He was like air to me and I'm having trouble breathing.  I need a place to come where folks understand and are not judgemental.  I lost my only child.  Along with Jason, we lost our future. No grandchildren. No one calls me Mom anymore. Our family name ended. We will grow old without the hope and security of him to look after us.

We just move along trying to figure out the next step in this "journey" that we've been thrust into.  I really don't know what to do.  I just need to ramble now and again............

Hope thats okay ....... thanks.

Bonnie, A Grieving Mom in Texas

[align=center]Jason Michael Holloway[/align]

[align=center]October 27th, 1975 ~ April 28th, 2007[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[mikesmum]

Bonnie - Thank you for introducing Jason.  A handsome lad, with what seemed to be a life that need to be lived.  Many of us found this site by accident. Having found it though it truly is the place to come, to question, to cry, to ponder as best of all.....just be knowing that you are not ever alone, your journey is so similar in many ways - the most important "you have lost your child'.

I came here in April 07 - my eldest son Micheal died Jan 07.  I still have two children and was blessed with grandbabies, so I cannot imagine losing the one child I waited so long to have and not have anyone to carry on his legacy.

Please come often, the benefits of being able to speak of your son and your journey will be evident many many months from now, but believe me BI has kept me from totally letting go........No one here has answers, just true pure empathy.

Blessed be - Trudi

 

 

[mamabets]

For heartbeataway~ I am so, so, so sorry that life has led you here to all of us, but I am comforted in knowing that as you begin this long, painful journey, you will always know that we are all here for you, and we understand your every breath.

My 25 year old son, Danny, passed away in June of 2004. This place here called Beyond Indigo has been a source of hope when I was left with none, in spite of so many other people in my life that I have had to live for.

PLEASE, Bonnie, keep coming here to let out any and all of your feelings. We all welcome you into our "family" here with open arms and for always, there is more than enough room and love for you and  your broken heart, OK?

LOVE

mamabets

[4everjoeysmom]

Your story is so heartbreaking, Bonnie.  I'm so very sorry for your pain, though can completely understand where you are in it and why.  So often everyone around us gives us a little bit of time to be different, and then they expect us to continue on "in their lives as they want us to be".  Though many of them love us and care, they cannot possibly understand that we have lost along the way and it is not only earth shattering, but life changing as well.  We will never be who we were before.  That doesn't mean we won't be of value in life as we pick up the pieces that we can muster along the journey, but it is so very difficult and we do need a lot of time and patience.  Here, at BI, we have that among people and friends who truly know where we are, through the various stages of grief and recovery, and provide compassionate company when we feel so very isolated and alone.  There had been many a night when I couldn't sleep that I could com ehere and post the contents of my heart, and someone else would post something that would resonate and often bring me a little comfort.  I do hope and pray you can find that here.  It's a tragedy that any of us have to be here.  It's a blessing that there is this place that we can gather knowing others will care and understand.  My heart goes out to you and your husband.  Jason, a beautiful son gone too soon... I know.  And it is so very, very tragic and sad.  Please know we are here for you.  -Claudia (JoeysMom) 

[wyomingsal]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son Jason.  Losing a child is so unbelievable and horrible. A huge part of you is ripped away and you are never the same.  I can't even imagine losing an only child.  I know your heart must be breaking each and every day.  My oldest son Joshua died July 20, 2007 at the young age of 10.  He would have turned 11 last September.  That day in July will forever be etched into my memory as the worst day ever.   I still sit every day and can't really believe I will never see my Joshua again here on earth.  Thank you for sharing a little bit of your Jason with us.  He sounds like an amazing young man. 

Sal

[heartbeataway]

mikesmum,

Thank you for your gracious response. You found BI the month we lost Jason.  You just went through your first set of holidays without him.  Wow!  Was that ever tough for us. 

Christmas 2006 was so great. Our Christmas picture is attached. I couldn't even be home this year.  We went to Detroit and spent Christmas with my husbands 83 year old Aunt.  No tree, no gifts .......

We did send out a card.  When Jason was in pre-school he brought home a gingerbread man that his little hands made.  He ran in the house and put it on the front of the Christmas tree.  It was big and not really all the attractive .....

After that, I always put "Gingy" on the tree but more towards the back.  By Christmas morning, he would reposition it to the front of the tree.  This happened consistently up until his last Christmas in '06.

Our cards had a picture of his "Gingy" on the front and we put the story inside. We made 77 replica "Gingy's" and sent them out with a card attached. It read, "Please place this replica on your tree and remember the little boy that was, the man he grew to be, the love we knew and the spirit he is today".  It was our way of including him in the holiday.

It's a pleasure to be here.  Nice meeting you. 

Thanks again,  Jason's Mom, Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

mamabets,

Thank you!  I look forward to sharing Jason with you. I feel the same, it's sad that life has put us together like this.

What's it like in the second year, the third?  Everyone says this horrible pain gets easier to bear.  Is that true?

I have days that are just filled with despair.  I miss our boy more than I have words to express. And the scary part is that it hasn't been ten months yet.  I have the rest of my life to go..........

Thanks!  It's a pleasure meeting you.

Jason's Mom, Bonnie

[align=center]Jason on his four wheeler[/align]

[heartbeataway]

foreverjoeysmom,

Thank you for your gracious posting. We are all missing our children. We will always be missing our children.  I feel comfort knowing there's a place I can come where my thoughts, tears, bad days, good days, can't believe it days will be understood.

Jason's last words to me were, " I love you Mom".  This was how we ended every phone conversation. We talked Thursday afternoon, he left to go camping on Friday and died Saturday morning.

Nothing was left unsaid or unfelt. I'm really grateful for that.

Thank you again.  I look forward to learning more about your Joey. Nice meeting you!

Jason's Mom, Bonnie

The picture is of a "To Do" list that Jason had written on a box in his garage. I love it!

[heartbeataway]

wyomingsal,

Bless your heart!  Just July for you!  Your Joshua was so young!  I'm truly sorry!

I know what you mean about days that it just doesn't seem possible. I find myself all the time saying, " he just can't be gone".  The first six months after Jason's death are almost a blur to me. I got up in the morning but I didn't function very well.  I didn't go out hardly at all. I had almost no composure. I would go to bed at night and the last thing on my mind was, "please don't let me wake up".  It's gotten better but I still have times when it just seems like too much to bear.

I crave the sound of his voice, his smile and the knowledge that he's doing okay.

Why .............  I just wish I could understand why.

Nice to meet you Sal.  I look forward to more chats.

Jason's Mom, Bonnie

[lorismom]

Dear Bonnie ~ I just wanted to say how deeply sorry I am for your recent loss of your only child, Jason. I'm glad though that you found BI, as it has been a lifeline for me since losing my 34-year old daughter, Lori, in a car accident almost 4 years ago. She, too, was my only child and best friend. Time has helped to ease the pain, softening the grief a bit, but I will always miss her dearly. There is a lot of love and support here from other moms and dads traveling this long journey. My heart is with you. Love, Patty

[heartbeataway]

Thanks Patty,

I'm having one of those days.  I'm just tired "to the bone" as my grandmother would say.  I'm weary of trying to smile when my heart is so heavy.

Thanks!

[mikesmum]

Hey Bonnie - I laughed when you mentioned how tired you were.  The phrase bone weary is something I tell my doctor and the psychologist when they ask how I feel.  Its a good old acurate saying.

Love the to do list and am so please you spoke with your boy, love you mum is somthing to hold onto.  Mike left a message on our home phone the day before he died.  In essence he said things were going better, he had some appointments he was keeping and he would call tomorrow, he  loved me then..... bye. 

Home from work late that night I thought I would call him till the next day from work.  9.35am that next day we received a call for 31yr old male in cardiac arrest.

I never got to speak with him, to hear him say I love you other than that message.......

It has taught me that no matter how late, how tired I might feel, if my kids call and I miss it....I will always always call back.  I never ended a conversation without saying I love you and never said goodbye without a hug........something I am so glad I did...the memories of these 'hugs' bring me great comfort.......

Please share more of your boy.....it truly makes our journey here somewhat bareable knowing the great company our children are keeping now....

Blessed be....Trudi

[heartbeataway]

Mikesmum,

Our son's were the same age.  Jason was 31 when he went away.

I'm having such a hard time lately.  I don't know if it's because Thursday will be 10 months or that the one year anniversary is right around the corner. Or maybe it's just because.

I've cried almost all day. I'm having one of my, "I can't believe he's really gone days".

I know that my grief is no deeper than anyone else's. My heart is no more broken than anyone else's. My loss is not more profound than anyone else's. My son was no more special than anyone else's. But, sometimes I feel  so very alone in this world of grief.

JasonH's Mom, Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Bonnie -   No matter how old, our children should never die before us......sorry that is just how I feel. Age on a certificate belies the life that has gone before......

I look at the picture of Mike holding his new born daughter (Oct 05) and am angry she will never feel her daddy's hugs, hear his whispered bedtime stories, giggle at his butterfly kisses.........not to have his daughter in our lives makes his death more unbearable.

Its been 13 months and still there are days of PJ's, tears, phones off hooks and minimal sleep.  They hit without warning and many times I am at a loss as to what triggered them.

Best I have learnt being here is be kind to yourself.  "Let yourself grieve your loss your way".  To listen to the words of those who will never know enormity of this experience only brings you back to day one.....when the sky fell, the world stopped turning and everything you knew to be true ceased to exist.

Come often, post when you can.  BI has been and will for the most part  the one place I can speak of my grief, my sadness and my beautiful boy without fear.....

Mike, here is another mum, struggling like me to survive.  Hopefully you have caught up with Jason and together you soar! I miss you so much my son.....my heart breaks with each mention of your name.  Love you my son, my son.

Blessed be -Trudi

[iansmom]

What a beautiful tribute to your son Bonnie. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I understand completely where Trudys coming from with the days in pj's when you just can't seem to move past the grief enough to take care of the daily activities. I still have days when I find it hard to breath because I miss my son so much.  I think some may have thought that i fell off the earth because my social status is all but nil and void.

Have you had time to think about putting together a memorial site? It was a little over a year when I could pull myself together enough to do one and it was very therapeutic for me. Ian's cousins and friends put together a my-space site for him where they go to visit and leave messages too. Another thing I did was leave a journal and ink pens in a weather sealed box so who ever wants to could leave a note when visiting his grave site. To read the notes his friends leave is helpful to me and my family. The man that tends to the yard tells me of times when large groups of teens gather there periodically, even still, almost 2 yrs. later. 

It's hard to think of moving on without our kids because this is not the natural order of things. But always know that this is a good place to vent, no judgement because everyone here is on the same path, loss of a loved one.

[heartbeataway]

I have thought about a memorial site but haven't done it yet. We are trying to determine how to handle the first anniversary in April. We don't necessarily want to commemorate the saddest day of our lives.  I'm just kind of numb right now. I've had a few days that have been tough to get through. It really is a non-linear journey!

Thanks for the gracious posting.

Love! from one grieving Mom to another, JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, Some folks have big events to commemorate and remember their precious children, because it's a way that all of the child's friends and family can "be together and remember".  It feels so good for Joey's dad and I to be around Joey's friends when we get the opportunity.  But for me, personally, I have chosen very intimate settings to think about Joey on that fateful day.  Last year, my first, I sat alone on my front steps with a bottle of bubbles.  I blew bubbles for a while and watched the colorful balls float up and away...and I cried, and cried, and cried.  I needed it to be more intimate.  Others need to be around people.  It's a personal matter of the heart, really.

I'm so sorry for the super-rough waves that are crashing against you right now.  My heart is sad for yours, because I know how broken I was in moments like those.  They still come, but smaller, leaving more quickly...  My prayer for you today is peace and some rest.  Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmomrs]

Terry;  such a beautiful picture; the joy jumps off the page. 

I have read the posts of yourself and Lana and Bonnie and my heart breaks for you all, (as well as all of us who find a reason to be here at BI).  Your grief is so raw, and reaching out like this really does help. 

My son, Mike, died of brain cancer, and so I did have the time before his passing, knowing that it was coming, but I honestly don't know which would be better...knowing, or the 'phone call.'  Losing an only child is unimaginable.  I am fortunate enough to have two other children, my daughters, who are 43 and 39 and they each have two children.  Mike left three young children, and they are our true delights, but this delight is sometimes so bittersweet, as our hearts break knowing that Damon, Mike's youngest, will never remember the warm hugs of his dad, as Mike died just before Damon's 2nd birthday.  Mike died on Oct 14, 2006, but some days it feels like a week ago. 

Yes, the pain softens, the grief is not so gut-wrenching all the time, but still those tsunamis come and knock you to your knees.  Like many others here, though, I truly believe our wonderful children are together, and have led us all here, to find support and love and caring, which is offered freely, without judgment, and that we will all one day be together again, loving and hugging and laughing.   

I do ask for some help at this time...my grandson, who is 22, was diagnosed with biploar disorder in his early teens, but never found the "niche" for treatment that he felt comfortable with, so went off his meds a few years ago.  I know that, like a lot of kids in his spot, he has self-medicated with alcohol and pot, but he has called me recently, and is asking for help.  Of course, he does not have any insurance, and as you likely know, it makes it very difficult to get treatment.  Even the community centers aren't much help...no appointments any time soon unless you are suicidal, etc.  We stay in close touch with him, talk with him every day, as he has expressed severe depression at times, and swings back and forth, as bipolars do, along with bursts of anger that he has learned to control somewhat through his music---he writes a LOT of music, and plays some.  His mom is dx'd bipolar, and has been on meds for a long time, and has been pretty stable now for about 8-9 years, and he stays in close touch with her, also.  He does not live with her, though, has been living on his own since 18.  Right now  he is staying in our new home, (which we haven't moved into yet as we haven't sold our current home), until he moves into an apt with a friend of his whose roommate is leaving soon to be married.  Anyway, I do ask that you keep us in your prayers that we can find him some help...I am going to cash in some of his savings bonds to pay for an evaluation and hopefully treatment will begin soon. 

I am on anti-depressants which are monitored by a nurse practitioner, and I am going to try to get him an appt with her as she is fairly young and he may connect with her sooner than an older doctor...I don't know, I am just hoping, as I am sure you all understand.  He has said he would go, so he is going to call for an appt.  I just pray he keeps it. 

I am so very, very sorry for your losses and your heartbreak.

love and peace to all, and wishing peaceful memories to ease our days as we travel on this journey together,

carol  mikesmomrs

[iansmom]

Bonnie, I just wanted to share what we did on the one year mark (I have a hard time calling it an anniversary) but anyway we had a candle light vigil. Because there were 3 lives lost I wasn't alone. Your situation is totally different than ours because we had an accident site to go to. These 3 kids were the most popular so this was huge, 2 streets were blocked off. Anyway, we had balloons to release, one of Ians lifetime friends sang acapella the song "Friends" There were family, friends, pastors, lawyers, police friends, etc... there to remember our kids. It was very emotional, but it was a good thing. It helped in a way to know so many cared so much about our kids. Of course with a crowd that big it was hard but I got up there and spoke my heart. We're 3 days away from the 2 year mark. Our plan is to go to Ians favorite fishing spot at the Gulf of Mexico, and because he enjoyed golf so much Claudia had a good idea about putting messages on the golf balls and driving them into the Gulf as part of remembering Ian. This may not be the kind of thing you would do but it's just an idea. Something to keep busy.

I hope this pic comes out alright of the one year vigil collage

[heartbeataway]

Ian'sMom,

I love the idea of the candlelight vigil. I also really like the golfball idea.  Jason was on the golf team in high school and continued to play. His Dad is actually going to participate in a golf tournament that benefits the heart program at the University of North Texas on Jason's death day.

Thank you!  The pictures are incredible.  I know you've heard it a million times but I am so sorry for your loss!

JasonH'sMom, Bonnie

[iansmom]

It seems like we're struggling to make this work. But I do understand the Wildlife and Fisheries stand about the golf balls. So, I'm gunna be shopping tomorrow to find what we can use to replace the golf balls. We may use pumas rocks, or the vine balls. I don't know. But I will figure something out before the days end. I just bought a bunch of flowers to spread out across the water and I'm about to go to NuNu's to pick up some rose peddles to add to the flower array on the water. It's supposed to be really nice Sunday, hopefully it won't be too windy.

 

Ian's 36 lb. Red Snapper

[4everjoeysmom]

Faith, whatever activity works out, I am praying that God will send His Holy Spirit to heap an extra portion of strength and peace on you as you prepare to face tomorrow.  From past, I think the preparation days are harder than the actual day.  I believe being with Ian's friends will warm your heart and bring you great comfort as you all honor Ian together in a way that glorifies God.  Bless you, my friend!  Claudia