So much guilt

[agrisham12]

My father passed away August 18, last year, a day after my birthday. I live in Texas and my entire family lives in NY (where I was raised and lived for 22 years). Once I got married I moved to Georgia (husband was in the military). It almost seems as every few months I start the grieving process all over again. I am assuming since I only saw him once a year (living so far away) and not talking on the phone very often (he was very ill with cancer the last year and a half) makes it seem as though he is still living. I am usually a very calm, timid person - up until last week. I recently participated in the Relay for Life in my local community and on top of that experienced my first Father's Day with him not here. I blew up and yelled at my husband on Father's Day. I feel horrible for doing it now. I told him I hated him, that he was a piece of ****, that I hated myself for not spending a Holiday with my Father for the past 7 years, that I should have spent more time with the one man who loved me unconditionally rather than him. Sounds painful right? I am sure it makes me appear to be a hateful, spiteful person. If you only knew the past in my marriage and the infidelity on my husbands part. Afterwards we sat down and talked. He said I needed to forgive myself for feeling so guilty not being around my father before I can forgive him. I understand that and I agree.

Sorry is this seems to be all over the place.

If anyone has any words of wisdom I would greatly appreciate it.

[blujonny]

Ironically my father passed away in August of 2010, a week before his 60th birthday. It seems like you're allowing yourself to rack up a lot of references for feeling guilt. Is guilt your strongest emotion right now or does it depend on the day/week, etc?