trying to keep my father together after losing my mom

[smsimpson11]

My mom passed in December, Christmas Eve. My Fathers favorite holiday has always been Christmas, I dont know why he has always been sort of difficult, quick tempered and self piting. My mom sort of evened that out for him. Now that she is gone, he is getting worse every month. My younger sister moved in with him, she still lives back home and I have been living out of state for about 10 yrs. He drinks to much, he always has but my mom could control that also, we however can not and its getting worse. He wont see a doctor for medical issues, he passed out twice last weekend and does not even care why. He has high blood pressure and is supposed to take the pill everyday, he tells us he does "mostly". He is all over us about financial stability,like he wants to know that if he has an ongoing illness like my mother which was only 8 months that we will not be stuck or that we will be prepared for the results of financial devistation. He gives no thought to the emotional aspect this will cause, he wouldnt care if died tomorrow, as long as he had a plan in effect. He is always the planner down to the detail. When my mom passed his whole plan fell apart, he cant seem to figure out what to do now. My mom was such a huge part of the plan obviously but now he is just lost, his plans dont even make sense all of the time, I cant tell what he is trying to accomplish in all this. I dont believe he plans to actually do anything to prolong his life in anyway including regualar check ups it just seems like he wants us to be prepared to be left with no parents. I am 34, and my sister just turned 33, we have already been through so much this past year and it does not want to seem to let up, we both need a breather but between husbands, dad, kids and jobs i dont see that happening. Both of us are so misserable right now, we dont know how to break through the rut. We are both resentful, angry and depressed in general and are in no condition to help each other. I dont know what to do. I dont know how much longer my sister can last in his house she has two kids and is divorced, i am in indiana married with one kid. I have not family here and my sister has a bunch of family there but nobody wants to get involved. Screw it, my mother was the only thing that kept this family sane and together and now she is gone and we are slowly falling apart. I am starting to resent my mariage in general my husband has been no support what so ever, in fact in the middle of the worst moments of my life he quit his job and fell into a deep depression of his own. Great timing on his part the only time I need him on an emotional level and he falls apart.......I had to take him to a shrink last week. And over what, he has his parents, we have a house 2 nice cars, i have a great job and all he has to do is take care of the house and are son. He cant even do that, he has always been a little depressed i knew this when i married him but i have always been his rock so it has worked, but as soon as i really needed him he fell apart on me. it was almost like lets see who can be in the worst situation, everytime i moved closer to the edge he would jump over. I dont know everything is so complicated sometimes i dont think right, everything is so confusing.

[BKMoore999]

Hi Shannon,

I am sorry for your loss. I just joined this message board and your post spoke to me, I think because we have similar stories (loss of mother, worried about father, about the same age, kids) I'd like to offer some observations, if that's OK.

It sounds like you nailed it on the head about your father being the planner. I think men tend to be planners and fixers, and maybe now that your mother's gone, his plan failed and now he doesn't know what to do with himself, like you said. So he seems to be planning the only thing he feels he has any control over, which is his own death. Maybe he just needs a distraction or hobby, something else to plan. It was a similar conversation with my Dad that led me here. July is the one-year anniversary of my Mom's death. My Dad is retired and worked his whole life to spend his retirement with her. Now she is gone and he has nothing but long empty days to think about it. He doesn't want to burden his friends, who don't truly understand the depth of his pain having never experienced it themselves. So I first suggested he get into a video game or online RPG, something to take his mind off of his grief, and that led me to look for this kind of message board, where he could talk to people that have shared his pain.

Maybe your father would respond to something like that, an engaging hobby or online distraction. In this day and age, there is all kinds of "electro-crack" (online and video entertainment) that people can get sucked into. That's not normally a healthy way to live your life but if it gives him something else to focus on for the time being then maybe it would be a good thing.

All the best and good luck.