I don't know how to deal with this

[cant move on]

I was diagnosed with ptsd years ago and lost my wife five years ago. Treatment for ptsd was successful at first but about two years ago the ptsd relapsed full force but this time with my unshakeable belief that I am responsible for her death. My new treatement is doing nothing and my psychologist says it's because I don't think I deserve to get better so I'm fighting the treatment. If i'm going to move on I have to figure out how to overcome this guilt. I initially met T. fourty years ago, but we went on seperate ways. After I got divorced from my first wife (she said she couldn't handle the army way of life). I met up with T. again at a funeral and we ended up getting married. Funny how things go round to where they should be. Because of our questionable family backgrounds we knew that we were prime candidates for alcoholism so we never drank. But after one particular bad tour I came back a broken down drunk which set the wheels in motion and she started drinking as well. I eventually got help but she couldn't come out out of her spiral, and ended up drinking herself to death. I cannot shake the belief that if I had been stronger that she would still be here.

[widower2]

I am so sorry for your loss. Given your backgrounds and then a difficult tour (middle east?), it's reasonable and totally logical to conclude you are not at least entirely responsible for everything that happened to either of you, and you are certainly not responsible for choices she made. She was a grown adult perfectly capable of making her own choices, including the choice to drink. Although others can help, ultimately it is the person who is hooked is the one responsible to take charge of their life.

Think if you saw or read about this situation with 2 other people. Wouldn't you agree that what I said above is correct and makes perfect sense? If so, then you should be able to see it applies to you 2 as well. You are no more or less human than the rest of us.

That said, guilt and grief usually go hand-in-hand so it's reasonable to feel guilty and beat yourself up some...but it's usually done unfairly to the survivor, and you seem to have taken it to an extreme. I don't have any magical answer but for you to keep all these things in mind and remind yourself of them until you make them stick. Best to you

[widower2]

PS and thanks for your service, from a fellow vet. HUA

[nicole610]

While I am in the process of grieving in a much different situation, I felt very touched by this post. I have never posted or commented on any kind of forum, so I hope I am doing this right... Anyway, my father was an alcoholic for years and engaged in a lot of drug use as well. I came to terms years ago with his substance abuse issues and the fact that drugs and alcohol really detract from the capacity of love the addict is able to give and receive. By overcoming your alcoholism, you made huge strides in acknowledging your capacity to love both yourself and others, including your wife. I think it is easier to apply guilt to ourselves because at least it provides an answer (ie: "He/she made bad choices and died because I didn't love enough or give enough.") And its a catch 22 because we either create that "answer" in the form of taking all the blame ourselves or we surrender to the fact that sometimes there are no answers or there are answers we aren't ready to hear. I think you demonstrated an incredible amount of strength quitting your use of alcohol and I bet your wife recognized your love in your own struggle to stay sober. Guilt sure can put a strangle hold on us and I am dealing with that in some manner right now as well. I don't have an answer but I offer up many prayers, truly. Wishing you light upon your path.

I was diagnosed with ptsd years ago and lost my wife five years ago. Treatment for ptsd was successful at first but about two years ago the ptsd relapsed full force but this time with my unshakeable belief that I am responsible for her death. My new treatement is doing nothing and my psychologist says it's because I don't think I deserve to get better so I'm fighting the treatment. If i'm going to move on I have to figure out how to overcome this guilt. I initially met T. fourty years ago, but we went on seperate ways. After I got divorced from my first wife (she said she couldn't handle the army way of life). I met up with T. again at a funeral and we ended up getting married. Funny how things go round to where they should be. Because of our questionable family backgrounds we knew that we were prime candidates for alcoholism so we never drank. But after one particular bad tour I came back a broken down drunk which set the wheels in motion and she started drinking as well. I eventually got help but she couldn't come out out of her spiral, and ended up drinking herself to death. I cannot shake the belief that if I had been stronger that she would still be here.

[paulaj]

I am in a similar situation. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1990, when my mother committed suicide. It eventually when into remission. During my husband's illness it came back, and when he died it was a horror show. I, too, feel responsible for his death, even though intellectually I know it's not true. But emotions are a different matter. He nursed me through liver disease and the treatment was successful. All the while he had a rare congenital liver disease that went undiagnosed. When it finally became symptomatic, it appeared as though he decompensated (psych talk for going nuts) and became abusive. I took him to several name psychiatrists and he was diagnosed with everything in the DSM !V. When your liver doesn't work if effects the brain, to the point of a complete personality change. It was like one day I woke up with a monster. So for seven years we constantly fought and I had to get away from him. His doctor didn't diagnose the disease, until one day he woke up bright yellow, was admitted to the hospital, and died from complications of surgery. Because of my training, I knew it was a rarity for someone to all of a sudden (at age 50) to have a breakdown, unless he had a underlying mental illness. I racked my brain and couldn't see one. He was a very successful software developer and beautiful person. The main exception to late-blooming psychosis is an underlying physical condition. So why didn't I get a second medical condition, instead of making psychiatrists wealthy? On the surface, he appeared healthy - he was athletic.

You probably already know this, but the illness of alcoholism effects each individual differently. The denial system of an alcoholic is stronger than all of us. What could you have done? I know, people have said similar things regarding my situation and I know they're right, but guilt is emotional. I'm starting to accept the fact that I'm human and can't do and see everything. I don't have as many nightmares and flashbacks as often as I used to, but it has been 5 years. Please feel free to write privately. I have some idea of what you are going through and this is a rough road.

Love and Peace,

Mandala

[paulaj]

Oops!

I meant to say medical *opinion* not condition. And the DSM IV, is the diagnostic and statistical manual of the American Psychiatric Association. I question your psychologist blaming you for not responding at his/her pace. When all else fails, blame the patient, which can produce more guilt. Remember you are the consumer of mental health services.

Mandala

[cant move on]

On the surface I do realize that I am not at fault. I brought the problem home but did not force her to partake, but it's like my mind is on auto pilot and have lost control of it which is making me feel this way. At first I would hide it but once she found out about the drinking I figured there was no point in hiding it any more, but never asked her to drink with me. The part of my life when I was off my rocker with the ptsd was always a complete blank, but recently I've been remembering what I was like very clearly. And it's something that I'm not very proud of. I never hit her but the way I acted I might as well have. I loved her to no end but can see her cowering in the corner as I rampaged through the house after what would start as a pleasant conversation. I really wish she had left me, and for the life of me I can't understand why she didn't. I know it's not possible but I'd like so much to be able to apologize to her. In my psychologists defense he can tell I've given up and that I'm not even trying to concentrate. Thanks for listening and leaving comments I don't talk to many people, and I would never talk about this topic, but being anonymous makes it much easier. It's nice to talk to someone other than myself or my dogs for a change.

[paulaj]

i remember my abusive behavior toward John also. It comes back to me in pieces. That is the nature of PTSD. I wish I could take it back. Imagine my horror when I realized I was abusing a sick person who did not know what he was doing. I went to therapy for years and reached a block. I realized later I was getting re-traumatized talking about it. Trauma treatment is long-term and sometimes it is wise to take breaks. The mind has a way of protecting itself from too much too fast. Strange, I used to treat this!

I got the courage to talk about this because you brought it up. Thank you! The subject is shrouded in shame. Nobody asks for PTSD, alcoholism, or any other illness. I don't know if I'll ever be guilt-free, but it's better than it was. Have hope.

Mandala